Author Topic: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8  (Read 1691 times)

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Offline Anonymous

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Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« on: January 13, 2009, 04:52:26 PM »
Before $tr8 I had thick skin.  Now I have none.  

I seem to have almost no ability to keep my emotions in check.  Whatever I feel, I have to express, without delay, at any cost, whether it's appropriate or not.

I can't stand any type of confrontation.  I cry right away.  This doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself, but I just do it with tears in my eyes.

I seek intimacy and then run from it once I have it

I was never like that before the program.  

My symptoms are relatively mild, but they are real and they have a serious influence over me.  

I was in therapy a few years ago, just trying to work out all my anger and confusion, mostly stemming from my time in the program, when I was referred to a psychiatrist.  When I went to see him I told him about all the trouble I've had keeping a job and the trouble I've had with my personal relationships. He told me I was exhibiting symptoms of BPD and wanted to start me on meds, but I didn't get into the meds and I never went back to that doctor.  I don't recall whether or not I told him about $tr8

I think my symptoms are a direct result of nearly 2 years in group.  I mean consider the culture of the group...  "How do you feel ??"  

And that's what I'm good at.  Expressing how I feel.

Whadduyas think ??

I don't know...I think there is more to this yet, but I can't quite articulate it.  There are a lot of abstract relationships at play within my complex mind.  And I am just trying to understand.  Trying to see what it is.

Perhaps there will be more later.

Peace.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2009, 10:24:49 PM »
Yes, there is more to this.  I'm beginning to see the things straight did to me.  My fractured self.  

And I am dead serious when I say that I think Straight Incorporated gave me borderline personality.  I was an insightful punk of a child to begin with.  They put me in their re-acculturation center because the system is afraid of mature revolutionaries.  

In $tr8 everything was controlled.  My first night I was sent home with strangers and denied use of the phone and told that I couldn't read the newspaper.  I was alarmed into the newcomer room with 4 other boys in their underwear.  It was completely dark in the room and one kid talked about shovin a screwdriver handle up his ass and how he felt about it !!!!!  I mean, can you imagine what I was thinkin then ??!!  Where the fuck was I ????!!!!  I had never heard such a bizarre tale ever before.  Suffice it to say that I felt far from safe.  I couldn't believe that my parents had knowingly left me here.  I ran in the morning but didn't quite get away.  I was reintroduced to group on my 2nd day.

I was shocked and amazed that my parents had betrayed me in this way...couldn't believe it and in a way still can't, this hints at PTSD.  The shock that I still carry.

But what I'm really tryin to say here is that $tr8 created an intentional set of circumstances designed to have the overall effect of permanently re-acculturating individual personalities into the machine.  In $tr8 we had to part our hair on the side.  Parting it in the middle was druggie.  I respected the kids who pushed their parts toward the middle as far as they could because I saw it as a sign of resistance :poison:  :poison:  :poison:

The re-acculturation was rooted in the formation of the emotional consciousness which $tr8 forced on me without regard for my humanity.  

I didn't really have any revolutionary ideas anyway, I simply recognized false authority.

When one has been so indoctrinated in such a cult as $tr8, what takes the place of the group once one is finally physically free ??  This board ??  I don't know...  There are psychological/emotional patterns at work within me to this day that are a direct result of my time in Straight. Patterns that have become Borderline personality  

Straight taught us to tune into our emotions and we couldn't be general in any way.  We had to speak specifically about ourselves and our emotions.  We were rewarded for being able to articulate our emotions.  A need for intimacy with the group seemed to somehow dictate my behaviour.  The pattern became well established over time, but these patterns only function within the cult and in general do not function in normal society.  People who have survived these programs will offer to much personal information to strangers who rhetorically inquire into their health as they pass on the street.

 " How are you ??"

"Pretty good but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to find a way to get my sister to come down here and see me before she heads off to her new job in Santa Fe and she's supposed to order me some shit on line too and I'm not sure if that's gonna happen.  I was in this place once where this kid talked about shovin the handle end of a screwdriver up his ass !!!  Can you believe that ??  Yeah, it was weird, they were holding me prisoner and I ran the next day..."etc, etc, you get it.

Meanwhile the mannerly person just wanted some acknowledgment that you saw him or something like that and "Fine, how are you ??" would have been the the appropriate response.  And you know this is a direct result of having come of age in a cult.  

