Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: webcrawler on September 17, 2005, 11:45:00 PM
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Does anyone here hate the fact they are too damn sensitive from being in straight? I feel like an emotional basket case at the moment. I hate having feelings about everything. I cry easily to this day. I thought I did a pretty good job of having a hard outer shell and not crying before I was locked away.
I was "ripped" by a former staff member today because I used the word empathy and was called brainwashed. Funny I was never brainwashed to join staff. But hey, I really can't fault anyone for what they did in that place as we were all kids just trying to cope the best way we could figure out. The brainwashing comment hurts still though and my stomach is in knotts just like it used to be everyday as soon as I entered the building.
I let some things keep me in straight after copping out twice and deciding to "work my program". I'm sick of all the brainwashing insults thrown around by lots of people as if somehow they are more superior because they may have done something different. I even felt like I deserved to be punished back then and somehow being in that place was my repentance for all the horrible things I did.
I had some host parents that I felt truly loved me and I could actually communicate with them. My father threw me away like yesterday's trash before I went there. For years I had been mentally abused my this man and physically and mentally abused by my step mom. My father and step mom were shitty parents and I had anxiety issues because I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells and one wrong move could get me an ass beating at any moment. My mom worked all the time and went to school so the days I was to live at her house I spent at childcare. The person that "took care of me" was neglectful and mentally and physically abusive as well. I should also mention I was forced to be outside everyday until it was dark, fed the bare minimum and was not allowed to sit on her precious furniture. I started stealing from stores in the first grade because I was so hungry all the time.
Eating at my dad's house was not much better. The first week of each month was when the food stamps came and we would get some snacks. Other than that me and my 5 siblings ate just meals which many times consisted of beans. There was always money for my parents to get high and drunk though.
I would later bounce from relatives to friends, to group home and then full time with my father. At this time my father became a religous zealot and kept me prisoner in the house.I was sent to an abusive school run by Baptists. My dad decided we were not allowed to have junk food anymore but didn't buy any healthy snacks so I was still left hungry all the time. Where those food stamps were going was beyond me. We had financial aid to attend this shitty private school. We were probably the only family on welfare and we were coldly embraced yet my father was so wrapped up in that place.
I finally got to move back home with my mom only to soon be sent to a psychiatric hospital and straight directly after. Why? Because my mom caught me having sex at my "druggie b/f's" house high and drunk and beat my ass and sent me away.
So my dirty and lost soul sought comfort in some things at straight. I had 2 parent host homes. I had 2 host parents that loved me. I had someone to be my dad that didn't tell me I was no longer his daughter and didn't cut me off. I got to eat good meals in my host homes. My host parents weren't beating each other up, breaking things, and throwing furniture around like my real parental homes.
For the first time ever I lived in suburbs and attended 2 excellent schools. I made lots of friends at school and my teachers believed in me. Before straight I was the kid all the parents forbade their kids to hang around with. They would call or send notes to the school telling the teacher and principal to keep their kids away from me. My teachers and principals before straight are evil bitches. They taunted me, shook me, hit me, pushed me and made me a scapegoat for anything that went wrong. It was no wonder I attended school maybe 30 days all together in 8th grade.
So yeah maybe I was brainwashed to some degree, but I was already hurting and all alone before I got to straight. My stomach would always hurt in group, but I actually looked forward to going home to my host parents, going to school, and going to my job. I focused on what things were good for me and that's what kept me going. My mom has since apologized for things in my childhood, but I can't help but be haunted from all this shit.
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On 2005-09-17 20:45:00, webcrawler wrote:
"Does anyone here hate the fact they are too damn sensitive from being in straight? I feel like an emotional basket case at the moment. I hate having feelings about everything. I cry easily to this day. I thought I did a pretty good job of having a hard outer shell and not crying before I was locked away."
Yeah I cry at the drop of a hat...I've always been a huge mush...straight made it worse thanks to the "curse of awareness" and compulsion to "share my feelings." Actually, right now I feel like an emotional basket case too.
"I was "ripped" by a former staff member today because I used the word empathy and was called brainwashed. Funny I was never brainwashed to join staff. But hey, I really can't fault anyone for what they did in that place as we were all kids just trying to cope the best way we could figure out. The brainwashing comment hurts still though and my stomach is in knotts just like it used to be everyday as soon as I entered the building."
Probably because Straight used the word "empathy" so damn much. Sounds like extreme hypersensitivity to Straight lingo...but yeah I dont think brainwashed should be thrown in your face just because you said one "Straight" word.
"I had some host parents that I felt truly loved me and I could actually communicate with them. My father threw me away like yesterday's trash before I went there. For years I had been mentally abused my this man and physically and mentally abused by my step mom. My father and step mom were shitty parents and I had anxiety issues because I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells and one wrong move could get me an ass beating at any moment. My mom worked all the time and went to school so the days I was to live at her house I spent at childcare. The person that "took care of me" was neglectful and mentally and physically abusive as well. I should also mention I was forced to be outside everyday until it was dark, fed the bare minimum and was not allowed to sit on her precious furniture. I started stealing from stores in the first grade because I was so hungry all the time.
Eating at my dad's house was not much better. The first week of each month was when the food stamps came and we would get some snacks. Other than that me and my 5 siblings ate just meals which many times consisted of beans. There was always money for my parents to get high and drunk though.
I would later bounce from relatives to friends, to group home and then full time with my father. At this time my father became a religous zealot and kept me prisoner in the house.I was sent to an abusive school run by Baptists. My dad decided we were not allowed to have junk food anymore but didn't buy any healthy snacks so I was still left hungry all the time. Where those food stamps were going was beyond me. We had financial aid to attend this shitty private school. We were probably the only family on welfare and we were coldly embraced yet my father was so wrapped up in that place.
I finally got to move back home with my mom only to soon be sent to a psychiatric hospital and straight directly after. Why? Because my mom caught me having sex at my "druggie b/f's" house high and drunk and beat my ass and sent me away.
So my dirty and lost soul sought comfort in some things at straight. I had 2 parent host homes. I had 2 host parents that loved me. I had someone to be my dad that didn't tell me I was no longer his daughter and didn't cut me off. I got to eat good meals in my host homes. My host parents weren't beating each other up, breaking things, and throwing furniture around like my real parental homes.
For the first time ever I lived in suburbs and attended 2 excellent schools. I made lots of friends at school and my teachers believed in me. Before straight I was the kid all the parents forbade their kids to hang around with. They would call or send notes to the school telling the teacher and principal to keep their kids away from me. My teachers and principals before straight are evil bitches. They taunted me, shook me, hit me, pushed me and made me a scapegoat for anything that went wrong. It was no wonder I attended school maybe 30 days all together in 8th grade.
So yeah maybe I was brainwashed to some degree, but I was already hurting and all alone before I got to straight. My stomach would always hurt in group, but I actually looked forward to going home to my host parents, going to school, and going to my job. I focused on what things were good for me and that's what kept me going. My mom has since apologized for things in my childhood, but I can't help but be haunted from all this shit."
Oh my God....You did not deserve to be treated like that by your own parents...it says a lot that there were things about Straight (host parents, etc.) that were actually an improvement over being at home for you.
And as far as being brainwashed....you were an innocent child thrown from one nightmare into another. You were just as vulnerable as the rest of us. I certainly cant speak for all straight survivors but I think its safe to say most of us were brainwashed to a varying extents. Being brainwashed does NOT mean you did anything wrong. Just like most if not all of us...you were just trying to survive.
Oh BTW, I have had chronic severe insomnia for years too----its hell so I know what you mean. ::rainbow::
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I hate crying. In the midst of my crying I told the person to fuck off because they said they had a harder program than mine and summed it up to sound like I'm just being a baby. Feels like straight all over again. Considering I told you about the staff members laughing about all of us and making fun of us behind our backs I don't have the warmest sympathies for many of them. I feel like my experiences have been totally discounted. As if somehow I don't have a right to be upset because supposedly my program was better than theirs.
Yes, Michigan was smaller and a bit milder in some regards but it doesn't mean that the place didn't get to me.
So what are you doing for your insomnia????? I can't get my mind to shut down at night and sleeping aids are no longer working. One night after being up for 2 days I had these crazy thoughts of begging someone to lock me away at the hospital and dose me up with some pills to make me sleep. It's getting pretty bad.
