Author Topic: Katie's Story  (Read 7130 times)

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Offline katiesthoughts

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #30 on: September 13, 2009, 01:06:54 PM »
:suicide:

 Lets see. Over the last few weeks, i have been faced with challenge after challenge. I seem to go to bed at night and fight with myself, because it seems like i keep making the WRONG choices and decisions. Then, i have to dig myself out of the hole, just to dig myself a new one. In so many ways... I just i feel like some days i should just stay in the hole and face the consequences of what I have done to dig myself the grave I am sitting in. But, like the fighter I am, i dig myself out and keep going. Why is that?

People have told me i am not a monster... i didn't have any choice before to hurt people.. but here i am almost 2 years later... and I DO have the choice. And like i did back then i am hurting people. Not in the crippling way i did before... but still. I seem to leave a trail of broken hearts no matter where i go.  I am so confused lately. I just... I keep setting myself up to be hurt. I keep causing pain... whether its in my own family, or with my relationships. I never understood love. I could never wrap my mind around it. Now... it seems like my heart is unable to comprehend it. I have been hurt so many times... and in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I am UNABLE to accept love.

And therein lies my problem.

For some unknown reason, all of the sudden i am a hot commodity. People see me as such a good person. Guys see me as attractive and smart. Or at least that is what they say. Thinking about it... half of the guys who claim they like me, or want to be with me, most likely are saying these things to play me so i will fuck them. WELL HEADS UP. I am not dense. I see through bullshit like it is water. I am not a person to sit back and allow myself to be hurt and walked on. I am not the shy and scared girl that men can use and abuse. I am strong, independent and I am smart.

This is my problem!! Am i too strong? Am i too independent and mistrusting? I cannot decipher REAL intentions from the fake ones. I see them all as uneal and lies. I am unable to trust people... and I hate it.

 If only there was some sort of handbook for life. I would be able to look up "love" or "relationships" in the index, and VOILA!!! I have the answer. But i have to figure it out for myself.

Sorry folks. I know this post is sorta... incoherent. but well, i know i can write what i am feeling and thinking here, and not get hurt or judged by it. I just... I need advice I guess.
-Thanks. :-
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »


Offline Oscar

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #31 on: September 13, 2009, 04:20:49 PM »
How can you understand love when you have missed the vital years where teenagers mature and try out in game of love?

You are just too harsh on yourself.

What seemed to work for me when I was a teenager was to seek isolation until I could work things out. It seems to me that you need to learn how to be alone without ending up acting weird.

Try to think about how difficult they have made it for you when it comes to living by yourself. They did place you in a so-called family. You were never alone. No privacy.

Every single summer I can read about how the youth returning from our continuation schools face the challenge to re-enter the life in their normal family and move on in life where work and school stops at a certain clock from where the privacy starts. Outside the boarding schools work/school are separated from your private life. Even here in Denmark youth kill themselves off when they cannot adapt to the outside life and our boarding schools allow cell phones and only 10 weekends where the teenagers are forced to remain at the school.

So why is it so difficult? Because every single boarding school regardless of how open it is function like a cult. They have their own rules; quickly adapt their own values etc. If I ask the students at our boarding schools 2 months before the graduation how the schools are, more than 90 % would answer that it is the best time in their lives, but once they return home they hit rock bottom when they have to make it on their own. In some towns there are public funded programs to make them move on.

First. Let your family go. Limit your contact to them to the very minimum. They have made it very clear judged by their actions that they have not the willpower to involve themselves in issues most teenagers face. They are not evil. They have not the surplus or maybe the skills to be there, so they let others do the job. I am very good when it comes to work involving some kind of numbers. However I am very bad when it comes to any kind of language. My English sucks. I don't know if a person from Germany could understand me if I tried to count to 10. Language doesn't interest me. We are all good at something and sucks at other things.

Second. Relationships are not something you should seek. They should come by themselves. It sounds easy and simple, but believe me. A person desperate for a relationship will scare a potential candidate away. Once again the program has given you a disadvantage. Something which can shock the potential candidate is if you by mistake use the knowledge learned at the seminars against this person. As you have learned on your own body, people don't like to be analyzed against their will.

Third. Isolating yourselves is not hiding in your apartment. Isolating is to hike, bike or go to the library where you can enjoy the quietness while observing the world.

A final advice is to overhear when people judge you. When people meet a person on the street they don't know, they judge this person in less than a minute. Of course it does not give them the full picture of how a person is, but that how we as humans generally judge other people until we learn more about them.

You have come very far since your release from the program. By telling your story you have removed a lot of the burden from your past. What remains is to find the Katie which is inside you with the powerful ressources that in the future will result in your success.

That Katie is hidden inside you. It is not the Katie people want you to be. Everytime you allow others to tell you who you are, you are moving further away from the truth. So redraw on the frontline of everyday fustration and observe your surrounding while you search for the right Katie in you.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Inculcated

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Re: Katie's live n' let love
« Reply #32 on: September 13, 2009, 05:14:28 PM »
Katie’sthoughts,
Well, the good news is that the farther away from the cold places you’ve been, the warmer you become. The circulation flows and the cheeks are flush with life again. People around you are probably responding to that.

I don’t know how to respond to paragraph 2. Some similar discussion has been had here on different threads, recently. I myself am so behind the curve on that, that I consider myself to be in a listen and learn place on the topic.

The latter portion I’ll try to contribute to, but Love is so much. Let’s try for fun and freedom for a while. Sure lots of guys are running game, that doesn’t mean they all are.  Certainly, you don’t have to invest more of yourself than you want to in any relationship. It’s tough to balance the desire to connect with someone while maintaining the boundaries you require to continue healing. The best way I’ve found to deal with that is to continually evaluate in a respectful way what of my own internal dialogue about a situation comes from my intuition or from my speculative fears. While making a conscious effort to free myself from the condemnations of the judgmental and the limitations of my own trepidations, I try to push the limits of my tendency to withdraw, but only when it’s my push.
 
Example: sure cute firefighter and I have a chasm of ideological, philosophical and basic personal historical distance between us that precludes much of a long term…but in the here and now if what we both want is in synch well why not? This ‘example’ comes from a true story. He and I had our fun and when it was eventuating toward a direction I wasn’t prepared to continue; I leveled with him and gained a good friend from what I had seen as an idle while. Seven years of good friendship was the surprising outcome of what was at first pretty blatantly just my embrace of the here and now.

That said, you said it “But I have to figure it out for myself”. It’s trial and error. No matter how much advice you incorporate into your own (for lack of a better term) game plan not all contingencies can be covered. It’s live and learn all the good the bad and even the hunh, does anyone really fall for that?, of it. The key might be to learn from the worst without allowing the fears prevent you the opportunity to have new experiences.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free”  Nikos Kazantzakis

Offline katiesthoughts

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #33 on: October 17, 2009, 04:49:15 PM »
Can it be almost a month since I posted? Wow. Seems like I have been letting myself become more and more distant lately. I want to say its due to being busy with college, but in truth I have been able to make time to post on other threads.. So I guess I have been avoiding it.

Life seems to be full of ups and downs. I swear, sometimes I get up in the morning, and I expect to see the same people I saw years ago. Sometimes I expect to be 15 again, struggling to get through the program with my dignity. In a way I guess its all apart of the healing process. Actually, lately I have been able to go days, actually weeks without being bothered by my experiences at Cross Creek.. maybe its because I am busy dealing with the other shit in my life, or maybe its because I am finally starting to heal.

College is going great. I am in some great classes (well my math is a pain in the ass and the teacher is a dumbass... but anyway) following my creative writing and journalism major.

Anyway.. I just thought I would post a quick line, I am going out with my room mate tonight, so I will continue later.. I am planning on posting another installment..
:nods:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »


Offline Che Gookin

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #34 on: October 18, 2009, 09:52:12 PM »
Hey kid...


Lol...

*runs and hides before he gets shot*
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline try another castle

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #35 on: October 20, 2009, 09:18:07 AM »
Quote
Can it be almost a month since I posted? Wow. Seems like I have been letting myself become more and more distant lately. I want to say its due to being busy with college.


This is awesome news.  :rocker:


Don't worry about us. Go be in college. Those are some great years.
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Offline Che Gookin

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #36 on: October 22, 2009, 09:29:56 PM »
^This, just don't play college rugby you'll be marked as a lesbian for the rest of your life. Drink beer, lots of beer, be merry, and have a blast.

Try to study now and then also.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline katiesthoughts

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2009, 08:08:36 PM »
I am afraid I am going to be homeless. No place to live past December 1st. Leave it to me to screw up my life so badly I will be in a homeless shelter. Great. Just fucking great.

Someone shoot me and get it over with. :suicide:
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Offline Oscar

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Re: Katie's Story
« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2009, 11:31:55 PM »
You have survived Cross Creek. You can survive a homeless shelter.

What about other students? Are there some in the same situation? Here in my country they often rent a cheap 3-4 room apartment in a cheap neighborhood and live 3-4 students in it. Often they know as much of each other when they leave this common place that they did when they moved in together. One of my old classmates told me that he spoke with his roommates one time per month when the rent had to be paid. It was not because he didn't like them. There was just nothing to say.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline katiesthoughts

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Katie's Update :D
« Reply #39 on: January 08, 2010, 10:07:41 PM »
Hot damn. Boy has it been a while. Well its safe to say that I have a place to live LOL.. I got my own apartment on December 1st, by myself, which is where I am currently living. The rent isnt too bad.. I can afford it, but just barely. Things are looking up. I am getting my student loans in, so this next semester of school is already bought and paid for, as well as my books. I also have money left over to save for Next semester, and a few months rent. So far, everything is going well.. surprisingly. Just when I thought my life was going down the shit hole everything looked up.

I am still studying Journalism at the local community college, and I am having a good time so far (Even though the semester just started this past Monday) :P. I am currently dating someone now.. and even though I have a lot of trust issues with relationships in general, he is very supportive of me. I haven't told him about my experiences at Cross Creek either. I don't think I ever will, to be honest. My reasoning for this, is that if I continue to dredge up my past and involve it in my life NOW, I am never going to get over it. So, I am choosing to keep that part of my life in the past, where it belongs.

You know what's crazy? I was waiting to catch the bus for school the other day, and I realized.. I don't think about cross creek anymore. I don't brood over it, and I don't  worry, or get scared about it anymore. I am starting to think.. I am starting to know that I am free.

I hope you All had a good holiday!
~May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields.. Until we meet again!~
:rose:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »