Kris,
To some extent I found it ironic to hear that question. How many of us asked the same type of thing from the other direction while we were on our phases? When do I stop wanting to do drugs? When does my self talk get in line with my current reality? etc etc.
And the answer unfortunately is much the same as it was then- it happens when it happens.
The program was corrupt no doubt, but some of the stuff we were taught was based on solid truths For instance, some of the RSA/RSC stuff was included in my stress management classes last year.
My first few months of therapy this year were extremely difficult, I wanted to stop and run, to escape it. The dredging up of old emotions was painful and discouraging. But my therapist specializes in post cult stress disorders, and having survived a religious cult herself (eckankar)- she could help me to see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps the best cure for the sense of isolation was when we formed our group for cult support. When are small, only three or four people, and this is in the Bay Area- cult central, the home of Synanon- the grand-daddy of all treatment cults.
It was very difficult to attend the group at first- irrational fears of being back in the program were rampant. But I managed to go a few times, and now I value the experience each month as a chance to feel less differentiated.
In my case sexual issues were a big deal, having been abused for so long, and then fed the whole sex/drug-problem-bullshit-line from the group- I would recoil violently if my spouse rolled over at night and touched me.
So I learned that there are a number of ways to treat such issues. As I already said, I took a chance on cognitive therapy, and that was a good choice. But I found that I had to practice my own exposure therapy as well. I had to put myself into sex positive situations as we have discussed, and to do it repeatedly.
Slowly, very slowly I began to see my startle response decreasing, my nightmares declining, and my fear of social interaction, and the sense of being isolated and different slip away. It is not gone by anymeans, but it has become far more manageable. As my sister said this weekend- I am powerless over straight.
Being a radical queer atheist, SF was a natural destination for me. But other things were helpful. I took in a homeless person with AIDS for a year and provided a home for him- thus learning something of other peoples real life struggles. I attended a couple of rainbow family gatherings, submerging myself in a intentional community that was drastically different than the mainstream, and surrounding myself with people who were quite comfortable with their own alternative realities. I became a hardcore deadhead, and that environment was a very positive one for me in countering the ideology of the cult.
Frankly in the end it is a different road for everyone. Of course, we were programmed to believe that there is a set of answers, a set of rules for living, that someone outside ourselves can give us that set of directions, or that we can run our lives using a set of seven steps etc. We were conditioned to believe that life was a black and white thing where there was an absolute good and an absolute evil, and no shades of grey in between.
Nothing could be further from reality. we each needed our own help, and for each of us there were different issues. In that light we will each have to find our own combination of recovery modalities. Some of us will find that we can not drink even one drink without being overwhelmed with guilt or shame. Others will end up drinking socially without concern. The same will go for most aspects of our lives.
As Ginger said, "I've had about all the help I can stand". Some will find it impossible to go back into any kind of structured therapy, as I did for 18 years, and others will find it useful to participate in either group or individual therapy.
Unfortunately it is a hit and miss process, again there is is no black/white reality here.
[ This Message was edited by: James on 2002-10-14 16:23 ]
