Losing confidence in everything. You know how Straight passed that on with the abuse it dished out? Completely stripped of any decision-making skills? Doubtful of every single thought you made? That has been one of the most damaging things to live with. How was it that we were forced into having razor sharp consciences that we slit our own wrists with? I?m not even by far one of the worst head gamers, but I know I have a problem with it.
Confrontation is a word that to this day only means something terrible. Hearing that word makes me cringe. Learning to ?confront? someone was another one of the worst skills I?ve ever picked up in my life thanks to Straight. Screaming and yelling relentlessly is not what real confronting is supposed to be. They take this perfectly healthy word, and turn it into a plague. It?s like forcing abandonment. I guess that?s what we were trying to do, or, trained to do. Force people to abandon themselves.
Shaming myself to death for no reason. Something disappoints me and suddenly, it?s my fault in my mind. I feel guilt and shame. That?s what leads down the road to suicide thoughts. Like I can finally understand that I?m useless, and the world will be ?better off? if I?m gone. I?m not saying it?s an intention, just following a thought all the way to, ?Your nothing! You?re a worthless piece of shit!? Why do those voices from almost twenty years ago still echo in my ears? It could be fine, and all of the sudden it hits me like a sledgehammer, and I?m no one all over again.
There?s a lot of things that are imbedded in me like traits that I have to do a daily check on, and have a tendency not to always have the best control over my emotions. I lose patience, or get upset and I?m in tears. I know I?m borderline, but I also have a better handle on it than I could have. We (Borderlines) are very sensitive,
overly sensitive , but with the right direction, it can actually be one of our most appealing traits. I?ve always been admired for seeming to have a very passionate nature. I?ve also been called dramatic. I hate being labeled, but acceptance grew to understanding. Understanding gave me a choice, and I know what the right thing to do is now usually, but definitely not always. Sometimes I wonder if any of what I write actually conveys the message I?m trying to get across at all. (Losing confidence in everything again.)
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
