Fornits
General Interest => Open Free for All => Topic started by: Anonymous on October 06, 2006, 06:47:54 PM
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My ex husband has borderline pd--or at least that is what therapist and family and I think. He's one of those people who can make a good impression, but is crazy making--even the therapist can't work with him, and absolutely denies he has it. HIs family, mine, and me have had to deal with the repercussions and also the frustration of dealing with someone who is crazy making, doesn't know it, and drives everyone else to insanity. I never even knew about BPD until after I married him... Incidentally, he caught me with the book, and has diagnosed me and others while still proclaimimg himself normal. To make matters worse, he has become "born again" which means he uses God to justify his loopy perspectives. In spite of the severe amount of pain and cost to all of us, he still thinks of me as his best friend (even though I do my best to steer clear) and love of his life, and idealizes me to the status of an angel---or I'm a no good dirty whore--never in between. His family is spent; I'm spent and why do I give a fuck? Because he is my children's father, is obsessed with them, and is actually a caring, loving Dad if wacky in the head. (He can't differentiate between him and them. He ha sa headache--he is convinced they are etc. This is one of my more mild comparisons.)I am stuck a state away from family , feeling like I'm basically living at the whim of the Emperor with no clothes. Instead of everyone saying "hey look! ya got no clothes on!" the strategy of the family is to walk on eggshells with him. No one is direct about the extreme amount of inconvenience and loss we have experienced with him. (And he really doesn't get it.) I could tell him I was raped yesterday and if I cried about it, he would seriously ask me "hey what's wrong? why are you crying?"
I'm tired. I never know what crazy thing he will come up with next.
Has anyone here had BPD, know about it, treated it, or know how I can deal with it? I'm great with people having bipolar or depression--this one eludes me.
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///and love of his life, and idealizes me to the status of an angel---or I'm a no good dirty whore--never in between. ///
Ahh yes - the Black and White thinking - classic BPD.
Get a copy of: Stop Walking on Eggshells. Its very helpful for family members and friends.
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, is another must read classic on this disorder.
Don't expect his therapist to know anything true about this disorder. Therapist are often very ignorant of the new findings and effective treatments. They will often say nothing can be done - and they will often abandon therapy - even tho this is about the worst thing they can do to a BPD.
DBT - a kind of behavior therapy has been *Proven* effective - so much so that many patients find they no longer meet the criteria for diagnosis - meaning they are "cured".
Finding a therapist who knows this - or who is willing to learn about it can be a challenge - but its worth the effort.
Your EX may not ever be willing to face his being so ill - but if he ever does - having answers handy for him could be a life savor.
But you must primarily learn to how to set boundaries and respect yourself enough to maintain them. Stop Walking on Eggshells can be very helpful in this.
Good Luck - and God Bless.
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Back home, we just call that a certified asshole.
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Can you get certified for that?! ::trophy::
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Its a lot worse than being an ass hole. At least some of the time. BPD can varrie a great deal from person to person - and still be diagnosable. Its about how they think and feel that makes them so difficult - weather or not it is disabling to their lives otherwise - that makes a person identifiable as BPD.
There can be an intensity to the rage and despair that can not be described.
There are a couple analogies that come to mind.
One of the best, IMO, is that of a burn victim. The slightest touch is horribly painful for a burn victim. What would be a very slight sensation - or even normally pleasant - is painful in the extreme.
A BPD feels their emotions in a very similar way - and just as a burn victim can't help but scream out at the slightest touch, a BPD patient can not help but feel extremes of emotions - oftentimes wildly out of proportion to what occurred - and to react accordingly.
This is why validation is so important in dealing with a BPD patents complaints. You needent agree with them, to validate what they Feel. Its important not to minimalize their pain or hurt or anger - or joy. They feel it - it is as real as any and all emotions are - and if you can validate how they feel, and show some sympathy - you will find they will feel a lot better a lot sooner, than if you tell them they are nuts - or stupid - or what ever you might be tempted to say, in the face of their oftentimes wildly imaginative accusations.
As to the Lying they so often do. I once heard it explained in a way that helped me have far more compassion. Back to their raw and extreme emotions - what they feel is often far worse than what the event that prompted it can account for. This creates a problem with their perceptions of people and events. Its like their brain adjust what it remembers, to fit what they feel; and so, they often remember things that would better explain what they felt. It isn't a lie in the strictest sense, even tho it may in no way resemble the truth, b/c its the way they remember the event or words said.
It can be useful - (once a rage is over) - to point out - gently - (not in a your a crazy mFer sort of way) - that there would be evidence left if it happened that way. For example - you could point out: If I had actually beaten you with a base ball bat - wouldn't you have some cuts and bruises? Also, if you can get them in a group setting - again of a friendly nature - and discuss an event - that they remember differently from everyone else - you can gently use that to point out they don't always remember things rightly - and its b/c of an illness that can be helped - if they ever decide they want help.
Trying to reason with a BPD raging is pointless. They can not reason at that point. They are oftentimes just a hair short of psychotic - and may at times slip for a bit over that boundary. This is why a low does of an anti-psychotic is sometimes very helpful. It helps them maintain the ability to reason. It helps keep them more grounded in reality. But of corse - the side effects are serious - and so for that reason I wouldn't recommend their use except in serious situations, and for a short time; Maybe while they begin to learn their DBT skills.
Another analogy a BPD friend of mine once came up, with that I like a lot: Imagine a room with numerous poles in it, running from floor to ceiling. Most are yellow - and harmless. But a few scattered through out the room are grey - and they have a painful electric shock if you touch them.
Now, as normal healthy people maneuver across the room, they soon learn to avoid the grey poles. But a color blind person - who can not tell the difference in the two colors, would be always getting shocked, and never understanding why. Consequently - they would soon become very upset and frustrated and likely to react badly to any kind of extra stress - no matter how minor.
This is what everyday life is like for a BPD. They are constantly getting zapped - and they do not understand why. They don't pick up on social signals the way others do. They don't realize how inappropriate they are at times. They don't understand that their anger is all out of proportion to events.
What they feel is always being invalidated by others - and this enrages them.
Why don't you stay away from the grey poles? does no good if they can't see the colors.
An on top of all this - they have a persistent feeling of boredom and emptiness. They can feel as if they will cease to exist if they are alone and not engaged with others in some way. It is a terrifying sensation that I don't pretend to understand - I only know what they report feeling. The hallmark fear of abandonment comes from this painful symptom of emptiness. They live their lives in terror of being abandoned - and b/c of the way they push people away when feeling fear or anger they often are. Thus: I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!!
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The only thing worse than having BPD is asking Fornits what to do when your spouse has it.
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http://toddlertime.com/ (http://toddlertime.com/)
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/index.htm (http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/index.htm)
Join Information List for Mental Health! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bpd_support (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bpd_support)
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> Back home, we just call that a certified asshole.
Nice contribution to the topic.
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You just described my ex to a T. Thank you for the examples.
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Well, have you ruled out SPD in family members and diagnosticians? Sometimes, when you're the only one to keep their calm in times of crisis, it's because you don't know what's going on.
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SPD = Stupid Person Disorder?? ;)
Well this I know, living with a BPD patient can make anyone feel both stupid and insane; no matter how sane and intelligent they actually are.
http://www.bpd411.org/index.html (http://www.bpd411.org/index.html) > good site for friends and family members
Speaking of crazy making - BPD and the OZ metaphor:
http://www.bpd411.org/glossary.html (http://www.bpd411.org/glossary.html)
http://www.bpd411.org/oz.html (http://www.bpd411.org/oz.html).
http://www.bpd411.org/leavingoz.html (http://www.bpd411.org/leavingoz.html)
http://www.bpd411.org/brainwashletter.html (http://www.bpd411.org/brainwashletter.html)
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Thanks for the site--it looks helpful. I think what I am most resentful of is even as an ex, feeling controlled in some way. I can't leave the state I am in. (Share kids) It would help if he knew he was but he doesn't know. I think the hardest part is that most people have no idea what it is. Do they know what causes it?
How do the BPs who have it eventually get diagnosed because it is so tricky and they have that particular trait of being utterly un self aware.
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Thanks for the site--it looks helpful. I think what I am most resentful of is even as an ex, feeling controlled in some way. I can't leave the state I am in. (Share kids) It would help if he knew he was but he doesn't know. I think the hardest part is that most people have no idea what it is. Do they know what causes it?
How do the BPs who have it eventually get diagnosed because it is so tricky and they have that particular trait of being utterly un self aware.
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SPD - Staff Personality Disorder.
She called it spot on.
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http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/cause.htm (http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/cause.htm)
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/artindex.htm (http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/artindex.htm)
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People in Borderline relationships sometime speak of the BPD dance.
