Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

89-90 Here I think. Did 9 months before I 'copped out'. Been existing.. surviving...dying for 21 years. Did all the right things. Moved on.. got married.. got divorced.. got married again.. procreated... several times. Still have no enthusiasm or desire to live.. but refuse to die. STRAIGHT taught me to love misery. Look how I suffer.. look at ME!

Wish I could score an open Xanax scrip... I'm sure I could cope with life then. I hate the clueless sheeple. If I could burn the world I would.

Crazy? Naw.. I'm the sanest of the bunch.. the rest of the world is fucked. As they say.. just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get ya. Have you drawn your line in the sand?

Ah the senseless chaotic rage. Such a sweet indulgence. But the reality of MY reality is just the same as when I was in the loving program known as STRAIGHT; Keep our head low... stay off the radar and live another day.

Glad to hear so many are doing ok... Especially all the ladies.. you really kept me sane.. just by being you.

From the bell tower  ::unhappy::
Thom Hulen

PSYCHO-RANT ON

Shit! ... Nature has a way of leveling things.

Hmm. While it is true that "nature" has a way of leveling things, how can you be sure that "nature" doesn't employ that which is the problem (human ideals of control through violence) to defeat the problem (human ideals of violence through control). Perhaps someone abducting and returning the favor to those that proliferate this type of behavior is exactly "nature's" plan.

It is the human animal's nature to exact revenge. Never be deluded into thinking that you are nothing more than an animal. What the "Straights" did could be considered a crime against humanity... certainly a crime against children. But to not put an immediate and undeniable end to this could be considered a crime against nature itself. Your job as a good little monkey is to further your gene pool. You do this.. and you protect that end. Straight kills children spiritually and sadly in some cases literally. Perhaps those that committed suicide would have anyway.. but Straight-like programs have to seriously be considered a factor.

So here you have this institution that works directly against nature.. you have a genetic obligation to put an end to it. You may think that doing it "the right" way is the only "civilized" thing to do... Fuck civilization. In the grand scheme of things, our "civilization" is exactly what spawned this creature to begin with. If you think that this type of thing will go away by playing within the rules, you should do the gene-pool a favor and go play in traffic at rush hour. It hasn't gone away in 2 decades.

The-powers-that-be don't really care. If they did, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

 You ARE a part of nature. Everything serves a purpose. Everything has a place. Whether this is by design or not can and will be debated forever. Your place is in the now. Do something about your problems... or don't.. Either way... quit whining about it

Burn these buildings to the ground. And if you
can.. catch executive staff in the building. Don't forget your marshmallows.

PSYCHO-RANT OFF

So the preliminaries are a fog. I have no friggin' clue when my intake was. Don't really care. It was a long time ago. I'm thinking 88 or 89 in Stoughton, MA. All I really know is this THING happened to me... and life has never been the same since.

When I left Straight, I dropped off my newcommers (I'm SO SORRY) and walked on out the door. Hitchhiked back to New Hampshire. Hid out for a few days and for whatever insanely stupid reason, let my mom talk me into comming back to "sign out the right way". It's a bit foggy there. I can't remember if I had the caring loving exit interview.. I think I did, but all I really remember was being in the parking lot and having Executive Staff try and pull the "we love you so much, come back and we can work this all out" pep talk. I turned my back and walked away.

Of course at this point, my mom excommunicated me from the family. My house was still a Straight house. She was brainwashed hardcore. She got more from that program than me. Had to deal with Alanon crap for years. I was homeless for awhile.. Managed to swing a job when I got to a homeless shelter after wearing out the welcome of all my friends parents. I stayed sober for all of a year (including my 9 months incarceration) and finally woke up to the fact that what I had become was not working for me. I started making choices for myself again. A little LSD here.. alot of alcohol there, copious amounts of dope. Life was less painful again.

My parents ended up getting divorced because of Straight. Thank god.. they were miserable together. Lived with my dad for a bit... and then somehow a few foggy months later I was married to a girl that rented a room from my dad. She seriously played us both. She wanted out of her parents house so badly and found a way to do it.

I wish I knew what the fuck I was thinking then. Wish I had the foresight to see through the Straight programming there. Everyone I knew kept asking me if I knew what I was doing.. And all I could hear was staff telling me my thoughts and choices were wrong. I mostly got married out of spite; To prove to everyone else that *I* was in control of MY life.. not anyone else. Tell me THAT'S not fucked up?

So along comes my first kid. Now I'm a dad.. Oh goody.. an opportunity to destroy someone elses life. Like I was remotely prepared to be a dad. Shit.. I'm still not now.