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On 2005-09-17 21:44:00, webcrawler wrote:
"I hate crying. In the midst of my crying I told the person to fuck off because they said they had a harder program than mine and summed it up to sound li'm jusbeing a baby. I feel like my experiences have been totally discounted. As if somehow I don't have a right to be upset because supposedly my program was better than theirs.
Yes, Michigan was smaller and a bit milder in some regards but it doesn't mean that the place didn't get to me.
Glad you told the person to fuck off...comments like that are just cruel....straight sucked for all of us! Period. Everyone's experience was valid, including yours.
More on the insomnia in a few minutes...I need a cigarette before I go into that one. :smokin:
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you must correct the flow of chi in your circuits, ma'am.
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I feel terrible for even saying it :sad:
But it's along the same lines as what I would hear in group. We had all the people from Cinci on our staff as well as the upper phasers from Cinci. Anytime we dared show sensitivity we were mocked and told how good we had it compared to what happened to them down in Cinci. As if Michigan was paradise or something.
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On 2005-09-17 22:00:00, Anonymous wrote:
"you must correct the flow of chi in your circuits, ma'am."
I'm afraid the majority of my circuits are disconnected. :rofl:
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On 2005-09-17 21:44:00, webcrawler wrote: So what are you doing for your insomnia????? I can't get my mind to shut down at night and sleeping aids are no longer working. One night after being up for 2 days I had these crazy thoughts of begging someone to lock me away at the hospital and dose me up with some pills to make me sleep. It's getting pretty bad."
It's my mind that keeps me up too...cant find the off switch to my brain...I've had more all nighter's than I care to remember. But most of the time...the process of falling asleep takes me at least an hour (on a good night). Some nights are worse than others...but the problem never goes away.
I've tried every over the counter sleep aid (which most for me are a total joke), but lately I've had luck with Melatonin, which seems to be preventing the all nighters and reduces the number of endless hours thinking. Have you tried that yet? It wont knock you out right away, but it helps you relax so sleep comes easier. Sometimes I also drink Chamomile tea at the same time that I take the Melatonin. But chamomile tea by itself does nothing for me. I took Ambien for a while, but it only helped me if I took it irregularly, say like once a week. If I took Ambien two nights in a row...it seemed to be much less effective.
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Don' worry none Webcrawler it's all bullshit meant to manipulate you somehow. Mutherfuckers jus' want somethin' from you, want a piece of ya. Fuck Them. You know what's up. :skull:
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On 2005-09-17 22:00:00, Anonymous wrote:
"you must correct the flow of chi in your circuits, ma'am."
Yeah that would probably help! But my circuits have been so out of whack for so long I fear I am a lost cause! :wink:
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On 2005-09-17 22:22:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"Don' worry none Webcrawler it's all bullshit meant to manipulate you somehow. Mutherfuckers jus' want somethin' from you, want a piece of ya. Fuck Them. You know what's up. :skull:
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Thanks. :smile:
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On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:
"I feel terrible for even saying it :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll:
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On 2005-09-17 22:21:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 21:44:00, webcrawler wrote: So what are you doing for your insomnia????? I can't get my mind to shut down at night and sleeping aids are no longer working. One night after being up for 2 days I had these crazy thoughts of begging someone to lock me away at the hospital and dose me up with some pills to make me sleep. It's getting pretty bad."
It's my mind that keeps me up too...cant find the off switch to my brain...I've had more all nighter's than I care to remember. But most of the time...the process of falling asleep takes me at least an hour (on a good night). Some nights are worse than others...but the problem never goes away.
I've tried every over the counter sleep aid (which most for me are a total joke), but lately I've had luck with Melatonin, which seems to be preventing the all nighters and reduces the number of endless hours thinking. Have you tried that yet? It wont knock you out right away, but it helps you relax so sleep comes easier. Sometimes I also drink Chamomile tea at the same time that I take the Melatonin. But chamomile tea by itself does nothing for me. I took Ambien for a while, but it only helped me if I took it irregularly, say like once a week. If I took Ambien two nights in a row...it seemed to be much less effective.
