Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Cayo Hueso on May 25, 2005, 03:30:00 AM
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God I hated that. I grew up an only child in an upper middle class neighborhood. By the time my parents had me they were so deep into their own wreck of a marriage that they had little time to give to a kid. My dad had these huge expectations on me but never really bothered to try and teach me anything about life, or even to talk to me much for that matter. Mom was just an emotional basket case ever since I can remember. When they divorced I was 14 and at the beginning of whatever rebellion I had in me (not much, I was more the lazy stoner). So they freaked out and put me in there. Meanwhile all my cousins are out doing the same shit I was but they're allowed the luxury of growing out of it. One is an attorney and going back to school to be a dentist because she discovered she hates law. Another is a nuclear engineer. Then there's me. The fuck up. By the time my parents, and then Straight were done with me I was a fucking mess and then to constantly be compared to those two and constantly "monitored", with the family just watching and waiting for any slip up so they could all shout in unison "See? I TOLD ya!" was really just too much sometimes. That part I did buy into and it really fucked me up for a really long time.
Sorry for the rambling. The late night rantings of a stoned insomniac.May 12-13: Sowed Hemp at Muddy hole by Swamp. August 7: Began to separate the Male from the Female at Do - rather too late.
George Washington (Diary)
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On 2005-05-25 00:30:00, Cayo Hueso wrote:
May 12-13: Sowed Hemp at Muddy hole by Swamp. August 7: Began to separate the Male from the Female at Do - rather too late.
George Washington (Diary)
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Washington was rather famous for his entheusiasm for India Hemp and moderation w/ alcohol (the later being most unusual in Philly in the mid 1700's). Never underestimate the rantings of a stoned insomniac. Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense.
--Francois Marie Arouet "Voltaire", French author and playwright
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We know each other, and one of the reasons that I never really pursued a friendship with you is that I felt you valued reefer more than friendship. To hammer the point home, all your "friends" also put reefer as the A number one priority in life to the point of sheer incredibility.
Maybe if I had the shit growing wild on some vacant land and always was carrying, no matter what, then we could get together, get stoned and be real friends, just like ya see on TV. But for now I will have to settle for taking my kayak out to Weedon Island, looking across the way as I paddle, and wonder how you are doing.
Sorry, but that's just how it is.........
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Bob, I honestly have no fucking clue what you are talking about and to be quite honest with you I could give a shit about whether or not you want to be my friend. Wow dude, that really came out of left field.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
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I could give a shit about whether or not you want to be my friend.
Man, Cayo...that was kinda cold, especially considering that it came from someone who smokes the "hippie lettuce." :lol:
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Whatever. Seems like Jerk dissed her pretty hard. "You value weed more than friendship" or something like that. (Now, I do value drugs more than friendships, but that's me. Drugs have never ripped me off or stabbed me in the back. Drugs have never let me down, drugs have never lied to me, drugs have never....you get the point.)
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Almost like a rap in Group:
85DayJerk: Well, Cayo, I was gonna reach out for a friendship with you, but you seem to value reefer more than friendship.....
Staff: I think you're right, Jerk. Who wants to tell Cayo how fucked up she is for wwanting to burn a bowl of TBPITW instead of watching TV and eating twinkies with 85DayJerk while he reads his blog entries to her?
(Sound of Group motivating)
Staff: Froderick13!
Froderick (stands up): Damn, Cayohueso, that's pretty cold of you to turn down a friendship with lardass there just 'cause he doesn't get the sweet, sticky, resinous, skunky, indica buds that you crave.
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I thought it was pretty harsh for someone with whom I've had maybe a handful of conversations with in a group setting a few years back to be able to make a judgement like that about my life or what I do or do not value and the degree to which I value it. That post was pretty much the entirety of interaction I've had with this guy in the last few years.
Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Ben Franklin Letter to M. Leroy, 1789.
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Oh well, ok. I had this impression of you FL ppl sticking together like 'buds.' :rofl:
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Whatever. Seems like Jerk dissed her pretty hard. "You value weed more than friendship" or something like that. (Now, I do value drugs more than friendships, but that's me. Drugs have never ripped me off or stabbed me in the back. Drugs have never let me down, drugs have never lied to me, drugs have never....you get the point.)
:roll: :roll:
But I have to admit: :lol:
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Almost like a rap in Group:
You could say the same thing about a lot of dialogue on this forum.
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Excuse me for a moment while I get this bowl lit.
