True Doctor Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed there were several cabs
and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that her husband had died
of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. The patch.
"The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, our instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered ...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
"So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied.
I asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB
was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment,
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
won't admit his name
