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Messages - Ican'tTalktoYou

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The Seed Discussion Forum / Did the seed introduce us to a higher power?
« on: January 22, 2005, 11:20:00 PM »
Wow!! Fran you just sparked a memory for me.  I do remember the holding hand part for the very same reason.  Strange how something as innocent as holding a person's hand (a person that is almost a stranger to you, other than hearing snippets of their lives in group) can take on a new dimension in a situation like that.

However, I still don't remember saying the Lord's prayer.

These memories coming back piecemeal is weird.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Did the seed introduce us to a higher power?
« on: January 22, 2005, 12:39:00 PM »
Well Greg, looks like you and I are the only ones that do not remember this.  I wonder why???  We both seem to have been very unhappy there.  Maybe we said it by rote every night. I can see how feelings of abandonment and unhappiness could do that.

What do you think?

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 21, 2005, 09:28:00 PM »
I went to the Dania Beach website and found Robert Chunn's pic.  He is a commissioner now.  What a creepy feeling I had.  Honestly though, if I hadn't seen the name I wouldn't have recognized him.

I though to myself "damn, he's old."  Then I realized I'll be 46 this I don't look the same as I did in '73 either. lol

The Seed Discussion Forum / Did the seed introduce us to a higher power?
« on: January 21, 2005, 09:23:00 PM »
I was there in '73 and I do not remember ever saying the Lord's Prayer at the seed.

As a matter of fact, I was there two different times (commonly called a screw up) and I don't remember saying it either time.  The second time was late '74 or early '75.

My only experience was at the SR84 gate to hell, I never visited any of the others.....thank God.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 21, 2005, 05:37:00 PM »
When I got stuck in the SR84 seed in '73, I was from Jacksonville.  My name is Cyndi.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 21, 2005, 05:32:00 PM »
Hi truthjunkie, I too recently found this forum.  You can see my posts start on the 18th.

The more I read, the more I remember.  Mostly unpleasesant things.  When I read the moral inventories that someone posted it really brought back bad memories.

Did your mom put you in because she (correctly or incorrectly) thought you were on drugs?  If you did use drugs, what happened when you got out?

Welcome.......and I won't yell "we love you".....

To anyone, was the Robert that drove the limo, Robert Chun?  There was a Seed in WPB?

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 21, 2005, 01:19:00 AM »
Ah! I just figured out the exact year I got incarcerated at the seed.  It was 1973.  I remember hearing the following new song on the radio all the time at my foster family's house:

Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever,
Never seeing no one nice again like you,
Mama you, mama you.
If I ever get out of here,
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity.
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here.

Good Ol' Paul McCartney and also Midnight at the Oasis was on all the time.

Wanting everyone to look and act the same reeeeally inspires creativity and individuality also.  Very healthy to be automatons.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 20, 2005, 05:01:00 PM »
I did like some of the people that I met there; however, I didn't form any lasting bonds with anyone.  I didn't really trust anyone.  I definitely thought the staff had their collective heads up their asses. When I was able to take newcomers home with me I tried to make things fun and lighthearted at home.

Some places I lived as a newcomer never let up.  It was 10 to 10 at the seed, and then from the time I got home until I went to sleep and the same in the morning until I arrived at the seed. It was torture.

I remember I had a newcomer named Kyle (sp?) that tried to run in middle of the night.  She accidentally broke the window and oddly enough, I though someone was trying to break in (sleepy brain) and I jumped up and grabbed her and pulled her toward me to keep the nebulous burglar from getting her.  When I realized what was happening it actually hurt my feelings that she tried to run away.  But she was obviously running from the seed and not me personally.

My first day I had on a tight shirt, very short shorts, flip flops and my bathing suit underneath because I was going to skip school and go to the beach.  I got dirty looks when they took me out to the group, and the first time I got stood up (which didn't take long) you best believe that was a major topic of conversation.  I was obviously a whore and playing games with guys.  It's as if they didn't know what kinds of clothes department stores were selling.  To me, I just looked like everyone else at home.