Its how one reacts to the constant flux between being on the pedestal and being in the gutter. It is the responsibility of the non partner to stop dancing. I think the following lyrics illustrate this dance pretty well - from the non's POV. And as an extra bonus - there is an awesome clip to view - don't miss it - it's a really something.
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
All you used to do was put me down
But I found a way to pick myself up off the ground -
And all you used to do was criticise me
But now I found the good and I emphasise, ya see
You would always get so sensitive -
And try to turn your transgressions, into my guiltiness
But now I'm certain of the way I live
And what I'm responsible for, in this twisted game
And it's such a shame
That you try to make pain
Another word for my name
Whether giving or receiving
It's one the same
Just one more link
In your long-ass chain
But it's time to break
This frame and my strengthful will
Time to jump off this negative cycle we've built
Gave my heart
But my self-respection you won't steal
Now it's time to let ya know if you can hear me feel me
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
So I asked my momma for her two cents
And then I asked my little sister, and I asked my friend
Then I asked my poppa once, and I asked him again
Came two little consensus from all them opinions -
That life is too short to be unhappy
And since I know what I'm worth, there'll be no settling for dirt
Knowing what I deserve is gold -
If I want diamonds then I can't settle for coal !
Maybe I was just too strong to let go
Maybe I was just too weak to let it show
Maybe I was just too stubborn to say "No"
But whatever the case, I can't take it no more!
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Sometimes I think maybe we'll patch it all up -
Like a favourite pair of jeans that you won't give up on
Or maybe one of these arguments will make up
And start again like when we started this up
Back when everything was fresh
And every moment a blessing
I'd laugh at all of your jokes
You'd listen to my suggestions
One mind, one soul,
With common decimation
Now we can't help but fight over the direction!
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... y+slim+WJF (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2639980997907701949&q=fatboy+slim+WJF)
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OK - I have tried to ignore this - but I find I can't.
In the final three lines of the lyrics (as found on a song lyrics web site) the word decimation, should be Destination.
Might be other mistakes too - but that one was buggin me.
I feel better now.
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Borderlines cause emotional disasters wherever they go.
I learnt to forgive the borderline in my life when I realised what an entirely miserable existence she must lead and how absolutely demeaning it must be to have to have the urge to manipulate people into liking you or feeling sorry for you all the time. All that histrionic and attention-sdeeking behaviour as well.
That overwhelming fear of abandonment and low self-esteem must be hard to live with.
Of course, I have nothing to do with her anymore and that has made the forgiveness process easier.
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The Borderline in my life is great at duping the world at large--just his family and mine live with the bullshit. Right now, he is great with kids--though over identifies--but they are going to be fucking confused as all hell when they get older and have him blurring reality all over the place.
And, it would give me some satisfaction, after being abused, to know he was miserable, but he is blissfully unaware of how he affects all of us, and just traipses through the meadow of happy oblivion.
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Sounds like you're the one with the problem.
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Yeah, it is my fucking problem.
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Yeah, it is my fucking problem.
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Its everybody's problem.
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"Get Me Out Of Here" by Racheal Rhiland (sp?)
is a great memoir of a first person account of BPD. Look in your local Borders in the psychology section. This is one of my favortie books of all time. It's a really sad but imspiring story! And it has a good ending!
Good Luck!
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It's a congenital prozac deficiency.
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"It's a congenital prozac deficiency."
I get the joke--and yeah, people are overdiagnosed and medicated.
But Borderline is a different balllgame. It is not depression or bipolar--mood disorders. Borderline is a personality disorder--much harder to treat etc. (To put it in context--a sociopath has a personality disorder; a narcissist has a PD... so does a borderline.) It is very frustrating for people who are NON-BPs to deal with --many therapists won't even touch it. But we have to if the person is a family member or connected through kids.
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What's the difference between the terms "defective personality", "personality disorder" and "natural born asshole"?
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Nuthin'.
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Because it oversimplifies. But with some disorders, if you know what it is, you know how to deal with it better, anyway.
Who the fuck knows. At this rate, I'm just feeling hopeless about everything.
I just hate having to deal with this asshole, and I'll take what is classically referred to as alkies, stoners, manics, depressives, schizos, ADDs, or just plumb fucking crazy over this schmuck any day of the week.
At least there is a cure for virginity.
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I just hate having to deal with this asshole, and I'll take what is classically referred to as alkies, stoners, manics, depressives, schizos, ADDs, or just plumb fucking crazy over this schmuck any day of the week.
So just step away from the asshole. Why the need to pathologize him/her?
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I can't step aside--we share kids. Believe me--I've tried. Plus, he is a bit on the obsessive side.
I also agree the tendency is to over pathologize--but there is a place for pathology. One can over label or overgeneralize.
Take schizos--it would be a gross oversimplification to put them under the Asshole umbrella. Some of them no doubt are, but most are not, in spite of the pain and inconvenience their family members might experience. So there is a place where pathology is fitting and useful for treatment. If I brought my cousin in to a psych to get him help for being a Certified Asshole, I doubt he would get the medication he so obviously needs to keep even and function on a basic level. Not that I minded having to tell him that I could not remove the devices implanted in him by the CIA because I wasn't technically savvy enough to do that. But I'm sure his Dad minded being chased with a knife because he was "one of them."
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I can't step aside--we share kids. Believe me--I've tried. Plus, he is a bit on the obsessive side.
I also agree the tendency is to over pathologize--but there is a place for pathology. One can over label or overgeneralize.
Take schizos--it would be a gross oversimplification to put them under the Asshole umbrella. Some of them no doubt are, but most are not, in spite of the pain and inconvenience their family members might experience. So there is a place where pathology is fitting and useful for treatment. If I brought my cousin in to a psych to get him help for being a Certified Asshole, I doubt he would get the medication he so obviously needs to keep even and function on a basic level. Not that I minded having to tell him that I could not remove the devices implanted in him by the CIA because I wasn't technically savvy enough to do that. But I'm sure his Dad minded being chased with a knife because he was "one of them."
Even if you don't share kids, it can be difficult to step away from the PD person.
I was in relationship with a schizophrenic for quite a few years, and her illness wasn't nearly as disorienting as the personality disorder. True schizophrenia is often purely biochemical. The person in my life that had it was almost completely functional while she was on her medication. But, the few times I saw her without it, well... it was similar to what would happen to most people if they were to take about 5 hits of acid. The main difference being that the trip would last months, not hours.
I was also in another relationship. This person was a PD. The biggest problem with the girl who had the personality disorder was that she absolutely denied she was ever at fault in any situation. It was always "everyone else" that had the problem. And, as is often the case, her "episodes" were intermittent. I saw no sign whatsoever that there was anything unusual about her for at least the first 6 months of the relationship. When it began to emerge, it was sudden, intense, and brief. And she was immediately remorseful for "being mean" and even though it scared the crap out of me, she cried and begged for forgiveness, and instead of just walking away from her (like I started to) I gave her another chance. This was the only time she ever took responsibility, and the demons reemerged a couple of months later, even more intensely than before.
There is the tendency to have some hope that eventually the PD person will get past their problem, learn from their mistakes, and begin to realize that the reason people always turn on them and write them off, is because they are just being a total fuckwad. This is highly unlikely. Usually, the problem will just get worse, and eventually, they may very well become violent, and even kill you. Or, you may become so distressed by the situation that you kill yourself.
Don't try to suppress your flight-or-fight mechanism. It's there for a reason.
However, I don't have kids, so that does make it much simpler for me. The http://www.BPD411.org/ (http://www.BPD411.org/) site deals alot with ways of getting away from people like this. Maybe you can find some suggestions there.
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Learn from their mistakes - if only they could.
Still, I wanted to say that I personally have doubts that BPD is a true personality disorder - like Narcissism or Histrionic PD or Obsessive Compulsive PD (not to be confused with Obsessive Compulsive disorder) Because it can be treated, and the persons can improve to the point they no longer fit the criteria - thus being "cured". A personality disorder can not be cured.
A Narcissist, for example, can be told he is a selfish ass hole - and he may even at times acknowledge this - but he can not change. This is how he is.
A good therapist may be able to help him moderate his behavior so as not to destroy all relationships - but he will still think and act like a narcissist. Others in relationships with them, generally have to learn to tolerate their selfish, self importance - or move on.
A BPD patient who is lucky enough to have a good therapist; and who is intelligent enough (and sadly intelligence does make a big difference in the success rate of a "cure") to know they are a problem, and that they have a problem; and the wherewithal to work hard at the therapy, can become much healthier mentally - and much easier to live with. They can actually change how they think and react to people and events. So, I argue it is not therefore a true personality disorder, even tho it sure does look like one, to anyone living with them.
As mentioned earlier, medication can also be very helpful for a BPD. Medication does nothing for a true personality disorder.
However, it is also true that their are often co-disorders with BPD - and other personality disorders are not uncommon. Histrionic PD is a fairly common mix with BPD; as well as what the Docs call Narcissistic traits.
And too, there is nearly always some form of an OCD type disorder. For example, Tricotillomania, or animal collecting, or Turrets, or clean freak obsessions - or all of the above.
Getting these under control, which requires medication as well as behavior therapy, can often help calm some of the more distressing BPD traits - such as the raging.
This really is a serious matter that has a negative ripple effect threw increasing circles of society. It is deserving of much greater effort to understand and treat than it currently receives.
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If you try hard enough (and it wouldn't be that hard) you could apply some disorder or another to anyone on the planet.
PERSONAL FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!!
I'm so sick and fucking tired of all the abuse excuse, it's the drugs not me, I have a personality disorder, I have ADHD, I'm bipolar. Fucking sick and goddamn tired of it. ::puke:: :flame:
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If you try hard enough (and it wouldn't be that hard) you could apply some disorder or another to anyone on the planet.
PERSONAL FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!!
I'm so sick and fucking tired of all the abuse excuse, it's the drugs not me, I have a personality disorder, I have ADHD, I'm bipolar. Fucking sick and goddamn tired of it. ::puke:: :flame:
Unfortunately, misdiagnosing, overdiagnosing, the money-hungry drug companies, etc. have really discredited people who have real, legitimate, serious mentall illnesses. Believe it or not, there are people who simply can't function without meds. I saw a guy that was truly bipolar once who had gone off of his lithium. He was so manic, he could do noting but shuffle frantically and bounce off the walls. I've seen people who actually thought that the only way they could save themselves from being killed, was to take a shit in the middle of the road during rush hour traffic. And I've seen these same people months later, after being on their meds, and you wouldn't know that anything was wrong with them at all. It can be a night and day transformation.
One of the most damaging things you can do to these people, is to tell them they don't need their meds. It really is a matter of life and death for some people.
In the case of the woman here with the BPD husband, it can be much like being in program. Their is an element of brainwashing, severe emotional confusion, and it makes it hard for the non-BPD partner to even distinguish up from down. It's much like how so many people stick around the programs, believing it's good for them, totally unaware that they are being abused. In this case, putting a label on it can help the person that is being victimized to realize that they need to get the fuck out.
I don't think there's too many people with BPD that even think they are doing anything wrong, and I don't think this is a case where they are using it as an excuse to justify their behavior. They really are just being mean as hell to everyone, and blaming everyone else for the way they react to them. They honestly believe that they are doing nothing wrong. The best thing for the person in a relationship with someone like that, is just to get the hell out.
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I didn't tell anyone not to take their meds. I did say that I'm fucking sick and tired of the excuses for abhorent behavior. My parents were mean, I was abused, I've got a chemical imbalance. Whaaa, whaa, whaa. IMO, the VAST MAJORITY of people that are diagnosed with whatever disorder they've been labeled are just plain assholes and use their dx as an excuse to be one.
I've got the ex husband to back that up. He's been diagnosed every fucking thing under the sun. He's an alkie, he's an addict, he's bipolar, he's ADD and ADHD, he's BPD.....no he's not. He's a fucking selfish asshole who's only priority is himself. He fucked up.........AGAIN......and is back in rehab to avoid jail for trafficking. He already did 3 years on a DUI manslaughter, 2 more for a violation, 2 more for another, avoided prison for another by ducking into rehab (like he's doing now) and all I hear from he and his parents are how everyone else in the world is to blame for their poor baby's problems. The man is 43 years old and needs to grow the fuck up and quit being a goddamn baby.
Got a niece who's been diagnosed with bipolar. Bullshit. She got pregnant on purpose hoping to trap a husband and sit on her ass. Didn't work, she picked the biggest fucking loser around. Got rid of him and took up with another ass. Got her kid taken cuz she was letting her b/f and his buds deal coke out of her apt. Now she's crying bipolar made her do it. Apparently it still is cuz she's hooked up with anohter winner who just got busted for the third time for GTA and grand larceny only this last time he used her truck to do his work. She's still crying bipolar, none of it is her fault. Now my mother (age 65) is stuck raising her fucking kid who is 2.
I'm disgusted up to my ass with all this shit. I've been diagnosed wihth all that shit too. I didn't buy into it though and have managed somehow muddle through life.
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A BPD patient who is lucky enough to have a good therapist; and who is intelligent enough (and sadly intelligence does make a big difference in the success rate of a "cure") to know they are a problem, and that they have a problem; and the wherewithal to work hard at the therapy, can become much healthier mentally - and much easier to live with. They can actually change how they think and react to people and events. So, I argue it is not therefore a true personality disorder, even tho it sure does look like one, to anyone living with them.
The key here is for them to actually realize that they are the one with the problem, not everybody else. And when that's the case, then they can quit being such an asshole.
Anybody that uses their "disorder" as an excuse to treat everyone like shit is probably just full of shit. And the doctors that are getting rich by giving them excuse should be shot.
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Ok. I'm the original writer with the ex spouse who shares kids. I undestand the whole bullshit about diagnosing assholes. But I really do believe that people are overlabeled...
And I hate it when someone says I have FILL IN THE FUCKING BLANK DISORDER so it's not my fault. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying If you do, and it severely impacts OTHER people's lives, then take responsibility for it, and do something about it.
Part of the problem with borderline is that it is hard to describe to soemone who hasn't experienced. I know an asshole from an asshole--it's different--his family knows an asshoel from an asshole--this is different. God, we wish it were that easy. If he could only just be a certified asshole!
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I still the the vast majority of the cases are full of shit. I think it's a very, very, very, very rare occasion that anyone actually has these disorders, with the possible exception of paranoid schizophrenia.
You can dope your kids up on speed all you want but god forbid mom smoke a joint. Pretty fucked up.
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I prefer my vino... but hey, one's person glass or two of wine is another person's toke. I see doped up kids all the time at school. Many occasions I think, if i had to sit there and conform to all these petty rules and suffer standardized instructions 6 hours a day, and deal with the whole cruelty of the period, I'd rather be doped up, too.
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I prefer my vino... but hey, one's person glass or two of wine is another person's toke. I see doped up kids all the time at school. Many occasions I think, if i had to sit there and conform to all these petty rules and suffer standardized instructions 6 hours a day, and deal with the whole cruelty of the period, I'd rather be doped up, too.
Salute!
Here's an interesting story that arrived in my mailbox today.
http://calsun.canoe.ca/News/Columnists/ ... 32199.html (http://calsun.canoe.ca/News/Columnists/Corbella_Licia/2006/10/15/2032199.html)
Sanity wins the day
Cold and heartless bureaucracy abandons fight that became matter of life or death
By Licia Corbella
If necessity is the mother of invention, then few people had more of a necessity to invent -- or at least be open to invention -- than Tony Stephan.
On Jan. 29, 1994, like her father before her, his wife, Debora, the mother of Stephan's 10 children, killed herself after suffering for years with bi-polar disorder.
What's worse, two of their children were headed down the same path and despite being on almost maximum doses of traditional anti-psychotic medications, both were getting sicker and sicker.
In November of 1995, Stephan, who is now 53, from Magrath, Alberta, confided to an acquaintance from church, David Hardy, about his son Joseph's manic depression -- how violent the then 15-year-old boy became, to the point the family feared for their lives.
Stephan also mentioned his then 22-year-old married daughter Autumn Stringam was so suicidal -- despite the cocktail of dozens of anti-psychotic drugs she was on -- that when not in hospital she had to be on 24-hour adult supervision to ensure she didn't harm herself or her then three-year old son.
Hardy, a retired high school biology teacher, was then running a livestock supplement feed business in southern Alberta.
He told Stephan that Jo-seph's symptoms sounded remarkably like the pigs he saw that were suffering from ear-and-tail-biting syndrome -- in which hogs get so aggressive they attack one another, sometimes to the death.
All that was needed to calm the hogs down was a mixture of some 24 vitamins and minerals added to their feed.
Stephan was so desperate he said he would try anything.
So, the two men went to health food stores and put together a version of the pig supplement for human consumption.
In January of 1996, Stephan forced his psychotic son to start taking the vitamins and minerals.
Within days the violent teen was markedly better and within a month he was completely normal.
He is now a gentle husband and doting father of a three-month-old daughter.
"I have a great life now," says a joyful Joseph. "I think I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for Empowerplus."
The same happened with Autumn, who has since had three more children.
In more than 10 years, neither has ever had a relapse into madness.
Indeed, just this past summer, Autumn published a beautifully written book about her life of madness and journey to sanity in a gripping autobiography called These Painted Wings.
Having witnessed the remarkable transformations of his children, Stephan and Hardy knew they could not keep such a life-saving and life improving discovery to themselves.
They called their nutrient supplement Empowerplus and the support program and company to administer the supplement Truehope Nutritional Support.
