Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => The Troubled Teen Industry => Topic started by: Che Gookin on August 31, 2007, 12:54:42 PM
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Just last night I violated my family contract by coming in drunk at 3 in the morning. I feel that the contract is null and void as subsection 3 paragraph 5 line 7 clearly states:
"The parents will provide enough pickles to satisfy their child's post piss up munchies cravings."
What should I do?
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You should have paid more attention to Subsection 4, Paragraph 7, Line 1, which states clearly that I get first dibs on any girls you bring into my home.
You been holding out on me, son?
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That wasn't a girl you old fucker, it was a lady boy.
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Burn the contract.
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Hey we got a family contract!!
Mind you it's one with a difference, I had to sign to say I was going to try to stop doing what gets up my kids' noses as well, fair's fair, we are all involved in making this family run, not just the kids
I've also made sure it's very basic, I don't want to set them up to fail, so just stuff like, not swearing at me, to come in at a certain time, come in to eat on Mon, Wed & Fri's as a family, go to school every day and stay there and not to bring the police to the door - there is a reward for every day they can stick to this (££££'s)
It's worked really well, they love putting the ticks on their charts, they love counting the money up at the end of the week and I havent had the police round for, erm, ages, can't remember when the last time was, when I was last posting here frequently i think! About January time?
Exhausted
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Hey we got a family contract!!
Mind you it's one with a difference, I had to sign to say I was going to try to stop doing what gets up my kids' noses as well, fair's fair, we are all involved in making this family run, not just the kids
I've also made sure it's very basic, I don't want to set them up to fail, so just stuff like, not swearing at me, to come in at a certain time, come in to eat on Mon, Wed & Fri's as a family, go to school every day and stay there and not to bring the police to the door - there is a reward for every day they can stick to this (££££'s)
It's worked really well, they love putting the ticks on their charts, they love counting the money up at the end of the week and I havent had the police round for, erm, ages, can't remember when the last time was, when I was last posting here frequently i think! About January time?
Exhausted
::both:: Don't 'cha LOVE IT when a plan comes together?
Keep working...it's worth it ::kiss::
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Hey we got a family contract!!
Mind you it's one with a difference, I had to sign to say I was going to try to stop doing what gets up my kids' noses as well, fair's fair, we are all involved in making this family run, not just the kids
I've also made sure it's very basic, I don't want to set them up to fail, so just stuff like, not swearing at me, to come in at a certain time, come in to eat on Mon, Wed & Fri's as a family, go to school every day and stay there and not to bring the police to the door - there is a reward for every day they can stick to this (££££'s)
It's worked really well, they love putting the ticks on their charts, they love counting the money up at the end of the week and I havent had the police round for, erm, ages, can't remember when the last time was, when I was last posting here frequently i think! About January time?
Exhausted
::both:: Don't 'cha LOVE IT when a plan comes together?
Keep working...it's worth it ::kiss::
Thank you, yep it's been really succesful, not for me but for my boys, they're loving it and that makes me happy.
I can't believe I sent the same two kids out to town today with £200 cash to do their school uniform shopping (I wanted to take them but they think I'm too uncool to be seen shopping with :-? ) this time last year, God knows what they would have done wioth it, but school uniform woudn't have come back woth them that's for sure.
maybe it won't this time, we'll have to wait & see, but it's great that I am able to give them the chance to prove themselves to be trustworthy with the money and do the right thing - in no way would I have trusted them a year ago, absolutely not! the way i'm seeing it, is they mess up then fine, i don't have to go to school in last years ill fitting uniform and it's not me who's broken the trust, they have to live with that, if they do come back and have done what they should have, they will reap the benefit, next time they need something, they'll be trusted with the money to go do it alone again .. this one is up to them and I think they know it
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I'm negotiating a new contract this is what was just offered.. comments please:
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How to Write a Home Rules Contract
What is a Home Rules Contract?
What is the Purpose of a Home Rules Contract?
Who is Included in a Home Rules Contract?
Who Should Write the Home Rules Contract?
What are Appropriate Consequences?
Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract
Examples of Items that might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
Sample Contract
Print a Blank Home Rules Contract
for you to fill out
Order FREE Literature
on Parenting Difficult Teens
What is a Home Rules Contract?
A Home Rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their teens (and preteens). The contract includes basic rules, consequences and privileges.
Back to Top of Page
What is the Purpose of a Home Rules Contract?
The primary purpose of a Home Rules Contract is for teens to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing parents to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A Home Rules Contract will teach teens that there are consequences to breaking rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the teen's mind to school rules as well as the legal system.
A Home Rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and teens. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's rules.
Back to Top of Page
Who is Included in a Home Rules Contract?
We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the teen has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the Home Rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, noncustodial persons who are responsible for the teens for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the child, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the child's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine parents who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front. Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the Home Rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, parents must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward teen!!
Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the teen should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the teen may not enforce the rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.
ALL TEENAGERS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the Home Rules Contract. In order to be effective, all children need to see the Home Rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the child with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending child will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that children of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.
Back to Top of Page
Who Should Write the Home Rules Contract?
A copy of the blank Home Rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told "Do it or else." Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules. Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.
Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening noncooperation!
Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.
Back to Top of Page
What are Appropriate Consequences?
Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.
Back to Top of Page
Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract
Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).
Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior.
Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.
Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).
Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules.
These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.
Example (for the expected behavior listed above):
Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies
(car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
Privilege: Teen will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.
Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated.
Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.
VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that
ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN.
If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.
Back to Top of Page
Examples of Items that Might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to include
in a Home Rules Contract includes:
Curfew
Chores
School behavior and grades
Smoking
Telephone use
Computer use
Use of the car
Alcohol/drug use
Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
Running away
Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
Attendance at therapy sessions
NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.
Back to Top of Page
SAMPLE CONTRACT
Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)
Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment).
Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.
Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.
Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).
Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents.
(It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).
Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.
Back to Top of Page
Print a Blank Home Rules Contract to Get You Started
In summary, a Home Rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.
A Blank Home Rules contract for you to get started is provided by clicking on the below link. This blank contract can be printed on your printer by clicking on the printer icon in your browser.
View and Print a Blank Home Rules Contract
For further information
on dealing with a difficult teen,
the FREE pamphlet
"Difficult Teens -
Suggestions for Parents"
(©Teen Help 2000)
is an excellent resource.
To order this free pamphlet,
click the link below
and fill out the form.
A pamphlet will be mailed to you
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Wow, if my dad tried that he'd have had a closed casket funeral as soon as they could find his pieces.
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Your daddy luvs you!
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I guess this brings the question to my mind is where in these contracts are the obligations, limitations, and consquences for the behaviors and transgressions of the parents?
Who enforces this bullshit anyway?
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Mock on o-wandering-one...
Think!!
What would have gotten through to you? All some kids need is family support and a chance to learn: SAFELY. ::kiss::
No enforcement required ::seg::
...and good afternoon, BTW
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No-one enforcing it in our house, its there, it's up to all of us if we fuck up, if we do, then we pay the consequence, for the kids it's a loss of that days money, for me, its not being able to ask the kids to stick to a contractthat i can't stick to - simple as that, we enforce it ourselves for ourselves
Update
Both boys came home with exactly what they were meant to buy, they must have bothered to ry it a on as it all fits (that never happens) and I got a receipt for each item and all my change, which tallied up
They could so easily have fucked that up for themselves but they didn't
This is a very good day
Exhausted
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No-one enforcing it in our house, its there, it's up to all of us if we fuck up, if we do, then we pay the consequence, for the kids it's a loss of that days money, for me, its not being able to ask the kids to stick to a contractthat i can't stick to - simple as that, we enforce it ourselves for ourselves
Update
Both boys came home with exactly what they were meant to buy, they must have bothered to ry it a on as it all fits (that never happens) and I got a receipt for each item and all my change, which tallied up
They could so easily have fucked that up for themselves but they didn't
This is a very good day
Exhausted
Make sure they know NOW: that's all there is. No medals, no parades; no one (except you :wink: ) will praise them for doing what they are supposed to. That satisfaction of keeping their word is it. But when that's all you do, it's kewel. Lot's of power in that.
3xsaSeedling
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Burn the contract.
_________________
Straight, St. Pete, early 80s
AA is a cult http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-cult.html (http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-cult.html)
The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents-- because they have a tame child-creature in their house. ~~ Frank Zappa
Why can't a contract w/her kids work for this woman? Different solutions for different problems, right? Don't you make 'contracts' every day by giving your word in agreement to people? ::huh::
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If it's actually working for Exhausted and her kids, then posts trying to talk her out of it somehow are bullshit to be ignored.
What she has and what WWASP-like contracts consist of are as different as a land deal and this (http://http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0711072slave1.html).
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I agree on the give them praise, I wasn't quite sure how to go about it without embarassing the hell out of them, teens somehow feel really humiliated by being praised up lol
So what i did was go through the stuff they brought with them, and said the usual stuff like, 'thats really nice, cor that was a bargain, where did you get that from?' it was more down to taking an interest in what they'd actually used their money for than giving this big show about it
They then asked if they could go out (ASKED? WTF??) I said yep, course and told them I was really proud of them for not only being trustworthy, but also for their financial skills - I then gave them the change, which they gave back to me because I said I neded to go do some shopping myself and they decided I needed it more than them *THUD*
Today, tomorrow, next week or next month they'll do something to make me want to strangle them, but that's then, this is now, I am very proud they've managed to get this far, maybe they are finally growing up!
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The story you tell and what your children are telling me are two completely different set of events. I suggest you get honest at this point, or stop the bullshit. Some of us know more than we let on.
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It works wonders for children who are verbally manipulative and try to change things around. It is all in writing in the contract
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How to Write a Home Rules Contract
What is a Home Rules Contract?
What is the Purpose of a Home Rules Contract?
Who is Included in a Home Rules Contract?
Who Should Write the Home Rules Contract?
What are Appropriate Consequences?
Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract
Examples of Items that might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
Sample Contract
Print a Blank Home Rules Contract
for you to fill out
Order FREE Literature
on Parenting Difficult Teens
What is a Home Rules Contract?
A Home Rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their teens (and preteens). The contract includes basic rules, consequences and privileges.
Back to Top of Page
What is the Purpose of a Home Rules Contract?
The primary purpose of a Home Rules Contract is for teens to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing parents to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A Home Rules Contract will teach teens that there are consequences to breaking rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the teen's mind to school rules as well as the legal system.
A Home Rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and teens. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's rules.
Back to Top of Page
Who is Included in a Home Rules Contract?
We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the teen has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the Home Rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, noncustodial persons who are responsible for the teens for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the child, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the child's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine parents who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front. Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the Home Rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, parents must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward teen!!
Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the teen should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the teen may not enforce the rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.
ALL TEENAGERS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the Home Rules Contract. In order to be effective, all children need to see the Home Rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the child with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending child will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that children of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.
Back to Top of Page
Who Should Write the Home Rules Contract?
A copy of the blank Home Rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told "Do it or else." Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules. Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.
Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening noncooperation!
Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.
Back to Top of Page
What are Appropriate Consequences?
Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.
Back to Top of Page
Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract
Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).
Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior.
Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.
Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).
Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules.
These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.
Example (for the expected behavior listed above):
Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies
(car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
Privilege: Teen will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.
Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated.
Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.
VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that
ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN.
If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.
Back to Top of Page
Examples of Items that Might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to include
in a Home Rules Contract includes:
Curfew
Chores
School behavior and grades
Smoking
Telephone use
Computer use
Use of the car
Alcohol/drug use
Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
Running away
Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
Attendance at therapy sessions
NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.
Back to Top of Page
SAMPLE CONTRACT
Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)
Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment).
Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.
Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.
Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).
Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents.
(It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).
Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.
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Print a Blank Home Rules Contract to Get You Started
In summary, a Home Rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.
A Blank Home Rules contract for you to get started is provided by clicking on the below link. This blank contract can be printed on your printer by clicking on the printer icon in your browser.
View and Print a Blank Home Rules Contract
For further information
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"Difficult Teens -
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It works wonders for children who are verbally manipulative and try to change things around. It is all in writing in the contract any violations the consequences should directly relate. For example if they are on the phone pasted the time they are allowed to use it on a school night no use of the phone the next day.
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Why can't a contract w/her kids work for this woman? Different solutions for different problems, right? Don't you make 'contracts' every day by giving your word in agreement to people? ::huh::
Yes, but I don't spell each and every detail out and I don't do in writing (except where obviously necessary). Most of the time a conversation and agreement between two people works, IF there is MUTUAL respect. It's been my experience that very often the parents believe they are respecting the kids, but they're not. Not really.
The parents of the girl who is "disrespectful" and "has a 100% chance of becoming an alcoholic" are not respecting their child. They're not respecting that she is growing up to have different opinions and values than they want her to have and it's causing them great concern and frustration. That frustration has already led them to send her to Catherine Freer and they're searching for another program now (maybe they've changed their minds, I don't know but they came here in search of one).
Kids do not need contracts IMO. One of the biggest complaints I had about my father while I was growing up was that he dealt with me in a very business like way. It sucked. Kids don't need someone to 'control' them, they need someone to guide them. They need parents who are willing to let them have a mind of their own. Parents who, while setting limits and doling out consequences, make sure that communication remains open ensure natural involvement in their kids' lives, not forced intrusion.
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When your kid breaks the contract, can you take them to court and sue them for damages?
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:rofl:
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I can see where you're coming from with this Anne, but remember one of my sons has severe learning and behavioural disorders, he in particular needs to see where he's done good, on paper, the ticks make his day - it gives him a sense of achievement to place that tick there.....he forgets when he did good as easily as he forgets when he did bad
Another strange thing happened today - I got an 0800 reverse call from the youngest son asking me to pick him up from the train station as he'd not calculated his money.....he has never done that, he'd always jump the train just for the thrill of seeing if he could get away with it, he just doesn't do responsible... I'm a bit gobsmacked by all of this, it's scaring me :o
The story you tell and what your children are telling me are two completely different set of events. I suggest you get honest at this point, or stop the bullshit. Some of us know more than we let on.
Please shut up - my kids are no angels and drive me to distraction, but I will give them credit where it's due, you don't know them so give it a rest :roll:
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Parents who, while setting limits and doling out consequences, make sure that communication remains open ensure natural involvement in their kids' lives, not forced intrusion.
Yup.....
It seems like Exhausted's contract is more like something too see where everyone is at, not as a tool to control her kids. If your family needs something visual, cool. If that helps a family talk about things in an open and respectful way great.
I get sick of those parents that use contracts as a weapon, like our anonOmom AAer with the disrespectful *gasp daughter.
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I'm not mocking exhausted's arrangement with her children. For whatever reason, according to her, it appears to work. If that keeps her child out of a programme and home where he is safe and doing just fine without the mental torment then I believe this situation is a good one.
Perhaps the flexibility and willingness of Exhausted to conceed that if she breaks her end of the agreement her boys shouldn't be expected to live up to their end of the agreement is the crucial difference that seperates her from the unruly mob.
What Exhausted demonstrates to her sons is the willingness to grow, change, and improve herself right along with them.
Now what I do object to is the wwasp style contract that puts the burden completely on the kid and absolves the parents from any responsibilities for their shitty parenting.
This I find most disturbing. The number of kids that have been paraded past me over the years with the label of troubled 90 percent of the time are directly the results of crappy parenting.
So again how do these contracts bind the parents into certain responsibilities?
(btw.. of course it will never happen as it means the TBS will have to say, "Yo... you suck as a parent and that is your kid's problem. )
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Parenting is not control.
Stop trying to dominate your children - thats why they're rebelling.
