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« on: April 26, 2006, 04:40:00 PM »
Stripe, my heart goes out to you - as someone who has suffered from a variety of symptoms, I know a bit what you are going through. Whether any of it is or was caused by experiences you had at the Seed, only you can answer that. Late teens is when many psychic, social, mental and behavioral disorders make themselves apparent, so it is hard to know for sure. For myself, I look at it this way - I was born with a certain pre-disposition for responding to stress in a certain way, and some of these tendencies were enhanced by my troublesome family environment, friends I chose, school, and yes, the Seed. But I was well on my way to developing some neuroses, Seed or not. In my case, I was a very sensitive person, tending to turn my feelings inward - I'd rather die than hurt another person, in most cases, so I went from being a little shy, to being depressed and anxious, to developing weird social phobias, complete with panic attacks, persistant troubling thoughts and feelings. I also hid this as best I could, because I had no tools to deal with these things, and admitting them only led to shame.
Over the years, I sought help in a variety of ways, and I read as much as I could and tried to integrate my knowledge with my behavior. Today, I think I am pretty healthy, but it has taken a lot of work, and also, some of this may just have dissipated with age.
I used to blame my parents, until I realized they had some of the same issues I had, expressed in different ways. We were not so different.
I don't blame the seed - my painful experiences there were really just a continuation of my painful experiences in high school and Junior High - wanting to be accepted by the group without ever really fitting in, trying to hide my supposed defects, including my mental ones, and desperate for love and attention which was not forthcoming. I was never hit, pushed or sexually abused, and yes, I was yelled at, shamed and my freedom was severly limited. I was not permitted full adulthood and I was led to believe that I couldn't handle it or maybe didn't deserve it. But I was complicit in this because I believed it. I accept responsibility for that - of course, I was a 19 year old who came into the program voluntarily, and so I can only speak for myself.
I also have fond thoughts of people and experiences I had at the Seed, but not without some bitterness regarding 'what might have been' if I had really been trusted to grow - perhaps there would have been some real, authentic 'tools' and friends I could have left with.
So, I just wanted to wish you well as you try to grapple with all of this - perhaps my experience is useful, but in the end, you are on your own. I just want ot voice my appreciation for your posts here, you've helped me to.
My god, now I feel like I am in group. Well, it is true, we can learn from each other...
w