It's been a long time since I posted anything on this board. I have been through a lot through the years and have searched for answers along the way. Some have yet to be answered, some will never have any answers. I think that Mission Moutain School was just a symptom of a bigger problem, almost symbolic of the dysfunction in my life.
I went there as a kid that everyone was trying to fix. Someone who was bottled up with mental illness and all the behavioral problems that tag along with bi-poloar disorder. I was trying my best to cope and somewhere in my teens gave up and ended up at that school. Back when I went to the school medication was seen as a crutch not a cure. I had a simple deficiency in my brain, something as easily fixable as insulin is to a diabetic. Can I blame the school? Not really. They were doing exactly what my parents told them to do, and I acted exactly how un-medicated people act. Cope, failure and then repeat. It breeds failure and guilt and stomps out all hope.
As I look back on everything in my life I can honestly say that I have become what I need to be. Im not fat, Im an athlete. Yes, I have pictures to prove it and would love for you to be on my friends list on myspace.come/doctorcutie. I have an education, although english is still my downfall. I enjoy my son Jonah and he is also a little athlete and is much better in science and math than I ever was. His father passed away and I went through that among other things. Overall, I have learned that people are just people and life turns out how we make it.
I think about who has touched my life and impacted who I am today. Honestly, for years I looked for someone to blame. The school made horrible mistakes, yes. Most likely they started out with sincere intentions and got caught up in the drama of it all and tried to go too far with their methods of therapy. They were not qualified to be dealing with people that are having emotional problems. Some things were bad and some things were good. I took some good things with me too.
Im glad they closed but at the same time it brings some definite sticking points for me as far as closure goes emotionally. I refuse to keep feeling a victim. At some point I became an adult, and I was either going to walk around bitter and resentful or become strong. It does not mean that they didnt make mistakes at the school, but it does mean that I have to change the way I feel about them or remain trapped by that time period. I hated that time period, I definately didnt want to remain stuck there emotionally.
I think that partially it was also easier for me to blame MMS rather than my parents. My parents were to blame for not helping me, the school did not help in the matter. The school did give me good communication tools though, other than the fact that I cant go to group counseling because I tend to "point out" things too much. Yep, I got the boot from group therapy. It's kind of funny even if I was royally pissed at the time. Hey, I was trying to put things to good use that I thought were constructive and helpful.
Everyday I get up and do things that my parents didnt teach me but the school did. I brush my teeth, go do my cardio and get ready for the day. I rely on some skills from each 'family'. I never go without letting my son know I love him. I want him to be able to be hugged without it seeming foreign to him.
I dont want my to correct peoples faults constantly in order to make them an average person, rather to build their strengths up and let them have to change their weakness in order to be the person they want to be. There were some errors made along the way. Something that I had to change over the last couple of years in order to become who I want to be. Blame, anger, resentment. There is a place for all of those things and in ways I know I will never have an apology. However, I dont want those things to make me the type of person that require an apology to others because my actions were based out of anger, blame, or resentment.
I hope everyone is doing ok. I hope people have families and happiness. Most of all, fairytales aside, I hope that everyone is learning to cope with life and finding people along the way that make life better.