All this time I'm getting progressively angry. Something new for me. Anger turns to rage.. rage turns to hatred. I hate everything.. the world, society, government, people.. but heres the kicker.. I'm a social creature. I NEED to be around people. I can play the hermit game for awhile.. but eventually I find my way back to people. And they actually like me.. want to be around me.. want to "know all about me"... EXCUSE ME? Get the fuck away from me you fucking vampire... go sap someone else's energy.. I need all mine just to make it through the day. WHY on earth would anyone want to know me? Don't they know that I've become a force of chaos? That everyone that gets involved with me will get hurt? No no... they all want my advice.. I'm so wise.. how did I get where I was? How can I be so confident.. the lone wolf.. we wanna be like you... "Let me tell you.. go south young man.. go to Stoughton, MA and click your heels 3 times. Close your eyes and step through the doors of an old UPS building. And buckle the fuck up.. it's gonna rock your world"

I have a Straight staff member living in my head. Somewhere the programming has manifested as a separate nasty critical voice that questions EVERYTHING I do. Sanity begins to slip away. I can't make a decision. I'm afraid I'll make the wrong one. Hell, I'm afraid I'll make the right one, and life might get better. Then there will be something in my life that can be taken away again. I can't afford to care about anything. Only hatred is real.. Only *I* am real. But I don't know what *I* am. I define myself by my failures.. and limited successes. I define myself by my intelligence.. and having all the answers. My biggest fear is the judgement that will follow my saying "I don't know". I never commit to anything that will encourage that. I never try new things unless I have a better than 95% guarantee that it will work to my favor. I sit on the outside watching life go by.. Like a predator.. or more aptly.. an opportunistic predator.. like the spider that ambushes from the shadows and retreats with its prize. Not the proud lion that lets the world's worries slide off it's pride. No fear.

Even now.. re-reading this spew... Staff central in my head says "Have a seat!" Quit whining.. can't change the past.. Well no fucking shit... So what do you do with that? Buy a gun? Declare open season in Florida? Or maybe just turn it on that staff member in my head? What DO you do with it?

Rage is a wonderful curse. Alot like an LSD trip.. its all fun and games.. until you don't want to be like that anymore.. hour 5 of a good trip rolls around.. and you're feeling pretty done.. and you suddenly walk through the gates of hell and the smile on your face isn't quite so smiley anymore.

There used to be a time when I would wish no harm on anyone. Now... Now I think I'd be a good candidate for a WMD. Just drop me off in a place that we want to cause to most possible damage to and let me go.

So I'm left here with a better life and a shitty history. I freed myself from a hellish marriage. Actually I'm friends with her. Re-married. Have 2 more wonderful children and a great wife. But.. I'm still not the greatest Dad. I struggle with Bi-polar type 2 daily, weekly, monthly.. you name it.. fucked up manic depression. I still hate everything. I question it all... The fundamental all of it.. the actual nature of reality. My interests have turned to entheobotany and shamanism. Cuz the answers sure as shit are NOT in this culture. and if its really all about American life.. if this is the culmination of human history.. stop the fucking bus.. I want off now.

Hows this for fucked up.. Family to me are possessions.. Fuck with mine and I'll kill you.. slow and painfully if possible. All my evil layed on thick like a Straight PB&J. But... My ability to be close.. to get involved in their lives.. to ask how their day was and actually fucking care what their answer is? (This is on a bad day mind you.. I have my manic swings as well) All except my daughter. I'll drop everything for her. But oh the horrid fantasies. The fears of every dad. I've had horrible fantasies of harm coming to her.. and I swear my skull will split. The rage and vengence I unleash in my head is astronomical. I should probably see someone about that.

Blah.. I'm done for now. Again.. my head hurts.. and I don't really feel any better about my life.
And for those that may choose to offer kind happy words...Save it. It WON'T get any better. Entropy is at work. Things don't get better in life.. they break down into chaos. If you want something better, you have to make it.. and I'm tired of trying. Just sooo very tired.

Thom

Sadly, if Miller takes it to the Feds, he will win. City, state, and county law cannot supercede federal law (and in an ideal world the converse would be true). What makes the pill even more bitter.. if he does take it to the feds, I have to agree with him. As much as I feel Miller should be forced to an eternity of Near-Death-Experience torture via the medium of ticks and leaches and other psychologically damaging parasites, I value my first amendment rights too much to risk presedent being set by that worthless turd and his ultimately meaningless case. Everyone has a right to display a religeous symbol on private property... Sorry if the crazy ass political fringe wings don't agree, but it is a right afforded by the Constitution. End of story. We had a case like this up in Massachusetts where some guy erected a 30 foot lit cross on his property... typical story, bleeding hearts took offense, big legal battle happened, and guess who prevailed?.. The Constitution of the USA. I don't agree with the situation.. I think the Catholic/christian dogma should suffer its own Inquisition and be eradicated... but I do agree the guy has a right to his beliefs, and a right to scream them at the top of his lungs for the world to hear whether they want to or not.

A much more satisfying and elegant solution to the problem at hand is to let him have his precious way.. and then unleash the full fury of Beaurocracy on him.. Since it would be a public building.. force every city code on him... Initiate Dept of health and fire code searches daily under the guise of concerned anonymous phone calls. With the neighbors being so upset, I'm sure that vandalism would run rampant, and the helpless feeling he would have without police cooperation may mconvey some of the feeling 100K+ kids felt through the years.

Hatred is a wonderful thing sometimes. I can really get juiced up about Straight and everything that happened to me... but I won't let it make me blind to the things that really matter. It's bad enough my personal freedoms are horribly trounced upon in this world we live in now. I refuse to let some piece-o-shit garbage have a chance at taking away any more of my rights.