I tried to kill myself in a blackout last weekend

[Anonymous]

With the brand new chef knife I just bought with gift money. I never want to touch alcohol again. I've been telling myself for years that suicide was not an option, but somehow, my brain doesn't listen when I'm wasted.

In a violent angry fit of rage I fought to destroy anything in my life that is good. I have so much pain and hatred that seeps through the cracks like flood waters. Thank God no-one was seriously hurt.

Have I always been this way? How do I make it go away?

The one person that was there, was injured by me fighting to try and hurt myself.

Who was I really trying to kill? Where did I go? Who do I hate? Who can't I forgive for hurting me?

I'm sorry for everything, and I'm not going to be posting here as often anymore, or on the internet at all for that matter. I'm actually going to church this Sunday.

I am so afraid of being a statistic, a memory with no real past.

No-one knows me, I don?t even know me. I?m scared. I?ve been scared my entire life, but now I'm an adult trapped in the mind of an unloved, self hating child, still waiting for life to begin, and I'm getting old in the process.

Thank you, Straight, Inc.

[kpickle39]

I have felt as you are feeling.  Long time ago tho.  Straight experiences fuck w/the brain .  Sucicide is not the answer.  I tried it a few years out of straight and I am so glad that I failed.  Life now is much better.  Yours will improve, just keep doing the best you can.  Maybe you can see a shrink. I know that is difficult.  Lord knows we've had enough "therapy" to last a lifetime.  Hang in there.  email me if you like.

[email protected]

[Anonymous]

Thanks Michael. I have tried it one other time in 1993, a few years out of Straight myself. I do have a shrink, but sometimes I do the exact opposite of what they say.

Hopelessness is a strong enemy, alcohol just makes me worse. I have a hard time recalling a time in my life that I felt complete, or have really known who I am. It's complicated. I'm complicated.

Happiness is a choice, and I always seem to be picking whatever's behind door #2.

I burn myself a lot also, like I only deserve pain. It's really fucked up. I'm an idiot.

[misbehaver]

I'm not gonna preach at ya, but right now, I'm swirling in the same bottle. It's OK! gonna get better bro(or sis). Just be thankful nobody handed you a rifle and turned ya loose in a sandbox. I'm way far worse than simply attacking in a drunken stupor; I do this sober. Then get wasted to shed the day. Don't run, deserters are shot on sight.
Jason

[The Angel Therion]

I used to do that shit too man..
I would Jeckyll and Hide bad and eventually quit drinking..

 And I dont even tell people about it anymore just "Nah I dont drink"

 Like If Im on a date or something happy...I can drink...but no more pounding alot of liquor just on avg night..........

 I sometimes would do that blacked out on pills too..

 Thats why I smoke weed instead...I have never freaked on weed...and it levels out my depression...(All you anti pot people can kisseth my ass too, fuck ya!)

[The Angel Therion]

Seriously though...You will be alright. Moderate your drinking...try to change/remove the things in your life that suck...unbrainwash yourself...

 Recognize the insanity and think your way through it..it comes and goes..

 Theres something you need to do...find what it is and do it..and you will get better, I promise you that. :tup:  :tup:  :tup:

 Im me...or PM me if you wanna talk...I have lots of free time atm. And yes I do actually give a shit..regardless who you are..
 You sound just like me when you described that

[ This Message was edited by: The Angel Therion on 2004-02-18 18:03 ]

[Anonymous]

Hey, you seem to know me, so give me an email [email protected]   The burning thing is a bad deal...don't deserve the pain, although again, I understand where that is coming from.  I used to slice the crud out of myself, 'cause it let the pain out.   Look forward to hearing 'bout how youare doing.  See ya!!

Mike

[Anonymous]

Thanks everybody. I'm just grateful today, that the sun is shining, music makes me feel alive, and that my eyes are able to see the beauty in things, even when they see myself, as hidious and shameful.

Your friend & fellow Survivor ~

[Anonymous]

hideous

[The Devil Therion]

...Living fast and dying young, like image poetry..My motor psycho nightmare freaks out inside of me..

[The Devil Therion]

[ This Message was edited by: The Devil Therion on 2004-02-21 14:41 ]