Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Anonymous on January 19, 2005, 09:04:00 PM
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If I do not drink I am IRRITABLE. I annoy the crap out of my own self and those around me. But I thought I should stop drinking. But now that I am nuts again I think I really should drink, at least until I find something else. I really am WHACKED.
In case there are any LOSERS who are going to suggest that I go to AA, I will tell you up front that I will only laugh at you. I only found out recently that alcohol cures my irritability. I have gone many years wishing I were not irritable, and at the same time I was not drinking.
However, it has recently come to be my wish that I not be so fucking godamn irritable. That wish has been fulfilled by alcohol. What I would like to know is if anyone has had the experience of being a very irritable, annoyed, and annoying person, and if they have found a cure or remedy for that.
You really have more than half an hour, but I will probably go buy some alcohol in half an hour.
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What about MJ? do you like to smoke it?
I know if I don't suggest this that someone will, if they haven't already during the time that I was reading your post and writing mine...
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Yes I do like MJ. I have a number of responsibilities, so the times when I can be that high are somewhat limited. I wish I had some tonight. Reagan Youth reminded me of somethng I had forgotten for a long time until tonight, I screamed when I was restrained. Tried to, that is, you know, they put their hands on my mouth. Today I told the doctor I get headaches and other aches all the time and I take ibuprofen all the time. He told me it was okay to take ibuprofen all the time and I should do something to deal with stress. Then I went to the dentist, and they said my tooth pain was from grinding my teeth, and yes that might be causing the jaw pain and the headaches.
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That's my mind state everyday. Prozac and Paxil helped some.
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On 2005-01-19 18:04:00, Anonymous wrote:
"If I do not drink I am IRRITABLE. I annoy the crap out of my own self and those around me. But I thought I should stop drinking. But now that I am nuts again I think I really should drink, at least until I find something else. I really am WHACKED.
In case there are any LOSERS who are going to suggest that I go to AA, I will tell you up front that I will only laugh at you. I only found out recently that alcohol cures my irritability. I have gone many years wishing I were not irritable, and at the same time I was not drinking.
However, it has recently come to be my wish that I not be so fucking godamn irritable. That wish has been fulfilled by alcohol. What I would like to know is if anyone has had the experience of being a very irritable, annoyed, and annoying person, and if they have found a cure or remedy for that.
You really have more than half an hour, but I will probably go buy some alcohol in half an hour."
Go drink! Whats the problem? you cant drink and function in life? Do what you want as long as you dont hurt anyone..
Can you not drink and control it? Im like that with heroin so I just dont do it. Find something else ...valium? Xanax ?
Or try ther natural route....pot ,valerian root , melatonin..
_________________
"You see us coming and you altogether run for cover..We're taking over this fuking town"
RIP..Cowboys from hell
(http://http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/Toothfairy_TP/SJR-Philthumb.jpg)[ This Message was edited by: Scarstruck on 2005-01-20 11:07 ]
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On 2005-01-19 18:04:00, Anonymous wrote:
"If I do not drink I am IRRITABLE. I annoy the crap out of my own self and those around me. But I thought I should stop drinking. But now that I am nuts again I think I really should drink, at least until I find something else. I really am WHACKED.
In case there are any LOSERS who are going to suggest that I go to AA, I will tell you up front that I will only laugh at you. I only found out recently that alcohol cures my irritability. I have gone many years wishing I were not irritable, and at the same time I was not drinking.
However, it has recently come to be my wish that I not be so fucking godamn irritable. That wish has been fulfilled by alcohol. What I would like to know is if anyone has had the experience of being a very irritable, annoyed, and annoying person, and if they have found a cure or remedy for that.
You really have more than half an hour, but I will probably go buy some alcohol in half an hour."
I'm drunk as hell now, man, and I bet you are, too....CHEERS!!! :rofl: :rofl:
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This shit is too damn funny!
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Tonight it is funny. Me & my dog went riding around for an hour while I tried to decide whether to drink, what to drink and where to get it. When I am irritable, it alternates between wanting to cry and wanting to scream. I can't cry though. But there is a lump in my throat. So we went driving around, with the music turned all the way up, and floored it out of every intersection. Also when I get irritable I can get a little paranoid, kind of like I am see through, so I had to turn around from one store.
