He was a metalhead from Rockville, MD and came into the Springfield, VA program maybe like a couple of months after me, but he was one of those kids who assessed his situation and just decided that the best thing to do was just to kinda go along and not draw heat. i don't think he ever misbehaved or anything. Suddenly i can remember him standing up in group while still on 1st phase, kinda timid-like, half nervous and half cool, hoping for the best. i remember the tension in his speech, his hands gesturing nervously and the way he looked around at the group as he stood in their midst trying to gage their mood, well aware of his tenuous position.
He made 2nd phase before me and at one point became my oldcomer. Every night when we left the straight building his mom would drive us to her townhouse in Rockville. When we got there she would cook us something to eat and Jim and i would do that whole M.I. routine thing. Then Jim would get out a pack of playin' cards and we would have push-up contests. Whatever # was on the card you flipped over was the # of push-ups you had to do. Face cards were worth 10, i think. We got into it and enjoyed the friendly competition and i often did as many as 300 push-ups a night. We became freinds.
Then what happened? ...let's see... Well i lived w/Jim Brown and his mom for a while, 'till i got transferred to another host home for some reason. But though i no longer lived at his house, Jim continued to watch out for me and remain concerned about my progress or lack there of. When he did finally graduate from the program he would still come into group every so often and stand in the back and show me signs of support.
i, too eventually graduated, probably about 6 or 7 months after Jim. One day i got the news that he had been changing a flat tire, on his Toyota MR2, which he thought was so cool, on the side of interstate 95 somewhere down in Florida, when he was hit and killed instantly by a tractor trailer. He might'a' been 18.
i find myself wonderin' what really happened to Jim. i wonder what went through his mind just before he died. i'm kinda stuggeling here to find my words but i wonder if Jim ever felt crushed, lost and beaten, as i felt after straight. i wonder if he might'a' felt demoralized, ostracized and stigmatized, the way i did. i wonder if he just felt like he'd been raped so many times that he lost his will to live. i wonder if he might'a' saw that truck a comin' and just might'a'been relieved to die. i don't know...i wonder.
i went to the funeral. It was a closed casket. There were a lot of people from straight there. As the service let out i saw his mom standing amidst a crowd of sympathizers just outside the church doors. i instinctively called out to her by the only name i ever knew her: "mom"! i will never forget the way she turned toward me. Our eyes were filled w/tears as we reached to embrace one another. Looking back i realize that i only intensified her heartbreak by addressing her as "mom". It was not intentional, it was simply the way all newcomers addressed their host-mothers. it was the only thing i had ever called her. i don't think i'll ever forget that irrational and desperate glimmer of hope that i saw in her red and weary eyes as she grieved and wailed for her son and i called her "mom" and held her tight against me. i will never forget that.
i dreampt i was standing in front of a casket. The lower lid of the casket was raised up and my friends' bones were sticking out. i gently put the bones back in the casket and closed the lid.
Rest in peace Jim Brown and God have mercy on your mother.