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I haven't tried melatonin, but considered it before and then forgot all about it. I'm allergic to that chamolille stuff so I try to avoid it or else I'm sneezing non stop.
I toss and turn all night. When I get in bed I think about all the horrible things in my life. I re-evaluate everything I did that day. I start having all these great thoughts too. It's a mixute of stomach turning anxiety and figuring out life. lol.
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On 2005-09-17 22:30:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:
"I feel terrible for even saying it :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll: "
You are prolly right about that NCL of it being some standard shit to say. I had a friend that went on staff in the California straight and I can imagine him saying "you have it so easy compared to how we had it in Michigan." :lol:
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"I toss and turn all night. When I get in bed I think about all the horrible things in my life. I re-evaluate everything I did that day. I start having all these great thoughts too. It's a mixute of stomach turning anxiety and figuring out life. lol."
BTW, I forgot to mention, Melatonin is sometimes found in the vitamin supplement section. Its not very expensive either.
::rainbow::
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On 2005-09-17 22:37:00, webcrawler wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:30:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:
"I feel terrible for even saying it :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll: "
You are prolly right about that NCL of it being some standard shit to say. I had a friend that went on staff in the California straight and I can imagine him saying "you have it so easy compared to how we had it in Michigan." :lol: "
In VA we heard about how lucky we were not to have been in St. Pete. i heard stories about newcomers bein' tied up and locked in closets at St. Pete. Just try to remember how lucky you are while your bein' executed by the state. And no i will not define my terms.
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it is not necessary to define the terms of the above post. the postor was clearly referencing the annihilation of our minds in Straight irregardless of the degree of literal physical torturing. he was also sarcastically, although perhaps unconsciously, referencing the sort of "gratitude" filth to which we were subjected. in which, we knew ourselves not really to have it too bad, that is, we were glad to get our winter coats handed out to us while we stood heel to toe in line at the end of a long day of trying really hard to be brainwashed and to brainwash each other. oh look, it's my comforting grocery bag of my very own clothes. and the pattern of shadows on the ceiling is something to think about while lying on a little fold out piece of furniture in the dark.
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Sure seemedlike "empathy, Being strong and what you needed"covered a multitude of sins. Jargon to cover nonsense
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It is all too much of a mess to ever figure it out. Any professional assistance you seek out will eventually turn on you, and your superior sensitivities will alert you to this. A wounded animal has a particular scent. It is merely instinct to kick at it to get it to go away, or else see how can you use for your own purposes of practicing your instincts on a wounded animal. Case in point. Never tell them anything. It goes in your file. DUH.
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On 2005-09-17 22:53:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:37:00, webcrawler wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:30:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:
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On 2005-09-17 22:02:00, webcrawler wrote:
"I feel terrible for even saying it :roll: I suspect that was a standard line of shit used in Straight programs. :roll: "
You are prolly right about that NCL of it being some standard shit to say. I had a friend that went on staff in the California straight and I can imagine him saying "you have it so easy compared to how we had it in Michigan." :roll:
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Please don't ever let anyone take your sensitivity. For me, it is so hard to find, b/c people can be, well, so insensitive. It is special.
Your story is truly sad. I appreciate you letting us know about it. In effect the life you had in straight rescued you from the hellish life you already had. And while it was hellish on its own, you had things there you'd bever had before. I know others with those kind of backgrounds.
Webcrawler, I know it's hard, but anyone still bragging about how tough their program was has his head very far up his ass. That's not why most of us are here. It's not about one-upping anymore.
I really feel guilty when I read about people who never did drugs before going in there. My thought is "well at least I deserved to be in there". But I didn't deserve it even if I was doing drugs. That place was just hurtful.
BTW-Straight targetted middle-calss families, so I'm curious if someone other than your parents payed for the place? My step-mom reminds me all the time how expensive it was, but I can look at my student loan payment and know that (yup-college fund all went there).
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On 2005-09-18 19:59:00, shady grove wrote:
"Please don't ever let anyone take your sensitivity. For me, it is so hard to find, b/c people can be, well, so insensitive. It is special.
