Well people
sometimes I look back at the vivid memories inside of Saturday morning work crews, the endless work details where I finally got to be left alone for a while, and the expeditions and think, "Wow, I guess it really wasn't that bad". It did have it's moments...but I still remember much more the drama that I had to be part of in changing my life - forever.
The Raps, Propheets, and Workshops far, far outweigh what I remember, and what I feel, when I remember the overall time spent in Idaho.
I don't forget the emotional turmoil that not only surrounded and saturated the campus with deliberate policing and paranoia, but also went directly to the soul of the individual.
That being said, I will never forget the friends I had there, and I personally will not stop until I've found the friends that I want to find. I also care tremendously for the staff that don't return my calls and must suspect I've gone 'round the bend in my calculated effort to accurately describe my experience. I feel a loyalty and a love for CEDU/ RMA and even SUWS, but I know it's just as scary if the staff believe the ideological core of the program as it is to go along willingly knowing it is fundamentally wrong.
And now I'm letting them know that knifing the cracks in the floor of the Dining room in the majestic northwest is far LESS memorable than the sounds of my peer group screaming around my cries. We cried for more love, praying loudly to see lost parents again, to regain innocence, running our anger on command, begging out loud when told to- to see parents together again, and wishing and sobbing to try our lives over from the beginning again and not wind up in that room, where I refused to tell them to DIE!
It's not quite as memorable to me the games occasionally that we played of football, and the hours and hours of card games as it the games that staff played with us in Raps, or the Red/ Green game in the Summit, or that time I ran a marathon and had to be stopped from proving how strong my 'thinking' (Satanic, unecessary intellect) was. We really started to "tap" into the real shit when they dumped us back into this hideous world that they demonized and warned us oh so so much about.
It's a good thing I started to recover my core being after 12 years, though at times I can't tell you why. Yes, I can (see you probably thought I was finished there), I feel happier and better and more secure and confident every day that has gone by since I realized I was living my life in reaction, and I needed complete control of my thoughts and my mind to get there.
