The uncertainty in a rap was in itself one of the characteristics of a rap. You did not know what was going to happen. And as with every other thing on the planet, you become desensitized to any atmosphere somewhat as you are in it. As I moved through the program, I would become used to almost everything I will describe. At first I felt sometimes like I was about to witness a terrible act of brutality. Raps were very aggressive. Physically, I mean; sometimes I thought a person was just going to snap and kick the living shit out of the person laying the indictment on them. I know it happened occasionally, as I witnessed some very close calls. For it seemed often that the staff were TRYING to get you to go off of the deep end. It was the staff and older students that kept the feeling of uncertainty alive in raps all of the time.
Sometimes I even felt like I might see someone die. The terrific impact of internalized feelings being coaxed or forced out purposefully is amazing to behold. I saw all sorts of physical alterations. Veins and capillaries bursting in the face and eyes from leaning towards the floor and screaming at their mother or father. The imagined faces were mouthing insults insinuated by the staff members. I saw faces turn so purple from anger being coerced out of them that blood ran freely from the nose. I have choked on mucus trying to breathe. I have helped young men and women off of the floor who had passed into unconcioussness from yelling at themselves, and telling themselves or others the most horrific things.
Occasionally, even after I had been there for a while, I would feel still that things were somehow staged. Especially if there was one of the VIPs running the rap that day, then there would really be a show. The expectations were great and the rewards painful if you could not perform the rituals correctly. You had to participate every time. You could not really go more than one or two hours without being at the very least vocal.
