Author Topic: A Message From The United States Department Of Education  (Read 1348 times)

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Offline Antigen

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A Message From The United States Department Of Education
« on: April 01, 2005, 01:39:00 AM »
Thursday, March 31, 2005 12:05:30 PM
A Message From The United States Department Of Education

 Because of the suspected use of performance enhancing substances by the overwhelming majority of people in the artistic community, a number of great works have now been called into question.

As a result, the United States Department of Education has been forced to place an asterisk beside numerous pieces once considered to be part of the classical canon.

In literature, for example, works by William Shakespeare, Mark Twain and Ernest Hemingway -- each of whom is suspected of using various stimulants to assist in the creative process -- will now be crossed off mandatory reading lists.


 
Hamlet and the Mona Lisa are just two of the classic works which will now carry an asterisk.


Likewise, paintings by suspected drug users Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali will be torn out of all artistic text books from this point forward.

Furthermore, music recordings will now be taped over so that the creations of alleged abusers of performance enhancing substances -- i.e., every piece of music written so far -- are not provided an unfair advantage over musicians who choose to remain sober and drug-free.

Together with the Bush administration and the United States Congress, the Department of Education hopes that from now on American students will be free to enjoy the three remaining works of art at their disposal.

http://www.chortler.com/1650aster.shtml

The legislature is to society as a physician is to the patient. If a physician ignored side effects of medications like today's legislators ignore the side effects of their legislation, the physician would be accused of malpractice. I accuse today's legislators (with rare exception) of legislative malpractice. Many of the ills that are so obvious in our society are a direct result of previous legislation. Their solution? More laws!
-- John A. Bennett, DO

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Erinys

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A Message From The United States Department Of Education
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2005, 02:54:00 PM »
It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then --just to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon

I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job.

I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.

I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty.
-- John Adams, (1772)

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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A Message From The United States Department Of Education
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2005, 08:53:00 PM »
Ahhh...those were both funny.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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A Message From The United States Department Of Education
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2012, 01:56:44 AM »
my brain hurts
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »