Why can't I "get over" it?

[Anonymous]

I was in St. Petersburg Straight from 10/82-11/83 and I was subjected to a lot of the same abuse that others on this board have mentioned.  I don't really want to go into particulars, but if you were there, you know what I'm talking about.  I got out over 20 years ago, and definitely was fucked up by the experience.  The brainwashing succeeded to a point-- I did believe I was powerless to stop using drugs, plus, when I first got out, I was convinced that by getting high (and I don't mean on pot) I was proving I had withstood Straight's brainwashing. Drugs also helped to mask the psychic scars I received there, at least temporarily.  

I have a deep, seething hatred for the staff members of Straight.  I see them as human scum, and if I ever read an obituary for ANY of those assholes, I will fucking jump for joy.

I have no contact with anyone from Straight outside of this forum, and certainly no contact with AA or NA, which I see as cults.  I have been off of coke and heroin for one year this week.  I am beginning to get my life back after so many years of depression and addiction.  I accept my responsibility for my addiction, but I sincerely believe that I got into drugs as much as I did because of my experience at Straight.  It tore apart my self-esteem, destroyed what was left of my relationship with my family, hindered my ability to form normal interpersonal relationships,  and left me (and others) with the notion that I was somehow 'tainted' and could never be normal.  It took years for me to come to grips with this stuff, and some of it I'm still dealing with.  I am still fucking pisssed off at Straight and the staff members there.  I just wonder why I can't "get over" this shit-- it takes a lot of energy dealing with these memories, and someone who wasn't at a place like Straight has no comprehension what we went through.  I tried to talk to a friend of mine about it once, and he was like "Oh, yeah , I went to rehab too" and tried to compare Charter to it--Man, Charter seemed like a country club compared to Straight.  Eventually my friend went to a drug counselor who had been to Straight, and when he found out about it he apologized to me.  I told him not to worry about it, he didn't put me there.  Anyway, I just wanted to vent a little.  If there is anything I can do to help end the existence of places like Straight, or expose the sadistic assholes who ran Straight for the human garbage they are, let me know.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

First, congratulations on getting off the heroine. My brother is addicted, and I know it's tough to kick.  My guess is that if you've masked everything for so long, it makes sense that it would all be surfacing now. I've spent the past 16 years and counting trying to get over my post traumatic stress disorder, my anger, my rage, my hatred. I don't believe that anyone dying will solve the problem as new places open and the cycle continues... if everyone who wronged you in there was dead it unfortunately wouldn't stop this shit from happening all over. Since I found this site I get crazy flashbacks to the shit that happened to me in there. I get angry so I try to find things that might actually be productive rather than just vent. The reality is those on staff were me or you at a later date. They went through the same program, the same brain washing, and the same abuse I did and for whatever reason some of us were more or less suscepible to being brainwashed. Wired differently I guess. I was lucky and escaped after a year. I don't blame staff, though there are some that I hated. I know where the blame lies... with that maniacal prick who was in the business of breeding fear and violence between all of us and I won't stop until I know he won't be slipping through any cracks and doing this again. Virgil Miller Newton. Mel Sembler. And all those politicians and judges and prosecutors who let them off the hook every time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks  for your reply.  You're probably right about all this anger surfacing now that I've got some time off of junk.

I hold Miller and Mel, and Ruthie, responsible, too, but I can't let any of the other staff off the hook.  They could have left. I did. They chose to participate .