Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => The Troubled Teen Industry => Topic started by: psy on December 29, 2006, 01:57:34 AM
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my 18 year old daughter has been what I consider a typical 18 year old no angel but in the realm of todays norm. Pushed the limits knew when to stop ..The came a boy into her life. hes 20 was a tcollege out of town had to take a sesmester off so he worked at a local gym. They met in June. Thats when everything went heywire. Ignored cerfew, total disrespect dropped her group of friends . It was a summer of **** but we stood our ground. She went off to college in September. When they were together she blew off family functions and the repricution was she was not allowed home for the first 2 school breaks, and was devistated with out him. But he was done with her...She hounded him long distance he blew her off ignored the calls she paid for her self to visit him he wouldnt see her. She got throught the breakup with lots of support from us(mom and dad) her friends who reluctantly forgave her for blowing them off. She was in a good place finally and recognized the bad influence he had been on her. We even predicted that he would finally call her right before she came home. she was certian she would have nothing to do with him. Needless to they are back together she now doesnt want to go back to college( not an option as I do not want her home with him here. ) He went back last term and now is dropping or flunked out. But I also do not want to throw money away if she is going to be pining for him and blow this term also,Its her chance to start fresh as she is transfering to a smaller school. For the first time in my life I cannot stand her . We were totally there for the first round and picked up the pieces..do not have the energy to do it again.. she knew we were not fans of his but we have tried this time to be nice so we do not drive her to him but thats not working either [Mad] .I cant stand to watch her throw away herself for this guy. I really believe he will blow her off again as soon as she leaves . BUt am totally consummed and overwhelmed by the situation. I know I am rammbling and vague but its so much to cover and I need to vent. Do you let her just be and learn the hard way, do you requiere the minimum of rules be met?
::bangin::
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:o
Be grateful you have a normal 18 yo lady
This is what young adults do - this is how they learn to mature and develop, good grief :roll:
I don't know about other countries, but in the UK you're lucky to get your daughter to 18 yo without them having a 4 year old child of their own tagging behind by an unknown father (could be one of 5 fathers!)
These two young peple are 18 and 20! Lord alive, they are adults, immature ones yes, but they are adults, they could have got married and be expecting a child by now, without anyone's consent - okay it's not what us parents want for our offspring, but who are we to tell them how their lives should be run at that age?
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Be grateful you have a normal 18 yo lady
This is what young adults do - this is how they learn to mature and develop, good grief :roll:
I don't know about other countries, but in the UK you're lucky to get your daughter to 18 yo without them having a 4 year old child of their own tagging behind by an unknown father (could be one of 5 fathers!)
These two young peple are 18 and 20! Lord alive, they are adults, immature ones yes, but they are adults, they could have got married and be expecting a child by now, without anyone's consent - okay it's not what us parents want for our offspring, but who are we to tell them how their lives should be run at that age?
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Yeah ... this mom is seriously needing to cut the apron strings. It was interesting that because she had missed 2 family functions that she was not allowed to come home from school. Talk about emotional blackmail.
I must admit that when my 18 year old brought home her boyfriend for the first time, I was less than thrilled. My "traditional middle classness" did not much care for his tattooed, pierced, all black exterior. But, he's still here a year later, standing by her through an unplanned pregnancy. He treats her like the gold that she is. He is respectful and appreciative. I have come to love this kid like one of my own. It was a humbling lesson ...
Sorry I got a little off track ... part of me sort of understands the fear that comes with a young man (who may be slightly off track) hanging around a daughter ... but the bigger part of me knows that underneath every young person is alot of potential.
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as much as this woman wants to control who her daughter dates or marries, where she goes to school, or who she hangs out with, shes SOL at this point. The girl is 18, whether or not she makes good decisions is going to have to be learned on her own, whether or not the mother wants to admit that or not. I went through something at that same age that my parents didnt agree with. I was even disowned for about 2 months LOL. I was 18 1/2 and going to college but I was not at the college that I had wanted to attend and I wanted to be in Atlanta with my fiance(we dated since I was 16) and go to a college there. So I dropped out, after 3 semesters, and called them AFTER I did it. I didnt see the point of my grandmother wasting her money to send me to a place that I didnt want to be at. So when I called them to tell them what I had done, they were furious, my dad demanded that I tell him where I was (directions), so he could come pick me up. I reminded him that I was almost 19 and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. So after a month of not speaking to them I called them again and told them I had gotten a job with a temp agency, and we were moving to a different apt. To make a long story short, within a year and a half of all this "drama" I got married, and we bought a house, and I got a fulltime job and we bought our first new car. Just because its not the path the parents want, its not necessarily the wrong path, thats something the mother is going to have to work out on her own. Shes going to have to deal with the fact that the kid is not a kid anymore, immature maybe, but not a kid.
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When my own daugher was 14 yo she told me she'd met this lad she really liked, then said she'd been seeig him for a month already, so I was automatically suspicious that she hadn't told me earlier, with good reason.....she told me he was 18......
My 1st reaction was to absolutely screw over it, but I didn't, I stayed calm and told her that he was 18, she had not had a boyfriend before and he was probably only after one thing, and that was illegal.
After hearing me out, she said she understood my concerns, but it wasn't goig to happen (hmm...ok) but would I at least get to know him before making any judgement, then if I still felt it wasn't right for her then she'd reassess the situation with me
I felt that as she had a more mature approach to this than I did at the time, I at least owed her that, so I agreed, and here we are 3 years later, he's just part of the family, would never hurt a hair on her head and treats her like gold dust, and she came to me well over a year later asking to see a doctor with her, so they were responsible .... I was the mug
Now if I'd tried to ban her from seeing him, I believe I would have pushed them together and she wouldn't have talked to me about things she needed to talk about, who knows? She may have ended up pregnant through being unable to approach me, it could have been very different if I'd followed my instinct to kill him
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Maybe it's her daughter who is the bad influence on that boy. Why do parents always want to blame everyone else's kid for being a bad influence on theirs? :rofl:
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A lot of parents use college as a new means of control over their child. They threaten to not pay anymore, unless their kid will sit on command. I've seen it with a few of my friends. You'd think the parents wanted a trained dog instead of an independent human being for a kid! Caesar had already conquered the world and died before the age some of these kids finally cut the ambilical cord loose! :P
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When my own daugher was 14 yo she told me she'd met this lad she really liked, then said she'd been seeig him for a month already, so I was automatically suspicious that she hadn't told me earlier, with good reason.....she told me he was 18......
My 1st reaction was to absolutely screw over it, but I didn't, I stayed calm and told her that he was 18, she had not had a boyfriend before and he was probably only after one thing, and that was illegal.
After hearing me out, she said she understood my concerns, but it wasn't goig to happen (hmm...ok) but would I at least get to know him before making any judgement, then if I still felt it wasn't right for her then she'd reassess the situation with me
I felt that as she had a more mature approach to this than I did at the time, I at least owed her that, so I agreed, and here we are 3 years later, he's just part of the family, would never hurt a hair on her head and treats her like gold dust, and she came to me well over a year later asking to see a doctor with her, so they were responsible .... I was the mug
Now if I'd tried to ban her from seeing him, I believe I would have pushed them together and she wouldn't have talked to me about things she needed to talk about, who knows? She may have ended up pregnant through being unable to approach me, it could have been very different if I'd followed my instinct to kill him
:nworthy: :nworthy: There is a reason you came here instead of ST, exhausted.
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How much do you charge for an escort back to the states?
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Are they digging your grave for when you are buried with child abuse charges?
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feel free TSW - someone needs to knock some sense into them
maybe if you were to see the situation for yourself, you might decide it's actually ME who needs to be using that shovel !! Maybe I need a few whacks - my kids weren't born bad, it had to have come from somewhere & as the only parent here, it has to lie with me, so again, feel free to knock some sense into me, whatever it takes....if it helps my boys I'll do it.
I am still at ST Niles, i still read what ppl have to say, it's good to see all sides of what goes on.
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A lot of parents use college as a new means of control over their child. They threaten to not pay anymore, unless their kid will sit on command. I've seen it with a few of my friends. You'd think the parents wanted a trained dog instead of an independent human being for a kid! Caesar had already conquered the world and died before the age some of these kids finally cut the ambilical cord loose! :P
Funny, some of us are just trying to get their kid to consider moving out and being an adult. Go to college if you want -- oh by the way, you have a scholarship that will pay a big chunk of it. Or don't go to college, just go out and live on your own -- you already have a job. It's not that we don't want him around -- we love him dearly. But I moved out when I was 17, got married when I was 21, and am looking forward to getting rid of my kids (so to speak) when they are ready to spread their wings and fly -- and he's definitely ready. I don't want any mid-20s or (OMG) older kids coming back to the empty nest!
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I couldn't get the fuck out of my parents house fast enough. I found a 6 dollar an hour job, found a sublet that same week, and said adios motherfuckers. I never understood kids who wanted to hang around. I even stopped visiting for christmas and the holidays when I was in college, and just stayed up at school.
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If my parents had sent me to some shithole program, I might've done the same as you. Maybe my kid will do that, since I sent him to a shithole program and ruined most of his summer vacation. Then again, maybe not. He and I are developing a pretty good parent-adult child relationship, and he's not even 18 yet (but almost). Maybe he'll surprise me and say 'fuck you' and adios on his birthday. If he does, good for him. At least I'll know he's making his own decisions and living his own life, as opposed to just letting bad shit happen to him and not caring one way or the other.
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it's not always the way - I left home at 16, i could not wait to get away from the dysfunctional household I lived in, I wasn't sent to a program unfortunately for me
I left home because there was no discipline, rules, boundaries - i hated it, my childhood was absolutely crap because of this - and it's something I'll never get back, my childhood was ruined because there was no parenting
The worst thing for an adult is to look back on an unhappy childhood, knowing they can never regain those years
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I wasn't sent to a program unfortunately for me
:o
Why would you say that? You think you would have been better off if they had sent you? Maybe I'm misunderstanding your wording.
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Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult
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Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult
No program would have helped you with that. You would have just been beaten into submission (either figuratively or literally) until you repressed everything, and then once you got out, it would all backfire in your face.
I'm not diminishing the fact that you had a shitty upbringing. I believe you, but there's no point in replacing one form of abuse with another.
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Maybe not - what would I know? I am not an ex program kid so couldn't say, but I can say there are different forms of abuse and one of them is not being bought under control, it's more abusive than you'd think
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Maybe not - what would I know? I am not an ex program kid so couldn't say, but I can say there are different forms of abuse and one of them is not being bought under control, it's more abusive than you'd think
I absolutely agree with you. Negligence is a huge form of abuse. Most children would much rather have negative attention than none at all. One of my closest friends is enormously bitter about his upbringing, which had very little structure or parenting going on. He's borderline suicidal a lot, as well as a huge alcoholic. I once had to talk him down from stealing his mom's car to go kill his father, whom he hates with a passion because of how non-involved he was as a parent.
I guess my point was, that going from your abusive environment, into another equally abusive environment, probably wouldn't have helped much, even though the paradigm would shift from no supervision, to hyper-supervision. Abuse is abuse.
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I'll take that as said as I'll never know now
strange your friend took to alcohol over the same thing, so did my brother :-? wonder if there's anything in that?
My other brother who was sent away always says he's thankful he was out of the home situation and he had a pretty horrible time of it at school
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strange your friend took to alcohol over the same thing, so did my brother wonder if there's anything in that?
Possibly. Sadly, my friend's brother committed suicide, so he did worse off than my friend.
I was sent to a children's home when I was 14. (read: not a program.) It was rough, and I got my ass kicked by other kids a lot, but I also have very fond memories of the place, and the friends I made there. Sometimes on weekend visits, my parents and I would get into such horrible fights they would take me back early, in tears, and I would be glad for it. "Thank god I'm back!" I would hug my friends. So I can definitely see where your brother is coming from on that. It was a rough place, and there were some bad times, but it sure beat living at home with my mom. The staff were kind, but firm, and there were licensed social workers who worked with us. I learned some hard lessons, but they were valuable ones. Like taking accountability for your words (or else you're going to get pummeled by your classmates), street smarts, working your way up the pecking order and earning respect by standing up to people who fuck with you, having your first job and earning money. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. However, the two and a half years at CEDU, I could have done without. They basically erased all that I had learned up to that point, and twisted it into some mindfuck game. At least at the children's home, I was my own person, and had autonomy, and learned.
