Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones => Topic started by: blownawaytheidahoway on November 16, 2004, 01:02:00 PM
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OK. Let's have a rap.
Alright, I'll start:
First of all, I want to remember more. (I'm a real glutton for punishment, see emergent patterns from BM programs)
Secondly, I want to understand more about the methods carried out and the desired ends of the "facilitators". Translation: what the fuck were they thinking?
Thirdly, I want to understand the the history of this conflictive form of therapy. Was this approach a norm in cultic intimicy? There is a heap of issues tied up in this query: It is true in my opinion, that without the raps being as unrestrained as they were, the entire program would have failed in it's necessary quasi-complete fear based brainwashing method. I really, really thought the entire place was bugged my first several weeks. I just couldn't understand why Caroline Wolfe warned me on my third day that she knew what I had been up to, and that heard everything...shit...I believed that after she told me what I had been up to!
Fourthly, the encouragement all of us received to participate fully in blowing others away or for blowing snot with convincing emotion to pass the specific facilitator muster, cannot be ignored. If you remained recalcitrant for too long your number was up and you would have weeks of enduring screaming by any combination of facilitator/older students. Complying was mandatory! I was scared of snapping my first year. I learned to subjugate myself in order to escape more verbal assaults. It's never left me, but I'm trying to explore this...
The down and dirty of the whole implementation of "breaking kids down" was done regardless of what the individual in the hot seat really needed. Oh, CEDUites can claim that those assaults and specific "endictments"/ comments are as real as the CEDU philosophy, but herein is the problem.
I expect to explore this over the next several months and hope to invite all to comment in this string. Let's keep it honest. I especially hope to hear from Ex-Staffers. The insights they could bring would be invalueable. I'm just getting cocky now because I'm sure that ain't spelled right. But in all sincerity let's just see how low we can go.
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tell us the staff with commentary name by name and the cedu connection
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Who wasn't mean at times?
Who wasn't prone to have a bad day and take it out on a student they thought was bratty, spoiled, nasty, or just a plain easy target.
Which staff wasn't expected to carry out their duty to back other powerstaffers and support them in their conquests of verbal bloodletting?
Which staff didn't get caught up the need for oneupsmanship in the Dirt sessions versus the need for honesty by telling bizzarre truths that should better have remained hidden away from students?
Were there staff who cared to take a different approach to raps and how long did they last?
How many times did you see the new staff whom you liked, who you thought was a softie (and also arrived to work their first day with a spouse???) turn into an ogre after having been humiliated in front of a bunch of kids by one of the wolfish powerstaffers?
The whole damn system from top to bottom was a machine dedicated to the power pecking order! And you just knew that students could only do what they did for emotional survival.
Don't clam up people!
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Let it all out! :wave:
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On 2004-11-16 10:02:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
"OK. Let's have a rap.
Alright, I'll start:
First of all, I want to remember more. (I'm a real glutton for punishment, see emergent patterns from BM programs)
Secondly, I want to understand more about the methods carried out and the desired ends of the "facilitators". Translation: what the fuck were they thinking?
Thirdly, I want to understand the the history of this conflictive form of therapy. Was this approach a norm in cultic intimicy? There is a heap of issues tied up in this query: It is true in my opinion, that without the raps being as unrestrained as they were, the entire program would have failed in it's necessary quasi-complete fear based brainwashing method. I really, really thought the entire place was bugged my first several weeks. I just couldn't understand why Caroline Wolfe warned me on my third day that she knew what I had been up to, and that heard everything...shit...I believed that after she told me what I had been up to!
Fourthly, the encouragement all of us received to participate fully in blowing others away or for blowing snot with convincing emotion to pass the specific facilitator muster, cannot be ignored. If you remained recalcitrant for too long your number was up and you would have weeks of enduring screaming by any combination of facilitator/older students. Complying was mandatory! I was scared of snapping my first year. I learned to subjugate myself in order to escape more verbal assaults. It's never left me, but I'm trying to explore this...
The down and dirty of the whole implementation of "breaking kids down" was done regardless of what the individual in the hot seat really needed. Oh, CEDUites can claim that those assaults and specific "endictments"/ comments are as real as the CEDU philosophy, but herein is the problem.
I expect to explore this over the next several months and hope to invite all to comment in this string. Let's keep it honest. I especially hope to hear from Ex-Staffers. The insights they could bring would be invalueable. I'm just getting cocky now because I'm sure that ain't spelled right. But in all sincerity let's just see how low we can go. "
It all started here: http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia. ... nanon.html (http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/nrms/synanon.html)
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Here's about as down and dirty as you can get: http://morrock.com/synanon.htm (http://morrock.com/synanon.htm)
Straight from a horse's mouth.
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blownawy tells it like it is. I forgot so much yelling crying lying screaming and yelling. Picking on people anyone who resisted anything anyone who yelled back and got defensive. i remember black chairs and boxes of tiissues andmy ass falling asleep from four hours of not moving. I hated raps i hated raps i hated raps. so much lying and mean people picking on kids. seems being nice was not allowed.
why why why
:evil:
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I hate raps, they are useless, have absolutely no theraputic value, and although at times they were entertaining, raps were nonetheless a total waste of time. I got nothing out of them except for some very bad memories of other people's problems, which I never wanted to hear about in the first place.
I didn't want to hear about the girl who got ganged raped every night at the foster home, or about the guy who fucked his sister, or even his brother (I heard that one too). One guy used to make the dog lick his dick. I never needed to know how many times so & so made herself throw up, or how many times a week some guy jerks off in the shower fantasizing about raping his dorm mates. One guy used to stuff carrots up his ass to entertain his friends at parties, he even let people take pictures.....WHY THE FUCK DID I NEED TO HEAR ALL THAT????
I was a stupid, skinny, 14 year kid. I thought I knew everything when I really didn't know shit.... just like any other normal teenager!
Did I really need to know how many different places one could shoot heroin? Did I really need to hear some 45 year old guy (Rudy Bentz) talk about how great it felt to fuck a piece of warm liver thru a hole in a milk carton? Or how about what it feels like to be fucked by your own father? Did I really need to hear a 30+ year old male staff (steve laird) recall how tight a 13 year old pussy is?.... FUCK NO!!!
And what pray tell did these kids really get out of revealing all of this embarassing personal information (cop outs), besides humiliation that is?
Did they find real compassion, understanding, or even some sound wisdom and/or guidance to ease their guilt?....FUCK NO!!! They got nothing of the sort from the child fucking, white trash, cedu criminals to whom they confided in. Instead staff took this information and used it to degrade and label these kids. They beat down on these kids over and over again. They broke both spirits and hearts,not to mention minds. For many former students, the damage that raps inflicted is irreversible.
Raps are nothing but a very sick tool that Cedu uses to exercise control, and in the use of their tool, Cedu staff know no limits to their cruelty.
Raps are sick, but then again, what else can you
expect from Cedu?
.[ This Message was edited by: SON OF SERBIA on 2004-11-22 13:22 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: SON OF SERBIA on 2004-11-22 13:20 ]
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Staff will tell you "You are only going to get out of the rap what you put into the rap" Now what does that mean? In their minds it means pour your little heart out into everyone else's open hands so that they can tear it into nice little shreds and stab you once their done. The staff get a sick thrill out of watching the students break down and crushing their world. By putting a lot into raps you will ultimately get fucked over by staff for saying things they didn't know about, that they don't want you to say, or simply because they can. You will also lose trust from those other students and be feared for what you might drag them into. Raps are an easy way for staff to get the juicy information that they could not get themselves because they weren't doing their job properly. Why help the students and guide them along when the students can just tell you everything that has gone "wrong" or what the staff missed?
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[ This Message was edited by: blownawaytheidahoway on 2006-04-11 05:31 ]
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(BlownAway) I'm not quite sure what it is that you're asking me, but I most definately stand behind everything I've said here about cedu and raps.
Could you be a little more specific?
Thanks.
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I am trying to kick up more shit. For me, mostly. But I also want to keep the dialogue happening becuase I need the input. It keeps me inspired to try to capture the totalitarianism of the thing. When it seems a bit overwhelming I've taken to reading through the archive pages here. It would be cool to continue conversations that seemed to have died weeks/months ago. It's the coolest thing about a site like this and finding people like me and you. I go through and see how timid I was at first. Not sure if being angry was ok. It is in this veign that I try to revive it for myself here. I just see that there are only like four or five of us who are constantly pecking away, drilling cedu, re-invigorating the fight, feeding the monkey, putting forward our arguments...and I'm the newbie. But I need you guys. I'm trying to bring fresh interest to this site. New viewers who are education/law specialists. I went to Cedualumni.com and started talking some shit there too. Let's shake this tree! Raps were so fucked up. When I was reading on some conversations that I wasn't around for I saw comments that I wanted to bring to the topic I had recently created. It is then that I posted to you...and also to get my all important rap subject back to the top of the list!
Sorry, guess I'm long winded.
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staff are coerced into abusing by being fined if they do not do what the leader says students buy into because they are easily conned and are desperate to show others that they are "serious" about the place and that the place "works" and that they have "friends" and that they are "loyal" . it is all designed for them to get their way and you to be under their control so they can shake you and the state down for however long it suits them. they use the excuse of their "familys". under cedu logic the nazi's were okay as long as they were loyal to each other. that means the kids are being used and if anyone deprogams them they are to be stopped by any means necessary and that means calling all the parents and turning them against those who have discovered that it is a racket run by those who do not know what they are doing and followed by kids who only want acceptance by their "friends".