All the way back in town, a truck with a plow on it ripped out of a driveway and cut me off, so I pulled into the other lane and passed him. When the next light turned green he peeled out and got ahead of me again. So I turned left to take the long way around, but I was thinking he must be going to the same place I was. Sure enough, I turned into the parking lot at the wholesale liquor outlet, and he was in the back, plowing like a madman. :rofl: Poor guy probably has a bunch more customers to get to before he can have his drink.
The loud music, the ice on the road that made it fun and skiddy every time I took off, the drunk with the plow, plus the time just driving around all helped burn off irritability.
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Glad to hear you are feeling better.
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It seems to me that alcohol doesn't CURE your irritability, it just suspends it as you are speaking of the irritability again now.
Seems like there a few choices. Make a commitment to dive inward(with professional help) and unravel the mess, numb it temporarily with chemicals with the knowledge that it will return upon the un-intoxication that is inevitable or just get used to being irritable.
I vote for unraveling the mess combined with alot of cuddle time with the dog and some less loud music. Get a nice candle and a yoga tape, go for a walk in the woods... find something to be grateful for...go help someone in worse shape than you. You'll be ok.
I wish you peace of mind.
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Build an inner door, drop and then explore
You smoke your head on straight, then drink
Your woes away
Some might not understand possession that's beyond your head
You recognize it, while some ignore it
Avoid the masses, you got to belong to it
So the music is your friend
Well it's the roof above my head
So seriously I take the will that never breaks
Some might not understand, the possession that controls your hands
It's power and sin
And then you've got whisky and smoke
And it's all a man could need, to plant the perfect seed
To disembody me
Making more like you and me
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i know.
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air all i need
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CAN'T YOU EVER SHUT UP?
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No, I maintain my previous statement. Air. All I Need. The lunatic asylum existed in the mind first. Lock in the noise. Keep the crazy hidden.
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Those who failed to do this paid the price. They failed to construct the architecture in their own minds. Take Woof-A-Doof's story. He failed. He thought he was free. Sit in the meadow and smoke ganja and throw the frisbee. Make connections and see the world different. Same with you. No one could get you. Not their threats, you laughed in their faces and ran out the door. Walked through the night, free in the summer. Failed to construct the architecture of time regimentation and obedience in your own mind and live there.
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we need the blueprints to that building
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Why? What is your problem? Get over it. Yes, get over it.
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Get over it. Yes, get over it.
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You know to those that have complaints I would say: get over it. Yes, get over it.
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The blueprint. That is what we are looking for. What did they build in your mind. Don't speak. Don't scream. Sit still. Face forward. Don't scream. What walls are in your dreams at night. Friends you meet today even, exist in that building, in your mind. In your dreams. Everything is in the building.
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Why don't shut up, you fucking moron, you make no sense.
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running through old tapes and blowing off steam again?
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You got that right.
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I wanted to quit drinking because it is costing me money $$ and putting on a few pounds ##. Has anyone found the booze to beat both games?
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In an effort to avoid being called/labeled a "LOSER", I will refrain from suggesting AA. After all, it isn't my place, I don't know you and I don't know that you are in need of treatment found there. Perhaps you?re not an alcoholic; it is entirely possible that you are not. For the purpose of this writing, I will assume you are not an alcoholic and leave it at that.
However, the irritability issue is what seems most pressing at the moment and that I can relate to in a big way. And so, I will try to address the irritability and leave the alcohol issue at rest.
Irritability, anger....or flat out rage is, as I indicated, is something I know a lil about from personal experience. For many years after Straight I didn?t think of myself as an angry person...In fact I thought of myself as a pretty easy going, laid back kind guy. Little bit by little bit I began to seethe. I noticed (because friends/family pointed it out) I was hyper-critical of most anything.
I had married by that time. I had married a woman that had a young child...a pre-fabricated family. Here, my "irritability" began to blossom and mature. No longer was there a seething beneath the thin veneer of my falsified personality. I was quick to explode, and it would be less than the truth to imply my "irritability" did not affect others. It certainly did. My step son, had colic....he didn?t sleep for shit. He also had night terrors....meaning when he did sleep; he had horrible nightmares and woke up screaming bloody murder. Surely this colic and night terror thing had an effect on me.
Now it would be unfair to suggest that my step sons sleeping habit/conditions had anything to do with my "irritability". Did it exacerbate the situation...with out a doubt. Was the boys sleeping patterns the etiology of my "irritability", I do not believe so.
