Oh, one other thing. We do martial arts as a family down at the dojo where I'm an assistant instructor.
Part of our dojo's philosophy is that martial arts is a way of life. It's about how you live away from the school as well as how you behave in class.
The school's tenets are:
Courtesy: Showing respect for yourself and others
Integrity: Honesty and truthfulness in all matters
Self-Control: Mastering our emotions and actions
Perseverence: Never giving up
Indomitable Spirit: Undefeatable attitude
We say them at the start of each class, and if you seriously break them with misbehavior outside of class, and your parents (or I guess even someone else, though narking out your friends isn't by any means *ever* solicited) tell on you, you have to give back your belt and get smoked (just the once per screw-up) and get a talking-to from the master of the school. And typically in the next class you attend, all the kids have to do extra exercise because there's a "when one does wrong, all do wrong" attitude of the master and the school for the kids. But the extra exercise is not terribly bad--nothing like the nightmare stuff of the Programs. And the master lectures all the kids periodically, at the beginning of class, about whatever issues the various kids are facing--and when a kid is mastering a difficult situation he'll stand that kid up in front of the class and talk about how well they're doing. But he *doesn't* come in class and tell you exactly what the other kid's misdeeds are---you just know who screwed up, and maybe you get some small hints about how from stuff you hear, but you aren't *told*. And while no attempt is made to conceal what happened, there's also no attempt to "tell without telling." And then they have to earn their belt back to get it back. And you never get an invitation to test for the next belt unless your attitude and behavior out of class are right, too.
We joined the dojo because self-control can be very difficult for bipolar kids (and adults) and a *good* martial arts school does a good job of teaching self-control. It particularly teaches self-control about hitting people, so that no matter how mad you are, you *don't*--unless someone is really trying to hurt you and you really do need to defend yourself from harm. And even then you learn to use the least amount of force necessary to the situation. (Although if some adult is trying to seriously injure you, or grab you, or kill you, that necessary force could be quite a lot.)
It's not the right choice for everyone. In our case, it makes a difference that it's something we're doing as a family, and that her dad and I already had enough martial arts training to be substantially ahead of her in belt level. She'd never even *think* of using what she's learning against us because she's seen us spar and seen us teach. She *knows* she'd just end up safely immobilized in a (properly controlled) joint lock and then in a world of ordinary trouble.
My parents supplemented their teaching with positive community example by taking us to a strong, smallish (45 or so), close-knit church that they attended with us, regularly. It wasn't one of those huge monster churches where nobody knows anybody, and it wasn't so small that there was nobody to hang with.
We add a positive community by attending a really good dojo regularly.
The only thing they really have in common was that we do it as a family and the activity's wholesome and that there's somebody there who talks about doing the right thing and there's an emphasis on doing the right thing.
It can be scouting, or baseball, anything wholesome with a lot of family involvement where some adult authority figure in addition to you shows and talks about growing into a decent person.
If you used to do this with anything, and don't now, maybe you could get back into it. If you never did, I don't know if there's anything you can start in the teen years that would do as well.
If it were me, I'd start some kind of physical sport you could do with your daughter---anything from jazzercize to tennis to softball---and do it with her as if you're really enjoying it (about as much as she is). Feel it out, if she wants to change activities, change. Just let her pick an activity you both do.
I don't care if it's a pole dancing class. While she's in class with you, at least for those hours, she isn't drugging or screwing or anything else antisocial. And it really needs, if at all possible, to be something physical that involves aerobic exercise to the point that you hit and get your "second wind."
The reason is that that releases all sorts of exercise-triggered endorphins and makes you feel good. What you're doing is trying to transfer her antisocial drug choices to a completely socially acceptable drug of choice--exercise--with family.
If you can get her in an activity where the instructor talks about character, more's the better, but if you can't, at this age, I'd say take what you can get.
You want to do this at least three times a week--more if you can get it.
If you have to, appeal to her vanity. Say you want to look fit and toned (or if you already work out, say you want a change), and somehow appeal to her desire to look good. Starving yourself never looks as good as nicely toned muscles--there's no attractiveness substitute for exercise.
"It's three hours a week. How much time do you spend doing your hair? You can't spare three hours a week doing something to make your body look good? Pick something fun, I'm buying."
I'm not saying it's a cure-all, but exercising together, whatever it is you do, helps at least some.
You may already do this, I don't know.
But that's the only tip I've got.
Timoclea
