I WOULD LIKE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. WHY A DRUG ADDICT? I ACCEPT THE PART THAT WAS FREE WILL CHOICE BUT ONCE YOU GET HOOKED THERE IS NO MORE FREE WILL.
I WOULD LIKE TO FEEL, FEEL, FORGIVEN FOR THE THINGS I DID. I DON'T WANT TO DO THEM AGAIN BUT STILL A SAMLL PART OF ME IS LIVING IN A WAY THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE BEAST WHERE I CAN FEEL IT'S PUTIRD BREATH.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND NOT LET MONEY WORRIES OR ALL THOSE OTHER MUNDANE SPLINTERS OF BEING IN A CLINIC THROW ME OFF COURSE, OR CAUSE ME TO BE GRUMPY AND DIRECT THAT TOWARD THE PEOPLE I LOVE; DISPLACEMENT, PSYCH 101. YOU CAN'T PUNCH THE FISCAL LADY DOWN THE CLINIC IN THE FACE SO YOU KICK YOUR DOG WHEN YOU COME HOME.
MANY A NIGHT I HAVE SLEPT IN MY CAR AFTER A BINGE, NO GAS, NO FOOD, NO MONEY, COKE AND DOPE AND NOTHING BUT THE DESIRE TO DIE WITHOUT THE BALLS TO DO IT. JUST LET ME TELL YOU THERE IS NOT MUCH OF THE HURT OF BEING A DRUG ADDICT I HAVEN'T LET IN THE FRONT DOOR AND PAID TO SUFFER.
BUT THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW. I DO PRAY FOR STRENGTH. I REACH FORA GOD THAT I AM UNCERTAIN EXISTS AND TO OTHERS WHO HAVE LEFT HERE THAT I LOVED. I LOOK TO YOU AND THE BATTLES TO FACE LIFE WITHOUT GETTING HIGH AND FROM IT COMES A VICARIOUS STRENGTH.
IT IS SUCH A GIFT WE GIVE EACH OTHER WHEN WE TAKE THE TIME TO OPEN UP ABOUT OURSELVES, OUR ADDICTION, OUR VICTORIES AND THE TIMES WE GET TRIPPED UP.
........./QUOTE