Did anyone else here have to write those damn papers every night?  Or were they doing it to me to make me nuts?????  I made a bonfire when I got home and burned them all. :flame:

I remember hearing that the staff members had been junkies and I was very suspect of that fact, even then.  Does anyone know if it was it true or not?

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 19, 2005, 11:44:00 PM »
Trust me, no one cut my hair and/or nails that day or any other day I was there.

It is so weird talking about this stuff to people who were there.

The night I spoke to my sister about the seed (referencing my first post), she asked me if the seed helped me at all.  I stopped and really thought about my answer.  I said yes and no.  Their philosophy on life at the seed and life after the seed certainly didn't.  Even the medication thing, like my head would pop off if I ever took cough medicine with codeine in it.  "Call and check with us before you take any medication"...yeah right.

The only thing they did was isolate me from my friends for so long, and tell my parents that if I ever started hanging around them again I was a druggie, that I was afraid to contact anyone.  So I lost touch.  It's really sad.  I have no childhood friends.

My husband just got home from a business trip and I told him about the forum.  He couldn't believe it, as it happened so long ago.  I told him that some things in your life stay with you even if you don't want them too.  If I could blot that time from my memories I probably would.

Most of the people that I knew back then are fine, married with kids, mortgages and jobs.  A few are completely screwed and in jail or dead, but I think you'd find that in any group of people.

I saw that staff guy's name in another post.  Robert Chun (sp?), he's the one that used to hammer me all the time in group.  I would rather have been cleaning toilets that sit in with him.

It's funny, one time when I was 19 or 20, me and a friend were driving by the seed.  I said I wanted to stop and tell the staff to @#$& off.  I couldn't even pull the car into the parking lot.  My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I just took off.  I guess I clucked like a chicken.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fresh blood
« on: January 19, 2005, 04:49:00 PM »
This is Cyndi again, I now have a user name.  In light of the forum, I think that my user name choice is apropos.

Well, I got "stood up" a number of times.  That first time after the open house, one of the staff members said they were going to cut my hair and nails off.  It may have been Libby.  My reply was "touch me and I'll kill you".

Kinda lived with me for quite a while after she tried to kill herself (this was later on).  I felt like I had to protect her.  Even at 13 or 14, whatever I was, I couldn't believe that her parents kept her there after that.  This was no cry for help, this was I want to die.  I worried about her all the time.  That has stayed with me all these years.

I've think my ability to get close to people and to trust was seriously affected by that place.

When I say I thought I was having an extended nightmare I am not kidding.  I walked around in a daze for a couple of months and really thought I was going to wake up at home.

I was tackle and stuffed in the car by my parents and uncle.  They sat on either side of me on the drive from Jacksonville to Ft. Laud.  At a gas station I stated screaming that I was kidnapped.  Good thing I wasn't because no one did anything.

I know that my parents were at their wits end with me and didn't know where to turn.  I was really pretty bad.  In some ways I got what I deserved because the only other alternative I can think of was that I would be busted and put in the juvy system.

I'm very close to my mom now and also to my dad when he was alive.  He died in 2001.

So, something that seemed big?  It all did and didn't at the same time.  I've always been one of those people that adapts and keeps going.  I knew that if I just kept plugging along I would eventually get out.

When I started school down there it was pretty traumatic.  I went to Miami Beach High School (or something like that)  I remember cute surf guys coming up to me to talk and there was ALWAYS a seed person around.  So, I'd have to give them the speech and feel like a complete and utter idiot.  I remember one of them saying, "not you too" and he walked off.  For a high school age kid that seemed traumatic at the time.  I'd have to walk around everyday at school feeling like an outcast.

When I finally got home, my room had been stipped.  All that was left was a pair of hemostats.  My parents didn't know what they were.  I had a really good laugh at that.  All my posters, bongs, papers and concert stubs were gone, but the roach clip remained.

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