Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

I must have been posting while Anon was also posting about stripping her room.  I had actually considered something similar.  My thought was to actually back off and treat her as if she was a renter in our house with some exceptions due to the law.  My thought was to tell her that her moother and I will no longer nag at her about her school work.  If she fails, she attends summer school or gets held back.  She's old enough to know what she needs to do and do it.  We will provide what the law requires an nothing more.  We will buy her clothes when absolutely necessary but they won't be coming from Abercrombie, Foot Locker, etc.  Kmart will do.  We will provide her with nutricious food but she is old enough to cook it herself.  Her clothes will be clean only if she does her own laundry.  The law does not require that she does chores nor does it require that we give her money for movies and the like.  If she wants money, then she can do jobs around the house for minimum wage.  If she wants a ride somewhere then she will pay us 35 cents per mile.  We are not required to provide her with internet access but she can have it as long as she pays part of the bill.  The list can go on and on.  She will have the freedom she wants as long as it does not disrupt the household and as long as she does not break any laws.  There will of course still be some rules like curfew.  Thoughts?  My wife thinks this is ridiculous.

I am looking for advice about school options for my troubled 14 yr old daughter.  I would like to get some info regarding what types of schools have the best success records as well as some recommendations for school in the southeast.  Here's what's going on:  About 2 yrs ago, our daughter started developing a rather defiant, disrespectful attitude toward her mother and me.  We weren't too concerned at the time because she great around everyone else.  Her grades were good, she excelled at soccer, and she hung with a good crowd.  Things steadily got worse.  Last year, she got caught with alcohol at school and was suspended and kicked off the soccer team.  The only thing that kept her out of jail was that they found no evidence - some other students turned her in.  Jump to present day - her grades have fallen (she spends hardly any time on school work outside of school), her new circle of friends are of questionable character, she is disrespectful to teachers and coaches, she is constantly in detention, consistently breaks house rules, is verbally cruel to her 8 yr old brother, and is extremely defiant, just to name a few.  She went to a therapist for a while but refuses to go anymore.  The therapist put her on some medication which she took for a while and now refuses to take anymore.  The last straw came a coupe of days ago when i confiscated some of her jewelry because she refused to go to church.  She became enraged and began smashing things around the house.  I let this go for a a few minutes and then had no choice but to physically restrain her.  When I thought she had calmed down, I let her go, and she tried to hit me with one of her crutches (she recently had knee surgery).  My son was so terrified that he ran from the house and I had to go looking for him.  This is not the first time that she has smashed and broken things.  One of the biggest problems that my wife and I face is that punishment does not work.  If she breaks a rule and gets punished, her behavior just gets worse.  Her mother and I have decided that the time has come to put her in some sort of theraputic boarding school or program.  we will of course have to wait a few months until she has recovered from her surgery.  We are considering a wilderness program or military school.  Problem is is that everything I seem to read indicates that most of these programs do more harm than good, there are abuse reports, etc.  I would like to hear some feedback from anyone who has had any positive experiences.  Thanks.

I guess I should have given a little more detail from the start.  So here goes.  Our problems with our daughter started about a year ago.  She had always been a little defiant and disrespectful towards her mother and I but was a perfect angel towards everyone else.  She was an honor student, athlete, and hung with a good group of kids.  We then noticed that she was starting to become disrespectful towards some other adults, most notably her teachers.  Her grades started falling and her behavior worsened.   Here's a rundown of some of the things we have dealt with within the last 3-4 months:
-She has had numerous after school suspensions.  She has been kicked out of some of those because of her behavior.  Frequently mouths off to teachers and has walked out of several classes.  She is now very close to being expelled.
-5 day out of school suspension for bringing alcohol to school.  This included a 45 day suspension from extra curricular activities which got her kicked off of the school soccer team.  The school is also requiring that she attend 4 alcohol and drug abuse counseling sessions.
-Hanging with a bad crowd and had joined a gang.
-She is horribly cruel to her 8 year old brother - verbally, not physically.
-She has developed a horrible temper and frequently uses profanity towards her mother and me.  She cannot deal with not getting her way.
-Took a razor and cut over 100 marks on her arm.
-She cannot control her anger.  On several occasions she has lost her temper and violently thrown things around in her room.  This last time I had to physically restrain her because she was in such a rage for fear that she would hurt herself or someone else.
-Defies our rules.
-Lying
-Her mother and I have missed quite a bit of work to attend school meetings and mandated counseling sessions.

She has been seeing counselor but it hasn't helped.  We are now planning to have her see a psychiatrist.  However, if this doesn?t help we feel that we may have no choice but to send her to boarding school.  Our home is in turmoil.  And it is really beginning to have an adverse effect on our son as well as our marriage.