For the past several days I have been in a wierd place. My body is telling me I am exhausted and yet my brain has been in a semi-state of overdrive. My mind inturprets this as further exhaustion and my body readily agrees. I have spent my time with my ipod, going about my day in a mechanical fashion.The music, readings, and teachings I have on my iPod seem to keep my mind occupied, and yet my mind wanders to far off places. Spurred by a sound, a sequence of words from a book, a teaching or a song. My mind is catapulted to faces I have known, to the faces I have yet to meet. At times I have questioned my sainity, my strength and my reslove. It's an odd place to be. It is as if I am on a treadmill and some unknown force, unbeknownst to me has turned up the speed of the treadmill as well as jacked up the incline without my knowledge or request. A friend, you know who you are, described it as "anxiety" or a sense of something about to happen. Yes, anxiety seems to point at the emotions churning about within my being, yet it seems comorbidly mixed with something that excapes my understanding. As a result my mind searches in songs for those words that I can not articulate for myself.
This may very well be my most choppy, disorganized post in years. Taking songs and fitting them to my own emotions...well, seems cheesy. I can not help it, I am in a cheesy state of mind.
For example, from Kid Rock's "Only God knows Why" ---'I feel like number one, yet I am last in line'. Nuff said!
Another example is from Rush "Closer to the Heart"
And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the heart
The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the heart
Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart
You can be the captain
I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the heart
It is clear to me this didnt happen. Yes, "The Men who held High Places", molded a new reality but it was furthest from the heart. As young ones we could only hope, yet infact thier efforts drove us away from our hearts. In fear most of the day, we were poised to attack. Trust was but a legend, love was never known. (a twist of Neil Young's "Cortez Cortez") We brought tears and we broke bones. All the while, Men who held High places were smiling from the start knowing what they were doing would rip our families and our souls apart.
Today, now, at this moment, we are the blacksmiths and the artists. We must re-direct it in our arts. Verbal, written, visual and audial. We must forge our creativity to mend our broken hearts.
Yes to sow this new mentality, each must know our part. We each have a skill set, we most know them and use them well. Most if not all of us are highly intellegent peoples. The intellegence is that of a dual edged sword, mighty, sharp and strong. We need know when to sheath this intellegence and when it is time to wield it. We have this capasity if we choose. We can continue to slaughter our brothers and sisters, tearing us apart. Or we can do whats best in and for our hearts. The option is up to us. Each of us are Philosophers and Ploughmen, well have toiled in the fields of hate and loathing and have studied our own hearts. We may be broken and scars may always remain, but we can have a VALIDATION, one closer to the heart.
We don't need a captain and lets let the charts unfurl themselves. Live each day the best we can, carving our own destiny....one that is closer to the heart!
And yet another, from John Lennon "You may say i am a dreamer, but I am not the only one." I hope one day you will join us and Straight Survivors can be as one.
As I indicated early in this post, I am not sure where or what direction this post is/was meant to take. Perhaps it is mearly emotional vomit. If I had a sour stomach, it would make little sense to self-diagnose what the problem is, but if I puke, just get it out, there is a strong chance i will feel better. Once the vomit is up and out, then perhaps it can be examined, picked apart to see exactly what it is that is going on with me If you have followed this to this point, and think you have supportive insight, I would greatly appreciate reading it and compare it to my own ideas.
12Step Wish Craft has a mantra that makes sense, "This too shall pass", but I am not comfortable allowing it to simply pass with gaining some understanding of what has taken place. In a 12 step environment, I am sure the KISSS model of acceptance would be advised, however, I am not one to subscribe to the idea of Keeping it Simple and Staying Stupid. Indeed, it may well pass, as I suspect it will, But again, I am not comfortable with ignorance of my own being. I am not afraid to search my own soul and face what ever demons that I have created tween my own ears. If it is something I must face alone, so be it. If others have direct experiance with that which I speak, I would be more than willing to examine everything said. I suspect, there are 12 step individuals lurking about and I mean you no insult, But as has happened in the past 12 Step folks have said..."You are analyising to much", well I draw you to another mantra "Think Think Think". I have eyes which where designed to see, I have since learned that the eyes are full capable of looking within. I have lungs, designed to breath and exhale, I have a heart designed to pump blood thru my circulatory system. And, I have a brain, it's function is to think and so it does. In short, I don't wish to be dismissed with superfulious (sp) fluff. In watching this happen to others, the slogans are usefull to dismiss another when there is no direct personal experiance and they are used to sound profound. I will not reject such slogans from well intentioned peoples that can explain how the particular slogan is used in detail in ones personal, direct experiance.
Much Healing for one (me) and all
Much Peace for one (me) and all
woof
