It’s interesting that Castle mentioned being brainwashed into idolizing his dad.
I should, perhaps, elaborate on that.
The seeds had already been sown when they separated. People now are more knowledgeable in terms of how to create a healthy dynamic between the parent who has custody and the one who does not. But in the 70s, that was not the case.
My mother had custody. As such, when my father had visitation, every time was "fun time". Junk food, staying up late, toys, chuck e cheese and water slides. If you see your kids every other week, you want to make the most of it, you know? My dad's mid-life crisis/bachelor lifestyle, with the porsche and the boat and the good looking girlfriends didnt help, either. All of this easily sets up a "good guy/bad guy" situation. My mom was the disciplinarian, she had to deal with my drek every day, whereas I normally only got one or two star-studded backhands from my father during the weekends, which were quickly forgiven, since I was so happy to see him. (And no, he is not a child abuser. 70s parents did things differently. You mouthed off, the riposte was the hand of dad, and I have always had an extremely foul, vulgar mouth. Doesn't mean its right, though.) It paled in comparison to the whippings and thrown objects from my mother. It never occurred to me that if I were living with my dad, things would have been just as explosive.
It is known now that parents with visitation have to have down time with their kids as well, to prevent this lopsided perception issue.
All my mother heard from me was how badly I wanted to live with him. Every time I came back from a visit, I'd be in tears. This certainly didn't help her emotionally. She was the one who had to take care of me, clean up after me, discipline me, go to the parent teacher meetings, get a job a substitute teacher so she could support my sister and I, while the old man walked out, didn't pay much child support (especially for a kid with as many medical problems as I), and basically embraced the lifestyle of a recent college grad. Trust me when I say that many times she wished I COULD go live with my father, and she said so often, at about 90 decibels.
CEDU exploited that. They oversimplified the situation. Never addressed the overall issue, never put it in its proper context. (ESPECIALLY never talked about how the relationship became primarily materialistic, and was initiated by the parent.) Not only that, they also encouraged demonizing my mother, who certainly didnt deserve that. They exacerbated the already slanted perception. So he was the one I cried about every time they played "I need you" or "what about me?" in propheets (ugh), this despite the fact that after finally living with my father full-time before I was placed, I couldn't stand him, and he and my stepmother kept their bedroom door locked at night because they thought I was going to kill them. (which was ignorant and paranoid on their part. So I was into wicca, big whoop-de-doo.)
However, coming out of the place, everything was suddenly hunky dory, even though NOTHING in our relationship had been resolved. Especially since any parental issues kids work with at the place is done in isolation, and not with the parent. As such, the honeymoon had the half-life of a mayfly.
The sad thing is, the thought of seeing him as my hero today makes me cringe, and to this day, even though I remember clearly my crying fits after visits when I was a child, I honestly can't comprehend why I felt that way. I was made to scream about it so much at CEDU, that whatever true sorrow I felt about the divorce was run through a grinder and rendered into dust. The issue was never really addressed, it was simply killed, and true perspective was never achieved. I was made to regard it as if I were five years old again.
My connection with my parents was effectively severed. It took me years to rebuild one with my mother. I dont know if it will ever happen with my dad.
My friend and fellow alum S experienced the exact same thing. We pretty much freaked each other out when we had a conversation about it as adults. The similarities were uncanny.
Which is why I staunchly maintain that programs do not help families. They destroy them. No matter how much gets patched up afterwards, over a period of years, it will never ever be the same again.
Programs constantly encourage and facilitate regression in their "therapeutic" practices. As a result, it makes it impossible for the kid to relate to their parents as an adult when they get out. You basically pick up where you left off before you went into the clink, with about ten trunks more baggage.
I think we should let her get to that point in the story before we suggest lawsuits,
Agreed. Now is the time for decompression and debriefing between her and her folks, on whatever level that may be.
Hopefully it will work out better than it did for some of us. All I can really offer is my perspective, so I hope it can help.
