That's about how I take it. And I played it sort of the same way. I didn't understand what was going on around me most of the time. It just wasn't any of my business if others decided to fight or comply, whether they really believed or were bullshitting. But when I had newcomers, I tried hard to make home life as comfortable and dignified as I could get away with. "leave the program in the building" (leave the kid alone and let her sleep, damn it! or no fuckin' way am I gonna eat a good meal and make this girl watch while she stuffs down another PBJ') I'm not sure how or why I got away with it, maybe it's just that spooky kid quality you must have noted the one time we met. Who the fuck knows.
But there were only two times I can remember when I dared take the chance of explicitly stating wtf I was trying to do. One time I had a newcomer who was over 18. I just asked her why in the world she stayed when she could walk out the door any time she pleased. I told her I would if I were 18. She said she had no place to go, her Dad wouldn't take her back home. I said but... you're 18! You can get a job, rent an appartment, do whatever you want! I had tried 3 times already to strike out on my own as a minor. Shari dissapeared shortly thereafter. I like to suppose that her dad wised up and took her home. But I'll never know unless she looks me up.
The other time was when Holly R****** got brought back from splitting. They worked her over hard and they broke her that week. She had always been resillient, full of humor. Like that cockroach story Bob told just recently? That's the kind of thing Holly would do, laughing all the way to the floor. But this time was different. Just just fucking gave up, seemed almost catatonic. At home, she wouldn't brush her teeth. That worried me a lot. She had such a beautiful smile and I remembered what a pain she had always been about it. Didn't matter if we were running late or anything else, she had always insisted on taking her time, taking care of her teeth. I did NOT resent her for it, but I'm sure I acted as if I did. It was sort of a rule.
Well on this night, Holly hadn't brushed her teeth in days (I don't think she was eating, either, she was just not doing or responding to anything, she was wrecked!) The other oldcomer was worried about getting into trouble. I sort of arranged it so that I'd be alone in the bathroom w/ Holly so we could talk. I just told her look, just say wtf they want to hear. We'll all get out one way or another and pretty soon, and you'll still have your teeth so take care of them. I also told her that if she ever turned me in for saying that I'd hunt her down and make her pay. She never did. She brushed her teeth.
Looking back, I probably did contribute to fucking her up just that one little degree more. But I was a 17yo kid who'd been living in the Twilight Zone for years already. I've always tried to be a decent human being. I never
wanted anybody to buy into that bullshit. I just tried to soften the blow wherever I could w/o getting creamed myself in the process.
In retrospect, I'm sorry I didn't hang around and help close that place down. But, then again, I'm not sure it would have done any good or that I would have been able to handle dancing w/ that draggon w/o completely losing my mind. I ran away and didn't look back for a number of years because I needed to for my own sanity.
I think there are only the rare few Super Straightlings who believe to this day that the Program was good and we all who rejected it must be crazy. Most of us are just a lot more decent than that.
Men had better be without education than be educated by their rulers.
--Thomas Hodgskin
