a little something

[Anonymous]

I was wondering if anybody heard anything on lulu's trial coming up?

And I am not one to blame people, I do beleive strongly in accepting your own actions but as I get older I do get wiser.Having said that I would like to say to the Newtons and to the parents of Kids,Maybe your kid had a problem with drugs,maybe your kid had a food disorder or even a behavior Problem,but who in the name of God do you think you are trying to control and manipulate your loved ones mind.Kids was not about sobreity,It was about power yes POWER.I am now 27 years old and have seen enough shit in my life to write 100 books,My mom believed that because my cousin had a problem with heroin and since he was hyper than I was destined for the same thing, Guess what (never happened)before or after Kids.I don't even have any points on my license.So to everyone who was responsable for putting there kid in Kids and to those who ran it. Slamming someone on the floor because his or her hands aren't showing and covering there noise and mouth is ABUSE, Laughing in someones face and screaming at them 24/7 is ABUSE.Attempting to control ones sexuality is ABUSE.Starving a person because they didn't get up in group that day ( and we all know staff had a list of who to call on) is ABUSE.Taking away a childhood for money and power is ABUSE.The names of those who died from suicide is a result of ABUSE.Kids didn't teach me how to live, they taught me how I could die,But I am not dead, so FUCK YOU.I was child and I was lost an in need of love because I felt I wasn't loved at home.You people didn't give me love, my fellow kids however did, a love which bonds our souls together in time forever.So fuck you and your dam connections to the the republic party of those which supported you and your power cause.You ruined alot of lives,you hurt a lot of people.I would sue your ass off but the state would never allow it because I was out more than two years before I knew i could do anything,(yes I did my homework) I'll win and expose your ass to the world.God loves,but he will judge.To those who are dead ,Your life will never be in vain in my eyes God Bless all of you even the advasary's

[MR. Z]

Bravo!!! A person who speaks their mind. You have my respect. You mention false love from kids. I was never on staff but I think some of the staff members got off on the POWER!! Bob M used to fuck with my head every chance he could get... In my head I thought he was a god because he cared... When I got out it took me along time to trust anyone.. I thought everyone was like that staff member trying to fuck with me!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I strongly agree with most of both of your messages posted. But lets try to keep in mind that staff were victoms as well of scumbag miller and his whore wife ruth ann. I was stuck in kids for 5 years as well as a staff member. The prison I was deepest in was in my mind and at times still am 12 years later. What the newtons did went much further than the physical obvious. Being on staff I was in mental torture just as I was on 1st phase. We can't blame every staff member for our resentments. Ultimatly there is one demon and that is the newtons. I look forward to the day I can shit on their graves.

[Anonymous]

I didn't mean all staff members. Some staff members looked sad when they set me back. I knew they were only following newtons orders. I just had to mention Bob M. That guy showed no mercey in fucking with my head. I'm sorry to any one out there that were on staff. I did not mean to say you were bad people. It's just that some more than others loved the power to make people feel like shit....

[Christy]

As a staff member, I was so freakin' riddled with b.s. I can not even tell you.  I felt guilty for giving other kids a hard time- yet scared to be thought of as enabling.  Survival instinct took over.  
My compassion was overwhelming but my instinct for survival never went away b/c I felt I was never safe from a setback, which was a powerful way to be vulnerable.  
I tried as staff, to be "soft," and  "caring" - but newton was critiquing my every move so I followed suit like a freakin' robot pansied-ass fool. Continuing the insanity out of fear. I empowered that freak-show of a man for my own self-preservation and I feel sick thinking of my role in that program. I am so sorry for any I hurt in that time.  My contribution to the existance of such a place makes me ill.  Man, I wish I had it to do all over again! Why was I scared of him?  Why did I give him such power over me?  I knew he was bullshit all along.  As a non- alcoholic, terribly mis-placed teen; his hold on me was much less powerful b/c I did not feel desperate for help and desperate to believe his b.s. - I simply felt trapped and intimidated by his power over my parents.  Later, I stayed on as Staff even when I thought my parent's would support me leaving b/c I was full of confusion and that place was my life from 16 to 19 and I was terrified to leave. I was so caught up in the friendships I had there.
Leaving was, to date, the hardest thing I have ever done - and I hate to admit it but the effects of all of that experience has so f-ed me up since when I have least expected it. I left there a basket case on March 8th, 1989 - my Father helped me (forced me) to find the strength.  I have often felt robbed and stunted by the whole experience - wondering how life would have proceeded without it.  Maybe I was destined to be a f-up, but I don't think so.  HE f-ed me up, I think without that place I would have evolved thru my rebellion and been just fine.
I thank God, I am fine today.  Happy, healthy, grounded, rational, and OK.  Miller & Ruth Ann -  you did not break me - you simply forced me thru an experience that left me all the wiser in adult years.  I don't take shit from anyone anymore, I filled my quota with you.  I think for myself, act for myself and answer to myself.
WHO DO YOU ANSWER TO FOR ALL THE SUFFERING AND DAMAGE YOUR EGO'S CAUSED?

[MR. Z]

That fear of being set back is  a fear I can't describe to anyone who wasn't in kids. I don't know you Christy because I was in kids from 1991-1994 but I respect what you said. Newtons control over most of us was something I can't explain. It still makes it hard to trust people who don't know the hell we were in. My family ask me about the four years in kids but they don't get the FEAR this man put in me....Has anyone had trouble talking to their wife or husband about it? I try and my wife says I should see some one because I still get nightmares. I tell her I can't trust anyone who makes money off me telling them my problems. It's like Newton all over in my head.