I'm not saying I know what kind of school your brother went to, I'm just saying I understand being at a place that wasn't the easiest to get along at, and still preferring it to living at home. Most importantly, it was for my own reasons, as opposed to being brainwashed into thinking I belonged there.
I think I can safely say that my history of multiple placement definitely conditioned out of me the desire to ever live with my parents again.
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Well, myself and the brother who turned to drink were in children's homes, and the oldest brother went to an exclusive boarding school, it was a school for children who are too bright to cope in a mainstream school (I don't know if you have them in the US) all of the boys were the same, you had to be a really disruptive but overly bright kid to go there - it was really strict and the usual boarding school rules applied, he was abused there but even so he still says he's glad he had that rather than home
I understand how you felt about going back to the children's home, I didn't want to leave when they came to take me back home, the brother who turned to drink was left there for another year until he finished school, he didn't want to go home either
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(http://http://farm1.static.flickr.com/163/336688157_d089643987_o.gif)
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(http://http://farm1.static.flickr.com/163/336688157_d089643987_o.gif)
meaning???
Too inept to type actual words?
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no meaning.. just thought it was a funny picture
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psy
Member
Member # 5340
posted
quote:
Originally posted by mose:
Psy
I said the same thing as you, but the difference
is when another parent says it we relate our
wisdom from experiences in raising a child, not
passing a judgment or pointng a finger to tell
them they are wrong for considering all options,
or feeling overwhelmed by their child.
If I had passed judgement or pointed a finger I
would not be here. Just becuase I post on "that
other site" does not mean I am here to judge you,
Dondi, or anybody else. Was what I posted that
different than any of the other responses (or
yours for that matter)?
quote:
It is not possible for you to have the same
depth of understanding or knowledge when you are
not a parent.
Nor is it possible for you to have the same first
hand understanding of the real clients of this
industry (the kids).
quote:
We value the perspective from other parents in
similar situations, we already know the child's
point of view (we were also teenagers once upon
a time).
Perhaps you do know your child's point of view,
perhaps not. How many ST parents have actually
been participants in program (TBS/RTC/WS/ABC)?
quote:
Once a parent is on this site most of us are
beyond asking our kids how to help them, we
usually are already in the abyss and so are our
kids.
This is not the case for this mom dondi, none of
us wrote her daughter needs a program, and all
of us said the same thing without your snide
judgemental undertone from "a child's point of
view".
Perhaps you are prejudiced based upon my
background. If the same words were spoken by a
different face, would they have a different
impact? Should they? Is it not the content of the
message that is important?
quote:
Most revealing about your lack of insight to the
parental process in helping out families is your
assumption that parents make decisions in
isolation without input from their family,
doctors, teachers and friends and jump on an out
of home placemat as a first resort.
Whoa. Where did I state anything like that? I was
not aware that we were even discussing out of home
placements at all?!?! Read my posts carefully. The
reference to my background, and the "sarcastic
comment" were the only two references to out of
home placements, neither of which had anything to
do with the core content of my reply.
quote:
This is not how it works; if your parents did it
that way I am, sorry you have such misinformed
parents. If you read how we all respond to other
parents, it is always asked if they tried to
help them at home and in the community first
before they consider an out of home placement.
And if it seems like normal growing issues that
is freakingout a parent we tell each other they
are over reacting, as we are all telling this
parent (from the infomation she has given us).
Your status as a child who had struggles is not
the same as a parent's status.
And therefore my opinion is irrelavant to the
discussion? It has been my experience that groups
of people with similar opinions tend to polarize
over time. My agenda is my own, to inform parents
of what goes on at these schools (because more
often than not they are unaware). I, unlike many
others, have sympathy for the parents. I see them
as victims of an industry that preys on their
fears.
quote:
It is indescribable how heartbreakingly
difficult it is to deal with a troubled child.