By 2002, 3,000 Canadians were using the supplement, several peer-reviewed papers had been published reporting "significant" and "highly promising" results and psychologist Dr. Bonnie Kaplan, had started double-blind clinical trials at the University of Calgary, with a $500,000 grant from the Alberta government.
The product was being manufactured in the U.S. and shipped to Canadian customers.
But in 2003, Health Canada ordered Canada Customs to seize all shipments at the border.
It raided Truehope's office in southern Alberta and sent thousands of Canadian users into full panic mode. Many began smuggling the product over the border.
Others succumbed to despair and several suicides are attributed to the seizing of the product.
Because Empowerplus was a natural health product and not a drug, it was impossible to get a Drug Identification Number (DIN).
Nevertheless, Health Canada demanded that Empowerplus get a DIN, even though it knew the feds were working on a new law to accommodate natural health products.
On July 28, following a three-week criminal trial in Calgary, Alberta Provincial Court Judge Gerald Meagher found Truehope, Stephan and Hardy not guilty, ruling that the company was entitled to the "defence of necessity."
Judge Meagher said the expert testimony, particularly from Dr. Charles Popper, a Harvard Professor of Psychiatry, who "has most impressive qualifications" was "that if the supplement became unavailable, symptoms associated with de-pression and bi-polar disorder, which would include aggressive behaviour, assaults, hospitalizations and suicides, would return."
Judge Meagher ruled Stephan and Hardy could have "been at risk of criminal prosecution if they stopped providing the supplement and providing the support program.
"Claiming that they had to comply with a DIN regulation would not have provided them with any defence" against the much more serious charges of negligence causing death.
Initially, Health Canada and the Crown filed a notice that it would appeal Judge Meagher's ruling.
But on Oct. 10, they filed a Notice of Abandonment of Appeal.
So, it is both ironic and coincidental that "necessity" helped Stephan and Hardy create a product that has saved many and the necessity to save many became their defence from a cold and heartless bureaucracy.
~~~
I wanted to know what was in the stuff, so I took a look.
http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp (http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp)
I didn't see any "drugs", just vits, mins, herbs.
-
Hi Deb.
This is very interesting.
I've wondered how much the typical American (fast food) diet might be contributing to the mental health decline of so many.
I'm not as opposed to meds as I know you are, but I do think this is something to consider and to try. The side effects of the medication are often very negative. The weight gain is beyond belief with many of them - and this alone makes many other problems worse. It is devastating for anyone to find they have gone from a healthy and attractive weight, to balloon up to a hundred pounds, in a matter of months. The raging emotions and the wild behavior might be aleved; but this problem of massive weight gain leads to much aggravated depression; not to mention the health factors such as Heart disease and diabetes. If dangerous and disturbing mental health symptoms can be controlled by the use of vitamins and minerals, I would be among the crowd shouting Hallelujah. That having been said, this also sounds like any other hyper hyped product making claims far beyond what are true. If it is for real, then I hope the studies they quote are actually being done, and that word will spread quickly to the professionals treating these patients.
-
All 3% of the population that has Bipolar Disorder.
Plust 1% with Schizophrenia.
And the tiny percentage of on Borderlines, who by the way,
don't qualify for disability, and their insurance companies won't
pay for their treatment either.
This huge % of the population pisses you off ...
Perhaps it is you that needs to get a life, muddle heat.
Stop your crying and start helping people ... whaa, what too tough a task, easier to bitch?
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> Here's an interesting story that arrived in my mailbox today.
> despite the cocktail of dozens of anti-psychotic drugs she was on
Guiness world record holder for taking dozens of anti-psychotic of the 10 or so that are on the market. Kudos for creative story telling.
> I wanted to know what was in the stuff, so I took a look.
> http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp (http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp)
> I didn't see any "drugs", just vits, mins, herbs.[/quote]
Don't forget all the other cures listed on the internet:
Activator Methods
Acupuncture
ADAM program
Adrenal Cortical Extract (ACE) (GAO report)
Advanced BioStructural Correction
Alexander Method
Alien abduction therapy
Allergies: Dubious Treatment
Alpha-wave therapy
Antibiotic Overuse
Anti-Scoliosis Vibration-Decompression (ASCO-Vibro) Method
Applied kinesiology
Applied kinesiology
Aromatherapy
Art of living therapy
Auditory Integration Training
Aura and Colour Healing
Autohemotherapy
Avacor Hair Care Treatment System
Ayurvedic
Bach Remedies
Bates System of Eye Exercises
Bee Venom Therapy
Bio Energetic Synchronization Technique (B.E.S.T.)
Bio-Electric Field Enhancement (BEFE)
Bioenergetic Medicine
Bioenergetic sensitivity and enzyme therapy (BioSET)
Bioenergetics
Biogeometry (Ibrahim Karim)
Bio-Magnetic Touch Healing
Biorhythms (link to Skeptic's Dictionary)
Biosonic Repatterning
Biosyntony
Biotape
Bioterrain Management System
Blind Spot Mapping
Body Wrapping
Body-image therapy
Brain SuperCharger therapy
Breath work
Buddha Psychotherapy
Cell therapy
Cellular Therapy
Cellulite Removers
Chelation Therapy
Chinese Medicine
Chirodontics
Chiropathy
Chiropractic Biophysics®
Clinical Ecology
Clustered Water
Coffee Enemas
Cold laser therapy
Colon Therapy
Colorpuncture
Consegrity
Contact Reflex Analysis
Coral calcium
Cranial Therapy
Cranio-sacral therapy
Crisis therapy
Crystal therapy
Cymatics
DAN protocol for autism
Deprivation therapy
Detoxification therapy
Dietary Supplements, Herbs, Hormones Index
Doman-Delacato Treatment ("Patterning')
Drown Therapeutic Instrument
Do It Now therapy
Dynatron Therapy
Ear Candling
Electric sleep therapy
Electro-Magnetic Induction Treatment (EMIT) System
Embryonic Stem Cell Transplantation
Emotional Freedom Technique
Empowerplus (link to Health Canada)
Encounter therapy
Energy medicine
Energy Psychotherapy
Environmental medicine
Enzyme Replacement Therapy
Enzyme therapy
Erdman Therapy
Esodynamic therapy
Expectation therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Eye-Related Quackery
Facilitated Communication
Faith Healing
Feeling therapy
Feingold Diet
Field Control Therapy
Floatarium therapy
Future lives therapy
Gentle Wind Project
Gerson Method
Graham Potentializer therapy
Growth Hormone Scams
Hallelujah Diet
HANDLE
Health Kinesiology
Heart Rate Variability measurement and "balancing"
HeartMath
Herbal Minefield
Holistic Dentistry
Holographic Repatterning
Homeopathy
Homeostais Protocol
Human Resonance Wave Therapy
Insulin Potentiation Therapy (IPT)
Integrative Manual Therapy (IMT)
Interactive Light Therapy
Intracellular Hyperthermia
Ion cleansing
IridologyJaffe-Mellor Technique
Juice therapy
Kirlian Energy Emission Analysis
Kosmed Healing System
Life System?
LipostabilMacrobiotics
Magnetic field therapy
Marathon therapy
McLaren Photonic Therapy
Mental Help: Questionable Services
Mercury-Amalgam Toxicity
Mesenchyme
Mesotherapy
Metabolic Therapy
Morter HealthSystem
Multiple Sclerosis "Cures"
Multi-Wave Oscillator
Nambudripad's Allergy Elimination Technique (NAET)
Naprapathy
Naturology
Naturopathy
Neural Organization Technique (NOT)
Neural Therapy
Neuro Emotional Technique (NET)
Neuro-BioEnergetics (NBE)
NeuroCranial Restructuring (NCR)
Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Neurolink
Neuro-Structural Integration Technique (Bowen Therapy)
Neurotherapy
Nude therapy
Nutripuncture
NUTRI-SPEC
Nutritional Supplements for Down Syndrome
Optimal Breathing
Orgone therapy
Ortho-Bionomy
Orthomolecular Therapy
Oxygen therapy
Oxygenation Therapies
Palm therapy
Past Life Therapy
Phenylpropanolamine
Pneumatic Trabeculoplasty
Polarity Therapy
Primal-scream therapy
Prokarin (Procarin)
Prolotherapy (Sclerotherapy):
Psoriasis: Dubious Treatments
Psychomotor Patterning
Psychotherapy Mismanagement
Quantum Xrroid (QXCI)
Radix
Rage reduction therapy
Raindrop therapy
Raw milk
Rebirthing
Reconstructive therapy
Reflexology
Regression
Reiki
Reverse Therapy
Rheotherapy
Rife Frequency Generator
Scenar Therapy
Seaweed therapy
Secretin for Autism
Sedona Method
Sensory Integration for Autism
Silva Method
Snore Formula Tablets (link to FTC site)
Sound therapy
Spinal Cleanse
Spinology
Stabilized Oxygen
Syntonics
The Dawson Program
Therapeutic Touch
Theratec Therapy
Thought Field therapy
Trager bodywork
Tranquilite therapy
Trans-cutaneous Electro-Neural Stimulator therapy
Trepanation
Ultraviolet blood irradiation
Unnecessary Surgery
Urine Therapy
Vax-D Therapy
Vedic vibration
Vegetotherapy
Veterinary Chiropractic
Veterinary NAET
Visceral manipulation
Visual perception training
Visual Training
Voice Technology
Whole Brain Wave Form Synchro-Energizer therapy
Zero balancing
Zoetron Therapy (Cell Specific Cancer Therapy) ? and my own system (a work in progress): Puppy Therapy (Teach Your Dog to Heal).
-
October 22, 2006
Living With Love, Chaos and Haley
By PAM BELLUCK
PLYMOUTH, Mass. ? When Haley Abaspour started seeing things that were not there ? bugs and mice crawling on her parents? bed, imaginary friends sitting next to her on the couch, dead people at a church that housed her preschool ? her parents were unsure what to think. After all, she was a little girl.
?I thought for a long time, ?She?s just gifted,? ? said her father, Bejan Abaspour. ? ?This is good. Don?t worry about it.? ?
But as Haley got older, things got worse. She developed tics ? dolphin squeaks, throat-clearing, clenching her face and body as if moving her bowels. She heard voices, banging, cymbals in her head. She became anxiety-ridden over run-of-the-mill things: ambulance sirens, train rides. Her mood switched suddenly from excitedly chatty to inconsolably distraught.
?It?s like watching ?The Sound of Music? and ?The Exorcist? all at the same time,? Mr. Abaspour said.
For her family, life with Haley, now 10, has been a turbulent stream of symptoms, diagnoses, medications, unrealized expectations. Diagnosed as a combination of bipolar disorder with psychotic features, obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and Tourette?s syndrome, her illness dominates every moment, every relationship, every decision.
Haley?s fears, moods and obsessions seep into her family?s most pedestrian routines ? dinnertime, bedtime, getting ready for school. Excruciating worries permeate her parents? sleep; unanswerable questions end in frustrated hopes.
?The first time we took Haley to the hospital, I guess I expected that they would put it all back together,? said her mother, Christine Abaspour. ?But it?s never all back together.?
At least six million American children have difficulties that are diagnosed as serious mental disorders, according to government surveys ? a number that has tripled since the early 1990?s. Most are treated with psychiatric medications and therapy. The children sometimes attend special schools.
But while these measures can help, they often do not help enough, and the families of such children are left on their own to sort through a cacophony of conflicting advice.
The illness, and sometimes the treatment, can strain marriages, jobs, finances. Parents must monitor medications, navigate therapy sessions, arrange special school services. Some families must switch neighborhoods or schools to escape unhealthy situations or to find support and services. Some keep friends and relatives away.
Parents can feel guilt, anger, helplessness. Siblings can feel neglected, resentful or pressure to be problem-free themselves.
?It kind of ricochets to other family members,? said Dr. Robert L. Hendren, president-elect of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. ?I see so many parents who just hurt badly for their children and then, in a sense, start hurting for themselves.?
Ms. Abaspour, 39, struggles to master the details of Haley?s illness, to answer her obsessive questions, to keep her occupied. Mr. Abaspour, 50, who long believed that ?Haley was going to grow out of it,? has been gripped by anxious thoughts and intrusive images that rattle him to tears on the hourlong commute to his job as an anesthesia engineer at a Boston hospital. He imagines people being crushed by trucks, someone hurting Haley, his own death.
Haley?s sister, Megan, 13, has been so focused on Haley and determined not to add to her family?s burden that in June, after a quarrel with her parents, she tied a T-shirt around her neck in a suicidal gesture.
?I feel like she gets all the problems and I feel like I have to take some of that off of her,? Megan said. ?It?s really difficult a lot to try to stay away from babying her and helping her. I try to stay still but it just hurts, it hurts inside.?
Haley, with her shy smile and obsidian eyes, is increasingly aware of her own problems, although she cannot always express exactly what is going on inside. ?My mind says I need some help? is the way she explained it recently.
Her illness has caused great financial strain; although the Abaspours have health insurance, they have been forced to draw on their savings and lean heavily on their credit cards for living expenses. Still, they have bought a trailer in a New Hampshire campground because there Haley finds occasional solace, and relatives nearby understand the family?s ordeal.
The family wrestles with deciding whom to tell about Haley?s illness, and what to say. Her worst symptoms are most visible at home and less apparent at the public school and the state-financed therapeutic after-school program she attends. Her parents say she works hard to hold herself together during the day and then later, feeling more comfortable with her family, falls apart.
This disparity in behavior is not uncommon, said Dr. Joseph A. Jackson IV, Haley?s psychiatrist, and ?parents often get the brunt.?
Because of the contrast in Haley?s public and private behavior, her parents are wary of telling people that she is mentally ill, as they might not notice.
?I don?t want anybody to pity her,? Mr. Abaspour said. But they also get frustrated when teachers or relatives play down the seriousness of Haley?s illness, or conclude that she is being manipulative or that another child-rearing approach would help.
In the middle of last year, for example, a teacher did not understand Haley?s need to leave the classroom to quiet the voices or relieve anxiety. Haley grew so frustrated that she ?would sit there in her chair and cry,? her father said. The parents pressed school officials to switch her to another class.
?We?re sick and tired of trying to prove it to people,? Ms. Abaspour said.
Her husband added, ?Everybody thinks they have the solution. When Joe Schmo comes over for a drink, he says, ?Try this, this will work.? No, it won?t.?
A Puzzle Emerges
From birth, it was clear that ?I was dealing with something different,? Ms. Abaspour said. Displaying a photo album with picture after picture of Megan all smiles and Haley ?crying, crying, crying,? she added, ?We just thought we had a very difficult child.?
Yet exactly what was wrong puzzled them for years, and even now, Ms. Abaspour said, ?Every day it?s something new, I swear.?
While increasing awareness of childhood mental illness has helped many children and families, it can also create a misimpression that everything can be treated, said Dr. Glen R. Elliott, chief psychiatrist at the Children?s Health Council, a community mental health service in Palo Alto, Calif., and the author of ?Medicating Young Minds: How to Know if Psychiatric Drugs Will Help or Hurt Your Child.? That can make families with complex cases feel ?either genuine confusion or pretend certainty,? Dr. Elliott said.
The Abaspours decided to speak with a reporter about Haley?s illness and its impact on their family because they hoped it would help other families and make society more hospitable for children like their daughter. Talking about it was sometimes emotional, especially for Mr. Abaspour, whose eyes often clouded with tears. But they also said they found it useful to articulate their feelings.
Visions and Voices
When Haley was 3 or 4, a pediatrician blamed tonsillitis-induced sleep apnea, predicting that after her tonsils were removed, ? ?you?ll see a totally different child,? ? Ms. Abaspour recalled.
?We thought, ?This is what is wrong with our child. This is our answer,? ? she said. Preschool teachers suggested a learning disability. Later, Haley repeated first grade. The Abaspours consulted therapists about the visions of friends in the liner of the family?s pool and riding with Haley on her bike, and the voices criticizing her or telling her to touch a certain table. When a neurologist ruled out medical causes like Lyme disease, Ms. Abaspour recalled, her husband said, ?I think we should just give her a placebo ? it?s all in her head.?
They got a cat, ?though we weren?t cat people,? Ms. Abaspour said. Then they got another because the first was ?not the type of cat that Haley could throw over her shoulder and squeeze.?
New symptoms kept emerging. For a while, when she was about 7, the voices ?were telling her she was a boy,? Ms. Abaspour said. ?She had to constantly prove to them that she wasn?t.?
Haley became obsessed with penises, which she called ?bums.? She claimed to see them though she was looking at fully clothed men and boys, her mother said. ?Then she felt guilty. She would come up to me and whisper, ?I saw his bum, I saw his bum.? The bus driver or the little boy, anyone. It was constant.?
To halt the whispering, Ms. Abaspour suggested that they share a private signal: Haley could flash a thumbs-up after a sighting. Haley also seemed preoccupied with death, and on a highway would say that voices told her, ?If that license plate didn?t say such and such, she was going to die,? her mother said.
Once, Mr. Abaspour recalled, Haley ?kept yelling that she wants to start over.?
When she was almost 8, Haley visited Dr. Jackson at his office at the Cambridge Health Alliance. He was struck by the results of a screening: Haley met full criteria for virtually every mental disorder listed.
