Nobody's saying that you have to do anything.
Let me bash your teeth in more than they are for a moment.
Hey, if the methadone helps you - well then keep taking it, right ?
There is no such real thing as disorder or addiction. These words merely take responsibility out of the realm of our personal control of our lives; excuses to why we do bad things.
There has to be something that you used to do that let your sadness come out, your anger, your bitterness - in a good way.
Before I had gone into straight I was an artist of sorts. Now, I am doing that again. I may never 'make' anything of myself. But at least my creativity will allow me to make it through a little more safely.
And Secondly, get the fuck out of the south as soon as you can afford to. Most people I know have a big heart if they are from Texas. Since that is where I was raised you and I know that nothing is given away for free and nobody is given anything there at all without a mad fight and selling yourself to a misdirected cause. Got back to school.
Take your habit that you created to another city and then you won't feel so bad about doing it I guess.
I suppose I am lucky in some way not to have that sort of addiction. I know that these strong drugs are not merely habitualized. They do make your body crave them and go through the withdrawals. But it was maybe a dumb habit to begin with. God is not going to give you anything either.
There. Now that I've kicked your teeth in some more for you, you can bleed quite safely.
I am almost your age and am having these thoughts where I am looking back on who I am, my brother seems to be doing this, too.
We sorta hate our parents for their lawless abuse and not supervising us, which is why we were into drugs in the first place.
As kids the folks were careless and said the word love but probably weren't shown what that means either. Now that we know how not to act, and unfortunately we had to learn about the point systems and laws of the U.S. without their help because of their carelessness - by damn our lives might be a little easier. Fuck your parents. Kill your dad. Men don't really like to talk to men unless they are gay.
If you broke off a piece of three years in prison for your juice shot, I wonder if you think that is a signal you might want to quit. I am not to say. For all I care you should get caught again but this time you should fucking do a really looong stretch. Get caught with like fifty kilos or something. I hope you get more time.
Most of what you do and who you Have been is really your parents fault for the way they were. That is the best you can hope for in the last ten years of your life.
You are more who you are when you realize you are not them and their mistakes over you, now. You are not anyone else or some drug. What you identify with and shit is now up to you.
You are lucky that you can FEEL. Feeling lets you know that your perceptions are as big as you make them. For you the message is already as you have stated that you are feeling depressed and suicidal. So, we have all been careless and ignorant and less than perfect. We do not live in a world of ties where 'Seeing is Believing'. It is the right way; 'To Believe is to SEE'. Another way of saying this is that we are no longer bound to those external things that create our personal view of things. Not bound by your relationships, not by your past experiences, add anything that effects you now and look at it.
Let me go back to something I said earlier. Go back to school. Or don't. Fuck your education. At least you can get Into something. The reason I said to maybe stay on the drugs is because drugs can sometimes really aid people in finding their paths in life. If your drug isn't helping you do this you might consider better options or different drug. If someone has written a book (you can read can't you) then you can write a book. If someone has made a movie, then you can make a movie. No secret. If someone was hell determined to do time and serve the tax payer's money proper, then you can do it, too. I don't really believe that is your calling else you might not be here. Oh. They don't let inmates on the internet do they
Only, when you write that book or make that movie or write that song or dig that ditch or marry that girl (by the way, fuck your exwife) or do time - you will be offering the world your personal history, your views on the situation, your experience. Maybe this time you will realize that YOU will be doing it, and so you will do it with all more of your heart, not the faltered heart of others. And the return on your heart is immeasurable. I digress.
Firstly, we all know that bitch Disney. I think his head is frozen somewhere for reanimation in the future or something. That bitch was probably blasted higher than the moon cos its not easy sitting ALL month at a wood desk with pencil dust on your hands. His first inclination to draw that mouse was not to make history or to change the face of filming and animation or the swamp lands of Florida for the next few centuries. No. It started when he took his fucking kids to the park. The park sucked and he said, 'this sucks. there has to be more'. He had to draw that mouse cos his fucking kids were getting on his fucking nerves. He needed something to entertain them. And the mouse back then didn't look like what it is now. There were no theme parks about the mouse. That fucking mouse looked like a small stick back then.
And only as time progressed did he get more into the themes of the mouse. As he worked with the mouse, it was only then that more Ideas came to him.
And you see where that shit got him. You understand what I am saying. Fini'.
Now,
If you need some counseling for dealing with PTSD or bipolar as a result of flashbacks (straight) or reliving memories that aren't there, then go get it. TX is really big on social services. I have a friend there depending on the county you are in who may be able to offer you some direction in housing, counseling, and etc. But you don't need counseling on drugs, you already had that. You have a point system that will allow you three strikes and once you get there you won't see the light of day until you are the old man who hooked you up with the balloon. Dumb ass.
It's not easy and it won't be. You are in limbo friend. Start digging one stroke at a time. Only this time your true friends will be discovered in the loneliness and the sadness that you are trying to run from. They are great friends and healers, and so is time. In fact, time and your emotions are the only things that you can depend on and ever seriously or truthfully say that they will be with you your Entire life. You are already taking heed. good job.
Be well.
hatnax (criminal).
