Author Topic: To All Straight Survivors  (Read 5914 times)

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Offline Anonymous

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To All Straight Survivors
« on: October 25, 2002, 02:15:00 AM »
I would like to start by simply asking each of you who take the time to read this post to imagine a hypothetical situation. I apologize in advance for the seemingly crude nature but it is the closest analogy that I could come up with. Please bear with me, there is a point that I believe needs to be made.
   Two women are brutally raped. Both are stripped of their dignity, sense of security and are forever scarred by the experience. The first struggles against her assailant with all her strength but is overcome in the end. The second lies silent and motionless, hoping only that her compliance will bring this nightmare she is experiencing to a quick end and that she might live to see another day.
   My question to each of you is who among you have the audacity to judge which of them is the greater victim?
    For those of you who wear your ?mis-behaving?, cop-outs, and general non-conformity to the program as some demented badge of honor and seem to assert that you were the only ?true? victims of Straight, I ask you consider that others who acted in complete conformity, also just wanting the nightmare to end, to the SAME abusive tactics did so at an EQUALLY high price. A price that may not have been paid to the degree at which you suffered while actually in the program but one that has demanded payment each and every day that has followed.
   I began searching out sites such as this one around two weeks ago in an effort to begin facing issues that have haunted me and drastically affected nearly every aspect of my life. Deep inside I?ve always known they were a product of my experience at Straight but have found the experience of remembering those days to painful to seem worthwhile. Thinking that maybe I was far enough removed from the experience that I could begin searching for answers I found myself here.
    Though I have sincerely appreciated the comments, replies, and insight from many of your posts, the events of this past week (sleepless nights, nightmares when I have managed to fall asleep, loss of appetite, mental and physical exhaustion, fits of rage followed by extreme depression and most of all the feeling of being back in a group environment where one can reveal the deepest part of his or herself only to have their words twisted and turned against them, so reminiscent of Straight) I have decided it?s time to get back to the business of living my daily life with a focus on the future rather than the past.
   To anyone new to facing the issues of your past concerning Straight and also new to these sites, I strongly advise you to PRECEDE WITH CAUTION!!!! Though I am certain that most of the people here and other related sites desire only to promote healing both in their lives and the lives of others, I am equally certain that there are those whose intentions are quite the opposite. The problem arises of trying to discern who is who and doing so is difficult, at best, in this context. The old saying stands true ? hurt people hurt people? though probably in most case unintentionally. It is just a result of throwing this many people together that have ALL suffered at the hands of abuse. I believe a safer environment, such as one on one therapy with an OBJECTIVE professional, is probably a better option for anyone in the beginning stages of coming to terms with such extremely deep, personal and emotional issues. This is simply MY opinion and what I have learned from this whole experience. Along with fifty cents it?ll buy you a coke but my intentions are to maybe save someone the pain and confusion that I have experienced over these past two weeks.
     To those of you who plan to take Sembler head on, I pray for your success. I hope to be healed and whole enough one day to join you in the fight without it consuming me, something I do not believe I am capable of at this point.
       This will be my final post. I pray God blesses each of you and grants you the truth, justice and most of all peace that you desire and deserve.
                                                                     
                                                                                                     Sincerely,
                                                                                                               Marc Shelton
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline hedwigfan

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2002, 08:03:00 AM »
we were all victims. we all suffered. we all deserve to heal. there is strength in numbers, but this is not accomplished by casting stones.
"When the Way is lost, there is goodness.
When goodness is lost, there is morality.
When morality is lost, there is ritual.
Ritual is the husk of true faith,
the beginning of chaos...
What is a good man but a bad man's teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man's job?
If you don't understand this, you will get lost, however intelligent you are.
It is the great secret." Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
ll this world is but a play
Be thou the joyful player
\"Maya\"  The Incredible String Band

Offline Carmel

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« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2002, 09:54:00 AM »
Wish you all the best of luck Marc, and I am sorry for your pain.  I hope you find the strength to meet your goals and possibly come back here once in a while.

Try to keep in mind that a healing process is more often than not filled with painful memories and experiences.  Dont sell yourself short trying too hard to avoid pain in recovery.  I agree with you that the harshness can get a bit deep around here, but by the same token, we have the freedom to defy it and make  a stand without fear of physical or mental retribution.  Thats something we most certainly did NOT have in Straight.  Going back and facing those situations all over again, and being able reject them with confidence can be a great healing tool.

Again, good luck to you and yours,

Carmel
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
...hands went up and people hit the floor, he wasted two kids that ran for the door....."
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Offline from dallas

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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2002, 11:17:00 AM »
I agree with Anon. I was as compliant as I possibly could have been, to the extent that I started losing my sense of reality, doubting my motives constantly, haunted by the possibility that I was FOS in some way. I admitted to things I wasn't even sure if I was guilty of to clear my conscience. I lost all sense of who I was, which affects me to this day.