Man this is some crazy shit I'm thinkin about, but I am really seein some patterns here.

Now it is a great help to see this better now than I did before and I am not so confused as it might sound,  I mean I'm not out of my mind, delusionally crazy or nothin but I have these recurring pschological/emotional patterns which were forced upon me by $tr8, despite my resistance.  

$tr8 gave me this emotional consciousness and I became adept with it, the point to which I feel like my intelligence is almost all intuitional.  I guess what I mean by that is I just don't trust anything I can't sense. I don't care what the argument is I have to feel it.

The situation that $tr8 and my parents and the commonwealth of VA intentionally created and subjected me to manifested my potential for Borderline personality disorder.

...yeah. Ok.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2009, 12:05:35 AM »
Quote from: "Guest"


$tr8 gave me this emotional consciousness and I became adept with it, the point to which I feel like my intelligence is almost all intuitional.


Well, that's not quite what I meant.  

I've always been real intuitional.  Trusting in instincts I didn't need to articulate in order to know were right.

$tr8 tweaked all sense of normal social boundaries and maintained an environment whereby the only validation came from articulation of ones intimate personal emotions before the group.  

Man...I feel sick.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2009, 04:00:09 AM »
I took a sick day recently.  Truth is, I got in late--some time after 8. By 10 I knew that the next innocent soul to walk up and say "Hey,  how ya doin?" was gonna get an honest and searching answer. I called my boss on the house phone and just told him I felt like dog shit and needed to go home. Lucky for me there are a variety of ailments going around to provide me cover.

Most folks, when they ask, they only need that nod, smile and ack. We, who don't easily connect with anybody, need more out of that transaction.

I find it best to just connect with ppl who get it, by whatever means, but they get it. They're usually those whom other, more normalsuccussful fulks shun. They need my acceptance and understanding as much as I need theirs. It works if you can let the bullshit roll off and take the good shit that's left.

Peace, bro.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Froderik

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2009, 07:31:39 AM »
Quote from: "Guest"
I can't stand any type of confrontation.  I cry right away.  This doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself, but I just do it with tears in my eyes.
Yes. This sort of situation takes me right back to standing up in group and I often have a really tough time handling it...

What runs through my head while it's happening -- I ask myself how the hell the person escalating it could be this upset or worked up over what i perceive (in many cases, accurately) as nothing to be worked up about. What did I do to cause this emotion??

Then, it's either tears or I 'bite back' harder in an attempt to shut them up...because I can't take being back in group again, sorry....
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Offline seamus

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2009, 02:19:28 PM »
I kinda have the opposite, Over time I have a reaaally thick skin except for with the very few that get past that.I tend to be confronted by dimwits.I sit calmly and listen then spout some remark about how they cant manipulate me with that "feeble dime store psycology",and if they  learned that in school they should inquire into a refund of tuition. I send people out of my office daily,some in tears,and I dont give the first fuck. Just because somebody has a masters or a juris doctorate,that just does not mean they are not a dipshit.I cut to the chase,I do my job,I do it best when left alone.I tend to be like that.I am mostly silent in meetings.I skip office social stuff,those folks can blow each other all they want .I keep work just that work,my life and my work are not related.Mostly the people I work with are either over-educated,soulless and clueless.Or pompous as all get out. A few of them are pretty damn stand-up,and work like hell,these are the people I value,my admin is a solid woman,smart,funny and has my total trust she has earned it over and over again, I probably am anti-social,but so be it.
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Offline Woof-a-Doof

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2009, 02:20:34 PM »
On first reading of this thread I thought the "self-diagnois" was inaccurate. Whilst going about my errands this morning I found my thoughts returning to the thread, and the "diagnois". I, for what ever readon thought a closer, more accurate description would be the Bi-Polar Discorder. (but thats what ya get when ya read threads of this depth and wieght at 5:30am)

Once home, I re-read the thread, still thinking of Bi-Polar Disorder...something seemed askew! So I looked up the Borderline Personality Disorder at the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health).  And sure enuf there is a significant difference between Bordeline and Bi-Polar. Having known Bi-Polars and having worked in the psych field for several years on a Crisis Unit, I was thinking purely  of a biomedical reason. It's no wonder I was all fucked up over the thread...I was wrong.