?Her symptoms,? he said, ?suggested anxiety, morbid thoughts, obsessions possibly of a sexual nature, frequent fluctuations in mood, periods of euphoria, giddiness, irritability, rapid speech, auditory and visual hallucinations, thought disorganization, vocal tics, distractibility, poor socialization in school, sensory integration issues, attention impulse disorder, manic behavior, sleep disturbance.?
Dr. Jackson wondered if the voices and the friends, which Haley told him were ?nowhere but everywhere,? were schizophrenic-like hallucinations or milder thought distortions.
He also saw Haley?s mood swing from anxiety about a ?disturbing dream in which her mother was killed? to euphoria, as she gleefully drew a large, brightly colored butterfly and a self-portrait with a too-big smile and a skirt that ballooned as if she were floating. The pictures, he said, ?scream? manic sensibility, suggesting bipolar disorder.
Dr. Jackson prescribed an antipsychotic, Risperdal, one of a dozen drugs Haley would try. Some helped initially, but the voices returned or side effects developed.
Huge pills or bad-tasting liquid made Haley gag or throw fits.
?It was horrible, horrible, horrible,? her mother said, ?and she?d pull us into it because we had to make her take it.?
Lithium caused weight gain: clothes that fit her one day no longer did the next.
When Haley was 81/2, Mr. Abaspour said, ?Let?s drop all of these medications and see what happens.? He said, ?I wanted to see her true self.?
The results chastened them. ?You see her fine one day,? Mr. Abaspour said. ?The second day comes and she?s fine and you say, ?You see, honey, there?s nothing wrong with her.? Then it?s the third day and she goes crazy and you feel like an idiot.?
Haley resumed taking Risperdal. Then, abruptly, her condition worsened.
?She couldn?t function, she couldn?t go to school,? said Ms. Abaspour, who took Haley to a hospital; she had to handle the crisis with her husband away in London.
In the emergency room, Haley was manic and hyperarticulate, Ms. Abaspour recalled. ?I was a basket case.?
When Mr. Abaspour returned and saw Haley ?like a zombie? in a hospital full of out-of-control children, his first reaction was, ?She can?t be in here.?
But the eight-day hospital stay made him grasp the severity of her illness.
?You look at an X-ray and you say it?s a fracture,? he said. ?But this thing. ... Before then, there wasn?t solid evidence.?
A year later, school halls ?would get scary because the voices would get louder,? so Haley constantly visited the school?s nurse and psychologist, her mother said. ?She was going out of her mind.?
Haley was hospitalized again, and another antipsychotic drug, Abilify, muffled the voices.
?I remember thinking, ?Am I supposed to be happy about this?,? ? Ms. Abaspour said. She was grateful that something helped but distressed at the suggestion that Haley was psychotic. The Abilify has not soothed Haley?s anxiety or stopped her outbursts. And despite increases in the dosage, back are the voices (four boys and a girl), the tics (eye squinting and hand clenching) and the ?bums.?
Dr. Jackson, her psychiatrist, said Haley?s biggest asset was her ?very caring family? that was ?seeking ways to shore themselves up? to better help her.
Ms. Abaspour said: ?We ask ourselves sometimes, ?Why? Why did it happen to us?? Other times we see a child bald, going through chemotherapy. That?s the thing about this ? it?s on the inside, you can?t see it.?
Megan?s Heartache
I pretend no one is around me when my sister is there.
I feel a constant hurt inside.
I touch a rainbow of joyfulness in my mind when my sister and I are FINALLY having a fun laugh together.
I worry that when one day I die, I won?t be there to help my sister.
I cry to the stars, pleading them to take me away from this madness at mind.
Megan?s sixth-grade writing assignment was to write a poem called ?I Am.?
Virtually every line was about Haley.
Megan wrote of love, frustration, obligation, pain, embarrassment. Eighteen months later, those feelings erupted.
Told to do dishes before calling a friend, Megan felt that the chore should be Haley?s and stormed to her room. When her father said it was Megan?s responsibility, ?I really got mad and slammed the door,? she recalled. ?He came and ripped my phone right out of the wall.?
That was unusual for Mr. Abaspour, usually gentle or quietly humorous.
?I tried not to say something that would hurt her,? he said. ?And definitely not to touch her. So I took it out on the phone.?
Megan said her reaction was, ?Why should I live??
?I took a T-shirt and I put it around my neck,? she said. ?Then I said, ?No I shouldn?t do this. I want to live but I don?t know another way out.? ?
Siblings of mentally ill children often have such feelings, experts said.
Ten days of treatment helped Megan understand that ?I felt pretty much like I was another mom for Haley,? she said.
The Abaspours, who always gave Megan positive attention, were stunned. But Ms. Abaspour said she might have unconsciously been relieved that Megan could get Haley to laugh, or in other ways ?take a little attention off me.?
For Megan, a doctor prescribed Prozac, but she became edgy and the suicidal thoughts continued.
?When I?m doing dishes and I see a knife there, my mind?s like, ?Pick up the knife and kill yourself,? ? Megan said. ?I kind of just think, ?Would things be easier without me?? ?
Now she has stopped taking medication and is seeing a psychiatrist. Her parents are encouraging her to focus more on herself. She realizes, she said, ?I?m important.?
Still, trying not to help Haley is hard. ?I don?t really feel the pain that she feels,? Megan said, ?but I feel that I should to make it even between us.?
Haley?s mother calls it ?the ongoing search? ? Haley?s obsessive quest for novelty and for objects to hold or to stroke over her touch-sensitive skin.
?I need something to calm me down so I can learn how to end my frustration,? Haley said. ?I just get, like, sometimes, mad. I need to, like, hold it or hug it or just play with it.?
She and her family search through stores, scavenge through her crawlspace storage area and her bedroom full of Beanie Babies, toy cars, dolls. Megan said she sometimes offered her own belongings for Haley, thinking, ?if I get excited about it she?ll decide it?s the right thing.?
But, Ms. Abaspour said, ?she?s never satisfied.? Because her parents sometimes brush the hair on her arm with a surgical brush from Mr. Abaspour?s hospital, the family?s therapist recently suggested getting a soft lambskin.
Haley fixated on buying one, always asking as if it were a new thought: ?Oh my God, you know what just came to mind? If I get that animal fur.... ?
Megan found her a faux shearling vest to stroke instead, but Haley exploded.
?I wanted Megan to find something like that animal fur,? she wailed, convulsing and weeping.
Anguished as he watched her, Mr. Abaspour said: ?This is the point of no return. She?ll scream and cry and kick. If the neighbors could hear, they would think we were abusing the kid.?
Haley refuses to be consoled or touched, all the while saying, ?Please help me, please make it stop, please make it go away,? her mother said. The Abaspours look on helplessly or send her to another room.
Haley?s eruptions, often 20 minutes long, occur almost daily, especially in the evenings. They often begin with Haley revved up.
Before the lambskin incident, for example, she marched around, chatting giddily about camp: ?Today, today, today, we, um, instead of two periods of the game thingies, they call it sessions, periods, each session or whatever, we went to the picnic tables and we all went to the picnic tables and it was really fun.?
Haley?s parents struggled to track her unspooling sentences and scrambled thoughts.
?Did you follow the bouncing ball?? Ms. Abaspour asked her husband, who replied, ?I don?t even see the ball, honey.?
Haley sighs, frowns and fidgets, eyes drooping before she falls apart. Sometimes she hyperventilates or crawls under a table. It always ends with crying, but sometimes she will start to laugh through her tears, becoming ?all chipper again, like manic,? Mr. Abaspour said.
Adds Ms. Abaspour: Later, ?she says, ?I?m sorry, I?m sorry,? apologizing for who she is.? Her father said: ?It?s not like a hurt that you can kiss better. It comes from within, and she doesn?t know why, and you can?t do anything about it.?
A Mother?s Stoicism
Christine Abaspour, the youngest of four girls raised by a divorced mother, knew what she wanted early in life. At 19, she left Massachusetts, joined a sister in Florida and became a waitress. At 25, she met her husband-to-be, who was 11 years older. She was engaged in two weeks, married in nine months and a mother a year later.
?We both wanted to have children right away, like you wouldn?t believe,? she recalled.
Ms. Abaspour said that she had no regrets, and that Haley ?was given to us for some reason, and I keep waiting for the day when I realize why.?
Still, the experience has tested her stamina, and she avoids capitulating to Haley?s whims and outbursts by imposing structure, consistency, even distance.
?I?m her mother,? Ms. Abaspour said. ?I try to make it a better world for her, a more comfortable world. I stay very strong for her and very encouraging for her. If she comes out of a meltdown, I?ll say, ?I knew that you could.? I don?t make her feel totally hopeless. It doesn?t give me any satisfaction, though, because I still feel helpless. Unfortunately it just bites you in the face all day long.?