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sure thing....go ahead! ::nod::
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Sorry, this turned out much longer than I thought. I read the post when it was posted and gave it alot of thought. I thought the "stigma" question deserved not to be trvialized. And because of increased compettion to use my own computer lately I havent had the time till now to write freely and without interuption.
During the early years yeah, there was that "stigma", especially whilst in Straight attending high school. There were words that others used to identify me. "Straightling", "NARC" and a few others that I don?t recall at the moment.
I went to an ultra small high school (21 in the graduating class), one that parents of children unsuitable for public high schools and the private schools in the area. It was billed as a college prep school. Yeah, right.
Looking back, I think I would have faired pretty well, had it not been for the two other "Straightlings" that soon followed me to that school. For the most part, I kinda blended in and kept a low profile. People knew I was in Straight and I caught some flack for it, yet once the other two (both females) entered the school, the pressure and stakes began to shift.
I remember my mother telling me once when driving either to "the building" or back from the "the building". She said, in reference to my school and people of the school. She said, ?I don?t understand, high school for me was one of the happiest times of my life".... I can remember thinking to myself, "Kill me now for gods sake"
So yeah, high school was a time when that "stigma" was obvious. I bull shitted my way into Emory, where I found the wonders of LSD125 (gotta love the chemistry majors). However, my stint at Emory only lasted one semester. Moderation was something I had yet to learn and was asked to leave. Almost immediately I joined the Submarine Corp.
My recruiter knew of Straight and also knew I spent almost 2 years there...it didn't bother him. So I signed papers, raised my right hand and poof, I was now in the Navy, as a Submariner. About the time I was to get out, 4 years later, I ran into a snag...Well, actually I got busted in a sweep. "Possession, sale and transfer of narcotics aboard a United States Naval vessel". The charges were dropped to simple possession, which meant no Fort Leavenworth, but I would be discharged. During the proceedings the fact I was in Straight for two years came to the surface. My proceedings lasted 3 hours, the first two hours was discussion about Straight, what it was, where it was and everything else in between. Because of Straight, I got less than what others caught up in the sweep got. (a whole other stigma story, believe me)
Why? Well, because according to the Navy, I shouldn?t have been accepted in the first place, because I had been in Straight. So, rather than receiving a Dishonorable Discharge, I received an "Other than Honorable Discharge" When I asked for clarification and exactly what the hell that meant, it was explained to me that I simply, because of Straight, I did not meet the needs of the United States Navy.
Those were some pretty hard knocks and for the most part I accept responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
Soon after my discharge, I began what would be a 16 year stint working in the mental health field (go figure). My first 5 years in the field was a constant effort. Why? Because my only field of reference for mental health was Straight (you can see the problem), and at the time, Straight had yet to be closed down. My employers knew I had been in Straight and my immediate supervisors knew I had been in Straight?they, much like myself had many misgivings about Straight and it?s methodology. So, as a result I ran into a lot of flack there also?because I couldn?t keep my mouth shut. I was bounced from unit to unit and from population to population until I ended up working the Crisis Units and there I stayed.
Family, or rather extended family issues where strained, to say the least. Even after almost 3 decades there is dissention in the family and that all can be traced back to Straight. I have a ?cousin? in Tampa that helped me when I ?split? (it wasn?t called a ?cop out? then). I stayed with her and her friends for a good part of the time I was ?away? and as I said, even now, after all this time, just a few words will tear off the scabs of a horrible experience and make it just as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
About the time I was on my 5th phase, my cousin (from the other side) was placed in Straight. Soon after that another, and then another were placed into Straight. Here is where I get confused and really at a loss as to what to do. I have only had e-mail correspondence with one of the three cousins placed in Straight. She assures me there is ?no hard feelings? from her or her brothers directed at me regarding the Straight experience. Yet, in the back of my head?no, that?s a lie, in the forefront of my own consciousness I know that if the roles were reversed, and I was slapped in Straight after they were?shit, I would be a bit miffed and if I wasn?t flat out pissed off, I would damn sure have some questions for them.
Since I do not know how they truly feel, and knowing they learned the same skills I learned while in Straight. I can only assume they feel at least similar to how I feel, and so the distance between us is as it was. Is that fucked up or what?
I think, and it?s only my opinion that the ?stigma? from ?others? is a direct reflection of my own inner landscaping formed some years ago. As far as the general public goes, I avoid the ?stigma? issue by keeping my mouth shut about my history. As far as the stigmatic issues concerning my family (whether real or imagined)?shit, I don?t know?I just try to keep on living.