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On 2004-11-16 10:02:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
Thirdly, I want to understand the the history of this conflictive form of therapy. Was this approach a norm in cultic intimicy? There is a heap of issues tied up in this query: It is true in my opinion, that without the raps being as unrestrained as they were, the entire program would have failed in it's necessary quasi-complete fear based brainwashing method. I really, really thought the entire place was bugged my first several weeks. I just couldn't understand why Caroline Wolfe warned me on my third day that she knew what I had been up to, and that heard everything...shit...I believed that after she told me what I had been up to!
if you want to understand this history - the "raps" (called "forums" at Cascade) were based on the Synanon Game. you can read about it here:
http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia. ... nanon.html (http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/nrms/NRMS_unedit/synanon.html)
cedu = charles e. dederich university. don't buy that see - do crap.
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i think in raps we should be able to beat the kids because its gets the point across other than that raps realy suck
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ask
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The only rap I really remember was directed at me, courtesy of Caroline. I got caught with a boy that I liked and spent the next rap being accused of being a slut, whore, etc. People were leaning forward on the edges of their chairs screaming at me. I just wanted to die.
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On 2005-04-11 07:29:00, vortexwx wrote:
"The only rap I really remember was directed at me, courtesy of Caroline. I got caught with a boy that I liked and spent the next rap being accused of being a slut, whore, etc. People were leaning forward on the edges of their chairs screaming at me. I just wanted to die."
Believe me, if it only happened to you once, you got off lucky! Yeah, I remember getting screamed at in raps, just about every one I was in! I hated cedu, and I knew the program was bullshit from day 1. I vocalized these sentiments often, and this made me an easy target for the look goods. I can honestly say that during my stay at Cedu-Rs, I had to have been the most requested student in raps. Every ass-licker at RS knew to come after me when they wanted to deflect the heat off of their own asses.
This is what disgusted me the most about raps: how easily kids sold their friends out,or how viciously older students attacked new kids they didn't even know, to save their own asses. I never understood how the older student ass-lickers could live with themselves. How they were so content with abusing other kids and making their lives lives miserable, instead of standing up for themselves and telling cedu staff where to shove it!
I'm proud to say that during my whole time at cedu I never attacked anyone in a rap, I only responded (quite harshly at times), and I never told the staff criminals anything of real substance about myself. I was not going to give those creeps anything they could later use against me, like I saw them do to so many other kids.
Raps were utterly pointles...nothing more than an excuse for jealous, bitter, adult-failures (cedu staff)to vent their frustration at unsuspecting teenagers. Think about it. Kids who opened up, had that information used against them, and they were riddiculed with it until they broke down and were reduced to a screaming, sobbing, mucus dripping mess. Kids who didn't talk in raps were likewise riddiculed, and were punished for it later. There was no choice involved. You either talked and accepted the verbal abuse, or you were still abused and then punished later for not talking.
There is nothing theraputic about raps. In order for therapy to truly work, 2 elements are required. The 1st element is voluntary participation, therapy will never work unless you want it too, and are willing to make the effort. And 2nd, there has to be a level of trust between the client and therapist. The client needs to feel safe to talk about their problems. Again this information needs to be surrendered voluntarily, it can't be coerced.
Cedu Raps meet neither criteria. Cedu raps were mandatory. Participation in raps was mandatory. The climate of raps was built on fear, not trust. People talked in raps because they were afraid of what would happen if they didn't, and many facilitators even warned the students of the consequences for not participating in advance!
Raps are sick, and I for one am overjoyed that Cedu won't be having any more of them!
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From what I hear there are a few deals in the works to buy the CEDU properties to operate other "troubled teen" programs that are pretty similar---google "emotional growth" and boarding school or teenager or whatever and there are a whole lot of other CEDU clones still alive and well.
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The worst thing about raps was not knowing what you were getting into. And I don't mean a bunch of staff and look-goods yelling at you. I'm talking about those raps where you could hear all the other raps putting their chairs away and walking out of the building. You didn't know if this rap, even though no one's talking to you or about anything that concerns you, would go right through dorm time, and then you would go sit in the dining hall for 15 minutes together on bans from everyone else, and then you were on your way back to the house to keep it going for the night floor.
Then of course at the end - after some girl is sitting there from a tear jerking two hour discussion of the kid that put his finger in her butt in seventh grade and her father and everyone else's ass is completely numb - they give you a workie for not having something to say about it.
Good times.
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One could speculate that some staff may have been victimized by this approach and may be suffering from PTSD, too. Good luck in your recovery and in reclaiming YOUR truth.
On 2004-11-29 15:10:00, iknowcedulies wrote:
"staff are coerced into abusing by being fined if they do not do what the leader says students buy into because they are easily conned and are desperate to show others that they are "serious" about the place and that the place "works" and that they have "friends" and that they are "loyal" . it is all designed for them to get their way and you to be under their control so they can shake you and the state down for however long it suits them. they use the excuse of their "familys". under cedu logic the nazi's were okay as long as they were loyal to each other. that means the kids are being used and if anyone deprogams them they are to be stopped by any means necessary and that means calling all the parents and turning them against those who have discovered that it is a racket run by those who do not know what they are doing and followed by kids who only want acceptance by their "friends". "
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On 2004-11-29 14:18:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
"I am trying to kick up more shit. For me, mostly. But I also want to keep the dialogue happening becuase I need the input. It keeps me inspired to try to capture the totalitarianism of the thing. When it seems a bit overwhelming I've taken to reading through the archive pages here. It would be cool to continue conversations that seemed to have died weeks/months ago. It's the coolest thing about a site like this and finding people like me and you. I go through and see how timid I was at first. Not sure if being angry was ok....."
Interpersonal learning, therapy, and group experiences can be positive and wonderful when facilitated by competent leaders. Dr. Irvin Yalom is top in the field. Anybody who has had any REAL training is familiar with his list of curative factors. These factors can be used to assess the helpfulness of various group methods and experiences. How does this compare with your experience of CEDU Raps and Synanon techniques?
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/ ... i_19214464 (http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1249/is_n1_v70/ai_19214464)
?Curative factors in the camp experience by John K. Durall
When young people attend camp, they automatically experience beneficial psychological curative factors that help them move toward healthy developmental growth. These curative factors naturally exist at camp. By focusing on these factors, camp staff can intervene in and initiate situations that actualize curative factors.
Dr. Irvin Yalom's book, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, presents a list of curative factors that exist in group psychotherapy. Most, if not all, of these factors can be found at camp..........
[creating cohesion]
* Work toward having a consistent and positive relationship with each camper. Appropriately show concern, acceptance, genuineness, empathy, and generosity. Modeling this behavior encourages others to do the same.
* Recognize and deter events that may threaten cohesion. The scapegoating of one camper by other campers destroys cohesion. Another detriment is excessive and constant subgrouping.
· Accept and admit your own fallibility.?
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/ar ... ?artID=251 (http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=251)
Group Therapy for Adolescents: Clinical Paper
By Derek Wood, RN, BC, MS
Clinical Content Director
?....At this age, the members need to realize that difficulties and differences are normal, and that rather than ostracizing a member, they should be concerned for each other. This non-defensive posture needs to be modeled by the therapist by discussing their own behavior, teaching that they do not need to insist that they are always right, and being willing to admit if they make mistakes. If a mistake is made, examining the rationale behind the decision that was made with the members can encourage them to examine their own thinking when they make decisions. And viewing the therapist as a human capable of making mistakes will make it easier for them to face making their own.?
*********************************************
http://fox.klte.hu/~keresofi/psyth/a-to ... ctors.html (http://fox.klte.hu/~keresofi/psyth/a-to-z-entries/curative_factors.html)
Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest
CURATIVE FACTORS
Curative factors also could be called healing factors or factors responsible for therapeutic change. Yalom (1975) discussed eleven categories of curative factors in therapy groups: instillation of hope, universality, imparting of information, altruism, the corrective recapitulation of the primary family group, development of socialising techniques, imitative behaviour, interpersonal learning, group cohesiveness, catharsis, and existential factors. We could add closeness or intimacy and some others. These factors are interdependent. They represent "different parts of the change process, some refer to actual mechanisms of change, whereas others may be more accurately described as conditions for change" (ibid. p. 4)
Curative factors are implicit in the work of every author who writes about psychotherapy and technique designed to bring about therapeutic. Although a great number of similar or identical factors operate in different therapies, it is often one single factor that is emphasised by each particular author and becomes the hallmark of his or her approach. Perhaps the best-known are Freud's insight achieved through the therapist's interpretations and the corrective emotional experience formulated by Alexander and French (1946).
See also index: CORRECTIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE, INSIGHT, INTERPRETATION
[You can also check this index to see how other practices measures up in your experience.]
For example,
?Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest
FEEDBACK
Often a patient has the impression that the therapist has discovered and knows far more about him than she is telling him. In many instances the impression is quite correct and can be detrimental to the therapeutic alliance. One of the cogent reasons why the therapist has to feed back at least some of her insights to the patient is precisely to make him feel accepted as an equal participant in the process. He will have the satisfaction of seeing the therapist seriously interested in him and of being understood by her. The feedback also acts as a reassurance that the therapist does not hide important information from him. Another reason for feedback is to check the patient's reaction to the therapist's observations and conclusions and his thoughts about it. The patient might offer additional information in the light of which the therapist might have to modify her hypothesis. Or the patient might react vigorously against the therapist's insight not because it is wrong, but because he is not yet ready to receive it. Therefore, the therapist will have to communicate to the patient only as much as he can tolerate at any particular time. Good and deep communication can be maintained without unnecessarily alarming or hurting the patient.