Ms. Abaspour?s stoic approach, which her husband appreciates but cannot always emulate, is ?a good coping skill for parents,? Dr. Elliott, of the Children?s Health Council, said. "It?s what happens to a family system when you?ve got a source of chaos in the middle of it.?
After getting Haley ready for school, Ms. Abaspour feels she has already lived an entire day. In the afternoon, ?Haley walks in the door and I just want to hold her and give her a big kiss like most kids,? Ms. Abaspour said. ?Instead I get a frown and tears and ?Ooh, I had such a stressful day.? ?
She said that every evening, a distraught Haley will ?say to me her same 12 questions: ?What?s going to happen when I need to go to school and I can?t leave the classroom?? or ?What do I have to look forward to today?? ?
To slake Haley?s thirst for ?something to do,? Ms. Abaspour keeps her involved in activities outside of school. Otherwise, the family ends up stopping for ice cream or concocting other outings, because unstructured time allows Haley to focus on the voices and anxiety. ?Staying home is not an option,? Ms. Abaspour said. ?Honestly I could not keep her busy. Sometimes being around here on a Saturday or Sunday, it?s almost toxic. She has multiple episodes ? it?s like living hell.?
Haley?s fears of noises, crowded streets and surprises force the Abaspours to forgo amusement parks, apple picking or other traditional family activities. When relatives visit ?and you think it?s going to be relaxing and we?ll watch movies and eat popcorn ? that doesn?t happen in this family,? Ms. Abaspour said.
Instead, there are mood cycles, as when Haley marched around announcing, ?I?m going to make a really great art project,? then fell apart, wailing, ?I don?t know what to do.?
Ms. Abaspour stays unflustered. When Haley bawled, ?I don?t have any markers,? her mother replied, ?Oh, don?t tell me you don?t have,? and ?I?m not looking for them.?
But she found Haley a T-shirt to cut up and draw on, saying, ?If I can get her to do that kind of chop, chop, chop, mark, mark, mark, it kind of brings her back.?
Ms. Abaspour said she had watched ?everyone else in the family rush over to her, and I won?t become a part of that. I make her be responsible for her own feelings because I can?t be responsible for those. You still have to be a regular parent. Honestly, she has to learn to soothe herself.?
But Ms. Abaspour doggedly monitors Haley?s progress. This summer, she visited Haley at day camp and was dismayed that the child frequently declined to participate, asking for the nurse.
Sitting out the swim period one day, Haley, wearing a ?Keep It Cool? T-shirt, listed her feelings on a worksheet: ?stressed, axxouis, sick, shacky.?
At lunch, she mostly licked salt off pretzels. Asked to choose a word-card matching her emotions, she picked ?overwhelmed.?
Ms. Abaspour worries that as Haley becomes a teenager, her poor social skills might get her ?mixed up with the wrong kids? or lead her to use illegal drugs. So she arranges play dates, but if friends are unavailable ?it?s the end of the world,? she said. If they are available, she said, Haley anxiously asks, ?What do I say, Mommy??
Ms. Abaspour was recently laid off from a medical assistant?s job. Her former co-workers understood her obligations, she said, and ?didn?t look at me and say, ?Her child?s crazy.? ? Now she fears she will not find an employer who is as tolerant, though the family needs the income. Haley?s illness, the Abaspours were dismayed to discover, does not qualify for disability assistance.
In August, Ms. Abaspour arranged an elaborate 50th-birthday surprise party for her husband. They were ?not always on the same page? about Haley at first, she said, but their strong marriage helps her handle the strain.
So do bright spots, she said, like the day Haley ?really kissed me.?
Still, she can get overwhelmed.
Sometimes she bolts awake at night, but she declines medication.
?I can?t climb in a shell and stay there forever,? she said, ?although it seems like some days where I?d want to be.?
A Father?s Anxiety
As a young man, Bejan Abaspour worried, especially about family.
Twenty years ago, for example, when his sister?s son was born, ?I pictured my nephew getting Super Glue in his eyes and I was calling my sister saying, ?Make sure you keep Super Glue away from him.? ?
But the worries were not that intense ? until Haley?s illness. After that, the intrusive thoughts and images got worse, horrific scenes in which he imagines himself as bystander or thwarted rescuer. ?I?ll be driving next to a semi tractor-trailer truck and all of a sudden I will picture someone getting crushed by the wheel,? he said. ?It?s usually an older lady or a kid. You get them out from under the truck, but it doesn?t stop. I?m in the emergency room, trying to help. I?m at the funeral. Then very easily, the tears come.?
Mr. Abaspour said he sometimes pictured Haley ?getting lost somewhere, or someone?s going to hurt her. I?m involved and trying to get the guy who did it to stop. Sometimes I kill him. Sometimes it doesn?t get that far.?
Other times, he said, he imagines his death, seeing his family ?at the funeral home and I?m laying there. I try to see what?s going on at home, how Meggie?s reacting to my death, how Haley?s reacting, what Christine is going through.?
He rehashes things Haley has said, like wanting to ?start over? or her question: ?When I get really old, can I come back home? Will you be there??
He wonders if his worrying laid genetic groundwork for Haley?s illness, "if I?m the cause of what Haley?s going through.?
Until recently, Mr. Abaspour, who also has trouble sleeping, told no one about his agonizing thoughts, not even his wife.
?I didn?t want to burden her,? he said. ?I can handle it. So what if I?m driving to work and I cry? So what if I only sleep for four hours??
But last spring, the family?s therapist noticed ?I had certain problems,? he recalled. She encouraged him to tell his wife whenever he had disturbing thoughts. Mr. Abaspour said he hoped that confronting his own anxiety would help ?get to the bottom of what Haley?s going through.?
He added, ?It doesn?t matter for me, but for Haley.?
Families once kept illnesses like Haley?s secret, afraid of being shunned or disparaged.
Public acceptance has grown, but some misperceptions and prejudice remain, and families feel conflicted: they want people to understand so the child can get appropriate help, but they also fear that Haley will be mocked or ostracized.
?If they keep it a secret then they?re bad parents,? Dr. Elliott said. ?If they start spewing diagnoses, they?re subject to criticism because they?re not taking responsibility, just laying it on the illness. Or they?re social pariahs because there are some people who think that mental illness is contagious.?
Like other families, the Abaspours sometimes hesitate to publicly label their daughter mentally ill. But they also want people to know, and they get frustrated if people do not fully accept or understand it, or see her symptoms ?as a manipulative thing, or they feel like they can fix it themselves, maybe by distracting her,? Ms. Abaspour said.
Her own family now understands and is very supportive, but it took some convincing, she said.
?My mother would say, ?She?ll be fine, she?ll be fine, there?s nothing wrong with her,? ? Ms. Abaspour said. ?My sister says, ?Well, she didn?t act like that when she was over here.? ?
Mr. Abaspour has not told most of his family, who live in England, because they might worry excessively or not understand.
He told his sister, but ?she was like I was when I first encountered the situation ? disbelief or denial,? he said. His sister, he said, has not told her husband or her 20-year-old son, which created an odd atmosphere when they visited the Abaspours in August. "When Haley did have one of her little episodes, they were all like, ?oh, oh,? and they wondered why we weren?t running over to her,? Ms. Abaspour said. ?I would like to talk to them more about it. If she had diabetes, they?d know she had diabetes.?
When, after reading a book for children with bipolar disorder, Haley said, ?I can?t wait to go to school and tell everybody I?m bipolar,? the Abaspours were torn.
They discouraged her from announcing the diagnosis. But Haley did tell her classmates, ? ?I have a lot of noise going on in my head and sometimes I feel anxious and sometimes I have to take a walk.? ?
Some day, the Abaspours hope, Haley will have more effective drugs and better coping skills, and society will be more tolerant, so she can lead an independent life. But they have no illusions.
?This is not going away," Ms. Abaspour said. Not for Haley or her family. ?The overflow of what Haley has is what has made all of us what we are today.?
Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company
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> despite the cocktail of dozens of anti-psychotic drugs she was on
MEDICATIONS APPENDIX
ANTIPSYCHOTICS
Trade Names
Abilify
Zyprexa
Seroquel
Risperdal
Geodon
Haldol
Mellaril
Thioridazine
Stelazine
Trifluoperazine
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///And the tiny percentage of on Borderlines, who by the way,
don't qualify for disability, and their insurance companies won't
pay for their treatment either. ///
This is not true, I know several BPD patients who are on a mental Health disability. It IS true many BPD's do not need disability. Many are high functioning and actually hold high level employment. But others are disabled by the disorder and they do qualify. That being said, applying for disability is not an easy process and most applicants are turned down on their first try. If the patient needs disability, they will almost certainly need a family members help with the process.
Also, know this - once you apply the payment tally begins - so that if it takes them a year to approve the disability - they will get a years back pay - and this can be helpful in helping them get set up in a little apartment somewhere. Also - many cities have nice housing set aside for the mentally ill - and it can be quite nice - and it is always very cheep. Check with your local department of health. They should be able to tell you who to call. If you have a listing for mental health, state there. Also check with the local housing authority. You'll probably have to spend an afternoon on the phone, tracking down the correct department - but it might be well worth the effort. If your city has this kind of housing,there will be a long waiting list, so don't wait if you think you *might* want to take advantage of this housing.
If an insurance company with mental Health benefits denies a BPD patient coverage -- appeal that - and report it to your insurance commissioner's office. Be prepared with articles and pertinent books on the subject of treating this disorder. You must educate yourself, b/c You need to make the case that it can in fact be treated with success. Your therapist should be able to help with this.
One last thing - people will lie to you. Do not assume they are being truthful or that they know what they are talking about. Again - educate yourself, so that you can see through the bull shit when they hit you in the face with it - b/c they will.
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One more thing - if it is legal in your state, record all conversations with insurance reps; as well as doctors offices; and even school personal. This can be very helpful when disputing a charge; or proving unethical treatment of a client by an insurance company or school personnel.. Believe me - it can be very gratifying, as well as effective, to be able to say: You did to tell me - fill in the blank - and I have it on tape.
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One more thing - if it is legal in your state, record all conversations with insurance reps; as well as doctors offices; and even school personal. This can be very helpful when disputing a charge; or proving unethical treatment of a client by an insurance company or school personnel.. Believe me - it can be very gratifying, as well as effective, to be able to say: You did to tell me - fill in the blank - and I have it on tape.
Thanks for your two posts of advice!
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All 3% of the population that has Bipolar Disorder.
Plust 1% with Schizophrenia.
And the tiny percentage of on Borderlines, who by the way,
don't qualify for disability, and their insurance companies won't
pay for their treatment either.
This huge % of the population pisses you off ...
Perhaps it is you that needs to get a life, muddle heat.
Stop your crying and start helping people ... whaa, what too tough a task, easier to bitch?
There's no helping someone that constantly uses their supposed disorder to be a dick.
I'm not the one who's crying. I'm sick of them whining about their disorder, disease, syndrome, addiction and how nobody wants to help them. Quit whining, start attempting to help yourself and maybe people would respond a little more favorably. Mark Foley took about 6 seconds to invoke the 'I'm an alcoholic' excuse. Same with Patrick Kennedy but he threw in depression for good measure too. Pedophiles cry about how they were abused as kids. Fuckheads who beat their wives are slapped with some sort of personality disorder and sent to anger management. I'm sick and fucking tired of people trying to pawn their behavior off on their 'illness'. Again, I think, and as you posted, the percentage of people who actually suffer from these supposed illnesses is infantesimally small. Most of them are just assholes who got caught being an asshole and are now crying about how it's not really them, it's the disease. Give me a fucking break.
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> Again, I think, and as you posted, the percentage of people who
> actually suffer from these supposed illnesses is infantesimally small. > Most of them are just assholes who got caught being an asshole
> and are now crying about how it's not really them, it's the disease.
> Give me a fucking break.
Oh, sorry to slow on the uptake. Yes, I agree with you, that those
that feign mental illness deprive those that are sick the respect and opportunity for help in able to recover.
Good point, thanks!
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There's another class of mis-dx. What about external control? Someone who has no real pathology but who just consistenly resists control by said family and loved ones. That describes just about every kid ever placed in any of these scam programs.
Drug addiction worked pretty well as a cover all dx in the `70's and `80's, what with Nixon's war on drugs, the Summer of Manson and the Betty Ford Clinic and all that propaganda. We weren't addicts. We were just teenagers who's parents couldn't cut it. Now it's ODD; if a kid is at odds with their parent or other authority figures, why they must be disordered, right? Couldn't possibly be that the people in charge are being unreasonable, could it?
No, that would be messy and complicated and require some humility. It's just far, far easier to cloister oneself among sympathetic others and pathologize the victim.
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/// Couldn't possibly be that the people in charge are being unreasonable, could it? ///
It could be. It often is. A good family therapist can figure this out pretty quickly. In fact, in my experience, it is usually assumed to be something along those lines, and there is a lot of focus on the parents and what is going on in the home to create the problems.
But sometimes, and increasingly so, the child / teen is in fact suffering a true and diagnosable mental illness.
There is in fact such a massive surge in seriously ill teens and children that there is talk of a hidden epidemic. No one wants to acknowledge it b/c no one can explain it. But there is no doubt the numbers have exploded and the patients are truly ill.
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There is in fact such a massive surge in seriously ill teens and children that there is talk of a hidden epidemic. No one wants to acknowledge it b/c no one can explain it. But there is no doubt the numbers have exploded and the patients are truly ill.
Not ill, just distressed.
Any little boy who acts like a little boy (or the way we used to expect little boys to behave) is now labeled ADD/ADHD or ODD or some such. That hurts! They're not furniture, they can hear and understand as their parents and other adults talk about them, even introduce them, as a problem. I've seen it again and again. First time I met one kid, his parents and good family friend told me, right off the bat, about his bed wetting problem. :o I wanted to pimp slap all of them in a row Shemp style. Nother great kid who's dosed up on poten amphetamines most of the time these days. Same thing. If you meet her mother, before you hear anything about the kid's artistic abilities and genius at taking apart and putting together just about anything she finds, you'll hear that she's impossible, possibly autistic, troubled and troubling. I've never had a minute's trouble with this kid. But then I've never humiliated her by complaining to strangers about what a problem she is right in front of her.
How do you think that sort of treatment effects a person over years? You think maybe, possibly, all this pathologizing and labeling might have some effect on the subjects?
I think maybe, possibly, kids are coming into this world pretty much the same as they have for thousands of years and maybe, just possibly, there's something different about the way we treat and view them.
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> Here's an interesting story that arrived in my mailbox today.
> despite the cocktail of dozens of anti-psychotic drugs she was on
Guiness world record holder for taking dozens of anti-psychotic of the 10 or so that are on the market. Kudos for creative story telling.
> I wanted to know what was in the stuff, so I took a look.
> http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp (http://www.truehope.com/_empowerplus/empIngredients.asp)
> I didn't see any "drugs", just vits, mins, herbs.
Oh come on!!! Ya know Deb, I'm on your side with most of the shit that gets spewed around here (no, tha's not saying that what you post is shit......you're the exception even when I disagree with you..... but......DAMN). I think almost ALL the psych/pharma dxs are full of shit MOST of them. Here you seem to be picking out an instance that is arguably (sp?) an asshole for a Dr. Not all psyche drugs are bad. Most of them are for most of the people prescribed the shit, but you CANNOT deny that there is a certain percentage of the population (however small......and I mean SMALL) that is..that does require medication.
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Oh come on!!! Ya know Deb, I'm on your side with most of the shit that gets spewed around here (no, tha's not saying that what you post is shit......you're the exception even when I disagree with you..... but......DAMN). I think almost ALL the psych/pharma dxs are full of shit MOST of them. Here you seem to be picking out an instance that is arguably (sp?) an asshole for a Dr. Not all psyche drugs are bad. Most of them are for most of the people prescribed the shit, but you CANNOT deny that there is a certain percentage of the population (however small......and I mean SMALL) that is..that does require medication.
I may have posted in the wrong forum or thread......I can't tell and am in no mood to try and figure it out.. If so, apologies profuseley (sp?).........if not, well then, fuck you and everything stands.
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but you CANNOT deny that there is a certain percentage of the population (however small......and I mean SMALL) that is..that does require medication.
The US peak of institutionalized psychiatric care was 560,000 patients.
Today it is about 56,000, and going down.
I don't know the total increase in jailed mentally ill since de-institutionalization, but it is in the news quite a bit these days.
Fifty years ago a family member could be ill, but at home a family secret, but that doesn't seem to be common these days.
So what if 25 million are taking psych drugs, if you don't need them, then leave the others alone. Frankly it is no one's business but the patient and their doctor. Perhaps the insurance company too. For children, it is the parents business also, of course.
But really, why bitch so much about meds if so many are working now?
Why care so obsessively on this meds or not topic?
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but you CANNOT deny that there is a certain percentage of the population (however small......and I mean SMALL) that is..that does require medication.
The US peak of institutionalized psychiatric care was 560,000 patients.
Today it is about 56,000, and going down.
I don't know the total increase in jailed mentally ill since de-institutionalization, but it is in the news quite a bit these days.
Fifty years ago a family member could be ill, but at home a family secret, but that doesn't seem to be common these days.
So what if 25 million are taking psych drugs, if you don't need them, then leave the others alone. Frankly it is no one's business but the patient and their doctor. Perhaps the insurance company too. For children, it is the parents business also, of course.
But really, why bitch so much about meds if so many are working now?
Why care so obsessively on this meds or not topic?
*Sponsored by N.A.M.I.