As I reviewed the symptomology of the Borderline Personality, I began to realize the vast majority of the symptoms fit my own "shit". Not sure why I felt somewhat suprized. probably still reeling from the Bi-Polar confussion. Its always wierd to see in black and white that which I have thus far been unable to articulate.

Further on the NIMH's page on the Border Line Personality, it mentions Treatment. One caught my eye, "dialectical behavior therapy ". Not knowing what that was, I again followed up with a Google search, which brought me to the Wikepedia site, which always seems to give a over all good idea of whats what.

Probably most imprtant to myself and to all of us really here is the etimology of the Borderline Personality Disorder. And of course the "cause"is unkown, but thought to be both of environmental and genetic orgin. Genetics aside (way to many variables), environmental issues seem to fit like a hand in a glove. When I was diagnosed with A.D.D 10 years ago...I went thru a full gamut of emotions, yet there was some sence of validation. If there was a word that described my internal state, then just perhaps it could be addressed. Same with the Borderline Personality, in that alot of dots can now be connected, alot more makes sence and it explains more than words can convey.

For 'us" the genesis of Borderline Personality stemming from the atrocities endured while incarcerated at Staight Inc, well....is a no brainer! I doubt it would be dificult to take 100 of us, present to 5 shrinks our history and I money would be on absolute concurrence with the "self-diagnosis".

One of my favorite writers on the subject is Margaret Thaller Singer PHD. Now deceased she was brilliant at describing  what we went thru. This excerpt called Post Cult Afer Effects ( http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_articl ... stcult.htm )  runs right along side of the "Borderline". If that doesnt sum it up enuff for ya, try reading her paper with Richard Ofshe PHD...Thought Reform Programs and the Production of Psychiatric Casualties. ( http://www.rickross.com/reference/brain ... ing10.html )

After reading these papers and reflecting on my own experienace and read those of others. I also am convinced Straight Inc brought about tremendious damage that is inexcusable. Despite this evidence and all the other evidence against Straight Inc that we have availiable, it astounds me at the gall the Semblers have by denying the damage done. Fucking amasing!

Much Healing
In Peace
woof
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Offline Froderik

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guilt by association
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2009, 02:41:04 PM »
Quote
Despite this evidence and all the other evidence against Straight Inc that we have availiable, it astounds me at the gall the Semblers have by denying the damage done.
I'm going to point out the obvious here: If Sembler were to admit he fucked up in regard to Straight, the implications of that statement would be staggering...considering the program was touted as effective and heartily endorsed by the Reagans andother politicians of the day...

Sembler admitting he fucked up is tantamount to the US gov't admitting that ~it fucked up, and that probably won't just happen on its own, now will it??
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Offline Woof-a-Doof

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Re: guilt by association
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2009, 06:28:23 PM »
Quote from: "Froderik"
Quote
Despite this evidence and all the other evidence against Straight Inc that we have availiable, it astounds me at the gall the Semblers have by denying the damage done.
I'm going to point out the obvious here: If Sembler were to admit he fucked up in regard to Straight, the implications of that statement would be staggering...considering the program was touted as effective and heartily endorsed by the Reagans andother politicians of the day...

Sembler admitting he fucked up is tantamount to the US gov't admitting that ~it fucked up, and that probably won't just happen on its own, now will it??

Oh, agreed.....Sembler admittance that they were wrong, would be staggering! And of course the implications to the Gov't would be sharp as well. But that what I have wondered about Sembler all along...who did he answer to? Some how, Straight Inc. remained in existance for as long as it did because it was ALLOWED to exist for as long as it did. But, how far up the Gov't's ass did Sembler burrow himself....and which branch? CIA? (Well, Bush ran that at the time) Administrative Branch, well, not so sure about Ronny, but clearly his wife Nancy had her bum nuzzeled by a Sembler...maybe Betty??? Legislative Branch...I dunno bout that one. So yeah, there would be some tumultious times if Sembler suddenly flipped and admited he was wrong.

It probably just wont happen on its own...yet, more and more evidence is building against them and thier ideology. Evidence in the form of research, evidence in the form of a formal apology from an executive staff member and evidence of our own personal experiance. As this continues to build, as it is....he may not admit he was wrong....but he will look more and more foolish in the public eyes. Not that he appears concerned about it, but the public is massive and for the most part they do not condone what happened to us, and continues to happen to our youth today....motavated out of fear.....

