Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: dragonfly on September 18, 2005, 12:19:00 PM
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Damn I thought I had bad moments as I started to "wake up"! Just reading it messed with my head a little! Sounds like that was one hell of a bad deprogramming memory for you. :sad:
On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:
"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death. Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me. So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight."
The unraveling/deprogramming reminded me a lot of the first few weeks of Straight's programming for me...in the sense of all the self doubt and confusion suddenly thrust upon me.
The confusion in my mind of incorrectly separating the "truth" from the "lies" while slowly becoming brainwashed led me to a false "happy" existence.
But after Straight, the confusion of trying separate the REAL truth from the programming lies seemed to take longer and led me down a long path of self destruction to run from the reality of the brainwashing lies. For me as I came unraveled I think I erected a kind of fortress by refusing to think much about the specifics of Straight to protect myself.
"I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous."
What you say here makes sense but for me...its a toss up which was worse. Of course right now feels like another period of damaging deprogramming, so maybe afterward is actually worse. Either way, the entire brainwashing & deprogramming process is terribly destructive.
After my dramatic post straight ordreal.... I spent most of my time suppressing those deprogramming realizations. I had many surreal moments at concerts or as a barfly, similar yet less dramatic than the one you described, where the truth just hit me at the oddest times and I would notice how screwed up my mind was compared to everyone I knew (deprogramming). I'm sure I promptly headed for the bar for another drink when those moments happened, just so I would feel more normal and less like a complete freak. I was unraveling and building a fortress at the same time.
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I find them terrifying.
The sadist cannot stand the separation of the public and the private; nor can he grant to others the mystery of their personality, the validity of their inner self...in order for him to feel his maximum power, he wants the world to be peopled with concrete manipulatable objects...
-- ERNEST BECKER, The Structure of Evil, 1968.
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i remember that night. Sorry brother, we were all fucked up 'n' freakin' out. It was a real hard time.
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You mean, you haven't seen them, then?
http://www.rawilson.com/illuminatus.html#fnord (http://www.rawilson.com/illuminatus.html#fnord)Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/ ... miamithem' (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/040303082X/circlofmiamithem') target='_new'>H. G. Wells
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I can't recomend the book highly enought. Who needs acid when ya' got RAW?
"...In general, it's just an overall sign in America that there doesn't seem to be as much respect for authority figures, and that's a bad trend. It just strikes me that people can say whatever they want to and get away with it, and that's not good."
--But David Murrell, exec. dir. of the Florida Police Benevolent Association
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On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:
"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death. Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me. So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight.
I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous.
I want to describe my own introduction into the monkey house. I had come home for Christmas vacation and on New Years night (I think) I went to hear the Jello Boys playing at Wilmur?s Park in MD. I was with Pirate, his ever-so-sexy girlfriend from straight and Nick Dor***, also from straight. Standing there listening to the good music, Jeff Gold**rg, from straight came up and asked if I wanted to trip, I said yes, he put something on my tongue. I felt no physical effects though. Sometime later though, Nick was staring at me with a worried look. My arms had gone stiff and I was sort of frozen. I began noticing that the band was not really playing the music, the guitar player was also staring at me and constantly pushing up his glasses, but the guitar music kept going even when his hand was away from the guitar. He was looking paranoid, I assumed it was because I had noticed that they were lip sync-ing the music. Nick took pity on me and convinced me to step outside for some herb, he said it was to mellow me out. I could tell he was disappointed that I had noticed the band faking it.
We went back in, watching the fake band, watching the psychedelic light show. Eventually the show was over and the lights came on. The fluorescent lights. Suddenly I noticed that easily half of the people at the show I recognized from straight. Almost all of them were wearing Chuck Taylor tennis shoes, worn blue jeans and tie-dyes from the same shirt maker. The new dress code. Beige linoleum floor, no windows, drop ceiling, fluorescent lights, we were obviously still in straight. Up front instead of staff we had a band faking Grateful Dead music. Here we were thinking we were so cool and rebellious and free and yet we had recreated straight unawares, or someone had. At this point, Pirate, his sweetie, and Nick noticed that I had caught on and ushered me to the car.
