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Messages - CHAR

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The Seed Discussion Forum / Singing in the Orange Bowl
« on: August 26, 2002, 12:49:00 AM »
O my god, flashback, thank you. Now I know it must have been 72-74-75 I was in Lauderdale, I was part of that crap. I wore a seed t-shirt over another shirt. I can remember thinking how cool I must have been to be at this big football game and I think we sang The Seed Indeed Is All You Need blah, blah, blah to that stupid Greensleeves song. Was that the song they made us sing? Being pushed into line and them telling us to stand up straight, be proud. God, talk about Spin City. I had no idea at the time there was another seed in another part of Florida and you guys got bussed in. Question? I looked at the picture of the Motley Crew and was Shelly thinner back then and had longer hair and was she in Lauderdale? I really would like to know if Libby or Shelly was the daughter of Kennedy of Coral Ridge or if it was just another senior staff my mom took me to. I find it humorous that Art looks like Ozzy on the Osbournes. "Shelly, where are my glasses" " I'm not burnt out on all the drugs I did, just on what a Hitler I have been"

The Seed Discussion Forum / The seed tears apart families
« on: August 07, 2002, 10:47:00 PM »
I never worked things out with my mom. Before she died I would not answer the phone when I knew it was her calling, however the guilt over her being a single parent and "doing the best she could" would get to me and I would visit her when I could get away (convenient for me, I lived far away). I don't know if we ever would have worked things out when she was alive. When I would talk with my therapist and tell her about the things my mom had done I would always tack on at the end "she did the best she could". My therapist used to say "Why do you keep making excuses for her? If the situation you lived through existed today she would be arrested for child abuse" and she was right. I would never excuse that behavior if anyone else did it. So I have at least finally accepted that for the most part. She should not have had a child. She even told me so when I was older. At least she realized it for herself and perhaps that was why we could never talk. We both knew the truth but couldn't say it because of the parental bond. She felt guilty and I was too angry for words.

And if I had come to these realizations when she was alive I still do not know what I would have done. Maybe if I had been more aware of what really had gone on all those years, seeing it through my therapists' eyes, before she got sick, when she was still strong and healthy, maybe I would have forced a conversation to get it all out and let the chips fall where they may. It probably would have been better than the hurt she felt knowing I was avoiding her. I really don't know. I do know one thing though. I don't make excuses for anyone anymore. If I and countless other people in this world who have been through hell and back can treat people with kindness and respect then there is no excuse for anyone to be a jerk. I have accepted the fact that if my mother had wanted to be a kinder person she could have done so through whatever means helped her and she chose not to. And there is no excuse for that.

Have a good day tomorrow everyone. We all deserve the best life has to offer.

The Seed Discussion Forum / seed - deaths - deadly marriage
« on: August 07, 2002, 01:14:00 AM »

The Seed Discussion Forum / Afternoon Raps
« on: July 27, 2002, 06:50:00 AM »
Hello Friends:

Now that I have been able to read a lot of the postings I have actually been able to laugh a couple of times. Gregs posting on the raps. "Afternoon Rap - general rambling about nothing" You noticed that too? I laughed so hard when I read that. Thank you. I am glad I can start laughing about some of this and I have all of you to thank that started this site. Have a great weekend everyone. :smile:

The Seed Discussion Forum / In Re: The Seed and their Successes
« on: July 25, 2002, 10:08:00 PM »
My thinking on this is the end never justifies the means. I might be saccharine in saying this but to me a line from a Jewel song says it all. "In the end,love only matters" And there was no love in the Seed. There was only abuse. Parents that have no business being parents put their children in places like this because they do not want to deal. If a child is hurting it has to do with the parents. To me it does not matter how many people the Seed "physically rescued" it matters how may broken spirits it caused, whether they were "physically rescued" or not.

You're just like a pill, instead of making me better, you keep making me ill" - PINK

The Seed Discussion Forum / Art Barker - to Greg
« on: July 24, 2002, 09:40:00 PM »

I have been reading a lot of the postings, getting to know things around here. There was a posting about Art Barkers background. As far as I can remember the reason my mother put me in the seed was becuase she was in and out of AA since 1945 and Art Barker had a background with AA. That is what she told me. That is why she trusted him she told me.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Marnie, for you
« on: July 24, 2002, 09:24:00 PM »
Hi Marnie:

My name is Char and I am new. I read your post after I read what Greg wrote. I can relate to not having a normal childhood. I went from an abusive home life to the Seed to born again christians to living on my own without help. And I can so relate to not feeling normal. I have over the years "invented myself" hoping that I fit in. I doubt that I do :smile: but I am told by my partner and her family that I have qualities that are unique that I could only have gotten by surviving all that. And it has to be the same with you. If you are alive (and you are) and you know that there is stuff in your heart and mind that you want healed then you are already on your way. There are actually people out there that don't want to hurt you and they do care and they do have a belief in not treating people like dirt. It took me a long time to believe this but it is true. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Greetings
« on: July 24, 2002, 05:00:00 PM »
Hey Antigen:

Yea, that was the building I was in. I can still remember Art Barker walking to the front of the group like Moses himself coming down from the mountain wearing those ridiculous windbreakers. I can remember thinking "Is he going sailing after he leaves here?" Slowly, now that I am writing a journal, I remember things about the place which I know will help the healing. Now that I have decided to face the past I realize that the seed was the first step in really making me a non functioning teen/young adult and the church took over where they left off. No offense to anyone, my mother-in-law is a devoted Catholic and one of the most incredible people I know. But the born again crap really messed me up also, just another form of mind control. Thank God for therapy. As far as Florida goes my last time there was when my mother died. I have nothing but bad memories of that state. Congratulations on your escape. I wouldn't remember any of your family, I was too freaked out to remember any of the other victims. Hopefully the place did close down. I am sickened by these people that create and support these places. My revenge fantasy is to tie them all up in the front row of an Eminem concert. :smile: Peace out.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Greetings
« on: July 24, 2002, 09:39:00 AM »
Hi Everyone:

This girl was kind of short with dark curly hair and she would walk up and down the side aisles a mile a minute and was always scowling at the people in the group. In fact the counselors liked to scowl a lot at everyone. I also remember a male counselor who used to sit up on the back of his chair and do face exercises (at the time I had no idea what he ws doing, I just thought he was weird) and I remember the heat in the damn warehouse. All our bodies in their sitting for 12 hours. As I look back on it I can't believe I survived for 3 years there with my mother getting them to put me back on 10 to 10. And that stupid song we had to sing. I wish I could wash my brain out sometimes. Well the good thing is I survived like we all did and it's a beautiful day and I get to be a grown up with no one telling me what to do except my boss and she does it in a nice way : - ) Have a good one everybody.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Greetings
« on: July 23, 2002, 06:59:00 PM »
Hi Greg:

Excuse the meanderings but all I remember is flashes here and there. I was in the first building (as far as I know) when the Seed first started. A little building with dirt floors before the place moved out to Davie. I was there too. I remember biting into a licorice stick at meal time and there was a roach in it. I remember a butt ugly counselor named Phyllis who was a smart ass know it all and mean as hell. I remember them telling me I should throw away my record albums (I have no idea why). At the place out in Davie I remember a counselor named (I think) Susie. She wore big elephant leg pants. I remember getting yelled at and told what a piece of crap I was on a continous basis. I finally gave in and decided to play the game since my mom was just going to keep lying to them and telling them I slipped every time I showed her any type of thinking on my own. So I became a "respectful oldtimer" and remember getting in a car with others and chasing a poor girl who had gotten over that giant fence and I sat on her in the car and we dragged her back. GOD FORGIVE ME!!!!! The last thing I remember was when my my mother freaked because I got involved with born again Christians (another nightmare but I escaped that one too.) Anyway one of the big shots that my mother took me to see at the Seed was the daughter of James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Presbyterian. She hated her father as far as my young mind could see but she couldn't find a way to diss the church so my mother lost out and I escaped the Seed. I went through years of therapy, got the hell out of Florida and went into the health field working with Minorities. I got as far away from my childhood as I could. I will never go back to Florida. My mother is dead. Before she died she was broken over the fact that she sent me there. She found out what a horrible place it was. We talked but we always had a strained relationship. I am now in the process of writing a journal for myself to take a look at the pain in my life. That is what led me to this website. I do not want to be 70 and still not be able to reconcile this all in my heart. Take care

The Seed Discussion Forum / Greetings
« on: July 23, 2002, 05:02:00 PM »
Hello Everyone:
My mother put me in the seed in Ft. Lauderdale in 71/72. I was 14/15. I had never done drugs. My mother was an alcoholic and I had depression problems and she didn't want to deal. She successfully convinced them when I got over my probation and became an old timer that I slipped because when I went back home to live I was still not the perfect daughter she wanted. That way she kept me in that hellhole for 3 years. In my high school I met some people from Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church and their counterpoint to the Seed, the Greenhouse or something absurd like that. I thought I would find some loving people there but it was just another Seed in it's own way. I was a confused and lonely young girl when I was thrown into the seed and came out a sad, angry, and confused teenager who for the past 25 years or so has been trying to redo the damage of the screaming maniacs in that place. It is good to know that there are others like me that were f***** over by that place and we are all trying to recover. I left Florida a long time ago but the memories still hurt. Cheers to all of us, survivors.

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