One of my ex-boyfriends made a comment to me about how he would never have complied - basically saying that I was a dork for going along with everything. I am by nature the type of person that respects authority, trusts those older than me, etc.  At 15 all I knew was that I was scared and wanted to go home - obeying seemed the best route.

I think it is a blessing that I was so naive while I was there that I didn't realize how completely messed up it all was. I was too young to look at the experience objectively at the time, which in some way protected me from feeling as violated as I was.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Jeff from Houston

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2002, 12:29:00 PM »
My Wife thinks that I caved in at Straight & gave them what they wanted. I was not strong enough to Misbehave or run away. But she lacks the understanding of why I did give in & just get out.  

I was far too young, too weak & too afraid to put up a fight against these Tyrants of treatment. I wanted to hide & be invisible. Sleep & day dreams became my only reality for my entire tenure. I wanted out.... After Graduation I never came back for any kind of Straight treatment, I was finally free from Hell. I cut all ties when any of my fellow phasers & grads in 6 months time.

Then again since Straight I have only been to Medical Doctor twice for a new job drug test & have never sought any  meeting or formal care for myself in any respect.
It's a damn shame that they still control this part of my life today. I learned along time ago that it only takes one distorted opinion to change your life forever.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2002, 12:44:00 PM »
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie, good doggie!" till you can get away.

I complied most of the time for two years. The only time I wasn't complying was when, on several occasions, I was in the act of splitting.

Getting back to the rapist analogy, though, what has sucked most about the experience has been having my family try and convince me that it wasn't all that bad and that maybe I deserved it. They honestly can't understand why I find such sentiments so completely insulting, hurtful and intolerable. And I'm sure they talk about their poor, loser, druggie sister in Group (AA meetings) to this day.

So I've left them with my rapist by their choice. Now, flash forward 20 years into the future. What happens when you run into your rapist and find that not only are they still free but they actually occupy positions of authority over you and your kids and all at tax payor expense?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline dreammagician

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« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2002, 02:18:00 PM »
Sounds exactly like my family. They tried so hard putting me down over the years they forgot maybe I got sometin good to give every once and a while. I'd love to stick it right back in the freakin face.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline 85 Day Jerk

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2002, 07:40:00 PM »
"When you can no longer feel pain, you no longer feel anything."  This is what Dr. Berger said to Conrad in the climatic scene
near the end of the movie "Ordinary People" It is simply amazing that I saw this movie with both parents and on a 4th phase permission no less, and still my parents remained clueless as to what was going on with us as a family.
     I wholeheartedly agree that individual therapy is the best thing.  There are ways to make the gov't pick up the tab on the cost of it as well.  As for wearing our reputation as a rebel to the program, yeah, I am not ashamed that I caused problems, but I was'nt stupid enough to push it to the point of physical abuse directed onto me.  I also eventually complied and went along with the program, and that is what makes me dangerous, because the jerk in me really never died.  These forums are a lot like a little school kid showing off a loose tooth.
The more he plays with it the closer it comes to falling out, and all he is left with after that is an empty space.  Eventually the new tooth emerges, but his schoolyard buddies have all lost interest and life goes on, and if his mother is not some drunken haggard who spent her teenage years in a harmful drug abuse program and never learned to set aside the past and make a new future, that kid may get a special treat under his pillow to make up for the loss of the tooth.  If only it were so simple for us.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Inside a warehouse behind Tyrone Mall
we walked in darkness, kept hitting the wall.
I took the time to feel for the door,
I had been \"treated\" but what the hell for?

Offline LIFE 82

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2002, 08:32:00 PM »
This site is designed to rape you of your memories of the program,to give content to this sorry (yawn) website,for others to benifit from.If you receive help,then you may be healed,and that is not good for the "Sembler fighters".As long as you stay sick then they can exploit your suffering to further thier "cau$e".If you get healed then you serve no purpose to this forum.These "straights" work on you today the same way they did during your "intake".
WHO IS MORE DAMAGED?1 week or 1 year of torture does not make a difference.I would rather be trapped on a life raft at sea with a misbehaver rather than a weak  "phaser",thats for sure.As far as who suffered more,there is no way of measuring that.Im sure that when I was misbehaving I physicaly assaulted as many people as everyone else,if not more.Who is willing to exploit you today?It probobly wont be a "misbehaver"(not many of us around).
The good thing about these websites is now there is something you can download and print to show others the UNBELIEVABLE goings on at these programs.If you are wanting to be healed,go as far from these people as you can.They are still as devious as the day they forced you to sign the intake paper.I NEVER FORCED ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING BUT GET THIER CREEPY HANDS OFF OF ME.If thats a Misbehavers Badge of Honour then I am proud to wear it.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline wayeast

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2002, 04:22:00 PM »
While I think the point of this thread is well-taken, I think the rape analogy falls short, and here's why.  Rapists don't keep at their victims until the victims actually believe the rapist is right to attack them. I don't know about the rest of you, but my decision to conform wasn't just because I had few choices; I pretty quickly came to actually believe in Straight.  I hate that fact, but it's true, and I'm not going to beat myself up about this late in the game.

