Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

Timo,

No offense taken to any tone in anyone's posts here, but appreciate your owning up to your anger.  That's not always easy to do.  Having spent 10+ years moderating boards,chats & web sites for a major ISP (including medical and mental health issues), I'm pretty adept and understanding of the 'net world and the sometimes misplaced emotions. I've got a real thick skin that way! But I thank you...

More incidents have occurred in this house over the last few days bringing to light how truly "at risk" this child is, and therapy is a definite, immediate need.  Without therapy, this one will be in a locked psych ward at the rate she's accelerating her "acting out", and not at my behest. :sad:  I'm hoping to get the appointment tomorrow, but know I have to be patient and not irritating to the professional whose assistance I'm seeking.  Frustrating given what's happening.

I've learned SOOoo much here.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have stumbled in these doors and to have received so many responses to my queries.  It's a wonderful feeling to know your questions and thoughts are deserving of so many people's time and concern, and that they aren't yours alone.

pieper

Anon 20:05,

Thanks a bunch for your input as a first-hand observer!  I'd pretty much decided against just about every program/camp option already... mostly as a result of the feedback from the folks here, some soul-searching and serious budget issues, but every additional shred of feedback is most certainly appreciated and filed away in memory.

The internet is a wonderful, wonderful tool!  Thank you...

pieper

Nil,

(because a street going though a building is impossible)

Couldn't resist.  Not true!  Can't recall which, but a street runs through the formerly-known-as PanAm building in Manhattan. Okay, technically under it I suppose...

And I am nearly certain, without being clairvoyant, that the street ran through the school complex/compound/campus.

Back later with more serious responses.

-pieper

Timo,

Hope this Memorial Day finds you reflective and at peace...

I'm sure I will miss something in your posts, but please don't construe that as non-receipt of the message.  Just under a tight time-constraint this evening since I "screwed off" at have been at the beach since very early this morning.

Therapy.  Yes.  This is in process.  I'll hopefully get her into a highly recommended therapist this coming week.  But alas, this week is also finals, so the juggling act begins anew. Either way, it IS an essential piece of the solution, and I realize that. However, as a kid my folks farmed me off to several therapists (one shrink and a few psychologists), and I hated every freakin' moment of those sessions. The former (shrink) was a med-freak, which really did nothing for me other than force me to drop my pants once a week for a shot and lots of RX co-pays for meds that did little more than make me sleepy.  That aside... I realize that is the starting point for recovery of whatever is ailing this beautiful child 'o mine. Or us. My oldest daughter is nearly 21 and almost outta the house, so isn't really directly affected.  However, she thinks Twin "A" is downright fucked up (committable, in her words)...

Without knowing mirror image twins intimately, I sincerely believe many cannot understand the bizarre dynamic involved, but DO concur that the "good" twin can easily and often play off that role in making the "bad" twin seem more bad. Yet in this case, the "good" twin's concern for her sister is overwhelming and sincere, and she seems to be doing her very best to remain neutral and trusting in me to help her twin.  But they still don't like one another... :smile:  Interestingly, they alternate the "good" and "bad" roles, and have since toddlerhood. Usually on an approximate bi-annual basis. But this run has lasted well over a year, and I am hoping to break the cycle for good.  They are old enough now to hopefully escape these roles.

And I do agree that I set fairly high standards, and expect all three girls to do their best...whatever plane that may bring them to. I also know my girls very well, having raised them alone since the twins were 2 yrs. old. And I know and accept their limitations AND strengths. I do not hold them to the same standards just because they are twins. Again, mirror imaging means one is right-brained, the other left. And there are HUGE differences as a result with vastly different skills, aptitudes, likes, strengths.

Any gripes I have with their father are minor and silent. They have the gripes with him, and rarely spend time with him.  She used last summer to "escape" the consequences of her behaviors, and played off his lack-of-experience/desire to hands-on parent.  And that is natural, but unfortunate.  Especially since she returned to rub her twins' nose in all the vacations, money, fun, and lack of responsibilities she lived for three months. In reality, he shipped her off to childless friends for much of the summer, and the rest she was free to spend online unsupervised in an empty house. But as you say, that's not necessarily "bad"... just different than my home. The end of our marriage was due to extended and intense abuse, BTW.  So my kids have never been close to their father. So twin "B" ("good") would not want to spend a summer w/her father.  She'd rather have root canals.  So that concept would not work as a reward.

While I appreciate what you've said about healing the adults, the reality is not what you may believe.  The kids have little contact with him -- nor desire to have more. I moved past my past MANY years ago (separated in 1993), and bear him no ill will nor harbor resentments.  A chapter in my life closed, healed and overcome.  So I am proceeding with counselling for my kids, and perhaps myself in learning to successfully address and overcome those issues.

I'd love to give twin "B" a "fun" summer, but she's lined up a parttime job, has softball and soccer here, and has a boyfriend, and wants to stay in her home enjoying these things. If I insisted ("you're going to GO... and you're going to have FUN", dammit!), that would equate to a punishment... not a reward.

Realistically, I cannot afford ANY of these programs.  The Anasazi one mentioned by PHX looks really great, safe, and wholesome, but it is extremely expensive and seems geared towards drug problems.  Mine's been smoking some weed, , but to my knowledge, it's nothing more than experimentation... and I expect that and accept that and trust she'll come out of the experience a little wiser.  That unto itself is not our crisis.

I am sure this is disjointed.  I apologize...  and I DO sincerely thank you for your input, suggestions, and obvious compassion.  You're clearly a very grounded, bright, and insightful lady.  Thank you.

-pieper

fka,

Thanks for your response.  The "princess" commentary is what her siblings and friends call her.  She thinks she's too good to do that which most people know needs to be done, ie- walk the dog, help in the garden, speak respectfully to adults, vacuum, be grateful for that which she has, etc.  Compounding the whole situation is the fact that she's an identical twin, the sort rarely heard about - mirror imaged.  Which leads to unending bickering, jealousy, etc.  Sibling rivalry to the Nth degree.  But I'm used to that, and don't sweat it.  I just try to be fair, consistent and available to mediate when needed.

Last summer this twin opted to spend with her father and step-mother.  BIG mistake. The "princess" syndrome worsened, and the other twin felt VERY resentful for being left home to do the right things... chores, family interaction, be responsible and accountable to the rules of our family.  A "fun" summer camp would serve to only exacerbate this problem.  A summer program that involved physical activity, structure and accountability would not cause more angst.  BTW... her stealing is from me, her father/step-mother, and Lordknows who else. Not her twin, who doesn't have much TO steal.  :smile: Her lying OTOH is nearing pathological.

Unfortunately, the problematic twin has failed her freshman year in high school, and therefore ineligible to work (legally).  She believes she's "too good" to volunteer, although I continue to look for volunteer opportunities that might interest her. :sigh:  She's bright, a good athlete, but her choices this academic year have minimized ALL of that.  Tough to remain a good athlete when you're smoking 'n toking, and your grades preclude team school sports.  Her grades suck due to incessant cutting and sitting in class writing notes to these "friends" (who happen to be 2nd year freshmen with little interest in avoiding third-year freshman status!) and sleeping every moment she can at home to avoid studying, etc.

Yes... I know ALL of this is in the realm of "normal".  And I am trying to avoid harm, while at the same time salvage the other two daughters.  And yes... I've worked with the school weekly to try to defeat these problems, but thanks to being in NYC, there's a serious overcrowding problem in the schools. The school can only move her classes, seats, schedule so many times.  They don't have the classes available to her in summerschool to make up the failures, which really sucks.  

Thanks again for your feedback. It's appreciated!
-pieper