The issue of feedback is especially relevant at the start in the assessment interview and in the first session. Later the therapist will increasingly try to help the patient to gain insights about himself by himself.
See also index: COMMUNICATION, INSIGHT, INTERPRETATION
Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest
FACILITATING ENVIRONMENT
According to Winnicott the "environment, when good-enough, facilitates the maturational process" (1976, pp. 223, 239) of the infant. In itself it does not make the infant grow nor does it determine the direction of its growth. The "facilitating" or " "holding" or "good-enough" environment adapts itself to the changing needs of the maturing infant. It follows the infant, thus becoming progressively less important and in due course it makes itself redundant. A similar process takes place in a "good- enough" therapy.
See also index: DEPENDENCE, GOOD-ENOUGH
Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest
RIGIDITY
This concept is taken from physiology where it means strong muscular contraction. Psychologically, rigidity might be a defence against engulfing emotions, the fear of tenderness, the fear of chaos. In personality theory it refers to cognitive, perceptual inflexibility. For instance, patients often come to therapy with a very rigid self-image and it is always a sign of therapeutic progress when this image becomes more flexible. The so-called "authoritarian personality" described by Adorno (et al., 1959) of the Frankfurt school of sociology is a clear example of psychic rigidity. It is a personality type who has stereotyped, prejudiced views of people, cultures, ethnic and other groups, nations, desires and approves of strong leadership, repression of pleasure, wants harsh laws and severe punishments for those who transgress the law.
See also index: DEFENCES, SELF-IMAGE, VALUES
Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE
The patient must get the feeling that he, his true feelings, his true self are accepted absolutely without any reservation. This acceptance is conveyed to him through the therapist's overall behaviour, her genuine interest in his person and her non-judgemental attitude. Unconditional acceptance of the real person, of course, does not include the acceptance of everything he does. Hopefully, he will be able to internalise this attitude and accept himself fully while trying to get rid of the maladaptive bits left over from the past.
See also index: ATTITUDE OF THE THERAPIST, "LOVE", RESPECT, STRENGTH, TRUST
from Angela Molnos? A PSYCHOTHERAPIST?S HARVEST
http://fox.klte.hu/~keresofi/psyth/psyhthr.html (http://fox.klte.hu/~keresofi/psyth/psyhthr.html)
And then, for comparison, see [SYNANON is referenced]
http://www.heart7.net/thought-reforming-techniques.html (http://www.heart7.net/thought-reforming-techniques.html)
Attacks on Peripheral versus Central Elements of Self
and the Impact of Thought Reforming Techniques
(c) The Cultic Studies Journal, Vol 3, N°1, 1986
(c) by Richard Ofshe, Ph.D. and Margaret T. Singer, Pb.D.
?....In all settings, participation, conformity, and demonstrations of apparently genuine change or zeal were rewarded. In the harshest settings, rewards would include some seemingly minor but contextually significant material advantages (Segal, 1957). In all settings (with the possible exception of P.O.W. camps) peer or jailer social support, acceptance, and friendship also followed incremental changes in the prescribed direction.
The role of peer interaction in the creation and manipulation of guilt and associated emotional states is acknowledged as crucial in understanding how a target's behavior was shaped (Lifton, 1961; Schein, 1961). The target's peers did the principal work in this shaping. They had two tools with which to mold the individual.
Targets could be subjected to various forms of punishment by peer groups. Although punishment might be physical, most often it took the form of group criticism of the individual's past or present social beliefs and behaviors. The target's peers could withdraw support, isolate him or her, and subject the target to seemingly endless negative feedback regarding deviations from proper ideological positions and prescribed behavior. In these criticism sessions, the target faced precisely those individuals on whom, due to circumstances, he or she was totally dependent for external validation of social identity. Peers acted in concert and aggressively criticized the target from a fixed standard of evaluation. Their focus was on any degree of deviation from absolute conformity to theoretical ideals of ideological understanding and behavior.
It was required that individuals make public to others within the group their life stories. This included prior social experience, family history, and family position. They were also obliged to reveal acts which, by the new moral code of the nearly new society, were deemed transgressions. The group's access to the target's social and political history provided a basis for inducing guilt in the individual for acts which, by the old society's standards, were proper or tolerable........?
So, were Raps positive, growth facilitating experiences or brainwashing??????????? Or did this fluctuate?
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On 2005-04-11 19:27:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Then of course at the end - after some girl is sitting there from a tear jerking two hour discussion of the kid that put his finger in her butt in seventh grade and her father and everyone else's ass is completely numb - they give you a workie for not having something to say about it."
You want to hear something really nasty? I actually heard a GUY tell almost the exact same story in a rap. Except instead of a finger,he shoved a carrot halfway up his ass, and held it there in front of an audience of his friends!
And yeah,after the kid talked, the staff went around the room asking everyone what they had to say about it.
When they asked me, I busted out laughing! I couldn't help it. Honestly, I felt sorry for the kid, but then I got this mental picture of this fat, dopey, motherfucker bent over with a carrot sticking out his ass, and I couldn't help it. I laughed my ass off!
Anyways, the rap facilitator: Patrick Stambusky, was outraged, as was the kid, and all the look goods in the room. In fact everyone spent the entire remaining 2 hours of the rap either bitching at me, or crying & snotting on the floor about me.
As soon as the rap was done, Pat put me on couch restriction and indefinates (work assignments & dishes). Personally, I would never call moments like these "good times", but I will say that they do make for some interesting stories, as I'm sure you all agree.
.[ This Message was edited by: SON OF SERBIA on 2005-04-12 07:12 ]
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if you want to understand this history - the "raps" (called "forums" at Cascade) were based on the Synanon Game. you can read about it here:
http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia. ... nanon.html (http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/nrms/NRMS_unedit/synanon.html)
cedu = charles e. dederich university. don't buy that see - do crap."
From the article:
"Encounter Groups:
Encounter Groups have less stigma than orthodox psychotherapy because they emphasize the idea of perfecting oneself rather than solving problems. Synanon therapeutic ideology focuses on behavior not the fundamental cognitive structure 23.
The Game
The Game was group psychotherapy for the whole community and served as a way to discuss organizational change 24. Members were grouped by a Synamaster, usually an older member tried to achieve a balance of female-male participants and a varying range of Synanon membership seniority. A basic game consisted of ten to fifteen members and a Synanist to facilitate the activity 25. The Synanist was someone who had shown the ablility to either control the symptoms of his addiction for a considerable time or seemed to be progressing at a faster rate than his peers 26.
The Game was an emotional and aggressive group meeting in which members attacked each other verbally. It was an open arena for voicing and airing problems with one another en route to finding a solution. Members were free and encouraged to be honest with their feelings and frustrations. The "attack" was seen as an expression of love 27. It presumably helped people to see themselves as others do and compelled them to examine their own thoughts and actions. The Synanist acted as moderator and tried to help the participants find themselves and would use such tactics as ridicule, cross-examination and hostile attack to further the session 28. It was estimated that the typical resident participated in three to four three-hour games per week 29.
Role-joining was a very important aspect of the Game and was used to progress the session. Role-joining was an agreement between two or more game members to combine their efforts to place an individual on the "hot seat." Once the plan was evident to the other members, they supported and aided in the scheme. Role-joining was essentially like joining a bandwagon and would result in all the session members joining forces against one of their own 30.
The Game is also the cornerstone around which the Synanon community was formed 31. It was key to Synanon government and created an in and out of game dichotomy. When "in the game," one was expected to criticize others and reveal any personal conflicts one might have with whoever was in the "hot seat." On the other hand, when "out of the game," one was supposed to portray a happy, pleasant, and helpful manner 32.
Members were also expected to follow the rules and standards established during Game sessions. Compliance to the norms expressed was rewared by material and social goods such as personal prestige or occupational mobility. Wealth and status symbols were regulated by the small group 33."
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Believe me, if it only happened to you once, you got off lucky! Yeah, I remember getting screamed at in raps, just about every one I was in! I hated cedu, and I knew the program was bullshit from day 1. I vocalized these sentiments often, and this made me an easy target for the look goods. I can honestly say that during my stay at Cedu-Rs, I had to have been the most requested student in raps. Every ass-licker at RS knew to come after me when they wanted to deflect the heat off of their own asses.
I'm proud to say that during my whole time at cedu I never attacked anyone in a rap, I only responded (quite harshly at times), and I never told the staff criminals anything of real substance about myself. I was not going to give those creeps anything they could later use against me, like I saw them do to so many other kids.
Raps were utterly pointles...nothing more than an excuse for jealous, bitter, adult-failures (cedu staff)to vent their frustration at unsuspecting teenagers. Think about it. Kids who opened up, had that information used against them, and they were riddiculed with it until they broke down and were reduced to a screaming, sobbing, mucus dripping mess. Kids who didn't talk in raps were likewise riddiculed, and were punished for it later. There was no choice involved. You either talked and accepted the verbal abuse, or you were still abused and then punished later for not talking.
There is nothing theraputic about raps. In order for therapy to truly work, 2 elements are required. The 1st element is voluntary participation, therapy will never work unless you want it too, and are willing to make the effort. And 2nd, there has to be a level of trust between the client and therapist. The client needs to feel safe to talk about their problems. Again this information needs to be surrendered voluntarily, it can't be coerced.