And I would never pretend to know want it feels
like to be you or my daughter or any of our kids
to be in a restricted placement outside of the
home during their teenage years.
Then you are missing my message. This disconnect
between our points of view is what i'd like to
end. I'd like to see parents talk to their kids
about their experiences (with no judgements from
either side). What i am seeking essentially is
mutual understanding.
My motive? I believe doing such a thing would end
this sick industry. How?
Every ask yourself why communication is so often
monitored in programs (either directly, or in some
roundabout manner)?
Every ask yourself why programs so often
recommend: "no! Don't take your kid back home.
He's not ready! Send him to my friend here
instead!"
These are just two of many reasons I believe
programs benefit from the separation, the conflict
between parents and kids, often going to lengths
to actually demonize one party to the other.
quote:
It is not easy to watch our children suffer and
make mistakes that can affect their life for
many years, but as parents we do our best to
help our kids have a future... Most spent months
and years trying to help their child before they
turn to an out of home placement. I know that's
our story!
I want to believe your responses are well
intentioned, but it is ridiculous when you lump
us all together as evil "program parents" and
joke around that we all recommend that everyone
go to a program for any type of problem.
mose
When did I do that? Just because I post on that
other site does not mean I share all of their
opinions.
Do read my post history before condemning me.
PS:
@Lon. Why is right click disabled? It's
infuriating when I am trying to use the
spellchecker in Firefox.
The right click is disabled to discourage jerks
from doing a copy and paste of posts on another
forum so as to open them up to ridicule. -Lon
[ January 03, 2007, 11:36 AM: Message edited by:
Lon ]
This is a fucked up exchange even though Psy is careful not to offend. These parents, especially this "mose" character, are just so supercilious and condescending in their certitude of righteousness it makes me want to vomit.
Some of these morons are on their fifth or sixth program and keep coming back for advice that OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T HELP, but that bloodsucking leech Lon keeps making cash off them.
PS - Lon, you're a fucking dope who knows not the first thing about internet security. Fucking moron sheister.
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I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff, so how do you copy/paste now? I did before by just highlighting and then doing ctrl C, instead of right click. Now I can't even highlight the material I want to copy. How do I do that?
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Never mind, it's working now.
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I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff, so how do you copy/paste now? I did before by just highlighting and then doing ctrl C, instead of right click. Now I can't even highlight the material I want to copy. How do I do that?
1. In your browser window, click on "File" and select "Save As" from the dropdown menu.
2. In the ensuing dialogue box, select a save location (like "Desktop" or "My Documents" or whatever) from the top dropdown menu called "Save in".
3. Name the file as you'd like it saved by clicking in the cell called "File name" near the bottom of the dialogue box and typing in the name you desire.
4. In the lowermost dropdown menu (beneath the "File name" cell) called "Save as type" select "Text File (.txt)" from the dropdown choices and click "Save."
5. Browse to the location in which you chose to save the file and double-click on the file you created. It will open in Notepad.
6. In Notepad, highlight the desired text and press Ctrl + C. Drop your mouse in the desired paste location and press Ctrl + V.
Your "forbidden to be copied text" is now happily pasted into it's final location.
Enjoy.
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No point in wasting time with those shitheads. They believe what they need to believe in order to be deficient parents by choice. Don't fall for their bullshit pity party, it's all an act. That's all they know anyways, pretense.
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I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff, so how do you copy/paste now? I did before by just highlighting and then doing ctrl C, instead of right click. Now I can't even highlight the material I want to copy. How do I do that?
1. In your browser window, click on "File" and select "Save As" from the dropdown menu.
2. In the ensuing dialogue box, select a save location (like "Desktop" or "My Documents" or whatever) from the top dropdown menu called "Save in".
3. Name the file as you'd like it saved by clicking in the cell called "File name" near the bottom of the dialogue box and typing in the name you desire.
4. In the lowermost dropdown menu (beneath the "File name" cell) called "Save as type" select "Text File (.txt)" from the dropdown choices and click "Save."
5. Browse to the location in which you chose to save the file and double-click on the file you created. It will open in Notepad.
6. In Notepad, highlight the desired text and press Ctrl + C. Drop your mouse in the desired paste location and press Ctrl + V.
Your "forbidden to be copied text" is now happily pasted into it's final location.
Enjoy.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm glad at least the highlighting is working, I wouldn't go to ^^^ that much trouble to do it.
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Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult
I am curious....do you feel like your mom was very loving and not mean enough? (spoiling you)
Or do you feel like your mom was unloving and mean but gave you no guidence? (neglecting you)
They are very different. Ive never met a spoiled kid who goes on to be "unruly"..Rather the spolt kids go on to be socially obedient,
and quite sucessful. Unfortunetly, feeling you are entitled, confident, and that people are going to care for you no matter what- usually works to peoples benifit. On the other hand, neglected kids- they become unruly
It is a fallacy that what ailing kids need is a "kick in the ass". Its a fallacy that terrorizing a kid creates a good adult. Terrorizing somone works if you want to get him to hand over his wallet, not as the base for the most primal bond there is. If terrorizing kids worked well..then program graduates or child survivors of forced prostitution would be the most well of people there are It doesnt work that way.
Ultimately, as terrible as neglect is, going further and totruring a kid through a program (done in addition to neglecting him) is going to make things worse. Its like not being fed enough AND getting hit over the head really hard everyday.
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They are very different. Ive never met a spoiled kid who goes on to be "unruly"..Rather the spolt kids go on to be socially obedient,
and quite sucessful. Unfortunetly, feeling you are entitled, confident, and that people are going to care for you no matter what- usually works to peoples benifit. On the other hand, neglected kids- they become unruly
Not always the case. Overprotective parents can also produce unruly kids. (Points to self.)
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I think all program kids have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Seek FDA advice to rebalance your brain chemicals. That is all.
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I agree. Neglect and overprotection can create the same outcome. 'Under-loved' or 'over-loved', both black holes- grieving/searching for the piece(s) they weren't given, and can manifest the exact 'symptoms' with minor differences. And I use 'loved' loosely, as I've seen many a kid horrendously abused/neglected in the name of love.
When you boil it all down, it's pretty simple. Humans need to have their basic needs for survival met, feel they belong, be provided accurate information, and have modeled for them how to function in a group (family, society, world).
In that sense, you see that overprotection is a form of neglect as well. So, the curler's kid can be just as unruly as the crack whore's, or more so, depending on the factors involved.
Those who seem to fare best are the ones who somehow manage to grieve the loss (consciously or not), put it all in perspective, and give those things to themselves the best they can.
Few humans have had all their needs met, therefore can't provide them. Welcome to the human condition. We've all been, and continue to be, conditioned toward division. It's good for the economy!!! Bad for humans.
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We've all been, and continue to be, conditioned toward division. It's good for the economy!!! Bad for humans.
That's definitely the feeling I've been getting lately...
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Seek advice from the FDA?! That is completely ridiculous, but I hope you will the enjoy the mood swings
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"Not always the case. Overprotective parents can also produce unruly kids. (Points to self.)"
_________________
I agree. Neglect and overprotection can create the same outcome. 'Under-loved' or 'over-loved', both black holes- grieving/searching for the piece(s) they weren't given, and can manifest the exact 'symptoms' with minor differences. And I use 'loved' loosely, as I've seen many a kid horrendously abused/neglected in the name of love.
When you boil it all down, it's pretty simple. Humans need to have their basic needs for survival met, feel they belong, be provided accurate information, and have modeled for them how to function in a group (family, society, world).
In that sense, you see that overprotection is a form of neglect as well. So, the curler's kid can be just as unruly as the crack whore's, or more so, depending on the factors involved.
Those who seem to fare best are the ones who somehow manage to grieve the loss (consciously or not), put it all in perspective, and give those things to themselves the best they can.
Few humans have had all their needs met, therefore can't provide them. Welcome to the human condition. We've all been, and continue to be, conditioned toward division. It's good for the economy!!! Bad for humans."
These terms like spoiled v overprotected are very amorphous so its hard to comunicate with them, but they mean different things to me. Im not sure what you mean by overprotected, but by spoiled I mean given too much positive attention (if such a thing exists)
Whereas with neglect you are not given any positive attention. -any attention period.
With neglect you are not having any basic needs met period, while with being spoiled your basic needs are all met but some of the more "supplemental" elements are lacking.
So your mother and father spend lots of time with you, are kind to you, have a freindship with you, - but if youdont want to take the garbage out, no ones stressing. With neglect there is no bond ,no one will spend time with you and no one is kind. You are alone in a wilderness.
This produces different symptoms. The Jewish American Princess and the little girl whose parents locked her in a room in for the first 8 years of her life may both seem distracted, but the Jap has the capability of engaging where as the neglected child simply has not develouped the ability. In fact, perhaps the "symptoms" are from a far distance akin, but they are evidence of diseases that are worlds apart in terminality.
Heres a blog about spoiled children...things can go wrong..but not really in the "troubled" sense.
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:yE ... =clnk&cd=5 (http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:yEr1_xJhA1gJ:www.connectwithkids.com/blogs/stacey/%3Fp%3D3+famous+indulged+children&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=5)
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To clear up any vagueness, here's my take on overprotected vs. spoiled:
Spoiled means the child never has to want for anything. Whatever he/she asks for, they get. They grow up with an overblown sense of self-entitlement, where they think that they are the center of the universe, and it is everyone else's job to cater to them. They rarely have to do anything for themselves. Their parents are "yes men".
Overprotected means that the parents either a. don't trust the child, b. don't trust the world the child lives in or c. both. The child is often henpecked and nagged about minor things, such as appearance and rambunctious behavior ("stop embarrassing us!"), they are overdressed in mild weather, not given much freedom when venturing out on their own, and their physical/mental health is often obsessed over. They are sent to doctors for the slightest sniffle, sent to shrinks for the mildest of behavior quirks. They are fussed over, micromanaged, restricted. The more "difficult" the child, the tighter the noose. Often, when the child becomes a teenager, he/she could often be suspected of misbehavior that they did not even do. (Such as using drugs.) The parents have a desire to have control over every part of their child's life. It is also common (but not a steadfast rule) for overprotective parents to be narcissists. They control their child just so, because they want their child to be their mirror.
These are broad generalizations. Just because I grew up with overprotective parents doesn't mean they exactly fit the description given above, item per item. (read: I am not painting a picture of my parents.) I was just trying to draw a distinction between the two things.
And of course, these two things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, either. A child can certainly have parents who spoil them to some extent but who are also controlling and want to shelter them from everything.
BTW, who screwed up the frames on this page? It's driving me nuts.
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Yes I do, I could have done with a good kick up the arse as a kid, i was a spoilt, nasty brat, defiant, rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, really hateful and unruly, and no-one stopped me, i resent that fact to this day....it's caused me alot of problems as an adult
I am curious....do you feel like your mom was very loving and not mean enough? (spoiling you)
Or do you feel like your mom was unloving and mean but gave you no guidence? (neglecting you)
They are very different. Ive never met a spoiled kid who goes on to be "unruly"..Rather the spolt kids go on to be socially obedient,
and quite sucessful. Unfortunetly, feeling you are entitled, confident, and that people are going to care for you no matter what- usually works to peoples benifit. On the other hand, neglected kids- they become unruly
It is a fallacy that what ailing kids need is a "kick in the ass". Its a fallacy that terrorizing a kid creates a good adult. Terrorizing somone works if you want to get him to hand over his wallet, not as the base for the most primal bond there is. If terrorizing kids worked well..then program graduates or child survivors of forced prostitution would be the most well of people there are It doesnt work that way.
Ultimately, as terrible as neglect is, going further and totruring a kid through a program (done in addition to neglecting him) is going to make things worse. Its like not being fed enough AND getting hit over the head really hard everyday.
I feel like she couldn't be bothered to parent me, it was all too much hassle for her to actually place boundaries and ruules and make the effort to enforce them, it was much easier to let me do what I liked with no consequences than make me folow her rules, that's not a loving parent, parents don't always get their rules followed, (points at self) but please, at least give your kids some guidelines in the first place - lazy parenting means you don't care enough about your kid to go through the fights that go with enforcing the rules