Your story is truly sad. I appreciate you letting us know about it. In effect the life you had in straight rescued you from the hellish life you already had. And while it was hellish on its own, you had things there you'd bever had before. I know others with those kind of backgrounds.
Webcrawler, I know it's hard, but anyone still bragging about how tough their program was has his head very far up his ass. That's not why most of us are here. It's not about one-upping anymore.
I really feel guilty when I read about people who never did drugs before going in there. My thought is "well at least I deserved to be in there". But I didn't deserve it even if I was doing drugs. That place was just hurtful.
BTW-Straight targetted middle-calss families, so I'm curious if someone other than your parents payed for the place? My step-mom reminds me all the time how expensive it was, but I can look at my student loan payment and know that (yup-college fund all went there)."
Thanks Shady. Well my mom was pretty much a single parent with no help until I was 10. Then my step dad came in the pic but did not hold a steady job. My parents divorced when I was 5 and we had a pretty good life until then. My dad worked at General Motors on the assembly line and my mom at the hospital. After the divorce he lost his job and everything went down hill. It was better finance wise with my mom. Still I went to straight 1 month after turning 15 and insurance didn't cover it. She sold our house and moved into a $6000 HUD home and fixed it up. She then took a mortgage out on that house. My stay at straight pretty much drained the bank. To top it off I was sent to a Catholic school right before straight and my mom had to keep paying tuition until I made 3rd phase and could go to the school by my host home (we got some finacial aid for school but it was not much).
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NCL wrote:
It's my mind that keeps me up too...
It's something else that keeps me up sometimes... :grin:
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Melatonin works pretty well. There's a procuct called Allunasleep that works OK too.
Sorry to hear about your run-in with the asshole. It's weird how normal words in the English language became so loaded with Cultspeak definitions, to the point where using words like "love", "empathy", "sensitivity","honesty", etc. take on new and different meanings, and the shadow of those meanings is always looming large whenever we use those terms in the 'real world'....by controlling the language, they controlled the scope of the conversation, controlled THOUGHTS. One of the more subtle, but powerful, aspects of the Straight mindfuck.
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In all fairness I should say that I worked things out with the person. For some reason I can not let things remain bad with others and feel the need to fix everything. Maybe it's out of guilt which is something I never felt before the age of 15 when I went in the program. People that felt guilt and had a conscience annoyed me back then.
I don't enjoy being ruled by my emotions one bit. This is something I have to constantly battle with. The real world does not want to hear me share my feelings everytime I'm upset or sad. After I left straight I told people how I felt almost in a compulsive sort of way. Yes, I like to experience happiness and all but usually that feeling doesn't come about unless I'm doing something risky.
I can't even stay angry at other survivors for getting just as emotional as me. That shit is hard to purge from our systems. We were kids with brains that were still developing and forced to be in a constant vulnerable and intimate state of mind. Everything was about feelings and probably will for the rest of our lives to some degree.
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I am totally with you here. I went in at fifteen, too. For years I would just beat things to death. Sometimes my wife just won't respond to something I can't let go of, and that's my cue that I might be getting a little annoying with the analytical.
And I hate it too when I think someone has a problem with me. I take it personally instead of thinking that their problem is THEIR problem. This has been very problematic in past relationships.
Something that I definately feel I took away from straight is OCD. Actually I remember when it began, and it was my response to all the rules and the hypervigilance. An attempt at control in an environment where I had zero control...couldn't even use the bathroom by myself. Had to ask for every bite of food, every square of toilet paper.
I have noted that alot of these problems (including depression) have been helped with SSRIs. That's not for everyone, though.
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[ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2005-09-22 22:55 ]
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Feeeeeleengs, nuutheeng mooore than feeelengs
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I wrote an MI on feelings once.
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Last night? What did your host mom think about it?
Troll's suck!
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I met a troll at an AA meeting once. We shared a bottle of Boone's Farm afterwards and sat under the bridge where she lived. Then we logged on to Fornits and talked about how great working the Steps was, now that we were doing it outside of Straight.
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Thanks for sharing. I got alot out of that. I can RE-late.
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Who wants to relate next?
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I found it sort of well,the opposite.Easier to turn things off,shut people out.I also found I can be violent w/o anger,or regret. Kinda scares me at times.