While I admire the handful of people who rebelled more or less consistently, I can't and won't judge those who conformed consistently either. Even those teenagers who ended up in staff.  (The paid adults at the program can go to hell.)

It's easy to look back a decade or two after the fact and say "man, I can't believe I went along with that," but to do so forgets that we were inexperienced teenagers under constant attack. Most adults in their thirties and forties wouldn't know how to respond to that kind of nightmare, and they would end up conforming too. That's one way cults are formed.

And we were handicapped in one other important way.  Most of us had screwed up somehow before going to Straight, and Straight threw that in our faces as proof that we shouldn't trust our own judgment.  We came into the program hobbled with self-doubt, and they used it for all it was worth.

To the man whose wife judges him for not rebelling at Straight, I feel bad for you, because this woman is clueless.  Anyone who thinks they'd have responded differently as an unprepared teenager coming under that kind of pressure is just ignorant.  Only a tiny handful consistently rebelled at Straight;even those who are proudest of their rebellion (and with good reason) probably conformed the majority of the time.
The important thing in my mind is that none of us would do it the same way again. It would be interesting to know how many of us former conformists are now the ones who ask tough questions at meetings where everyone else is afraid to speak up.  I actually get kind of a creepy feeling when I'm at a meeting where everybody agrees with each other.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline kaydeejaded

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« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2002, 05:11:00 PM »
Well I conformed until I could not conform anymore then I misbehaved until I could not do that anymore then I lied and "worked" my program until 3rd phase then I ran and came back and misbehaved again. I don't think any particular thing I did was right or more couragous but it was so much easier to misbehave then to conform (for me) because the physical pain of restraints and mental of isolation was easier then standing up and playing that fucking game all the time. I was 14 there for 13mons and shipped to a looney bin. I still have great love for my misbehavor friends but no less respect for those who conformed.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
or those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don\'t, none will do

Offline Tampa survivor

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« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2002, 11:03:00 PM »
Way east, my Atl colleague nails it again.  Rarely do rape victims conform, then decide to continue help more rapes to occur.  
I misbehaved, sat and conformed as needed. Whatever worked at the time.  Most of the time it had a common goal...I WANT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.  I just couldn't play that game to the 7step...
Human nature is a trip too.  In college, I saw SO many people, of all ages who wouldn't dare go, speak, or chance something first.  Many are weak.  That is where exploitation becomes possible.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Bill H
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Offline Anonymous

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2002, 12:37:00 AM »
This has been the first helpful thread in a while.  First for the rape analogy, and the question of which victim suffers more.  I went along -- because I thought I had no other choice, and because I was quickly brainwashed.  I have my "because"s, but they are not good enough; they will never be enough to undo the shame of having gone along UNTIL I UNDERSTAND BRAINWASHING AND CULT MIND CONTROL.

Until then, I will continue to see myself as weak and feel humiliated and ashamed at the thought that I went along.

To this day there are threads on this board that reveal confusion about the issue of brainwashing and cults.

That was the first helpful thing and there were some others too but I forget now.

In one way I see the point about a seeking professional help, but on the other hand, in my experience, some of them are professional mind rapists.  See books by Alice Miller on the whole subject of psychoanalysis.  Plus a lot of us are paranoid which sets up a kind of catch-22 thing.

Aren't we all looking for an expert, some authority to say in a booming voice "YOU WERE RIGHT AND STRAIGHT WAS WRONG!"  Don't we know that already?  

Well, I guess we don't, or we wouldn't pain ourselves further.  I think there is a document on Wes' website describing the brainwashing tactics known by the US government and used precisely on us in Straight.

Hey, great question -- if we were all brilliantly happy now, could we still sue?

OF COURSE!  So quit frowning, Big Brother isn't watching to make sure you are not happy!

Y'all are freakin' cracked in the head. I jes' love it.

AH HA HA!  I love insulting people I have never met before!  I am the great and powerful Oz!  I can type words like "whiner" and "complainer", or say "let's have a song", and watch you fall to the floor weeping and gnashing your teeth!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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To All Straight Survivors
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2002, 12:57:00 AM »
Good God, this forum is like "Lord of the Flies" online!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2002, 01:14:00 AM »
This forum has done nothing but go downhill in the last few weeks. It amazes me that there are still people out there who prey on other's issues. I think it is a real shame that even the so called "Antigen" is not able to be a bit more compassionate., and for that matter, you contradict yourself. AS for the Dreammagician, well you are still just about as sick as you were in Straight. too bad that after all these years, neither of you are able to be a bit more HUMAN
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »