why i am anonymous

[mental torture made me li]

this is a touchy subject and I will likely delete it. it is difficult to talk about parents because there is an innate or enculturated feeling that one must be loyal to one's parents no matter what, that it is betrayal to speak unfavorably of them.

i have given thought to why i will not even reveal my first name, and beyond that, why i will not give certain revealing details about myself or my life.

one reason that i think is the biggest reason is that my parents, most especially my mother, invaded my privacy to a treacherous degree after she put me in Straight. she not only gave away my clothes and certain things that were dear to me, connections with friends and the person i was, she also invaded my journals.

one of my friends, way before I was put in straight, said "don't keep a diary! there will just be another R*** F*** incident!" (a girl who had her journal stolen, read, and used to humiliate her by some other people).

well how right he was. some of the deepest and most long-lasting pain from straight is that my parents saw the very private side of me. they invaded EVERYTHING. my room, my books, my clothes, my journals. they stole from me. they ripped me away from my friends, and that was a physical pain the first few days I was in there. home was terrible. i spent as much time as possible with friends. i snuck out in the middle of the night to go to Denny's with them, just to shoot the shit, just to be with them.

i have had the unexplainable feeling that i did not exist after straight.

i have had the feeling that if i even listened to my favorite music, to this day, in front of my mother, that it would be dangerous.

i miss you john xxxx.[ This Message was edited by: Pietra on 2005-01-09 20:29 ]

[shady grove]

Interesting insight.

I remember a girl in Straight who's mom brought in her diary and a staff member read it to the group! I don't remember what I thought then, probably some lame shit like "she brought it on herself", but now I am mortified by it. Even if the parents were crazy enough to bring an item like this in, any professional should have had the insight to know how sensitive this material is and how damaging its misuse could be. They should have gave that sucker right back. I bet the parents had no idea it was gonna be read to a crowd of 200 boys and girls!

[irvingbound]

one reason that i think is the biggest reason is that my parents, most especially my mother, invaded my privacy to a treacherous degree after she put me in Straight. she not only gave away my clothes and certain things that were dear to me, connections with friends and the person i was, she also invaded my journals.

Hey I understand that....When I went into Straight I had a skaters mohawk, wore a lot of spikes, had a leather jacket that had some great pics painted on it from a buddy who then died when I was in Straight.....and all of it....everything of mine that was at my folks house was either thrown away or sold in a garage sale when I was in....My folks even moved from my hometown to Dallas so when I got out I wouldn't be near my friends...which didn't work....I got out and my buddy was wearing one of my shirts....he bought at what they called the "Selling of D's sole sale".....It was hard....but you shouldn't hide behind the problems of the past....like inside....we all went through similar things....and you know what I do care about the folks that were there.....I didn't then....but looking back I feel for what was.  

I let my folks off the hook....It was the Regan years....everyone thought if you smoked a joint you were on the way to herion....they were freaked out....they made some mistakes....so did I (plenty) and at some point you have to reach inside and say...."Im ok...what I've been through is just a step in life..."

D