Matt,
Thanks for replying. I don't want to intrude on your privacy, but please help me remember you.
I was older than other phasers - I was 19 when I entered and almost 21 when I withdrew. I was from a horribly abusive family that was able to keep what happened at home secret. I was the kid who acted out the violence and deceit that was manifest in the household. My folks took me to several psychologists, and one suggested Straight. They were excited about the place because it completely exhonerated them any responsibility. Everything that was wrong in the family could be blamed on my addiction. If I got better than the family would get better. Most of us would agree that this is a simplification of family systems theory and addiction to the point of deceit. But we bought it hook, line, and sinker. I was desperate for my family to be better and to have some kind of sanity in my life, so I was willing to believe anything including Straight's empty promises. So, as silly as it sounds, I spent 18 months in Springfield as an adult. I am not and was never an alcoholic/addict. I spent 4 years after withdrawing staying sober in AA. Until one day when my sponsor (who is still adear friend 10 years later)told me to go find the help I really needed. He told me I wasn't an alcoholic, and though he and many others in the rooms loved me, I was wasting my time. I had plenty of deep-seated problems, but alcoholism wasn't one of them.
14 years after leaving Straight - I am married (9years). I have two kids, an 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I worked as a chef for many years and was blessed with very good success. Now I am following what was my wildest dream from the time I was a small boy. I am in seminary in Alexandria training for the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. Wildest dreams are funny things. When you are raised in an abusive, shame-filled, secretive home, you forget that you have, or even deserve to have, a wildest dream. I remember telling the group that at Straight. People laughed me off - which didn't bother me because I figured Eric Lake wanting to be a submarine commander was way crazier than my being a priest. Anyway... Steve Turney came up to me at dismissal one night and whispered in my ear, "You are a fucking drunk and a pussy. You'll never amount to anything. Talk your priest shit all you like, but remember you'll always be nothing." Sad thing is I believed him for a long, long time. In fact, I probably still do to some degree during my darker moments. So Straight and the pain it inflicted still lingers and nags even after 14 years and eventhough I can't really imagine feeling more blessed than I am today.
That sense of feeling blessed has only grown deeper since I started reading different things written by Straight survivors (what an incredibly appropriate word). I survived. We survived. We are sharing with one another our common pain, anger, fear, disgust, but at the heart of that is our survival and our stumbling towards thriving, despite what we endured and still suffer. The speaking of it also reminds that I am not just fucking crazy for remebering the things I do. I didn't imagine the horror, and I am not exaggerating. It was just so bad, and yet we go on surviving and stumbling towards thriving. It is a miracle.
Please forgive my ranting on so long. That's what you get for asking me how I am after 14 years. Please know that I have hoped and prayed for all of us the whole of these last 14 years, and will continue to do so for all those who I remember well and those who remain, and may always remain, blurred faces in group.
I am your brother,
Michael Cadaret
mcadaret@vts.edu[ This Message was edited by: mcadaret on 2002-07-09 19:50 ][ This Message was edited by: mcadaret on 2002-07-09 19:57 ]