Cedu Raps meet neither criteria. Cedu raps were mandatory. Participation in raps was mandatory. The climate of raps was built on fear, not trust. People talked in raps because they were afraid of what would happen if they didn't, and many facilitators even warned the students of the consequences for not participating in advance!
Raps are sick, and I for one am overjoyed that Cedu won't be having any more of them!"
[/quote]
Sounds like you functioned for the group as a scapegoat and it sounds like you kept your core self & humanity intact. Good for you.
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Did anyone make up stories about themselves just to get by or for relief from boredom?
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I only remember that one rap I think because I blocked a lot of my time there out. Plus it was almost 20 years ago. I remember only a very small part of one propheet...where you walked around and everyone had to call each other the names we were called in school. I forget the rest of what happened.
Perhaps long-term memory loss isn't such a bad thing.
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On 2005-04-12 08:31:00, vortexwx wrote:
"I only remember that one rap I think because I blocked a lot of my time there out. Plus it was almost 20 years ago. I remember only a very small part of one propheet...where you walked around and everyone had to call each other the names we were called in school. I forget the rest of what happened.
Perhaps long-term memory loss isn't such a bad thing.
"
No disagreement here!
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Yeah...sometimes I wouldn't have a fucking thing to say in a rap but I was well aware that the facilitator would just love to slap some pots and pans on whoever didn't have shit to say. So speaking of anal penetrations...I decided to share the story of how a kid on my JV hockey team at normal high school got called up to varsity, and they hazed the shit out of him by bending him over, lubing up the shaft of a hockey stick with icey hot, and you know how the rest goes. I talked about it like it deeply affected me...in the end I ended up on indefinite pots and pans.
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I wonder how many parents would have been signing their kids up for this destructive travesty had Cedu been honest and truthful about the Synanon connections & methods in their slick brochures, web site, and video tapes?
On 2005-04-12 07:22:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
if you want to understand this history - the "raps" (called "forums" at Cascade) were based on the Synanon Game. you can read about it here:
http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia. ... nanon.html (http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/nrms/NRMS_unedit/synanon.html)
cedu = charles e. dederich university. don't buy that see - do crap."
From the article:
"Encounter Groups:
Encounter Groups have less stigma than orthodox psychotherapy because they emphasize the idea of perfecting oneself rather than solving problems. Synanon therapeutic ideology focuses on behavior not the fundamental cognitive structure 23.
The Game
The Game was group psychotherapy for the whole community and served as a way to discuss organizational change 24. Members were grouped by a Synamaster, usually an older member tried to achieve a balance of female-male participants and a varying range of Synanon membership seniority. A basic game consisted of ten to fifteen members and a Synanist to facilitate the activity 25. The Synanist was someone who had shown the ablility to either control the symptoms of his addiction for a considerable time or seemed to be progressing at a faster rate than his peers 26.
The Game was an emotional and aggressive group meeting in which members attacked each other verbally. It was an open arena for voicing and airing problems with one another en route to finding a solution. Members were free and encouraged to be honest with their feelings and frustrations. The "attack" was seen as an expression of love 27. It presumably helped people to see themselves as others do and compelled them to examine their own thoughts and actions. The Synanist acted as moderator and tried to help the participants find themselves and would use such tactics as ridicule, cross-examination and hostile attack to further the session 28. It was estimated that the typical resident participated in three to four three-hour games per week 29.
Role-joining was a very important aspect of the Game and was used to progress the session. Role-joining was an agreement between two or more game members to combine their efforts to place an individual on the "hot seat." Once the plan was evident to the other members, they supported and aided in the scheme. Role-joining was essentially like joining a bandwagon and would result in all the session members joining forces against one of their own 30.
The Game is also the cornerstone around which the Synanon community was formed 31. It was key to Synanon government and created an in and out of game dichotomy. When "in the game," one was expected to criticize others and reveal any personal conflicts one might have with whoever was in the "hot seat." On the other hand, when "out of the game," one was supposed to portray a happy, pleasant, and helpful manner 32.
Members were also expected to follow the rules and standards established during Game sessions. Compliance to the norms expressed was rewared by material and social goods such as personal prestige or occupational mobility. Wealth and status symbols were regulated by the small group 33."
"
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That is some seriously sick shit. Do you think that there really is a direct correlation between Charles E. Dederich University and the name CEDU? Seems like it...I want to use that Synanon website to make a real point to some people in my life that just can't comprehend what BCA was like, so it'd be nice to be able to make a direct connection (looks like it's there anyways).
I never did buy that see do bullshit anyways.
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. Carmen?s raps were deep. Even deeper than the average rap and as I walked out of my first rap with her, I was resolved that this was NOT the place for me. I had never been a junkie and I had never been to jail. I was fourteen and this place was insane! Carmen had almost every person in the circle crying at the same time. I don?t know how to explain it.
I do, but it?s hard to get across.
I can only explain it from the point of view of an older student even though I wasn?t one in this particular rap. Carmen had the power to tell your family head how you were doing. Therefore, she could have you on work assignments for weeks on end, or she could tell your family head that you did whatever it was that was expected of you. You might get to get off campus for a milkshake or a basketball game at the gym in Bonners Ferry. Of course leaving campus was almost an impossiblity for the first year, though. Let?s say the rap started and there was an indictment about someones bathroom habits, or they are not clean enough, this degrades into an embarrasing commentary on the persons acne. Carmen insists that there is more to it than sanitary measures and claims to know that this person is ?holding on to something?. She calls the girl dirty and a liar. Another student jumps on the Carmen?s bandwagon and takes another pot shot at the girl from Carmen?s half of the circle. Carmen springs out of her seat and switches to the other side to take the seat next to the sobbing girl who has already at this point told us all the slutty things she has done in her life and that?s why she has acne. Carmen lays a hand on her back and blasts back at the guy who tried to get a point at the girls expense. Carmen rails him. She really lets him have it telling him he?s so full of shit. A tremendous kissass and a waste of resources in the community. He?s terrified, he?s not sure what he?s going to do. Neither are we. Noting the lull, Carmen demands of the older students in the rap to get honest and tell this kid what they think of him. Three people, like synchronized machines stand up and switch sides of the room and begin to yell. When one stops to breathe, the other two take up the slack. The whole time, Carmen is multitasking. She?s like an executive with three phones in front of her, and each one is blinking and bleeping with high end client on the other end shelling out thousands to get a few minutes on the phone with the woman. She was comforting the girl who is sobbing about her confidence issues; she has just had everything she?s ever done exposed by people who hardly know her. At the same time, as facilitator, she?s encouraging a full- scale attack on a kid who seemingly allied himself with her just a few moments before.
It was confusing. The kid who was trying score a point is now in tears and Carmen is asking other parties if they feel like doing some work. The older students see a double opportunity in this: Firstly, they can skip any of the humiliation of being indicted in front of all the kids, but they have to put on a convincing show of being upset and empathizing with either the bawling boy or girl. If they play the cards just right, they too can have the comforting hand of Carmen laid upon them. They too can know that they have escaped ?having another asshole ripped? for that day.
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Holy Crap, Blown. That was a PERFECT depiction of the insidious, manipulative, mind fucking nature of raps. Can anyone call this therapy?!
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don't get me started... I'm afraid I have too much to say!
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Aw, g'won! Odds are it'll resonate w/ what we all saw and did. Hold forth.
Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity.
--Ambrose Bierce
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On 2005-05-26 08:23:00, shanlea wrote:
"Holy Crap, Blown. That was a PERFECT depiction of the insidious, manipulative, mind fucking nature of raps. Can anyone call this therapy?!"
Yeah, some can. But only those who see themselves as above reproach. They're wrong, of course.Faith is believing something you know ain't true.
--Samuel Clemens "Mark Twain", American author and humorist
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You should have tried a propheet with Allgood.
On 2005-05-26 05:37:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
". Carmen?s raps were deep. Even deeper than the average rap and as I walked out of my first rap with her, I was resolved that this was NOT the place for me. I had never been a junkie and I had never been to jail. I was fourteen and this place was insane! Carmen had almost every person in the circle crying at the same time. I don?t know how to explain it.
I do, but it?s hard to get across.
I can only explain it from the point of view of an older student even though I wasn?t one in this particular rap. Carmen had the power to tell your family head how you were doing. Therefore, she could have you on work assignments for weeks on end, or she could tell your family head that you did whatever it was that was expected of you. You might get to get off campus for a milkshake or a basketball game at the gym in Bonners Ferry. Of course leaving campus was almost an impossiblity for the first year, though. Let?s say the rap started and there was an indictment about someones bathroom habits, or they are not clean enough, this degrades into an embarrasing commentary on the persons acne. Carmen insists that there is more to it than sanitary measures and claims to know that this person is ?holding on to something?. She calls the girl dirty and a liar. Another student jumps on the Carmen?s bandwagon and takes another pot shot at the girl from Carmen?s half of the circle. Carmen springs out of her seat and switches to the other side to take the seat next to the sobbing girl who has already at this point told us all the slutty things she has done in her life and that?s why she has acne. Carmen lays a hand on her back and blasts back at the guy who tried to get a point at the girls expense. Carmen rails him. She really lets him have it telling him he?s so full of shit. A tremendous kissass and a waste of resources in the community. He?s terrified, he?s not sure what he?s going to do. Neither are we. Noting the lull, Carmen demands of the older students in the rap to get honest and tell this kid what they think of him. Three people, like synchronized machines stand up and switch sides of the room and begin to yell. When one stops to breathe, the other two take up the slack. The whole time, Carmen is multitasking. She?s like an executive with three phones in front of her, and each one is blinking and bleeping with high end client on the other end shelling out thousands to get a few minutes on the phone with the woman. She was comforting the girl who is sobbing about her confidence issues; she has just had everything she?s ever done exposed by people who hardly know her. At the same time, as facilitator, she?s encouraging a full- scale attack on a kid who seemingly allied himself with her just a few moments before.
