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« on: April 12, 2007, 05:53:12 PM »
Exhausted,
A few weeks ago you gave me some great advice when I needed it,
I'm sending it back to you now in your time of need.
I have been/am EXACTLY where you are x3
No you can't make him do anything, tell him you don't want to make him, that is the last thing you want him to do, the whole idea is that he wants to do something about it
All i can offer you is what I did, I decided not to send my kids to a program, even though it meant hell for me, I stood back and observed what I was doing as a parent and what they were doing as people, it took alot for me to realise that these kids are people and i have no right to make their life choices ofr them, it's down to them what they want to do for a living, whether they want to follow a criminal path etc etc, nearly immediately after stepping back and letting them know I didn't intend to screw out at them, but armed them with all the information i could muster, I gave them their weapons, then I let them out to survve, they knew the consequences, they knew they were not my consequences and I would not accept any responsibility for anything that came of bad choices made by them - they started to trust me, they started to respect me, they started to come to me with problems - why? probably because they knew for starters I wasn't going to freak out, or try to control them, but they also knew it might be worth getting some more info from me before doing anything they may regret
The bad choices still happen, it's not a magic cure, but the good ones far outweigh the bad, this could be because the responsibility i theirs alone, it could be that they are seeing me as someone other than the enemy, more likely it's because they don't wind me up anymore and therefore it's no fun, I don't really care what their reasoning is, al i know is that I have loving kids who are working really hard on finding themselves as peple, rather than controlled (or rather me trying to control them) robots who just did everything behind my back, we really are a much happier family because I was able to look at myself and realise where I was going wrong rather than point the finger at them the whole time
Eldest son starts college on Monday - he is 20, up to now he's wanted to do nothing but go to jail and generally waste his life, you have no idea how hard its been for him to wake up and want more for himself than that, but he did it and I am so proud of him for wanting to change things - it took guts for him to admit his failings as it did me.
I hope you can gain something from this, really, trying to control him is not going to work, encouraging him to want to control his own destiny could do the trick
I still want to murder them at times, but to date it has been 2 months since I've had the police/neighbours/other irate persons on my doorstep - as opposed to 1 - 2 times daily, I think that kind of tells it's own story
Don't think it's easy, it isn't, it's far from it One thing you have to understand is you are taking on aot here, this kid is reay screwed up and feels he is going to loose 'street cred' if he cleans his act up, its one of the hardest things for a teen to do, but it's achievable, my 13 & 14 year old have done it The informatin and weapons i gave them were stuff like talking about drugs, safe sex, living rough and the dangers, all i could do for them was to give them all the information they needed to help them to make their decisions, the rest was up to them, I guess when i talk of weapons, I really meant tools (Not guns geek) that wasn't aimed at you but the replyee on that! Meaning life skills, tools to help them work out that they do have choices that no one else could make for them, good or bad, their choices would lead to how their lives turned out, thnakfully they're making better and better choices every day as once they got into that pattern, they found they were enjoying life at home and outside. The recent developments are a concern, this lad realy is runnign scared, he needs to know he can survive al of this and still turn out as an okay kind of person, he may not be bale to do this by living with you, I'd agree that letting him know you will do whatever it takes to help him is a good idea, but it may mean you helping him find a safe haven away from you, but with the knowledge that you are not going to let anyone hurt him in any way whatever, you're only a phone call away Of course you're worried where he is, but calling the police is going to take him home and then straight into a program, it'll be another reason to send him in that hes caused grief to his parents again, he'll survive, honest, all he needs from you is the knowledge that he can pick up the phone and you'll help.....pease let us know how you get on Exhausted (Unable to log in & blinded by thse nightmare codes)
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