As the marriage progressed and the boy aged we began to compete for his mother?s affection. Dumb idea I know, in fact I knew it at the time. Knowing something like this intellectually, doesn't mean that I could refrain from the competition. Inevitably, I lost the competition...no surprise there huh.
I noticed that sounds he would make sent me into a frenzied state of rage. These sounds oddly enough came from him at a time of great happiness and would be considered sounds of glee. But never the less each time he made the sound, I went into a blinding rage.....internally. I say internal, because I was ashamed to show my rage...who in their right mind would explode into a blind rage at the sound of a gleeful child? Well, I did, sadly enough.
The marriage failed, and I thought my "irritability" would collapse as easily as the marriage....it did not. About 6 months after the divorce a Canadian tourist cut me off in traffic. I exploded into that blind rage once more...I was stunned! I couldn?t believe I was capable of such rage. But I was, and I couldn?t deny it.
Several years later I hauled off and got sober. About 3 years without a drink, my "irritability" resurfaced yet again. This time I could sense it stewing and boiling, just waiting for the opportunity to erupt so that I could spew forth my vile disgust for all that surrounded me. What the fuck?
I ended up seeing a doctor and explained my dilemma. I was diagnosed with "Explosive Temper Disorder". Hmmmm, no shit! He went further to explain that essentially I was experiencing ultra mild seizure activity. Which made sense considering, the responses I had to auditory stimulation from my step son. It also explained how I could feel myself seething (for no particular reason) and then explode over a snapped shoe lace to crazy traffic conditions. At that time I was placed on Klonopin.......WOW! Talk about taking the wind out of my sails, this shit worked. (Still does)
Later on, after a few years with the Klonopin, I again began to experience the "irritability" again. I had the good fortune of meeting a woman (with no AA/Straight affiliation), she suggested that my "irritability", "anger", "rage" may be due to....compromise. She explained that the "compromise" was not over which TV show, or over which movie to see, but internal compromise. Compromising ideals I held to be true for the sake of another?s ideals generates an internal conflict, thus the "irritability".....Hmmmm, she really started to make sense.
But how could this be???
Well, I compromised a lot of my internal landscape for and because of Straight Inc. And 20 years (now 27 years) after the fact I was still seething. It seemed absurd, to say the least...but could she be far from the truth? Could it be possible, that much (if not all) of my "irritability", stemmed from "compromise"? And if indeed there was an internal "compromise".....couldn't, wouldn't that be considered abuse or an act of denying my civil liberties? Seemingly I was opening up an old can of worms and it was scary...because the closer I looked into the "compromise" issue.....the angrier I got! Keep in mind, this was really beginning to shatter all ideas I had about myself being an easy going kinda guy, in fact I was beginning to see that I was basically...damaged goods.
Would I have to live with this constant under current of seething rage?
Yes, and No. In my view the operative word in the question is "constant". The word "constant" to me is much like the word "permanent". It is funny how intellect tells me that indeed nothing is permanent, and yet emotionally.....everything is permanent. Emotions are anything but permanent, they come and go like the clouds. It is true that emotions can be predictable, like night and day...yet they do not last.
Feelings are not facts...
I experience feelings, as anyone does......Sometimes I experience "Irritability", sometimes I experience "Embarrassment" and other times I experience "Happiness" and other times "Joy". None of these experiences are "facts" and by default they are not permanent. I won't even to begin to discuss the troubles I have gotten into by demanding something be permanent when it is not. It?s a self-induced mind fuck and it is absolutely unnecessary...It's an old habit I learned along time ago, in a place called Straight.
Regarding a remedy or cure in one word; Endurance. Whilst enduring the agitation of an irritable time, commit a random act of kindness, and don?t tell anyone. I know it sounds absurd, just like smiling while cleaning up cat puke?.sounds fucked up, but it stops the gag reflex.
In Peace?
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Woof: BUT I'M FUCKING NICE ALL THE TIME!!!!
:lol:
That is very interesting about the Klonopin. Did you mean that you were taking it for three years and then it started to lose effectiveness?
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P.S. Thank you very much for your extensive post, it is very helpful.
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On 2005-01-23 09:58:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Woof: BUT I'M FUCKING NICE ALL THE TIME!!!!