It was confusing. The kid who was trying score a point is now in tears and Carmen is asking other parties if they feel like doing some work. The older students see a double opportunity in this: Firstly, they can skip any of the humiliation of being indicted in front of all the kids, but they have to put on a convincing show of being upset and empathizing with either the bawling boy or girl. If they play the cards just right, they too can have the comforting hand of Carmen laid upon them. They too can know that they have escaped ?having another asshole ripped? for that day."
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*chuckles*
Now this brings back memories.
I recall people trembling when getting called into her raps. I never had trouble with Carmen though you would never know that such a petite lady could yell SO loud!
I can't say that people screaming at me at the top of their lungs taught me any great wisdom. But I do recall moments of compassion when I was struggling with family.
On 2005-05-26 05:37:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
". Carmen?s raps were deep. Even deeper than the average rap and as I walked out of my first rap with her, I was resolved that this was NOT the place for me. I had never been a junkie and I had never been to jail. I was fourteen and this place was insane! Carmen had almost every person in the circle crying at the same time. I don?t know how to explain it.
I do, but it?s hard to get across.
I can only explain it from the point of view of an older student even though I wasn?t one in this particular rap. Carmen had the power to tell your family head how you were doing. Therefore, she could have you on work assignments for weeks on end, or she could tell your family head that you did whatever it was that was expected of you. You might get to get off campus for a milkshake or a basketball game at the gym in Bonners Ferry. Of course leaving campus was almost an impossiblity for the first year, though. Let?s say the rap started and there was an indictment about someones bathroom habits, or they are not clean enough, this degrades into an embarrasing commentary on the persons acne. Carmen insists that there is more to it than sanitary measures and claims to know that this person is ?holding on to something?. She calls the girl dirty and a liar. Another student jumps on the Carmen?s bandwagon and takes another pot shot at the girl from Carmen?s half of the circle. Carmen springs out of her seat and switches to the other side to take the seat next to the sobbing girl who has already at this point told us all the slutty things she has done in her life and that?s why she has acne. Carmen lays a hand on her back and blasts back at the guy who tried to get a point at the girls expense. Carmen rails him. She really lets him have it telling him he?s so full of shit. A tremendous kissass and a waste of resources in the community. He?s terrified, he?s not sure what he?s going to do. Neither are we. Noting the lull, Carmen demands of the older students in the rap to get honest and tell this kid what they think of him. Three people, like synchronized machines stand up and switch sides of the room and begin to yell. When one stops to breathe, the other two take up the slack. The whole time, Carmen is multitasking. She?s like an executive with three phones in front of her, and each one is blinking and bleeping with high end client on the other end shelling out thousands to get a few minutes on the phone with the woman. She was comforting the girl who is sobbing about her confidence issues; she has just had everything she?s ever done exposed by people who hardly know her. At the same time, as facilitator, she?s encouraging a full- scale attack on a kid who seemingly allied himself with her just a few moments before.
It was confusing. The kid who was trying score a point is now in tears and Carmen is asking other parties if they feel like doing some work. The older students see a double opportunity in this: Firstly, they can skip any of the humiliation of being indicted in front of all the kids, but they have to put on a convincing show of being upset and empathizing with either the bawling boy or girl. If they play the cards just right, they too can have the comforting hand of Carmen laid upon them. They too can know that they have escaped ?having another asshole ripped? for that day."
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REDACTED
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I remember getting upset in raps, even when I indicted myself, because I genuinely was upset. But not for any past issues, like they pushed you to believe. It was always because I felt I wasn't doing right in the school. It was an endless source of frustration for me. I wanted to be so perfect and do everything right, or close to it, because I wanted to fit in and gain approval. Sometimes I can't really remember who was harsher on me: the faculty and my peers, or myself. (I think I'll vote for the faculty.)
I have an obsessive problem with perfectionism, so going to a school like RMA was like putting gasoline on a bonfire. John Aaron told a friend of mine later that he thought I was probably the most tormented person he had ever known at the school.
I also used to get accused of having a "whipped puppy" expression on my face when I got screamed at in raps, as if I was being manipulative to gain sympathy. I was always thinking "hell yeah I have that expression on my face. You're screaming your ass off at me and I'm upset!" That was a favorite expression there, "whipped puppy." How dare you be upset when we're yelling at you. The best was when you started crying after being indicted and the staff would ask in a concerned tone "What's going on?" implying that some past issues are coming up. I wish I had had the wherewithal to have said "What's going on? You're screaming at me and it's making me cry! DUUUUH!"
The raps I dreaded the most were Caroline's, since we weren't exactly the best of friends.
On a lighter note, I used to do a flawless impersonation of Carmen for my friends. (Especially her saying "That's right!" and "You know, that's really sad.") It would crack them up. I also did a pretty convincing Bob. (I forgot his last name. Voyager staff, older guy, salt and pepper moustache, tan skin. Kind of weird.) I would always do his "What we're... what we're going to do here..."
_________________
"Learn from your mistakes so that one day you can repeat them precisely."
-Trevor Goodchild
[ This Message was edited by: sorry... try another castle on 2006-03-03 11:52 ]
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Bob Sulfies, the guy from voyagers.
"I knew a man, Bob Sulfies, and he'll rock your shit". It's a spoof of "I knew a man, BoJANGLES and he'll dance for you...."!In case you didn't make the connection.
I once heard someone singing that before a rap.
He was pretty mild though, he wouldn't "hurt a fly".
BTW- Im HERE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i remember the raps we used to have over at browns. we had this idiot of a human being running the rap. he gave us this sheet of paper and on it were what they called.THINKING ERRORS. i will quate a few. POOR ME.he loved that one. ALL OR NOTHING,FALSE THINKING AND OTHERS I CANT REMEMBER. i went along with it giving people advice like a good CULT MEMBER. thinking i will get out sooner. I DIDNT
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Raps served only one real purpose that worked. Yelling at people at the school who were annoying you so they wouldn't repeat it. But it was only little stuff, things you would have knocked the person senseless at any other school.
Carmen was so fake. She figured since she was Dan's wife, she therefore had some kind of great wisdom to impart on everyone in raps. Most of the staff were that way, as though they were checking a cheat-sheet constantly looking for the right thing to say.
Bob Silfies was generally a decent guy, though he played the "That's right! How does that feel? Ah huh!" game a lot too.
Caroline was just a bitch. She wouldn't indict me in raps because she was too easy to turn the conversation back on. She had an IQ of a prostitute... wait a minute... She was a prostitute... If you used a word large enough, her eyes would glaze over and her mouth would shut. She could yell, but generally I would just give her the Spock raised eyebrow, she would stop, and ask "What?" And then I would have her. But having the rep/title of an intellect, most of the uneducated students who were not getting any more education while there would back down, or not bother to speak to me in raps. I think I got indicted four times the entire time I was there.
Another game I would play was "Find the Indicter." Figure out who had requested you, and watch them. When they tried to maneuver in position to indict you during someone elses indictment, in preparation for blowing you away, you continuosly switch seats with people to place yourself next to them, since the rules were; no indicted someone next to you. Too intimidating. Which seemed a rule totally opposite of RMA's goals. To intimidate people into submission.
Tim Brace was usually my worst rap leader since he was armed with detailed information about my past. He loved to bring up that I was adopted, therefore abandoned, therefore worthless. Worked a couple of times too. But I got him back. I found my birth family a few years ago, found out I have 5 siblings, and they tried more than once to find me. They wanted me!!!! Not so worthless afterall, eh Timmy??!!!???
But I agree with most people who have said they liked to label people at every turn, with mostly inaccurate titles like slut. Everything was so canned and generic there, it was hard to take much of it seriously. And when people say they went to that school with few problems, but came out with plenty because RMA gave them the problems, I can relate to that. I had never seriously considered the fact I was adopted until it was put in my face several times. And intellectually, I was interested in finding them, but not with RMA's help. Being forced to think of my birth family in negative terms was not something I had ever wanted to do. I didn't know they well enough to judge them, and RMA sure as hell didn't know them any better. And that was the problem. The always came armed with erroneous information about students, all coming from parents who had no idea what was going on with their own children, that everyone was just taking shots in the dark trying to label and judge everyone without taking the time to get to know them.
I hated being indicted or watching others get indicted by look goods or older students who were forced to participate and yell at people in order to get privledges or keep them. Want to be in leadership? Indict 3 people per week. Want to ski at Sweitzer? Get three new students to tell you their story. These people didn't know you, didn't seem to want to know you, yet were forced to yell at you for whatever they could think of. Talk about needy people. Look goods just sucked.
Raps were also far too long. Three fricken hours in plastic chairs, cushioned ones if you were lucky, listening to people yell and scream about things I would prefer not have known about. And the graphic details... My God! I did not need to know how someone went about getting one of the sheep at the farm to hold still while they performed sex with it.
The worst was the all-female rap I somehow got put in. Twenty four women led by Caroline Wolfe, all discussing things no man was meant to know, and then being put on the spot as the only guy in the rap to tell them which guys masterbated to which girls. Including myself. Though I did get to see Caroline Wolfes breasts in that rap. For the second time. She loved to flash people. Problem was, I was having sex with someone there, on a regular basis, and was in love, so I had to keep my answers brief and strictly lies. I learned that deodorants and rubberbands had more uses than I was aware of. Personally, tight constricting rubber and chemicals don't generally find their way anywhere near my manhood. (Cringe!)
