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« on: February 14, 2003, 11:14:00 PM »
Hi everyone.
It's Rebecca again. So I heard about this website from my brother a few days ago, he was in the program too, and now I can't stop checking it to see if i know anyone else. The first thing I did was look at the list of people who had been in there. I was really sad to see some of the people who have died...I really loved Rachael R. a lot...and some of the Calgary people too. I feel like I got lucky in my KIDS experience, mmaybe luckier than some of you who suffered at the hands of other children and adults who had too much power and were corrupted by it. I think that most of the oldcomers who took me home really loved me and wanted to help me. It took my parents a year and a half to realize that something was rotten in Denmark but they finally realized. I had to be deprogrammed for about 9 months when i got out and I would go to AA meetings and "share" in that unintelligible KIDS-speak that made no sense and cringe everytime that I said 'feels like' and feel guilty and like shit most of the time-- anxious and depressed-- but I kept talking and it went away after a few years. I guess I was lucky too that I knew I was a drug addict before i went to KIDS because it at least was an excuse for having to go through that insanity, at least I got out of there with some time sober put together which I couldn't do before. So as the years have gone by my brother and I have gotten angry at our parents and hashed it out with them and felt better then felt worse then had to do it all over again. I feel like it made me stronger too, like if I could go through KIDS of Bergen County than I could deal with anything. I read this book by Victor Frankel about the holocaust and how the Germans around Auchwitz would smell the burning flesh and force themselves to believe that it was nothing, that it was just a work camp, that no Jews were being killed because the truth was just too horrible to bear--so they didn't say anything and went along with it. I feel like that is something like what happened at KIDS, to survive we had to go along with the violence and the abuse so the pack wouldn't turn on us. That was one of the hardest truths about myself that I had to face coming out of there. That i had done to others what had been done to me. I always thought I was a strong independent personality but I saw what I was capable of doing if I was part of a mob. The thing that kills me is that Newton had in his power all of these innocent young people and he twisted them because he had the power to do that. Abuse of power to foster his own fragile ego. I hope I never pass that sickness on to anyone in my lifetime.
Anyway, life is really good now. I've been clean since KIDS, i went back to school, graduated college, lived in Puerto Rico for five years, windsurfed my ass off, I'm back in New York and about to graduate with another degree. Part of it has been to prove them wrong, I'm not just a loser druggie with nothing to give, so piss off and kiss my ass. My brother is good too but I'll let him talk if he feels like it. Best wishes to you all. Part of me would like to name some names to see if you're out there but I feel like maybe that is screwing with other people's lives and anonymity and maybe some people just want to forget and move on. Again, my love to all of you, Rebecca Brown ('89-'90)
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