:lol:
That is very interesting about the Klonopin. Did you mean that you were taking it for three years and then it started to lose effectiveness?"
I agree, I hope not to imply that you are anything other than a good person. What you are going thru however sucks. Unfortunately, I have no answers only experience with the same issue.
I have "tricks" to entertain myself while experiencing 'those times'. If I could live my life in hermitage I think I could/would be quite content...even while experiencing "irritability".
For me the concern is not so much how I "feel", but how I affect other people. I have been fortunate to have good people in my life and much like yourself I felt I owe it to them to make sure they didnt have to "feel like walking on eggshells". Because of other people I just began to make a concerted effort---with moderate success...maybe...at best :lol:
I have learned alot along the way. I dont always remember all those things I learned...meaning I still "go off" from time to time. But now it's not so much the "shoe string snapping" that gets me. I tend to "go off" on percieved threats. I still tend to be very quite about those times, but "it" is still there. However after prolonged provocation, my rage is not unlike a raging torrent of water. Shamefull, but true.
Regarding the Klonopin; when I take it yes, it is very effective. Shrill sounds and the like are 99% tolerable. It also helps in the sense that it "takes the edge off" and I have been told I am much more "approachable".
A google search on "Explosive Temper Disorder" would probably show some interesting insights as well...
Hate to sound cheezzy but just know your not alone
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ExCUSE ME! Who the fuck let this thread slip off the front page? Like I'm the only one who is fucking irritable around here? You would be too, if you lived in the north and not some pussyass state like Florida, the armpit of america, I visited there once. It stank. And it's flat. BOOORRRIINNG. I did like all the water. That is so uhm something for the soul.
But anyways, it's fucking godamn fucking cold. And I still have to go outside again tonight. FUCK!!! And, when I was making dinner I was so fucking irritable that I sliced my finger. AGAIN!!! And the godamn stove keeps going out! FUCK!!! THat means it's fucking ten o'clock at night, I have to back outside to do chores for fifteen or twenty minutes, then come back INSIDE and SAW SOME GODAMN KINDLING, because I'm too fucking scattered to ever remember to take a walk and get some sticks.
So, Tonight it is Corona Light and fucking Rolling Rock Green Light. I'm not reallya beer drinker, but whatev, 83 calories. PISS!
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I'm gonna go knock back a few right now.....CHEERS!
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"When times are good, people drink. When times are bad, people drink more"
-Liquor store owner, explaining his prosperityA man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Samuel Clemens "Mark Twain", American author and humorist
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GODAMN FIRE!!!!!
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Could be a winter thing? Is there a conservatory or arboratum near you? Lame as hell, I know. And I don't mean to minimalize what your dealing w/. But if it seems like a not unpleasant waste of a couple of hours, it might be worth a shot. And it has that talisman effect. You can see, feel, smell and anticipate the whole experience, drastically different from everything outside the foggy glass walls. If you think it'll work, it probably will.
I give money for church organs in the hope the organ music will distract the congregation's attention from the rest of the service.
--Andrew Carnegie, Scottish-born American industrialist and philanthropist
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The dark and the cold have a lot to do with it, sure. It is a relief when December 21 comes around, then after that you know it will get lighter every day. Now it is cold as hell, which just makes ordinary activities painful. But it also breeds a certain satisfaction.
Now that I have a substantial bed of coals and a popping fire (kindling is key!) I will say that I mean a lot of my piss posts in jest. I'm making fun of myself, really. At the same time, I really am having a little nervous breakdown as I blow helplessly on the logs to get them to catch good. I was always taught that anger is bad, which can compound things, if you get mad, then you hate yourself for getting mad. Now I am starting to find it very very funny. This girl flicked me off so I sped up and tailgated her for two miles. What a bitch I am! But at the light, she's giving me the finger again, and I'm laughing, for real, I think it is very funny! Ooh, mad girl! Okay, note to self, stop driving impetuously, now! Oh yeah, and don't skid out of stoplights when there is other traffic on the road, unless you can do a quick save, like me, when your car goes out of control on the ice! It was an excellent, last minute save, then I was laughing for half a mile, then the cops raced up -- DOH! --and passed me and pulled over the other guy who was going a lot faster!
This weekend I am getting TBPITW, and also I hope a good set of speakers. Then I will be all meow meow set to go.
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meow?
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::bump::