Day 46 - Moral Inventory - 9/12/75 (Open Meeting)
I had a great day today. I learned alot. I got stood up today for copying what people were saying. I wasn't taking the time to really stop & think & relate it to myself.
Everybody told me that I was being a real follower by just agreeing with everybody & I was just being a crowd pleaser by not saying how I really feel about things & myself.
Then I started really seein' where I was at. I was feeling sorry for myself & I was crying & everything. Then Darlene said that I was just looking at the way that I was & making myself feel like I didn't deserve to get straight not respecting myself at all & that's exactly how I felt & she also said that I really wanted everybody else to be happy & get straight, because I really say how I feel when somebody else is full of shit, but that I don't give myself credit where it is deserved with me.
That I really don't respect myself & she said that the rap we had yesterday must have really slapped me in the face & I said yes & I said that my oldcomer said that he didn't get anything out of what I said & she smiled & shook her head & told everybody what I said "that my grandpa always told me to use my common sense" & everybody laughed. Then Darlene said how seriously I was taking everything & I could really see that & she said I was making things hard on myself on purpose by taking things so seriously & analyzing everything. And I just started seeing everything stupid that I'd been doing and I started laughing & Cliff asked me if I knew what I just did & I said "What" & he said that I just laughed at myself & I laughed again & he said that's a sign of getting well & said that everybody seen me laughing at myself so I wouldn't have any excuse to do it anymore & I agreed & then Darlene asked me if I understood everything that everybody told me and I said that they made it real clear & then Darlene & the chicks started singing 'I can see clearly now that the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way...' And I started laughing and crying and then Darlene said that everything we sing at the Seed means something & I felt great boy then I sat down.
And we were talking for about another hour before exercises & I was relating & really saying how I felt & really felt great & could tell that everybody got something out of what I said.
Then we had Homes Rap & they told me that they already talked to me & that I was doing real good but I got alot to do & if I keep in mind everything that everybody told me that I should be able to go home next week & then Cliff asked me if I thought I was ready to go home & I said no & he said OK & I said OK, then everybody said that they loved me.
Then I got to talk to my parents during the open meeting tonite & I asked them if they called Bill & Craigs parents about enrolling in the program & mom said that she called Bill's mom & she thought that he was doing really good & didn't need any help. Then I asked her to call the parents of Craig, Carol, Ruth, & Martha & they said they would & mom said that everything was great at home & Suzanne (my sister) still isn't sure if I was here on my own free will but she will see soon enough.
I LOVE YOU
Goals: Bust my ass all the time and work for me
