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The Seed Discussion Forum / Dear John
« on: December 02, 2005, 06:11:00 PM »Quote
On 2005-12-02 13:10:00, Stripe wrote:
"Landyh,
Regardless of why or how you came back there, which round, after all these years, was the most helpful to you ? Which was the most damaging? I'm just curious. If that's a question you prefer not to answer, or can't answer right now, I understand. I know my position on the seed has changed over the course of my life.
"
No problem answering that. The Seed that existed on 3rd avenue was a place of love and acceptance. The "love ya's" at least felt real not rote responses. I don't remember anything feeling forced but more like suggestions. People that were there then came of ther own volition. I felt the people there had real feelings and concerns for me and I for them. It was a smaller group and Art was not at all secluded. He was funny, charismatic to be sure but caring and available. On a mission to be sure but not at all full of himself then. St Rd 84 was different. Too big. Art was isolated from the group by his staff. I felt like although they would have liked to have made you think they were just protecting him so he would have time for the bigger picture they really just wanted to protect there own place in his clique. Keeping others out as if they were afraid it might threaten there own position. I don't know if the changes were evolutionary in nature or the result of growing faster than they could manage. That it was no longer voluntary for the vast majority of us is probably the worst of the changes. It is one thing to submit yourself to rigorous self honesty to save yourself quite another to be broken to the point that your willing to say anything to get out. I don't blame the seed for the problems I was to have later in either case but as to which was more helpful to me I can answer that. My first time was positive and even beneficial though not a cure all for what was really going on. The second time was not like that at all excepting that I did get away from drugs for a while subsequently and i needed to. I felt like I gave up a little piece of myself to do it. i believe the methodological changes that had taken place in the time between my experiences were damaging in some sense. Reflected here maybe in the way I go back and forth on how i feel about the overall experience. Perhaps why I can see and even take both sides of an issue even today without being able to plant myself firmly on either side. There is a good side to that I know and this duality is deeply rooted in how I percieve things even now but sometimes I wish I could see things in black and white as so many here seem to be able to do. There would come a certain peace in being convinced of the infalliability of my own perceptions I suspect. One that at least to this point in my life I have never known. This ability to see both sides does help in its own way. It makes me a fair negotiator and mediator when that is called for and I think at times allows me to provide a calming influence in certain situations. i hope that answered your question.