Same whore, different dress. Call it love, but make um do it out of fear. Call it theraphy, as it is also fear based. It's the same formula he has used since his son Brent was in the Seed. Well after the gov't closed it down, Sembler was so enamoured with the Seed and it's techniques, he started his own style of warehousing kids, lying to parents, raking in major $$$ all in the name of love and compassion for our children.

Sembler is old hat at this game. If it will make him $$$...if it somehow sticks a feather in his cap and he can get (which he can) his cronies to support his manical dream...he will do it...with surgical percison. He doesnt give a fat rats ass about our welfare now....cause he is not getting our money..Hell, he gives less than a rats ass about the kid who got hurt on his comercial property.....they were evicted from the hotel they had to stay in, day after x-mas. He is a shady fuck.......Yet in the long run, it aint about him. Karmic law will take care of him. It is about our healing, our surviving, our thriving, our fight/plight. To bring this all on Sembler isn't what will bring peace to our tattered souls, it is a waste of time, effort, and poor focus. If the focus is brought to a point where it was wrong....it is generally acknowledged it was wrong. And the focus is turned to us as the walking wounded, the Drug War POWs and we continue to heal. Sembler is left out of the lime light, he gets no glory as he once did. Then he will be limited to building shitty, cheesy strip malls.

The more I think about it, the more I think Sembler should be less and less our focus, of course that doesnt mean I wont piss on his grave when he dies. Just saying I think the focus should be on our healing, our dismantaling of current operations with Straight Inc under tones. This thread was written by someone who clearly suffers, and has suffered for an awful long time....this person needs our focus....how to heal, how to survive with dignity, how to live comfortable in thier own skin. Fuck Sembler! Your right Frod, he ultimately fucked us up......lil chance in hell he will do anything to help us heal and be made once again whole. This type of thinking is simply wishfull thinking and dare I say a waste of time. Considering that so many suffer, Sembler is least on my list. Lets not waste our valuable resources on the piece of shit. Especially when there are so many of us that really need each other. Now that dont mean we cant besmirch his name, call him out on his bullshit....but take it in stride, and keep focus on the healing...because if there is anything that can be done that would be to focus on ourselves and keep the healing in the forefront of our conciousness. If we can help others in other situations....we can do that also.....But again Frod, waiting on Sembler to apologize is a monumental waste of time. The hate, disgust and all that goes with it, is not negative or a foreign emotion...yet we feel empowered....I think that was part of the plan.  Allow us to feel empowered, but in actuality, we are impotent in our rage against the Sembler machine. Why is that ya ask.......because of fear. The fear instilled within us back in the day...is still prominent today.....why have we had only one LOA....because the rest are in fear....Fuck that! That same hate, disgust has got to somehow beturned back on us, as a motavating source to heal and become whole

We have had memorials, reunions....why not something with a lil more bite, like a summit. Invite healers of all disciplines, faiths, religions....lets do something huge for ourselves, for the sake of our own sanity and dignity. However, lets not do it on the sly....hoping to fuck up Sembler....lets do this for "US", out in the open, for all survivors.....program lovers and program haters meeting together with one primary goal...Healing.

Your good people Frod, I appreciate the discourse and the food for thought. And if I never said anything....thanks for helping out our mutual friend RTP2003...that says to me, your good people!

Much Healing
In Peace
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
woof
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2009, 02:14:22 PM »
...don't over-react.  I know what you mean.

escape the prison of literal interpretation.  Don't get too caught up in their words, these are just mental/emotional triggers to control you with.  

I remember the moment when I lost my own consciousness and joined Straight INC.  It was as I stood in group, some months into it, talking about my past under extreme pressure, on first phase and I stepped into the Straight Inc. consciousness, by focusing so absolutely on my search for emotion, that when I found it and was finally able to have an idea that I could cling to about it, that was the springin of their trap, you know what I'm sayin just bein able to identify with all those specific emotions within the intimacy of the cult is a grave vulnerability that I never would have willingly subjected myself to.

It didn't help me to know there were wrong, there was no avoiding the program as long as they controlled your entire world.

That's why for some resistance helped them cope, even though it meant they were in the program longer, anyway, no one knew what tactics mayn't or might have worked at the time.

God is in you.
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Offline Froderik

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2009, 02:51:48 PM »
Quote from: "woof-a-doof"
We have had memorials, reunions....why not something with a lil more bite, like a summit. Invite healers of all disciplines, faiths, religions....lets do something huge for ourselves, for the sake of our own sanity and dignity. However, lets not do it on the sly....hoping to fuck up Sembler....lets do this for "US", out in the open, for all survivors.....program lovers and program haters meeting together with one primary goal...Healing.
:cheers:  :peace:  :tup:
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2009, 03:14:13 PM »
Thanks Antigen, Frod, Seamus, Woof,  ...Big-ol' Bad-Ass Survivor...,

Yeah.  I read those links Woof.

Maybe that's why some folks even went on staff when they could have already left an' been gone.  Cause they were psychologically and emotionally dependent on the group and couldn't function in a world that couldn't understand.  I mean I was recruited for staff too.  I took staff training just hoping to learn more about what specific behavior modification techniques I had been subjected to in order to see the patterns that much easier when I was free.  And I pretty much even knew that at the time, but that didn't mean I hadn't been chained to a million subtle psychological and emotional associations by Straight.  I figured staff training would be like havin one of the keys, so I took it.  

I didn't go on staff though.  My girlfriend was on staff.  I was friends with some staff when I first graduated, but I didn't hang out at the building much or nothin.  I couldn't judge her then for bein on staff and still wouldn't now.

Anyway, I walked away from Straight pretty much as soon as I legally could, but by then I was already 19 and had been under their direct influence, even during cop-outs for 29 months.  There were times when I wanted to go on staff to and it was hard not to.  Straight had become my world.  I was tryin like hell to break free...so I understand how some phasers were eventually staff members.  That's how a cult works...

So, I just want to say that lookin back from here I can see so many patterns...

Straight was violent.  And volatile.  Tensions were always high.  Words that were used to describe places in the consciousness were used by the cult leaders, like traps, to manipulate and imprison the minds of the cult members.

Remember when Pinochio was trapped on the island for bad-boys and all the boys were slowly turning into donkeys while they were harnessed to the coach and bein whipped by the driver ??   That's the scene that fuckin gets me man.  The look in Pinochios eyes.

This life is a struggle.

Alright.
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2009, 04:16:01 PM »
not to mention the erratic nature of the relationship of the member to the group, sometimes complying, only to have a run for the door, misbehaving and then complying again when all is forgiven, and the cult member is in submission.  Then working the program and espousing it's rhetoric, adopting the mind set, creating alter egos in order to survive, being constantly tuned in to the emotional straight consciousness and still knowing all the while it's wrong.  The self fractures...

having to double speak your way into a position to escape.

newcomer stepping out of dismissal line to punch a hole in the wall, bangin your head against the floor while your bein restrained...
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: Genesis of Borderline Personality in $tr8
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2009, 01:18:07 PM »
...eahh...o.k....or it could be that C-PTSD I just now heard about.  Whatever man, that place was so ignorant, and misguided.  I have met other survivors who were also sick from $tr8.  It's the look in the eyes that I recognize.  The eyes that quiver and dart, expectantly, while the face shows no affect.  That had been me too.  And it was intensely odd to instantly recognize my own condition in the eyes of another survivor, because that is something I had not experienced before.(I had been isolated from other survivors for over a decade, only seeing one old friend every few years)  Someone worse than me even.  The lack of a context for anything that was happening socially once outside the cult. No understanding of normal social boundaries, leading to inappropriate behavior and ultimately alienation  The nervous breakdowns.

But then how am I even here and able to post ?

How do I go outside into the sunshine and live ?  It's not like I'm anti-social, and actually I can be very social, it's just that, yeah, I'm different in some ways and I gotta trust my surroundings or symptoms develop. These patterns have all just been dawning on me, even though I've been sensing them all along.  

Your right Woof, having a label for something can be helpful, but remember how the program/cult used words to manipulate and control us ??

In the end I just have to laugh at the whole thing.  How F^#@*&ing ridiculous!!  And know that they're a bunch of P#@$^ies and I just gotta do the best I can.

I have been consumed in this quest.  To understand the nature of the relationship between things...to be free of unknown influence.  

Oh,... they saw me comin for a while... :bs:  :rocker:  O0  :roflmao:
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