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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« on: July 22, 2002, 07:31:00 PM »
Hi.
I have been on this website for awhile, but only reading, and truthfully not really wanting to post or get involved. I decided to post because I feel guilty and feel that I owe amends. I want to say I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt or harmed physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually while I was in KIDS, and especially while I was on staff. It is so sad to me that I became like the people who had hurt me so badly. When I left KIDS I did so because I could not stand doing things, and being a part of something that I did not believe in. It just felt so wrong. I left in the name of my freedom, the irony was that I became a slave to my addiction. I suffered a lot when I left KIDS and it is amazing I am alive. I am grateful I am clean, very happy now, and finally free. I live in NYC and I love it. I am graduating a University in December, I have a wonderful family relationship, great friends, I travel alot and I truly live a charmed life. I have no complaints. I miss some people from KIDS....
I hope this finds you all well, and again I am so deeply sorry for any pain I may have caused.

Leanne

PS- I will be away for a couple of weeks, so if anyone emails me, I will not be responding right away.
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2002, 09:02:00 PM »
Hey Leanne,
   It`s so good to hear your okay. You sound very positive !It`s nice to hear.I spent a lot of time at your house, and you have always stayed in my thoughts.{in a good way} I am so happy your in touch with your family, you have a wonderful family !They are very loving. I`m very happy for you.Take care and be well.
  An Old Friend
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Offline Webmistress

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2002, 01:46:00 AM »
Wow........Leanne.  I am so happy to see you here, I'm crying...lol.  I would love to hear from you and hear about your life.  I was so happy to see the picture your mom showed us at Rebeccas party and see how good you looked.  I know you remember the last time you and i saw each other.  Not a good time in either of our lives.  
This sounds sappy, but I'd love to get to know the real Leanne as opposed to the KIDS Leanne.  Im in FL now with 4 children.  (Yeah you read it right).  Im going thru a divorce, but things are looking good.  Im very happy with myself & where I'm at.
Please email me.  If you dont already know who i am, I'll tell you.
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2002, 10:06:00 AM »
Hey Leanne,

Glad to hear you are doing do well.  I am very proud of you.  I know you have come a long way as have I.  8 years on August 12th.  Keep iy up.  Love Ya!

CP
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Offline a sibling

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2003, 11:56:00 AM »
To Leanne,

While I have read your apology, it's a very hard pill for me to swallow.  While I am very happy to hear that you have grown and changed, you were my primary abuser for almost 4 years at KIDS.  You terrorized me greatly and you are the cause of many of my nightmares now.  

You treated the other newcomer in the home, Janice, like gold, but yet for some reason, hated me.  To this day I don't understand why, but my self-esteem very much suffers because of it.  While I am working very hard on my PTSD, I've got a long way to go.

I saw your parents at Rebecca's party...I'm glad to see they're well...they were always very nice to me.  For your sake, I really hope you have grown and changed, and I hope your nightmares aren't as bad as mine.  I know you wrote your letter over a year ago, and I don't know if you still read the web-site, or if you'll ever read this, but for my own peace of mind, this needed to be said.   Suzanne
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2003, 10:05:00 PM »
Is this Suzanne Z?  If it is, I just thought of you the other day.  (This is not Leanne, but I thought of her too.)  I also thought of Linda W., Jody S., Tony P., Celeste K, to name a few.  I was doing my best to remember the end of the 80's. Wow.  How are you?
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Offline a sibling

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2003, 12:10:00 PM »
Yes this is Suzanne Z.  Sobriety doing ok.  Struggling badly with PTSD, but working on getting it under control.  It's nice to know people think of me.  I think alot about people I was with and if they struggle just like I do.  I'd love to know who you are. Hope you are doing well. Please write back.
Love, Suzanne
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2003, 03:17:00 PM »
suzanne,
 

     you always had a beautiful voice
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2003, 08:31:00 PM »
How`s that shoulder of your`s ????????
You use to pop it out all the time...
that FREAKED me out !!!! :cry2 I Do relate to you as far as PTSD, it sucks as it comes & goes.So your not alone.The more I work on my present,the further I grow AWAY from my past.

Remember, your life has purpose and meaning.You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else`s movie.
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Offline a sibling

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2003, 09:55:00 PM »
My shoulder is fine.  Popping my shoulder out was my only guaranteed way of getting out of the program for weeks at a time...it was my safety net.  In fact my shoulder is doing so well, I became an EMT and lifted people on a stretcher for a living with no problem.  Thank you for asking!  Sorry if it freaked you out.