Do YOU want to be controlled by someone else?
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.
What Exhausted demonstrates to her sons is the willingness to grow, change, and improve herself right along with them.
i persoanlly don't think it would work in any other way for MY kids - what use is a family contract that only involves the kids conforming? the kids aren't the family, we all are, if I don't stick to it and do some listening, paying attention, stop being a whinebag, then how can i possibly ask them to stick to their side of it?
To me it's not about controlling them, or them controlling me, it's about compromise that we can all see on paper, it's easier to stick to when it's there written down ... I've wanted to burn it many times when those crosses build up, thinking it isn't working, but that one tick is what keeps us going, that's what makes it worth it and believe me, the ticks are overshadowing the crosses by a long way.....it's taken 10 weeks to get the chart lookng like that, but 10 weeks well worth spending sticking it out.
As for those program contracts, wtf?? The kids are in a lose lose situation all the way, ugh, and to think i used to think that way... poor kids :(
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:tup: :tup: :tup:
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Kids do not need contracts IMO. One of the biggest complaints I had about my father while I was growing up was that he dealt with me in a very business like way. It sucked. Kids don't need someone to 'control' them, they need someone to guide them. They need parents who are willing to let them have a mind of their own. Parents who, while setting limits and doling out consequences, make sure that communication remains open ensure natural involvement in their kids' lives, not forced intrusion.
I think that there is something in this idea. With all this talk of Contracts etc it does seem to make family sound like some kind of management consultancy company. it reminds me of all the self help books that make running a family sound like a company mission statement.
But I can see on the other hand the use of a contract. Particularly if the kid is a real handful. The problem is that these programs bastardise them to create something creepy and ruthless. if the family sits down together and the "consequences" for rule breaking are mutually agreed upon and reasonably proportional I would think it could be an avenue worth trying.
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I'm hot
And when I'm not
I'm cold as ice
Get out of my way
Just step aside
Or pay the price
What I want I take
What I don't I break
And I don't want you
With a flick of my knife
I can change your life
There's nothing you can do
I'm a problem child
I'm a problem child, yes I am
I'm a problem child
And I'm wild
Make my stand
No man's land
On my own
Man in blue
It's up to you
The seed is sown
What I want I stash
What I don't I smash
And you're on my list
Dead or alive got a .45
And I never miss
I'm a problem child, ey
I'm a problem child, yow
I'm a problem child
Just runnin' wild, ha ha
Just watch your step
Every night
Street light
I drink my booze
Some run
Some fight
But I win, they lose
What I need I like
What I don't I fight
And I don't like you
So say bye-bye
While you're still alive
Your time is through!
'Cause I'm a problem child, yow
I'm a problem child
I'm a problem child
I'm a problem chi-ih-ih-ild
Problem child
I'm a problem child
And my mother hates me
I'm a problem child, oh yeah
I'm a problem child, hey yeah...
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Kids do not need contracts IMO. One of the biggest complaints I had about my father while I was growing up was that he dealt with me in a very business like way. It sucked. Kids don't need someone to 'control' them, they need someone to guide them. They need parents who are willing to let them have a mind of their own. Parents who, while setting limits and doling out consequences, make sure that communication remains open ensure natural involvement in their kids' lives, not forced intrusion.
I think that there is something in this idea. With all this talk of Contracts etc it does seem to make family sound like some kind of management consultancy company. it reminds me of all the self help books that make running a family sound like a company mission statement.
But I can see on the other hand the use of a contract. Particularly if the kid is a real handful. The problem is that these programs bastardise them to create something creepy and ruthless. if the family sits down together and the "consequences" for rule breaking are mutually agreed upon and reasonably proportional I would think it could be an avenue worth trying.
So what consquences are in place for parental rule breaking? I'm more opposed to most contracts even if they are done for a good reason. Sitting down and working out a mutually agreeable system of living with each other makes good sense, but by no means is that binding, and certainly shouldn't be treated as if its a business merger.
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and certainly shouldn't be treated as if its a business merger.
