Author Topic: Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes  (Read 664 times)

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Offline DannyB II

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Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine
http://www.theonion.com/articles/osama- ... nat,20302/

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today. “Just thinking about the stupid look on that evil bastard’s face when those Navy SEALs kicked in the bathroom door and started blasting away—it’s so totally priceless,” said Queens, NY resident Rachel Sumner, one of 311 million Americans who reveled in a fictional scenario in which bin Laden met his gruesome and humiliating end while sitting on the commode, humming to himself, and reading a newspaper. “And him frantically trying to pull up his boxer shorts seconds before some badass Special Forces guy blows his head off—ha, ha! What a fucking moron.” Some Americans have disputed this fabricated version of bin Laden’s death, explaining they prefer to imagine the terrorist leader being surprised by Navy SEALs while wearing bright red lipstick, trying on ladies’ clothing, sashaying in front of a full-length mirror, and saying,
“Who’s the prettiest little girl? Osama's the prettiest little girl!”
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anti-Troll

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Re: Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation L
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2011, 08:47:47 AM »
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   TZM: Response to Media; Death of Osama bin Laden   On May 1, 2011 Pres. Barack Obama appeared on national television with the spontaneous announcement that Osama bin Laden, the purported organizer of the tragic events of September ...11th 2001, was killed by military forces in Pakistan.   Within moments, a media blitz ran across virtually all television networks in what could only be described as a grotesque celebratory display, reflective of a level of emotional immaturity that borders on cultural psychosis. Depictions of people running through the streets of New York and Washington chanting jingoistic American slogans, waving their flags like the members of some cult, praising the death of another human being, reveals yet another layer of this sickness we call modern society.   It is not the scope of this response to address the political usage of such an event or to illuminate the staged orchestration of how public perception was to be controlled by the mainstream media and the United States Government. Rather the point of this article is to express the gross irrationality apparent and how our culture becomes so easily fixed and emotionally charged with respect to surface symbology, rather than true root problems, solutions or rational considerations of circumstance.   The first and most obvious point is that the death of Osama bin Laden means nothing when it comes to the problem of international terrorism. His death simply serves as catharsis for a culture that has a neurotic fixation on revenge and retribution. The very fact that the Government which, from a psychological standpoint, has always served as a paternal figure for it citizens, reinforces the idea that murdering people is a solution to anything should be enough for most of us to take pause and consider the quality of the values coming out of the zeitgeist itself.   However, beyond the emotional distortions and tragic, vindictive pattern of rewarding the continuation of human division and violence comes a more practical consideration regarding what the problem really is and the importance of that problem with respect to priority.   The death of any human being is of an immeasurable consequence in society. It is never just the death of the individual. It is the death of relationships, companionship, support and the integrity of familial and communal environments. The unnecessary deaths of 3000 people on September 11, 2001 is no more or no less important than the deaths of those during the World Wars, via cancer and disease, accidents or anything else.   As a society, it is safe to say that we seek a world that strategically limits all such unnecessary consequences through social approaches that allow for the greatest safety our ingenuity can create. It is in this context that the neurotic obsession with the events of September 11th, 2001 become gravely insulting and detrimental to progress. An environment has now been created where outrageous amounts of money, resources and energy is spent seeking and destroying very small subcultures of human beings that pose ideological differences and act on those differences through violence.   Yet, in the United States alone each year, roughly 30,000 people die from automobile accidents, the majority of which could be stopped by very simple structural changes. That's ten 9/11's each year... yet no one seems to pine over this epidemic. Likewise, over 1 million Americans die from heart disease and cancer annually - causes of which are now easily linked to environmental influences in the majority. Yet, regardless of the over 330 9/11's occurring each year in this context, the governmental budget allocations for research on these illnesses is only a fraction of the money spent on “anti-terrorism” operations.   Such a list could go on and on and with regard to the perversion of priority when it comes to what it means to truly save and protect human life and I hope many out there can recognize the severe unbalance we have at hand with respect to our values.   So, coming back to the point of revenge and retribution, I will conclude this response with a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., likely the most brilliant intuitive mind when it came to conflict and the power of non-violence. On September 15, 1963 a Birmingham Alabama church was bombed, killing four little girls attending Sunday school.   In a public address, Dr. King stated:   “What murdered these four girls? Look around. You will see that many people that you never thought about participated in this evil act. So tonight all of us must leave here with a new determination to struggle. God has a job for us to do. Maybe our mission is to save the soul of America. We can't save the soul of this nation throwing bricks. We can't save the soul of this nation getting our ammunition and going out shooting physical weapons. We must know that we have something much more powerful. Just take up the ammunition of love.” - Dr. Martin Luther King, 1963   ~Peter Joseph http://http://www.thezeitgeistmovement.com
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation L
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2011, 04:56:24 PM »
Quote

? The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. --MLK Jr.
 
In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --MLK Jr.

........and so the story goes. I can attest to this.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline seamus

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Re: Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation L
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2011, 07:57:47 PM »
Golly, I feel soooo much safer now.I wonder who the next boogy-man will be? On the other hand Kadaffi must be shittin himself right about now.. ::)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline D. Bryan Odd

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Re: Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation L
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2011, 06:33:25 PM »
I own the rights to this and all other historical events, and any stories that may arise from them.  You may not discuss them without my express written consent.

I also own the internet, and the letters of all Indo-European, and many Asian, languages.

Hands off my stuff, or I will sue.






I am not Brian Dodd.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
I am NOT Brian Dodd.