Some of you regulars may tired of my quoting from the book I'm currently reading, but it seems so appropriate.
This passage is for those who may be considering a program for your teen, or those who have experience the captivity, isolation and trauma associated with programs.
The following are responses from trauma expert, Dr. Judith Herman in an interview with author Derrick Jensen. The question he has posed is, "What happens if a person is traumatized repeatedly or systematically?"
Excerpts/some paraphrased:
One begins to loose their identity, their self-respect...their autonomy and independence.
The situation is even worse for children raised in these circumstances, because their personality is formed in the context of an exploitative relationship, in which the overarching principles are those of coercion and control, of dominanace and subordination.
People lose their sense of faith in themselves; in other people; come to believe or view all relationships as coercive; come to feel that the strong rule; the strong do as they please; that the world is divided into victims, perpetrators, bystnadres, and rescuers. They believe or view all relations are contaminated and corrupted, that sadism is the principle that rules all relationships.
There is a loss of basic trust, loss of feeling of mutuality of relatedness. In its stead is emplaced a contempt for self and others. If you've been punished for showing autonomy, initiative, or independence, after a while you're not going to show them. In the aftermath of this kind of brutalization, victims have a great deal of difficulty taking responsibility for their lives. They seem passive, unable to extricate themselves or to advocate on their own behalf.
Captivity creates disturbances in intimacy-there's not room for relatinships of mutuality, for cooperation, for responsible choices.
There are many methods of coercive control perpetrators use, violence is only one, and not even one of the most frequently used. It doesn't have to be used all that often; it jut has to be convincing.
Other methods include the victim's isolation, and the breadkdown of the victim's resistance and spirit. You have capricious enforcement of lots of petty rules, and you have concomitant rewards. Prisoners and hostages talk about this all the time: if you're good, maybe they'll let you take a shower, or give you something extra to eat. You have the monopolization of perception that follows from the closing off of any outside relationships or sources of information.
And finally the method that really breaks people's spirits, perpetrators often force victims to engage in activities the victims find morally reprehensible or disgusting. Once you've forced a person to violate his or her moral codes, to break faith with him-or herself-the fact that it's done under duress does not remove the shame or guilt of the experience-you may never again even need to use threats.
There is hope and healing for those who experience captivity, isolation and trauma.
Dr. Herman says it's in telling the story, over and over, in a safe, supportive environment.
There is a desire to restore human connection and agency. Telling the story assists that process.
The possibility of mutuality returns.
She has identified the most important principles for recovery to be restoring power and choice or control, a reconnection with his/her natural social supports, to reestablish some sense of safety.
Only after safety has been established is it appropriate for the person to have a chance to tell the trauma in more depth.
Two mistakes: the idea that it's not necessary to tell the story, and that the person would be much better off not talking about it. Wrong. If the story isn't told and the emotions drained off, the story will fester. Don't suppress the stories.
The other- pushing people to share prematurely. If the timing, pacing, and setting isn't right, all you're going to have is another reenactment.
This seems to be tied to mourning what was lost.
An important question: How especially does an abused child mourn what he's never known?
What follows the healing process?
What renews people is the hope and belief that their own capacity to love has not been destroyed. The one's who do best are the ones who've developed a "survivor mission".
What is that? Make it a gift to others. It's really the only way to transcend an atrocity. You can't bury it. You can't make it go away. You can't dissociate it. It comes back. But you can transcend it, first by telling the truth about it, and then by using it in the service of humanity.
Many survivors find themselves much clearer and more daring about going after what they want in life, and in relationships.
When people are sensitized to the dynamics of exploitation, they are able to say, "I don't want this in my life." And they often become very courageous about speaking truth to power.
They join others in saying, "This is the thing we want to protect, and this is the thing we want to stop. We don't know how we're going to do it, but we do know that this is what we want. And we're not indifferent."
Jensen later states, "The responsibility for holding destructive institutions accountable falls on each of us."
***********************************
I find much of this to be accurate based on my personal experiences with two programs. (For you new comers, my ex placed our sons against my wishes)
Both my sons are doing well, but do not yet have a "survivor mission". The older talks much more about his experience, but it was 6 months in duration. The younger son was in captivity and isolation for 22 months. I'm waiting for the timing to be right, as the autor suggested.
Hope some of you find this helpful.
Deborah
