I don't know, that just seems to fit...
Not that I was in a zombie brainswashed state. On the other hand, I wasn't exercising my full free will either. So, here I will try to get a sense of inside the Seed mind...so let's go back 20 years, and imagine what's going through my head...
So it's a Rap. Relationships, Gratitute, First Things First - whatever. I'm in my early 20s, I graduated a couple of years ago, but I live and work with other Seed graduates and come into the Raps at the end of the day.
So there I am. Listening to somebody relate - tell their story, within a certain proscribed formula - basically, everything I did before the Seed sucked, I was a dumbass/fuckup, but now, thanks to Art and the Seed, I am happy and grateful - not that I'm a 'super-seedling' or anything!' Within the confines of these limits, different people told different stories. One might be a girl who was 'into acceptance' with her 'old druggie friends' and 'would do anything' to get high (slut?). One might be a guy who says,
'there was nothing I wouldn't do to anyone - nothing. Not that I was no badass, or anything like that, but I just didn't give a shit.'(junkie?) Or, there might be the funny guy, who would talk about what a pretty boy, redneck, dumbass, or hick he or she had been, and make you laugh, or the super emotional person who would always, ALWAYS, start to cry (and make you want to cry too). Anyway, I'm sitting there, and some of this is really funny, or sad, or moving - it's entertaining. It's also sort of limiting, because nobody ever actually says 'I was a junkie' (because that might be trying to be cool) or 'I was a slut' (because that might be titillating). And nobody ever talks about how they disagree with anyone else, or disagree witht the Seed pholisophy, ideas, lifestyle. To do so is ungrateful and 'fucked up.'
So I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking - why am I still here? I'm not stupid. I realize that the Seed requires me to do certain things I don't agree with - oversimplify everything, limit contact with 'non-Seedlings,' ask permission to date or go to school - but I comply. Why? My thinking might go like this...
"Hmmm, I'd really like to go to school someday. I could probably get decent grades. But, staff's never told me that's something to think about. In fact, they seem to think that I'm sort of inclined to 'get into my head' about that kind of thing, and I know they're right. I used to think I was so smart and all, and look where it got me. Oh well. Besides, do I want to be like my parents - like my career and what I do means anything anyway? Well, I guess I'll wait. I think I'm just being selfish - I should just focus on the newcomers. And I'm also probably getting my 'head all out of whack,' thinking I'm special or something. I wish I could be grateful and cry like some people do. But I'm still kind of into my head - I'm sort of weird, really. Maybe some day I'll be like everyone else...maybe some day, I'll get asked to be on staff or something anyway, that would be amazing...but maybe I'm just being too into acceptance...after all, 'ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die' as some seed person once told me...Oh, that girl I really like is talking...I wonder if she ever thinks of me? Maybe I'm allowing myself to get into my head about it...but I seem to think of her all the time...maybe some day...the other day, she looked at me and smiled when she was serving coolaid...I don't know, it seemed special...but I'm probably fooling myself...shit, we're going outside to play baseball. That means I'll stand in the outfield while all the good players, who are on Art's team, will have fun and win. Too bad sports are important here, too, just like Junior High all over again...but why am I being so ungrateful? After all, I am learning to get better, a little anyway...I hate it when everybody cheers for me when I strike out, it's nice but then I feel even worse...I hate it when people feel sorry for me. To bad the things I'm good at never seem to count...I'm so weird...I have to stop thinking that way...Oh wow, here comes Art, wonder if he'll smile at me - yes! He did! I think he knows I'm trying so hard. I'm sure he doesn't think I'm very special - I never get asked to be on his team, or sit at the side of the group like some special people do - I think they're like Junior staff? I don't know. 'Ours is but too do or die...'
Alright, that's about the extent of my thinking, over and over for seven years...is that good or bad? I don't know. That was just my life, my inner dialog, my attempt to be a good seedling.
