picking up the pieces

[dreammagician]

So rightious the ones who developed this program. How successfully they were in control pyschologically and physically. My family is still brainwashed into beleiving the good this program had. One brother of mine still raps up every conversation with I love ya, just like in the old straight days. And my parents still do it. My younger brother though doesn't, and raps up conversations with cool. I like this alot better than anything associated with that shit program. I was held there for over three hell years and even though I have been out for over twenty years I still feel the presence and inevitalbe victory that straight has proclaimed in my family. I have long stopped trying to convince them of how bad straight was because I always get the same crap. I basically have given up on any idea of a normal family life. Actually I still hate my family for everything that I have been put through. It is cool though that one of my brothers got married to a cool girl who's mom was a hippie in the 60's and she grew up around pot. They got married and had a baby about 6 months ago and he is alittle more on my side of the realm than with the rest of the family. A little releif.

[hedwigfan]

Sorry, this is a little long...
  I know what you mean about your family's continued involvement. After almost 20 years, my parents still attend some sort of  Straight parent group and regularly invite these people to our family birthdays and such. It's extremely uncomfortable for me. (I am married with 12 year old twin boys).                                         I'm starting to re-experience a lot of feelings toward my family because I've just started therapy. If I've ever tried to discuss what happened in Straight with my family, I've gotten, "Well, don't you think Straight saved your life?"
  I was basically held against my will for 5 months on 1st phase. I was 20, and every time I'd try to sign out, I was taken to a room and informed that I wasn't going anywhere except jail because I was "court-ordered". This was a LIE and breaks all the laws regarding informed consent.
  The clincher came when I finally "changed" and started "working the program." I ABANDONED MY SPIRIT & femininity and all the things that made me unique; even traded my long hair for a Straight haircut.
  Straight was a cult and those of us who were there long enough were brainwashed into accepting what happened there everyday as "the norm." I even went on staff for a few months, thinking I'd somehow help others.
  Some fellow staffers and I became very active in 12 step meetings, and realized that AA and NA didn't treat people with confrontation and humiliation. When we approached the executive staff about "reforming group" into a kinder, gentler environment, our ideas were met with zero enthusiasm. I decided to leave staff. Right before I left, I took a long weekend off, and that's when the infamous bathroom incident happened. When I returned on Monday and started hearing about all the shit that went down that weekend, I was filled with disgust and with guilt for having even been on staff there at all. I left and never came back.
  It didn't take long to realize that I was neither an addict or alcoholic. Bit by bit, I started to emerge from the "Straight haze" I was in for so long. My parents worked at Straight for a while after I left. I don't talk to them about it at all, and I wonder if they really know/knew what was going on behind closed doors. I didn't have it as bad as many people did, for sure. But, who would knowingly subject their child to such emotional and physical abuse at the hands of others? I'm trying to regain parts of myself that were lost back then, I hope not permanently, and I really don't remember alot of 1983-1985.
  I just glad that my feelings are finally being validated, thanks to this forum. Thanks for letting me vent.
  "Inside I'm hollowed out
   Outside's a paper shroud, and all the rest's illusion.
   Where there's a will and soul
   We can wrest control from chaos and confusion."  Stephen Trask, "hedwig and the angry inch

[kpickle39]

For years my parents gave me that bullshit line "straight saved your life".  And as we all know that is bullshit.  In fact, straight damn near killed me or caused me to try and kill myself.  Tied a belt around my neck, and attached the other end to a jungle gym and jumped off..........fortunately for me the belt was one of those stretchy kinds from the '80s and broke.  My neck was bruised and sore as hell for about a week, but other than that I was no worse off for the experience.   I was in the program for almost 15 months......Dec '78 to either Feburay or March of '80.  It's been so long ago, I really can't remember the month I graduated.  