They told me to chill. I told them that I had seen that we were still in straight. Pirate?s girlfriend was driving, she began screaming at me, telling me that we were not in straight. She obviously was not pleased that I had caught on. At that point I began to suspect that she was somehow going to be started over as a result of my realization, that it must have been up to her to prevent me from noticing the new straight. She must have been an oldcomer, maybe she was my oldcomer. Any way, she had aleady notified staff, I could tell because the highway had been emptied of other cars. The new straight must have had direct affiliations with the police. They had closed the highways because they did not want me to stop other motorist and notify them of the horrible reality that they too were involved in straight, that straight had seeped into the outside world, that without knowing it they were going through their phases, earning the equivalent of Talk, T and R, permissions, 5th phase, even graduating from a program they had no idea existed. My realizing this was obviously going to be a National Disaster. I expected to be taken to the White House to be re-programed by the CIA.
I asked them where they were taking me, there was no answer. ?WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?? I was getting a little distraught by now. Pirates girlfriend screamed at me to shut up the whole way back to their apartment. Nick again insisted that I smoke with him. Pirate had retreated to his bedroom. Nick and I settled into watching TV, the show was a long drawn out appeal for money by a Christian evangelist. My howls at the TV must have finally pushed Pirate over the edge, he came out in tears (he had had 3 hits) and asked me to quiet down, said he was so worried about me that he was sick to his stomach. I saw then how impractical my realization was. To tell people about their sub-conscious involvement with straight only served to upset them, and at the same time I could not keep quiet about it. The compassionate thing seemed to be suicide at that point. I think I must have mentioned this to Nick, because he took the razor blades I had in my pocket, (I was working as a window cleaner at the time) and sat up with me the rest of the night. Thanks Nick.
I would never wish that experience on anyone, at the same time I am so grateful to have had it. Also grateful to have come through the years of psychosis and breakdowns with only this amount of damage done. I am still coming out of straight, still realizing the extent of the damage done, still struggling to find something in me I can trust. The insanity of de-programming myself has effected many people in my life, and the hurt I have caused others in this process is the heaviest weight of all.
"
I remember this time when I smoked up :smokin: and then I dropped some acid and then I got paranoid and thought things were happening that were not really happening.
It was because drugs are poison :skull:
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avoid improper dosage.
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I hope nick is doing ok. I really liked that guy. Anyone know?
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Nick was a good friend of mine. i haven't seen or heard from him since '91. Last i knew he was in Richmond.
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On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:
"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death. Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me. So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight.
I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous.
I want to describe my own introduction into the monkey house. I had come home for Christmas vacation and on New Years night (I think) I went to hear the Jello Boys playing at Wilmur?s Park in MD. I was with Pirate, his ever-so-sexy girlfriend from straight and Nick Dor***, also from straight. Standing there listening to the good music, Jeff Gold**rg, from straight came up and asked if I wanted to trip, I said yes, he put something on my tongue. I felt no physical effects though. Sometime later though, Nick was staring at me with a worried look. My arms had gone stiff and I was sort of frozen. I began noticing that the band was not really playing the music, the guitar player was also staring at me and constantly pushing up his glasses, but the guitar music kept going even when his hand was away from the guitar. He was looking paranoid, I assumed it was because I had noticed that they were lip sync-ing the music. Nick took pity on me and convinced me to step outside for some herb, he said it was to mellow me out. I could tell he was disappointed that I had noticed the band faking it.
