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Messages - Forever Young

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1
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Survivor of Kids Of NJ
« on: April 11, 2002, 10:04:00 PM »
I wish there were help for me out there.  I have the name of a therapist and have left 5 messages in two weeks and she has not called back.  There is no help and but you have a great life and glad it's working out well.

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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Survivor of Kids Of NJ
« on: April 11, 2002, 05:15:00 AM »
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.  It's true, everyday it's hard to even open my door to cheque the mailbox.  I am in western canada not the states.  And yup I got the eviction notice and paid on that day but it was the principle of it.  Don't know if I can pay rent at end of this month and don't care.  I don't plan on going anywhere as I have no where to go anyway.  No don't ask about family as I have none.  I don't have a single good friend where I live and I would never ask an aquantance for help.  So I have really put myself in a corner.  Maybe that's why I am just apathetic to it all.  Before I would have been fighting tooth and nail.  Too tired now.  I don't know what the future has in store for me and I can't even imagine.  KIDS changed my life.  I literally came home after KIDS and had nothing left.  That was 12 years ago.  Here I stand today and look back at the last 12 years thinking how delusional I was.  Sadly, now that I am 30 (last week was my bday) that is almost half my life.  The prior half was neglect, abuse and a martyr.  What am I going to be for the next 10-15 years of my life?  I can't spend it alone like I have these last 30.  What is the point?  

And life isn't always good or easy.  God, do I know it.  But I don't blame life or God.  I can't blame anyone sadly.  I have spent half my life having people tell me to look at what I am responsible for and who I have harmed etc and that is what I am left with.  No one to blame but me.  I was also taught to stand on my own two feet and pick myself up.  My ex said to me that I could do this alone and that I didn't need anyone.  I looked at him and said he was right.  It was what he wanted to hear.  I can admit it here - I need help.  I did ask him for help as a friend but he refused.  There was my answer.  My house is so big and I feel so alone.

Take care.

Forever Young

3
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Survivor of Kids Of NJ
« on: April 10, 2002, 06:15:00 AM »
It took all my courage and am still not willing to submit my name.  I cannot talk yet.  I typed it, and that is just the forfront issue.  I cannot talk to anyone about me.  I do not have those skills.  Not since kids.  I shut down.  But this time it's worse.  I am bidding time waiting to lose my home and that's it for me.  Losing my partner last week put (pardon the punn) nail in the coffin.  I can't phathom even walking out my door, let alone picking up the phone.  Or really conversing about anything.  I have one friend where I am living and told her she won't hear from me for a while as I hate having negative shit going on and burdening people with it.  Like I am doing here..This is different - you chose to read.  I was a burden to my ex and they couldn't handle it.  I am ashamed and scared of what I have become.  This is far worse than 5 years ago (when I went into remission for my depression).  It's so hard now.  I was younger then, less responsibility AND liability.  I don't need to tell anyone about overhead and banks.  Not funny but true.  Living in same house nearly 4 years.  Never missed or been even a day late for rent.  This month had to cash RRSP and it took 48 hours.  I was 2 days late and I got an eviction notice.  My ex then left me.  That was last week.  Things are not getting better.  I was so strong and independant and now....I reverted back to irrational decisions like when I was younger and had far less experience.  But today - I know I just don't have the heart anymore.  Too much for me.  And no I couldn't call.  Talking will not fix me.  I know the answers I am just trying to see if I have it in me to fight again.  Do you understand?  

Thanks for the reply by the way.  Are the girl that moved to the states after AARC?

Thanks for reading again and for wanting to help.  NOTED!

Have a good day.

Forever Young

4
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Survivor of Kids Of NJ
« on: April 10, 2002, 03:53:00 AM »
I need help! I discovered these sites almost two years ago and since have been thinking about it since leaving the nest.  I went years thinking nothing of it.  Does anyone have any idea how fucked up I (lots of us) are because of that hole.  I like many others revert to myself in crisis and suffered horrific depression for a long time.  I feel like giving up.  I just don't see hope anymore.  I have little coping skills and have lost everything in the past few months.  I can't fight anymore.  I have cornered myself and fear I have no where to turn now.  My significant other left me (on my birthday) and since have been holed up at home.  I can't even pick up the phone.  Haven't eaten a meal in days.  Can't sleep.  Off on sick benefits (and never not worked in over 10 years).  I can honestly say I have no desire to look for work or have the ability to anyhow.  I lost my job when my depression got worse.  Which started after being haunted by these sites; realizing how much I had not dealt with after leaving Kids.  I have no friends, no family and soon no home.  I am scared I won't make it this time.  I see myself as getting weaker not stronger now.  Maybe it's just easier giving up because I have nothing anymore.  But I am hanging in there.  Yesterday I had hopefull thoughts and today I was scared of my actions.  

I was in Kids of NJ 89-90 and am a Canadian.

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