Thank you for your kind words and relating to me about your PTSD.  I'm glad to hear you found a way of dealing with it.  As I'm still really struggling with my PTSD, I'd love to hear more about how you're dealing with yours, putting it behind you and living life on life's terms.  Please write back.  -Suzanne
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Offline Anonymous

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2003, 10:43:00 PM »
Well in a lot of ways I had to move on, I had a child of my own less then a year of getting out of KIDS. So all my phocus went to my child. As my kids got older I started to freak out more because they were in school and I was left with myself again,that was hard for me. I had made my whole world all about my children and was not living for myself. So with out them I was depressed. I`ve leared I`m a real Co-Depentent and would take care of everyone`s life but my own.
I remember when hearing about Rebbeca E.`s case and settlement. I had many anxity atticts. I remembered so much pain, volience,despration, saddness,ect..from being there. It took me down for a long time.
Between my children getting older and only having my "KIDS" experience right before that I was in a bad place. I had nothing to turn to that made me happy. I started going to school and got my GED. That was a BIG thing for me because I had always said it was not my fault that I did not go to school, It was my Mom`s and the program`s, "They did not send me", " I was a child", "IT was taken away from me". Well the fact is that is true...but I can be thirty , fourty or fifty years old and still not have it, And then who`s fault is that. I have the power to change it. And I did I went to school and got my GED. Now I`m 31 years old and have it. I will not let them dictat who I am or who I`m going to be in life. It`s MY life, NOT their`s.
I also go to AA{that does not make me better or different then any one that does not, so if you don`t that`s ok, But don`t rag on me because I do.Thank you}One of the great things I hear in their is others stories and it has sooooo helped me. As bad as KIDS was and I need to vaildate that for myself, it was really bad. I do hear about other`s life`s and their struggles. And pain, despration, hopelessness,ect..I`m not alone and don`t want to suffer anymore.The pain is to great and it can change, if I change.
So I do great things for myself I run races, skydive, take trips by myself. I don`t even need to use my children as  a sheild to go through life anymore. I go to the movies ALONE !! That`s a big deal. When I stopped judgeing myself so much and accepted my past I was able to move on. That is not to say that the pain is never their and that I don`t feel stuck at times and relate it back to my KIDS experience, because I do. And it never feels great.I believe we sometimes need to see the pain in order to enjoy the good.
Use a strategy for happiness.
Take care and be good to yourself.
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Offline a sibling

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2003, 12:24:00 PM »
Dear skydiver,

Thank you so much for your words of power, strength and wisdom.  I too came out of the program 21 years old with no high school diploma.  Fortunately I had a therapist who insisted I get my HS diploma and my drivers license immediately.  I pretended the program never happened and went on with my life...then about 10 years later the nightmares started...and I didn't know where they were coming from...and my whole world fell apart.  I decided to write a book about everything that had happened to me, thinking I would close a chapter on that part of my life, and instead I relived every horrible thing that had happened, and remembered things that I never wanted to remember.  I've been struggling to get my life back in order ever since. You have given me a great idea of how to go about getting past some of this PTSD and moving on, because I've been stuck in it for a really long time.  Thank you for taking the time to write me back.  If you wouldn't mind breaking your anonymity, I'd love to know who you are, but if not, it's enough that you cared enough to take the time to respond to my question.  Thank you,  Suzanne Z.   Ps.  You can email me through my sister at sazucker@aol.com  Thanks

[ This Message was edited by: a sibling on 2003-08-03 09:25 ]
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Offline Jodi

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A note from Leanne
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2003, 07:14:00 PM »
Well its been 13 years since I left KIDs and I've been doing my damnest to forget the two years I spent there.  Most of you probably remember me as the youngest one there and Sue's cousin.  A few of you have tried to contact me or get me to keep contact and I always felt if I could block it out, the almost daily restraining and other similar nightmares, I'd get past it.  I've tried the whole let it go and move on thing and its never worked for me.  I still break out crying suddenly whenever the topic is brought up, I still have nightmares, I still have fear of hard cold floors, I still can't let people get near me or touch me without having an anxiety attack.  I've been in and out of therapy ever since I left that hell hole, been drugged up on several different anti-dpressants and mood stabilizers and nothing has helped.  No one at this point can pinpoint what exactly is my problem since I'm now too scared to even leave my apartment more than once a week to see the doctor.  Live all in all sucks for me right now and I know a lot goes back to the program and apparently the let it go just dont work for me.  My parents still feel incredibly guilty for me being in there at all and have been helping to support me but looks like I'll have to be hospitalized yet again cause this therapist isn't helping and my life is getting progressively worse.

I've only read a lil of this site so far because I just got off the phone with Sue and she directed me here, but some of the comments of suck it up and move on are terribly insensitive and inaccurate.  If it works for you, great, wonderful, I'm thrilled for you.  I'm assumeing many like me have tried and failed at that approach and are still struggling over a decade later.  I'm not sure even why I'm posting on here now after avoiding all of you for so many years but I guess its mostly because I have nothing left to lose at this point not doing it and Sue thinks its a good idea.

I hope everyone else's recovery is coming along more readily than mine and I wish you the best in the future.

Jodi
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