We went back in, watching the fake band, watching the psychedelic light show. Eventually the show was over and the lights came on. The fluorescent lights. Suddenly I noticed that easily half of the people at the show I recognized from straight. Almost all of them were wearing Chuck Taylor tennis shoes, worn blue jeans and tie-dyes from the same shirt maker. The new dress code. Beige linoleum floor, no windows, drop ceiling, fluorescent lights, we were obviously still in straight. Up front instead of staff we had a band faking Grateful Dead music. Here we were thinking we were so cool and rebellious and free and yet we had recreated straight unawares, or someone had. At this point, Pirate, his sweetie, and Nick noticed that I had caught on and ushered me to the car.
They told me to chill. I told them that I had seen that we were still in straight. Pirate?s girlfriend was driving, she began screaming at me, telling me that we were not in straight. She obviously was not pleased that I had caught on. At that point I began to suspect that she was somehow going to be started over as a result of my realization, that it must have been up to her to prevent me from noticing the new straight. She must have been an oldcomer, maybe she was my oldcomer. Any way, she had aleady notified staff, I could tell because the highway had been emptied of other cars. The new straight must have had direct affiliations with the police. They had closed the highways because they did not want me to stop other motorist and notify them of the horrible reality that they too were involved in straight, that straight had seeped into the outside world, that without knowing it they were going through their phases, earning the equivalent of Talk, T and R, permissions, 5th phase, even graduating from a program they had no idea existed. My realizing this was obviously going to be a National Disaster. I expected to be taken to the White House to be re-programed by the CIA.
I asked them where they were taking me, there was no answer. ?WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?? I was getting a little distraught by now. Pirates girlfriend screamed at me to shut up the whole way back to their apartment. Nick again insisted that I smoke with him. Pirate had retreated to his bedroom. Nick and I settled into watching TV, the show was a long drawn out appeal for money by a Christian evangelist. My howls at the TV must have finally pushed Pirate over the edge, he came out in tears (he had had 3 hits) and asked me to quiet down, said he was so worried about me that he was sick to his stomach. I saw then how impractical my realization was. To tell people about their sub-conscious involvement with straight only served to upset them, and at the same time I could not keep quiet about it. The compassionate thing seemed to be suicide at that point. I think I must have mentioned this to Nick, because he took the razor blades I had in my pocket, (I was working as a window cleaner at the time) and sat up with me the rest of the night. Thanks Nick.
I would never wish that experience on anyone, at the same time I am so grateful to have had it. Also grateful to have come through the years of psychosis and breakdowns with only this amount of damage done. I am still coming out of straight, still realizing the extent of the damage done, still struggling to find something in me I can trust. The insanity of de-programming myself has effected many people in my life, and the hurt I have caused others in this process is the heaviest weight of all.
"
Jello Boys are fucking awesome. Sounds like a wylde tyme. Interesting insight regarding "creating another Straight" i.e. the conformity, "Straightling image", etc. A mixture of insight and paranoia it seems......
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Jello-Boys, Cosmic Debris and Black Sheep were some damn good bands back in the day. Actually the headline band that was jammin' that night was called "Men Who Wear Chucks" (as in Chuck Taylors). i remember how the musicians all looked like weird giant insectcs to me. i remember how desperately insane that night was.
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I think I might have been there, guys. Summer '91? I remember a huge Jerry Garcia birthday bash with Jello Boys, black Sheep and New Potato Caboose, among others. That was an awesome day. (For me)
Actually saw the caboose alot back then. I probably ran into you guys (or accidentally bumped you while dancing). :smile:
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i remember seein' Gregs band once after Brian(from Cosmic) and Greg went their own, seperate, musical ways. Some bar around Springfield. There was a Str8 kid there that i knew who played drums and his band opened the show. Gregs' band(can't even remember their name) closed the night with a long version of their original: "Government Man"
"...He' jus' a government man...cannot tell you what to do..."
"...Fuck the Government...they cannot tell you what to do..."
"...Fuck the government..." etc.,etc.
There was a bad ass "peace Frog" that night too.(not the night of the crazy bad cult monkey house red Dragon acid)
::dove:: ::dove:: :skull:
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Did you ever see Blue Miracle? Front man was someone we were in there with, Steve Cy***rs. My wife never missed a show at Maryland in the nineties, she new him before straight.