Absolutely. it should not be a business merger. This is why i can agree to an extent with Anne Bonnie's concerns. To my mind though it can also be a way to calm a kid who is rebelling because there is some ownership if they have a place at the table so to speak.
it seems reasonable to sit down with a kid and say for example negotiate a cerfew. If they are late then the next time they go out they have to be home earlier say 1/2 an hr late means 1/2 an hour earlier nxt time.
I did not grow up in a world with family contracts as such but i do remember that when I began driving it was clear that if i drank and got behind the wheel the car would be sold. On my parents end it was agreed that I could call regardless of the time for a lift, that I had access to their cab charge card or i could stay at my sister's house. They would also render the same level of assistance to any friend or aquintance. But drink driving was the only deal breaker. i guess you could call it a contract but never once did i drink or take any substance and get behind the wheel. So if the rules are few and the deal breakers clear and rare i can see the merit in a contract
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You have got to be kidding parents make the rules not the teens. That is why we have so many fucked up teens from parents not enforcing rules and boundaries from the time they were young
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You have got to be kidding parents make the rules not the teens. That is why we have so many fucked up teens from parents not enforcing rules and boundaries from the time they were young
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You have got to be kidding parents make the rules not the teens. That is why we have so many fucked up teens from parents not enforcing rules and boundaries from the time they were young
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You have got to be kidding parents make the rules not the teens. That is why we have so many fucked up teens from parents not enforcing rules and boundaries from the time they were young
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Kids don't deserve no goddamn rights, cuz they ain't no better than a bunch of fuckin NIGGERS! If mine ever try to "assert their rights" I'm gonna drag 'em out to the woodshed and tear up their uppity little asses!
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abusing a child is never okay and they do deserve rights. I don't agree that they get an equal say in making the rules. Input yes but not equal say
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They do in my house Guest, all the decisions are made by us together, usually at dinner ... if they don't like my way or I don't like theirs, we agree to a compromise, there's always one there, it just takes a little effort in finding one
If I made al the decisions, they'd never learn decision making, they'd never learn that their opinion is importnat, and mostly, they live here too, so why shouldnt they have a say in what goes on?
When it comes to tough decision stuff that i really want to take control of...erm, an example, crap, let me think....ok let's go really extreme, one says 'I want to take drugs at my leisure in the house' thats tough to compromise with, cos it's absolutely NO! So rather than say no, I'd probably say something along the lines of..'well I promise not to do drugs in the house if you don't' :lol:
Sometimes they give me the strangest looks, but it works at the end of the day so who cares?
Exhausted, too lazy to log in
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You have got to be kidding parents make the rules not the teens. That is why we have so many fucked up teens from parents not enforcing rules and boundaries from the time they were young
Although I agree with this view, I must defend my right to raise my child in my own way.
I've made lots of bad choices in the name of 'what's best for them', along w/some great ones.
And of course they participate!! Takes alot of nerve committing them to SOME THINGS without their knowledge and consent.
Did you enter 'your program' with previous consent and knowledge? Not me and I was 16.
Anne: I can relate somewhat w/dad issue. My father was a real estate attorney and made a very nice living. (I suspect his acquaintance w/Judge Stephen Pepe was what got me in theSeed to begin with.) He always did business from home and that 'business-like' atmosphere came w/being his daughter. He used to take me on day-trips w/him to look@properties (hours@a time in the car together) but when there were 'issues' about the house or kids or...MOM always handled it.
Turns out, I'm a single mom w/a developementally disabled son.
Even that's old. He's 24 now. He has ADHDw/PPASPBS.
AttentionDefecitHyperactivityDisorderWITHPervasivePerception&AspbergersSyndrome :o
We call it dense. ::both::
Some of the most satisfying, productive, educational things we have shared were a result of some contract. Be it a long-term accomplishment or some type of reward.
He even put up w/2years in a SpecialEd. facility. I FLAT REFUSED to make him a resident. I freaked and since then, everyone acts like I'm WACKO!