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Messages - katiesthoughts

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1
CAN ~ Collective Action Network / Katie's Update :D
« on: January 08, 2010, 10:07:41 PM »
Hot damn. Boy has it been a while. Well its safe to say that I have a place to live LOL.. I got my own apartment on December 1st, by myself, which is where I am currently living. The rent isnt too bad.. I can afford it, but just barely. Things are looking up. I am getting my student loans in, so this next semester of school is already bought and paid for, as well as my books. I also have money left over to save for Next semester, and a few months rent. So far, everything is going well.. surprisingly. Just when I thought my life was going down the shit hole everything looked up.

I am still studying Journalism at the local community college, and I am having a good time so far (Even though the semester just started this past Monday) :P. I am currently dating someone now.. and even though I have a lot of trust issues with relationships in general, he is very supportive of me. I haven't told him about my experiences at Cross Creek either. I don't think I ever will, to be honest. My reasoning for this, is that if I continue to dredge up my past and involve it in my life NOW, I am never going to get over it. So, I am choosing to keep that part of my life in the past, where it belongs.

You know what's crazy? I was waiting to catch the bus for school the other day, and I realized.. I don't think about cross creek anymore. I don't brood over it, and I don't  worry, or get scared about it anymore. I am starting to think.. I am starting to know that I am free.

I hope you All had a good holiday!
~May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields.. Until we meet again!~ :rose:

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CAN ~ Collective Action Network / Re: Katie's Story
« on: November 04, 2009, 08:08:36 PM »
I am afraid I am going to be homeless. No place to live past December 1st. Leave it to me to screw up my life so badly I will be in a homeless shelter. Great. Just fucking great.

Someone shoot me and get it over with. :suicide:

3
CAN ~ Collective Action Network / Re: Katie's Story
« on: October 17, 2009, 04:49:15 PM »
Can it be almost a month since I posted? Wow. Seems like I have been letting myself become more and more distant lately. I want to say its due to being busy with college, but in truth I have been able to make time to post on other threads.. So I guess I have been avoiding it.

Life seems to be full of ups and downs. I swear, sometimes I get up in the morning, and I expect to see the same people I saw years ago. Sometimes I expect to be 15 again, struggling to get through the program with my dignity. In a way I guess its all apart of the healing process. Actually, lately I have been able to go days, actually weeks without being bothered by my experiences at Cross Creek.. maybe its because I am busy dealing with the other shit in my life, or maybe its because I am finally starting to heal.

College is going great. I am in some great classes (well my math is a pain in the ass and the teacher is a dumbass... but anyway) following my creative writing and journalism major.

Anyway.. I just thought I would post a quick line, I am going out with my room mate tonight, so I will continue later.. I am planning on posting another installment.. :nods:

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: October 07, 2009, 01:04:26 PM »
two hundred and twenty one!!!

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The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: Serious question..
« on: October 07, 2009, 12:57:59 PM »
Che.

Speaking as a program survivor, and a frequent poster on Fornits my opinion is this. I was restrained quite a few times. I was held to the floor by massive men, then sat on and forced to comply. I know how it feels. You, as an ex-staff have valuable information that can be used to help get some of these kiddie prisons shut down. However, like some of the things I was forced to do, we all feel regret. I am sure that you feel badly for the things you have done, becuase why else would you post here? Being honest, restraints are abusive. Yes I agree with that. But in all actuality, you have felt guilty for what you did. Speaking for myself, I would rather someone admit they were wrong and abused me, then apologize than just sit back and do nothing.

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 19, 2009, 09:42:03 AM »
215....

The number of characters in the text message:

"I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for putting all the bibles in the fiction section!"

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 17, 2009, 03:23:42 PM »
210...

two hundred and ten posts on the wall, two hundred and ten posts... Make a site, post for life... two hundred and nine posts on the WALL!!

I am bored out of my mind right now... :D

 :birthday:  :rofl:  :rocker:

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 16, 2009, 02:36:53 PM »
204

I could write how to say 204 in 204 different languages... but it would be boring!!!

So I will just do 5!

Italian: Duecento quattro
Spanish: Doscientos cuatro
Russian: ?????? ??????
Swedish: Två hundra fyra
English: two hundred four

 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 14, 2009, 11:55:17 AM »
No one ever said anything about playing nice. 199!!!


199 :suicide:

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 13, 2009, 08:15:03 PM »
178!!!!

ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT!! :seg:  :seg:  :seg:

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 13, 2009, 01:17:43 PM »
170!!!!!!!!! WHOOT!!! I WIN.

Centosettantadue

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CAN ~ Collective Action Network / Re: Katie's Story
« on: September 13, 2009, 01:06:54 PM »
:suicide:

 Lets see. Over the last few weeks, i have been faced with challenge after challenge. I seem to go to bed at night and fight with myself, because it seems like i keep making the WRONG choices and decisions. Then, i have to dig myself out of the hole, just to dig myself a new one. In so many ways... I just i feel like some days i should just stay in the hole and face the consequences of what I have done to dig myself the grave I am sitting in. But, like the fighter I am, i dig myself out and keep going. Why is that?

People have told me i am not a monster... i didn't have any choice before to hurt people.. but here i am almost 2 years later... and I DO have the choice. And like i did back then i am hurting people. Not in the crippling way i did before... but still. I seem to leave a trail of broken hearts no matter where i go.  I am so confused lately. I just... I keep setting myself up to be hurt. I keep causing pain... whether its in my own family, or with my relationships. I never understood love. I could never wrap my mind around it. Now... it seems like my heart is unable to comprehend it. I have been hurt so many times... and in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I am UNABLE to accept love.

And therein lies my problem.

For some unknown reason, all of the sudden i am a hot commodity. People see me as such a good person. Guys see me as attractive and smart. Or at least that is what they say. Thinking about it... half of the guys who claim they like me, or want to be with me, most likely are saying these things to play me so i will fuck them. WELL HEADS UP. I am not dense. I see through bullshit like it is water. I am not a person to sit back and allow myself to be hurt and walked on. I am not the shy and scared girl that men can use and abuse. I am strong, independent and I am smart.

This is my problem!! Am i too strong? Am i too independent and mistrusting? I cannot decipher REAL intentions from the fake ones. I see them all as uneal and lies. I am unable to trust people... and I hate it.

 If only there was some sort of handbook for life. I would be able to look up "love" or "relationships" in the index, and VOILA!!! I have the answer. But i have to figure it out for myself.

Sorry folks. I know this post is sorta... incoherent. but well, i know i can write what i am feeling and thinking here, and not get hurt or judged by it. I just... I need advice I guess.
-Thanks. :-

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 13, 2009, 12:40:49 PM »
168

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 08, 2009, 08:34:07 AM »
164

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The Melting Pot / Re: Count to 1 million
« on: September 06, 2009, 02:06:06 PM »
Un centinaio sessanta

One hundred Sixty

160!

160 A.D. : The first Buddhist Monks arrive in China

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