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Yeah, that was the name of his band: Blue Miracle. i saw them twice. When i saw them he was the drummer.
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Ok now she is correcting me. I thought he put the band together, but maybe not. Anyway, yes a very good drummer and singer. Seen them lately?
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aint seen 'em ...since...
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ENTER MY contest for the free playstation I for survivors. Sorry I couldn't afford a new PS2 or a PSP, but it's all good. You can win something.
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Dragon, give me hint on who you are? Or not.
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I am the only person in the history of straight to say on my intake that I did MORE drugs than I actually did.
I'm SURE you're not the only one.
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On 2005-09-20 11:09:00, dragonfly wrote:
"ok so skip Hint #1, that still gives you 3 hints
"
Gotta love a confident person. Hint #2 :grin:
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[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 22:54 ]
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Wow Dragon... you seem to be a big hit with the ladies...what is your secret?
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New Potato Caboose
I saw this lame bunch of Dead wanna-be's (sp?) at the Dulaney Inn in Towson, MD. My Deadhead gf liked them; I fuckin' couldn't stand 'em myself! I wanted to punch that curly blond-haired grinning michael bolton look-alike jackass who sang for 'em. What a bunch of weak, opportunistic POSEURS. :evil:
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I have a few ideas. Dark hair?
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Sorry
I'm not trying to expose you, just like meeting people from back then.
I'll drop it.
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why don't you expose YOURSELF, then?
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I was going to, but I've been attending Exhibitionists Anonymous. I'm a recoverying exhibitionist..
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we're sorry to hear that.
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wanna relapse with me?
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sure, why not?
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I'm naked now---how 'bout you?
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yep, just the birthday suit....let's get busy!
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Opening up the picture window curtains and waving to cars on the street!
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I hope this is not 2 guys talking to one another.
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what if it is?
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jumping up and down and howling, naked
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ripping the curtains off the rods..
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smearing my body with honey, still howling
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drinking from a bottle of whiskey...
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pressing my honey-smeared body against the glass
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lighting the sheets on fire..literally..
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spinning in a circle on top of the coffee table, knocking over drinks, still howling
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turning the music up, full-blast...
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swinging from the ceiling fan, undulating wildly. Honey flying off in all directions.....
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smashing glasses against the wall..
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cutting myself and licking blood and honey from my arm, still howling
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dialing up the ex-wife on the phone, grinning..
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tickling myself with a peacock feather as I swing on a trapeze
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shining my nuts with the telephone...
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talking to the cop that the neighbor called....
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turning musicc down, hiding in the bathroom til he leaves...
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waking up, putting on pants.
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making coffee.. :smokin:
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making plans to troll myself all day.....
on every thread....
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since I am too damaged to really say anything...
but not too damaged to know how damaged I am...
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Damaged by you, Damaged by me, I'm confused..
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Don't wanna be confused...Stupid attempts..No conclusions
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Put the gun to my head and i don't pull..I'm confused
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I no longer feel a thing, I no longer want to see, but you can't make me long for your life and security.
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Stupid feelings, stupid illusions...I'm confused
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Don't wanna be confused...scars for me to wear
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Oh jesus christ, stick to the honey monkey or kill yourself.
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those are my only choices?
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nope...go on...
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No, what about the Irishman who walked into a bar and won a free beer ?
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"tiocfaidh ar la" (our day will come) -pirate
::dove:: ::dove:: :skull:
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wow, that was deep... :roll:
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i was referring to pirate's little "our day will come" quote there... you're all good, df.
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Right on DF ::rocker:: ::rocker:: ::rocker::
Everything that people say to you is personal. Whether it is constructive criticism or not will determine whether it cam from and asshole or not.
----Bill Warbis
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.. :wave: :wave:
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That would be me. Frank.
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Could be, hell if i know..Frank.