The ?stigma? by definition comes from what others perceive and use the ?stigma? as a mark, as a brand or as an shameful identifier. As powerful as this situation may be, I am of the belief that the internal ?stigma? (or whatever the appropriate word might be) is considerably, if not significantly more difficult to contend with. I am the least common denominator in all my experiences, in all of my memories, challenges, triumphs, dreams and aspirations, I was apart of that?I own my experience. And so what I think about and of myself is critical. Accepting myself became of paramount importance and being peaceful towards those near and dear to me eased a lot of the angst I found myself in. When these kinda things became more and more important to me and I placed a higher value on them?others and their perception of the Straight ?stigma? became less and less important by default.
It pisses me off that I am just now, after almost 30 years, beginning to learn how to deal with the Straight thing. Not that my life is now crippled because of Straight, because it is not. However, I am learning the subtleness of Straight Inc and it?s effects are more deeply ingrained as I once thought they might be. As soon as I begin to feel comfortable and at relative peace with the whole thing, something more subtle than before makes its self glowingly apparent and so the effort is very much a work in progress.
OBTW; If 85DJ knows you?chances are I know you as well?It?s good to know others from my time are still around and I am not alone in facing this shit!
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Well, I did'nt mean to create any sparks, just letting someone know my feelings. This is My stigma. Over the years I have run across numerous women that could have blossomed (or more like budded) into a serious relationship except for one thing........... I don't have, nor probably ever will have 80 to 150 dollars a week to spend on buds.
There are guys living here that do, and my feeling is more power to them. If I have to constantly purchase a substance that can get myself in trouble with having my hard earned vehicle impounded, and have me locked up, to me it is no "relationship" any more than handing a goddamn street bum 5 dollars for a sixpack. One just looks prettier and smells nicer, but in the end you are still out some bucks, and you can never really trust the person.
As for my lard-ass, it was pretty busy Saturday helping a neighbor move into a house. In exchange for my help, she gave me a breakfast table and two chairs worth probably 85 dollars.
So to wrap things up, I have to say that my Stigma is that I will not use drugs or the promise of drugs to woo women. Damn!!!! I guess that must make me some kind of asshole then.
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Well Bob, how this thread turned into dating 101 for you I'll never know.
If you're still referring to me you sure are making a lot of assumptions about my life based on a couple of conversations we had with a group of people 2 or 3 years ago. Are ya psychic or something? :roll: And why you would feel the need to address whatever it is you're trying to address at this particular point in time is escaping me too. You and I have only had passing contact with each other. If you assumed from those brief encounters that I wasn't really interested in pursuing a friendship with you, you were right on the money. If you assumed that it had anything to do with dope, you're sorely mistaken. Just some advice, if those are the only kinds of women you're meeting, ya might want to get out more...broaden your horizons a bit.
To those of you that think I'm just being mean to poor old Bob, sorry. First off, he brought this up out of the blue and to be honest I had no clue what he was talking about then and I still don't. Second, he did it on an open forum, not PM and third...I hardly know the fucking guy!
WOOF, I appreciate your response to the original post that I put up. I'll respond more when I've got time. We've been swamped lately, almost literally. I doubt we know each other, I wasn't in at the same time as Bob. I was in the Gandy bldg. from summer 82 to summer 84.Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself
--Jimmy Carter
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I actually jumped into this thread doing one of the things that the program instilled in me. I shot from the hip and got something off my mind that had been bugging me for a long time. I did it without thinking at all. Just like I used too. I let my own thoughts and feelings and the "Need to Get Things Out" over-ride any logic, or sense of decorum. I think I finally get it Kim. I will never again assume you want any help to feel better or desire any human contact. You are now free to go back to being a stranger. As for you Chris, God I pity you.
As far as stigma's go, I do not have any relations with my father still. There is just nothing there. I'm all dead inside. It really does'nt bother me because when I think back on all the horrible concessions I had to make in order to "fit in" I feel that I would have to be crazy to spend time with a family that could do what they did to me. There is nothing to fix, because as long as I stay away from them, there is nothing broken. As far as dating goes, I am just about there financially, and I meet women all the time through my job.
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On 2005-06-01 13:50:00, 85 Day Jerk wrote:
I think I finally get it Kim. I will never again assume you want any help to feel better or desire any human contact.
God Bob, get over yourself. Where did I ever say that I needed your help? I have plenty of human contact and for the most part I feel quite well. You took one post I made on a night that I couldn't sleep and turned it first into dating 101, and now a cry for help from me??? Whatever. :roll:
...the people have a right to keep and bear arms.
-- Patrick Henry and George Mason Debates