I was going through some old things today and found the following letter. I have quoted it exactly as written, except for chaning the spelling and changing all the names. My parents divorced because I finally told my mother that my dad had been sexually molesting me for years. This was the letter that followed the divorce:
"11/21/85
2:45 pm
Hi K-
I have been stalling for over a week trying to decide how or what to say to you that would make everything ok for you, there is nothing that I can say that would make everything right, but please K- don?t hate me. I was very very wrong in the way I conducted myself as a father and a husband, and a bread winner for my family. I just wish there was a way to make it all go away. K- I?m sorry so help me God, I?m sorry.
I?m staying at E-?s & C-?s for a couple of days until G- gets out of school & then I?m going to be living in M-, with him until everything gets settled and then I will try & get my own place. (Have to go eat.)
11/29/85
11:30
I just called hoping that Ma would let me talk to you on the phone for a little while, since I was last at the house I have only received $146.00 for a pay, I still have $9.00 left and no job, so tell Ma that as soon as I can get something going (JOB) that is, I will have to go to a bank and have money sent automatically every week. So mean time it?s ok that Ma is mad at me & she probably won?t ever get over any of the mad and I?m so sorry for that.
K- please, tell D- & V- when you talk to them that I love them, and K- go in and give Ma a hug for me, will ya. I love Mom so much.
How are you doing in school? I hope Mom will let you write to me, I sure would like to hear from you, that is if you wanted to write.
Remember, the system of things is good, it?s the imperfection of man that brings about change. I?m very sorry for being such a bad father.
Love always,
Dad
P.S. Tell Ma that I will write very soon, that is if she wants me to. I?ll wait awhile to hear form you, that is if you want to write."
My father was killed in a car accident on July 06, 1987. I'm happy to say that I did forgive him prior to his death. And it was such a relief to me to know that I had forgiven him before he died. I didn't hate my father, I hated what he did. And I hate the way it fucked up my life.
During the time that I was abused by my father, I was also being abused by my grandfather, and two other men in my life.
I went through life thinking that I was only put here to serve one purpose, and ended up finding that the more I drank and the higher I got, it was easier to fulfill that purpose.
Just had to share this with the group. (The Group, ha ha ha)
I went into Straight a year after his death. I didn't need Straight to get me to quit drinking and smoking pot. I needed someone to explain to me that I wasn't this horrible, used, worthless individual because of what my father had done. Once I completely figured that out and believed it, there was no reason to continue to try to kill myself slowly, wishing that I could stay high forever.
Love ya special, Straight.
Yeah Right