Well, that's my comment about raps.
--Bill,
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They assured me that in a few months we could talk about the possibility of coming home. My heart raced at this. A shred of light emanated from that sentiment. I took advantage by interjecting that that I was being monitored at that moment and I wasn?t supposed to complain. Something deep inside of me begged them to understand I wasn?t playing a game, I wasn?t lying or anything but really hearing what they had said confirmed two things simultaneously to me. One, that there were some reservations about their decision and secondly that they didn?t really believe I should be gone until I was eighteen! The older student took the phone at the moment and said to my parents that my time was almost up. He handed me back the phone. I started to cry, for the first time out of sadness, and pity, ?Please, Mommy, I?m so sorry for whatever I did, PLEASE, let me come home.? They hung up, but strangely, I felt better. The next few days were more tolerable? until I got indicted for the first time in a Rap.
<
...REDACTED
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Being indicted had left me feeling misunderstood and estranged. I began to dream about home and had peered at an atlas to get a better idea of where in the US I was. I marveled and stewed at my father?s act of betrayal. The stewing turned to planning the probable running away, splitting, as it was in the vernacular of our school. I ran drills, waking up once in the middle of the night and dressing and going to where the RMA road met Route 1. Once, I came back after sitting in the woods for an hour and crying. My stomach was growling and my heart pounding for fear of my absence being discovered. I was so trapped. I had to go back, but I knew that I had to plan for the eventuality that I would run away. I was thinking this and other things at the wood corral that week. Sawing away there, I wondered some about what the older students had been doing in the raps. I thought about some of the staff saying horrendous things to students in the raps. And I thought about some of the stranger goings on that I had already witnessed. I was uncomfortable with the amount of touching I witnessed. But guys who were newer like me weren?t allowed to touch the girls. It was just laughable when I could look at or talk to them. We were encouraged to be touchy with people of the same sex though?semi- enforced to touch other people had me thinking some weird things were in store for us there.
Much of this touching was done under the tradition and pretext of Smooshing. That is what it was called. Smoosh circles abounded and sometimes the staff who was overseeing the house that evening would be perturbed at you for not joining his colossal smoosh circle.
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I guess being on the hot seat in a rap did actually seem to have advantages since I was taken off of the two man saw to make room for the members of my peer group whom were just arriving. They wore the same confused and betrayed expression I had worn. I felt sorry for everyone but most of all myself. These kids were generally within a thousand miles of their homes. Now I was on ?Sledge and Wedge?. I arrived at the wood corral after my bitter coffee and my morning purge, to find that I was moving up. I was given a three foot sledgehammer and a set of wedges. These shims were made from solid iron and when pounded into a fissure or crack in the rounds I was given, they would split it open a little, it was here the second wedge was placed and hammered in to widen it further. Repeat until log is split. I had to wear these gay goggles, but I enjoyed the task more than any other down at the wood corral because I was left on my own to do as much as possible and I didn?t have to interact with the inane conversation makers of my group. There was nothing to talk about. We couldn?t talk about music, sex, or drugs, so frankly, I had nothing in common yet, I knew of.
Soon after my second week we had Paul Bunyan day. There was whistling contest. It was a rainy day and we spent all of it outside running obstacle courses, and watched the older students race to cut full rounds in half with axes. There were log rolling contests, log balancing at the pond, log flipping, and log art, log walking, log loving, and lots of carrying. There was sawing and sledging and tree felling contests, as well. Well, in all it was a good day and I relayed in my journal that ?it could have been better?. It didn?t go unnoticed by me when at the end of our ?fun? day every pellet container and woodbin on the entire campus is overloaded in preparation for fall and winter. The sacks of pellets ns were heavy, but my competitiveness outweighed my laziness.
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It had been almost a whole month! Idaho! Even though sometimes I still couldn?t believe it- the novelty was wearing off. I had not had any contact with my parents excepting a few short phone calls that had been routinely monitored by staff and older student/staff. I was disconnected from my parents every time! They always said if I run away the authorities could have me. They were not budging anymore. Complaints about the ?place? were not tolerated. It wasn?t against the agreements to rail against the skool, but it wasn?t tolerated publicly past the first 12 months or so. As a side note, even as an older student I used raps every encounter I could to complain about the place. For me it was worth the price of getting screamed at a lot for being negative. If everyone would just know how miserable I was about it; I thought it was worth something. When I uttered that I was being monitored and that I didn?t need to be there, whoever was monitoring my call would simply place their finger on the handset cradle and disconnect me. It was a time of resistance, and the place had weird rituals in dealing with the recalcitrant.
Getting indicted in raps always surprised me for the first year. When it began it was always a real shocker, because there was no logic that I could see behind the purpose. My journal entries clearly reinforce my feeling that the place was ?freaky? and cultish. The work details were nothing but excuses at having routine labor accomplished and excluding people who acted out of agreement. And in these raps I tried to defend myself calmly most of the time but occasionally I would let people get inside of me. Once you broke a seal, it took a lot of energy to retain. I knew my number was going to be up soon, and it scared me the way they could and would REALLY yell. I knew the only reason no one had done that to me yet was because I was still new. I started getting paranoid and worried before my truth propheet. It was scheduled for the following week. Our peer group was fully formed and just like at home, I was right in the middle, at least according to the period that I got there. There was only one younger kid in the whole place and he was in the group ahead of mine, Incidentally K C was on work details as often as I was. But he didn?t make it, who knows what ever happened to these kids who left the program. I was sure I was going to be one of them. We weren?t even really supposed to talk about people who left the program, usually in raps they would inform us that the worst had happened. They were in a lockup.
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I remember sitting in raps and feeling like my head was cocked to one side when someone indicted me and trying to get it to be perpendicular to my shoulders. I probably missed a lot that was being said to me. I feel the same way now when a see a highway patrolman turning around after I pass him. I just heard about Cascade closing and I've spent the last 2 days reading everything I can find about it. I didn't know people were having sex. Class of 86 - where people having sex when we were there? I didn't get any sex. Maybe I just don't remember. It's brought up a lot of old memories. I think I need a rap.
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On 2006-03-15 09:58:00, Anonymous wrote:
"I remember sitting in raps and feeling like my head was cocked to one side when someone indicted me and trying to get it to be perpendicular to my shoulders. I probably missed a lot that was being said to me. I feel the same way now when a see a highway patrolman turning around after I pass him. I just heard about Cascade closing and I've spent the last 2 days reading everything I can find about it. I didn't know people were having sex. Class of 86 - where people having sex when we were there? I didn't get any sex. Maybe I just don't remember. It's brought up a lot of old memories. I think I need a rap."
Wait, can you explain the rap and highway patrolman analogy? That went right over my head. Kinda like 80% of the shit staff yelled at me in raps went right over my head. Man, analogies are cool.
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When someone started to yell at me in a rap my body just revolted against me. I had a physical reaction - a horrible detached feeling. Yesterday I was driving down the highway and passed a cop on the other side of the road. After I passed him I looked in the rearview mirror and he was making a U-turn - coming my way. "Shit, a ticket" or "Shit, he just switched seats and pushed the Kleenex to me" - same feeling. Except I guess a ticket is better than a rap.
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Damn man, you're right on now that I think about it. Your heart drops into your stomach and you feel like your whole body is just cold and seizing up. And you're right, now that I think about it, the feeling was MUCH worse when someone would get up and move across from you in a rap than it is when you see the cop bang the U-turn.
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There were times where I literally had emptied my side of the room and people were fighting for chairs on the other side to yell at me about something. *laughs* Especially in peer group raps. Oh, how I dreaded those!
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On 2005-05-28 21:19:00, rmasurvivor wrote:
"don't get me started... I'm afraid I have too much to say!"
::bump::
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REDACTED
?What?s your name, XXXX Is that right?? I nodded and we locked eyes. This girl has sucked cock for cocaine?What?dya think about that??
?I heard that already?.
?Well, here in this school, you?ll learn that the work that XXXXXXXhere is doing is important, but I suppose a little druggie like you wouldn?t know that. You like cocaine, son??
I hadn?t realized that this was one of those rhetorical questions and I started to reject his claims and defend myself but before I had a chance, XXXX raised his voice a few notches and cut me off.
?Come on XXXXXXX, he?s right here in this room just tell him. I was with you in the "I Want To Live" and I know the work you did! You want to be a whore the rest of your life? He?s sitting right across from you!?
The girl lifted herself a little and locked a shaky finger in my direction, when her head raised up so I could see her face. She screamed for like ten or fifteen seconds and tears squirted off of her cheeks. ?YOU MADE ME SUCK YOUR COCK! I HATE YOU, DUMB COKEHEAD MOTHER FUCKERRRRRRRRR!?
I was terrified for the girl at first, and; as they reamed her for another twenty or thirty minutes, I began to think poorly of her too. I didn?t necessarily believe everything the four or six people were saying but if they insisted for an hour, it must have some merit.
REDACTED
Some part of me hated her for having to watch her be treated like that. There was ?something? she could do to make it stop. She had said as much, and even though I didn?t know what that ?something? was, I hated her for making me witness that series of ?indictments?.
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On 2006-04-23 07:37:00, blownawaytheidahoway wrote:
"When I got used to the idea that I was going to be there for a while, I decided that I would just have to do it. For a month I just watched and listened. There was one thing that I noticed that still sort of haunts me. It?s like this: When I saw someone get blown away in a rap, I felt much because I felt bad for the person. I learned early on that I couldn?t come to their defense, and because I couldn?t help them, I began to resent them because I could not help them. Every time I tried defending I was quickly censured, I couldn?t come to defend the boys in my peer group who were getting hassled or the peer group above mine that really started getting railed in some raps. I particularly remember one of the girls getting yelled at and it seemed quite cruel the things they were saying.
?Umm, listen?. I began. ?I know y?all will get mad at me for this but can we let her ?sit in her shit? and move on? I think she?s upset?. I never would have said anything?I mean I really had learned my lesson, and I NEVER would have tried something like this in Caroline?s raps, I didn?t know the facilitator at all. I had seen him with his sinister looking mustache and nice blue eyes, and he sounded even more bumbling than Richard Armstrong had my first day. XXXX?s voice had such a twang I was immediately alerted to a possible affectation.
?What?s your name, XXXX Is that right?? I nodded and we locked eyes. This girl has sucked cock for cocaine?What?dya think about that??
?I heard that already?.
?Well, here in this school, you?ll learn that the work that XXXXXXXhere is doing is important, but I suppose a little druggie like you wouldn?t know that. You like cocaine, son??
I hadn?t realized that this was one of those rhetorical questions and I started to reject his claims and defend myself but before I had a chance, XXXX raised his voice a few notches and cut me off.
?Come on XXXXXXX, he?s right here in this room just tell him. I was with you in the "I Want To Live" and I know the work you did! You want to be a whore the rest of your life? He?s sitting right across from you!?
The girl lifted herself a little and locked a shaky finger in my direction, when her head raised up so I could see her face. She screamed for like ten or fifteen seconds and tears squirted off of her cheeks. ?YOU MADE ME SUCK YOUR COCK! I HATE YOU, DUMB COKEHEAD MOTHER FUCKERRRRRRRRR!?
I was terrified for the girl at first, and; as they reamed her for another twenty or thirty minutes, I began to think poorly of her too. I didn?t necessarily believe everything the four or six people were saying but if they insisted for an hour, it must have some merit.
After a while the tone stopped bothering me but the words didn't. I never saw XXXXXXXX the way I saw her when we walked into that rap that day.
?and by the time this rap was over, I had NO respect or desire left for this girl. Some part of me hated her for having to watch her be treated like that. There was ?something? she could do to make it stop. She had said as much, and even though I didn?t know what that ?something? was, I hated her for making me witness that series of ?indictments?.
"
That post could have been written by me about what went on in the program I was in over 20 years ago. The song remains the same. ::noway::
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::bump::
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i remember the raps we used to have over at browns. we had this idiot of a human being running the rap. he gave us this sheet of paper and on it were what they called.THINKING ERRORS. i will quate a few. POOR ME.he loved that one. ALL OR NOTHING,FALSE THINKING AND OTHERS I CANT REMEMBER. i went along with it giving people advice like a good CULT MEMBER. thinking i will get out sooner. I DIDNT
omg *runs to room brings out some papers that list the "thinking errors". we did those in "positive attitude journals" i still have afew most of my stuff was trashed.
there are like over a hundred of them heres some:
*Excuses *Blaming *Seeking sympathy *justifying *redefining
*pet me *lying *uniqueness *making fools of *assuming
*fact stacking *fronting *minimizing *vagueness *anger
*secretiveness *keeping score or get backs *grandiosity or maximizing *victim stance *lets fight or splitting *confusion
*helpless *you're okay, im okay *my way or no way (all or nothing)
*hop overs *"i cant" attitude *mr. goodguy *its mine or ownership and entitlement *refusal to acknowledge fear *hot shot or cockiness *avoiding the hot iron *slacking *power play *lack of empathy *refusal to accept obligations and keep commitments *silent power
i hated that shit. they would tell us to fill out the paper it said "right now i am thinking......" and nomatter what we put it was a thinking error. and then we had to circle the thnking error and then fill out the rest of the paper "my alternative smart self talk is...." then "definition of primary thinking error....." and "the alternative to these thinking errors....." but the staff they had no thinking errors :roll:
that was one of the groups we had to do.
everyday we had a group in the morning talking about how we were feeling and we had to have new describing words. then we had to say our goal for the day. and for the week. and how we feel our "treatment is going" then they'd talk shit and point out afew things like how so and so needs to brush his teeth more. and "johnny is your diarrhea getting any better? did the medicine help?" morning group wasnt so bad. but then when it came to the raps shit in the day time ughghghghgh. AWFUL! and yes I had to make up stories too. and just talk to fill time so that i would be "furthering my treatment" and then everyone would suck up and give bullshit advice that was coming from their asses. And also try to "hold eachother accountable" snitching and lying.
I hated hearing the gross stories and the really messed up ones. I was 13. It didnt help me to hear about how this chick next to me was in a cult and gross things they did. and how homeboy raped his little neighbor who was like 3 or something. and then he got mad when people would say thats wrong. or how good it felt to do this drug or that one. and alot of the stories i wondered if they were real or not. but you HAD to tell stories and give feedback. and it HAD to be meaningful to give u points on your card too.
whats fucked up is they expect you to open up to these people and tell them things about you then you cant even talk to them or its secretive behavior. but if you dont talk then you are being unsocial. and we had to sit in our rooms during shift change for afew hours doing nothing. we couldnt sit on our bed or they would say someting stupid to us. if we sat on the floor then most of the time they would say something dumb about it. if we tried to say communicate to someone in a nearby room then that was secretive behavior. man too much stuff i remember.
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all i know is i'm still not right in the head raps and workshops to break your spirit and mind. and my trust fund payed for the whole thing.....ok so i'm stil pissed off about it maybe i should go run my shit
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it may actually make you feel better. but i think it's more likely that you'll just wind up more angry. they ripped off a lot of people, and they hurt some so much they're not sure what else they would be without it.
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just a bit of sarcasum :o ::ftard::
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does anyone else have anything to say before we move on?
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I'd like to share my beat sheet techniques with the rap.
And I'd like some staff to talk about their beastiality experiences.
That will have me moving at lifespeed and thus ready for dorm time / smorgasborg / and smooshing.
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i remember the raps we used to have over at browns. we had this idiot of a human being running the rap. he gave us this sheet of paper and on it were what they called.THINKING ERRORS. i will quate a few. POOR ME.he loved that one. ALL OR NOTHING,FALSE THINKING AND OTHERS I CANT REMEMBER. i went along with it giving people advice like a good CULT MEMBER. thinking i will get out sooner. I DIDNT
omg *runs to room brings out some papers that list the "thinking errors". we did those in "positive attitude journals" i still have afew most of my stuff was trashed.
there are like over a hundred of them heres some:
*Excuses *Blaming *Seeking sympathy *justifying *redefining
*pet me *lying *uniqueness *making fools of *assuming
*fact stacking *fronting *minimizing *vagueness *anger
*secretiveness *keeping score or get backs *grandiosity or maximizing *victim stance *lets fight or splitting *confusion
*helpless *you're okay, im okay *my way or no way (all or nothing)
*hop overs *"i cant" attitude *mr. goodguy *its mine or ownership and entitlement *refusal to acknowledge fear *hot shot or cockiness *avoiding the hot iron *slacking *power play *lack of empathy *refusal to accept obligations and keep commitments *silent power
i hated that shit. they would tell us to fill out the paper it said "right now i am thinking......" and nomatter what we put it was a thinking error. and then we had to circle the thnking error and then fill out the rest of the paper "my alternative smart self talk is...." then "definition of primary thinking error....." and "the alternative to these thinking errors....." but the staff they had no thinking errors :roll:
that was one of the groups we had to do.
everyday we had a group in the morning talking about how we were feeling and we had to have new describing words. then we had to say our goal for the day. and for the week. and how we feel our "treatment is going" then they'd talk shit and point out afew things like how so and so needs to brush his teeth more. and "johnny is your diarrhea getting any better? did the medicine help?" morning group wasnt so bad. but then when it came to the raps shit in the day time ughghghghgh. AWFUL! and yes I had to make up stories too. and just talk to fill time so that i would be "furthering my treatment" and then everyone would suck up and give bullshit advice that was coming from their asses. And also try to "hold eachother accountable" snitching and lying.
I hated hearing the gross stories and the really messed up ones. I was 13. It didnt help me to hear about how this chick next to me was in a cult and gross things they did. and how homeboy raped his little neighbor who was like 3 or something. and then he got mad when people would say thats wrong. or how good it felt to do this drug or that one. and alot of the stories i wondered if they were real or not. but you HAD to tell stories and give feedback. and it HAD to be meaningful to give u points on your card too.
whats fucked up is they expect you to open up to these people and tell them things about you then you cant even talk to them or its secretive behavior. but if you dont talk then you are being unsocial. and we had to sit in our rooms during shift change for afew hours doing nothing. we couldnt sit on our bed or they would say someting stupid to us. if we sat on the floor then most of the time they would say something dumb about it. if we tried to say communicate to someone in a nearby room then that was secretive behavior. man too much stuff i remember.
good post sarah, are you still viewing this forum?
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In my opinion, these places could not function without the "group sessions", raps, and encounters that make them "therapuk-it".
Get a law passed that outlines how shaming and group shaming works, demands certified state board certif.... you know what fuck it. FUCK it. someone sell me a gun, I just can't take it anymore. RAPS cannot still exist. If they do, it's a crime.
Where is a program vigilante when you need 'em? When I can, I will post more intelligently about raps. satanic raps.
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would anyone else be interested in writing a rap. the way one may have gone from beginint to end?
i think is a good idea. like tevle or thirteen fuckers yelling and cying the dum dum staff tying to keep the shit intense.
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yes
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I was a stupid, skinny, 14 year kid. I thought I knew everything when I really didn't know shit.... just like any other normal teenager!
amen to that....
i think the sad thing is that: i have a rap going on in my head all the time now, and all the voices are mine, and all the needs are mine, and all the dreams and hopes and desires and joys are mine, and all are being torn down by my own voice all the time.
thank god for you guys to help me through this. i am so glad this board exists.
i beleive in our ability to heal. i beleive that the power behind cedu remain the power of faith and trust, but they fed their minds with lies, or they were wrong, but
here's the thing i have been thinking about.
cults are culture. america is a cult, just like cedu, with a random manipulative hateful center, and many duped people dependant on the center for survival, all too wounded and stupid to even realize what is going on, self perpatuating.
but to vow never to do that, is to vow never to try to create any kind of community, because i think the reason cedu effected us all so much is because we trusted it. so i have to be careful not to vow never to trust again. because after something like that, it seems like maybe it would be a good idea! to never trust again, but i beleive in my ability to heal and trust.
fuck man. this is the most terrifying thing i have ever done. to not be in denial about this all the time. we really have to do something. all of us together, to tell people, to warn people. i really feel this way.
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you are right to.
welcome sister.
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thank you :)
i want to write a rap. i wrote a bit of my first one. it was hard. i want to though. communicaiton is hard. thats all i'm sayin. its just hard.
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REDACTED
Carolyn started that rap fucking with everybody, in particular a couple of boys who weren't allowed to talk to me. Sitting there staring at the fan, I was trying to avoid the world inside this circle, imagining that I was back in Virginia puffing on a joint behind my neighbors fence with a friend from home. Carolyn startled me.
"Hey, new guy!"
She had this uncanny ability to smile and raise her voice by 75 decibels at the same time. My periphery twinkled into focus. I was pinned to my black chair. I didn't know what was what now but my mind raced around inside itself until it landed me back in the chair. Something from the first rap with Tessa two days before settled in my brain. When a person had switched chairs with me to yell at a guy he dormed with, I noticed that the boxier black chairs were much more comfortable than the ones with rounded frames and feet. I felt a humble consolation in the realization at the beginning of this particular rap that I had scored a more comfortable seat. My ass was molded to it now and the July sun outside was sending a searing light into the center of the circle. The blood ran to my face, the eyes shift in unison to me. I kept my eyes on the fan. It was like being woken up abruptly, the feeling disjointed. I couldn't yet think of looking at her.
"You can't ask a girl in the woods to run away with you, Ok?" You're new so I'll just tell you there is no running away, no fucking the girls, GOT IT?
"Okay." I gulped.
I was still an obvious foreigner. The customs were upside down. I couldn't think of anyone I knew at home that would let someone talk that way to them.
--just some of the teaser. Enjoy.
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http://wwf.fornits.com/viewtopic.php?t=6980&highlight= (http://wwf.fornits.com/viewtopic.php?t=6980&highlight=)
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Carolyn thankfully moved on with a warning me that she was close to putting me on "bans" already. Yes Ma'am, I had said. "bans" were explained to me after that rap by Charles. When you were on bans with someone you were not allowed to talk to them. You could not communicate with them in any way at all. No brushing by that person- go to the other side of the room or hallway if you see someone you are on bans with approaching. There was to be no sitting down in the same vicinity, including meal times.
My first rap had been in Walden West two days before. Tessa Wateratt was the "facilitator". I can't remember who was supporting facilitator in that rap because the whole thing was so apocalyptic, anything besides it's own happening would be unmemorable by comparison. I didn't know what I was in store for as I was escorted from the house by Ken, who steered me down a path with a rock border, and past a few other buildings. We came to Walden and were directed into the room. This room has so much significance for me that just crossing its threshold in my imagination causes unspeakable feelings. All of my propheets and workshops were in Walden and it is fitting that my first step into behavior modification happened in that room.
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My first rap had been in Walden West two days before. Tessa Wateratt was the "facilitator". I can't remember who was supporting facilitator in that rap because the whole thing was so apocalyptic, anything besides it's own happening would be unmemorable by comparison. I didn't know what I was in store for as I was escorted from the house by Ken, who steered me down a path with a rock border, and past a few other buildings. We came to Walden and were directed into the room. This room has so much significance for me that just crossing its threshold in my imagination causes unspeakable feelings. All of my propheets and workshops were in Walden and it is fitting that my first step into behavior modification happened in that room.
There was a circle of black chairs interrupted by one upholstered blue one with arm rests. Nobody went near that one. I sat down and listened to my heart throb in my ears. I didn't know what to be nervous about, but after numerous kids asked me during lunch if this was my first rap and then their replies of "holy shit, who's running it?" or "Ha Ha, won't that be nice!" I started to become a little nervous on the walk over with Ken. There were many other people moving to their assigned rooms and it was quiet, a definite sense of foreboding pervaded. I didn't know how to identify it yet- something that I got a strong whiff of as we sat down in our black chairs that afternoon in Walden West: fear.
Tessa sat down in the upholstered chair next to Ken, two down from me. The room went completely silent. She said to the group that this was my first rap and would someone please inform me of the agreements. A boy with terrible acne (not as bad as the acne I was soon to get) quickly chimed the first "agreement":
"What is said in a rap stays in a rap."
Ok. I don't think I'm getting this. What's a rap? Tessa thankfully translated:
"XXXX, a lot of people are going to be sharing things about themselves that are very private. When one says something in a rap we discuss it in raps but to keep the environment "healthy" we don't need to bring it up in conversation outside of the raps up in the house or down at the wood corral. Raps are safe and one of the most important ways we ensure this safety, is with that agreement."
Her translation helped some, but the overall feeling inside the room was that it had been flooded with childhood nightmares made real. I looked around the room at a girl I thought pretty, she shared the next agreement.
"Don't say anything people can't change." A very timid voice.
At Tessa's request the girl continued to explain that commenting on physical appearances was ok- like if someone seemed sloppy, comments about that would be acceptable, whereas comments about the size of ones nose or comments about race were discouraged. I was asked if I understood this, and still being as diplomatic as my second day status allowed me, I commented that I understood the need for this "specification" in it's entirety and thought that the agreement made good sense. I received a quixotic glance from several for this. I stored the faces for good measure because I didn't know what this place was all about yet.
There was a little pause as the next regulation was supposed to be inserted into the conversation, instead the person next to me on my left stood quietly up and switched chairs with a person on the opposite side of the circle. The person who was now sitting to my left was getting settled and the person who had moved across the circle spoke to me.
"We get up and move when we want to indict somebody, that way we won't be spitting in their faces."
I had already noticed this kid. He had a little leather holster on his hip for his cigarettes and a lighter. His shirt was tucked in so deeply that it pulled his shoulders forward. He was about as thin as a cane and crooked over a bit like he might need one. Roan looked like a warped board, or driftwood, I was thinking.
Tessa made me knowledgeable about the significance of this posturing and business of switching chairs by "pretending" to scream at Ken. I jumped about three feet out of my seat. It was totally unexpected, she yelled FUCK YOU at the top of her lungs about four feet from my cochlea. I hated getting yelled at at home. There had been so many screaming matches with my mother and father. I rarely placed better than third in these verbal vocal struggles, and the displays of disappointment and anger always reduced me to either tears, fight, or flight. I suddenly felt like that again. The points had been taken: move across the room, tuck in your shirt, don't talk about The Doors, don't hit or punch, or carve on yourself, chew gum, call the agreements rules, run away, talk back, or complain. I was starting to understand real good…this was a joke? An elaborate act…ok, I'll bite, what's in the next act.
Tessa fidgeted with a piece of paper in her hand purposefully. Wildly, she then fidgeted with her watch and shoelaces. I sensed her actual excitement as she quickly went through the next two agreements.
"No rap toys"
Ken explained the recent display by Tessa. There were to be no distractions from the work we would be doing, and that there were to be five feet on the floor at all times. An opposite of Carolyn Volch, who could be seen coming at you from 200 meters, and easily identified by blonde hair and the direct, sheer, predatory manner of her stride, Tessa Wateratt walked with a bounce and reminded me of a brunette mop, one that had a slinky for a handle. Demonstrations were made of what it meant to have five "feet" on the floor. Tessa tried to push her chair back on two legs but she just didn't have enough bulk. Essentially, there was to be no tipping of the chair and you were not supposed to curl up into it either. I learned over time that this agreement could be invoked at any time but was largely ignored. It was another good indicator of how a staff felt about you if you got "pulled up" for hiding in your chair. By the same standard, it would be pretty "needsy" if an older student pulled you up for it. Those black chairs endured so much through their years I wonder if telling the story from their point of view could be any easier.
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I had already noticed this kid. He had a little leather holster on his hip for his cigarettes and a lighter. His shirt was tucked in so deeply that it pulled his shoulders forward. He was about as thin as a cane and crooked over a bit like he might need one. Roan looked like a warped board, or driftwood, I was thinking.
Okay, I am dying to know who this is. PM me. I so totally don't remember anyone with a leather cig holster.
Stacy and I have the same walk. heh. Not by choice. I've always walked like this. Although when I went up to a meaty 200 it evolved into a lope instead of a bounce, but now that I am back at 150, the bounce is back.