As I grew up and became more "normal" and graudated from college, my parents until last year used to say "look what you have done with yourself because of straight"   And to that I reply "...look what I've done IN SPITE OF STRAIGHT".   For years I did not speak of the autrocities that happend to me and other's during my time in group (and in my foster home).   About 1.5 years ago when I found the websites, especially Wes's, I decided I would tell them the truth.  It was hard on them, they still thought that Straight was the best thing since sliced bread.   They still said that straight helped me.  So I asked them.....how does getting 8 - 10 ounces of water a day help me get straight.  How does getting 3 - 5 hours sleep for 15 months help me get straight.  How about the shit diet, how about getting sat on and falsely imprisoned after I turned 18 help me.  How does after having shit in my pants on 1st phase and sitting in it for 12 hours help me get straight.  How does having to sleep on a terazza floor w/only a sheet help me.  How does having food witheld from me for acting like a "jerk" help me.  How does getting sucker punched in the side of the head for sleeping in group help me?   How does being denied medicine when I was sick help me.  How does being restrained and sat on for hours help me?   How about being thrown into a wall at my foster home for reading a damn ceral box help me get myu life together?   I could go on and on (and I did to my parents).  I then informed them about the Semblers and their rise to power on the  backs and souls of children adn I spoke about Miller (Satan) Newton adn the bitch Helen Peterman and how they treated us.   Little-by-little over a 1.5 year time period I would not let up.  When ever I got the chance I would speak the truth.  My parents today think Straight was a crock of shit and do not speak highly of it at all.   Take the chance ... don't let up and I bet they will see things truthfully  eventually.     Good luck.......

[dreammagician]

Sometimes it's hard. The feelings and emotions that happen to be within. I hate Newton.

[dreammagician]

I have tried and tried. I never want to give up but it is hard. I wish you were with me when I attempted next to put straight down. Thankyou so much for trying to help in my situation. You don't know how much it means to me. I am so desparate, yet so far down now that it is hard to get anywhere in this area. After all, all I am is a useless piece of shit. I find it hard to get over all of this emotional stuff, but I will keep trying and who knows, maybe one day will have sweet victory.

[Tampa survivor]

I must say that although any who knew me during the darkest days of straight would've concluded that my spirit had been broken, that was the furthest thing from possible.  I did over 500 days on 1st phase. Sound impossible?  Take 2 years, add one very defiant and confused 14-15 year old, gullible parents and Miller Newton.  Shake well.  Split 5 times, all from higher phases, including 5th.  Laugh at Miller Newton at his son's wedding, as I was drug free and NEVER graduated. Laugh seeing seven steppers on drugs.  Laugh even harder seeing south tampa rich boy seven steppers working on a lawn crew.
Yeah, kpickle hits it right on the head, and his diatribe should be copied to any parent who still believes.  My mom feels so guilty, and my dad is just now able to admit they didn't save my life, but that WE did. They backed off, and things worked out fine.  Well well, didn't the psychiatrist tell them that before they interred me?  yeah.
Parents wanted to control us, and believing that anything other than their way was wrong made straight seem so right.
Those of us with teens of our own are learning to either follow our parents mistakes or learn from them.  I know my parents wanted to help.  I was a mess at 14.  I did not need straight, I needed HELP adjusting to a major cross country move and adolescence..  Wow, it took them a while to listen.  I am so glad that I never gave in.  
Bill

[Tampa survivor]

Dream Man,
For one second, do not believe that you are alone.  Fo the last 20 years I heard my parents talk about what a great thing straight was, they saved us all, etc.  Even my sister believed that hogshit they fed them.  It cut me like a knife.  I wanted to say everything KPICKLE said above to them but couldnt for so long.  
After thinking it was always gonna be that way, my DAD, of all people called earlier this year and said to " search up straight" on the net, and gave me WES's website link.   People listen when they are ready to hear.  My dad is slowly accepting, but still will not denounce the program.  My thoughts are with you, as the ones you love are still not listening to thier kid.  I am sorry for that.  Just remember, that if MY dad, Millers buddy, Semblers donor, can learn to listen, anybody can.
HANG ON.
Bill