Author Topic: Skating the Deadscort Bump  (Read 2158 times)

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Offline Anonymous

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Skating the Deadscort Bump
« on: September 22, 2007, 02:47:14 AM »
Working where I do, you learn to read people.

You might think it's gravy, right? Bullshit. It takes people skills. Get the kids hooked so they keep coming back, make sure the parents know that little Timmy is much safer hanging out here than at the mall, know who's going to make trouble before they start, and stop all the racial shit from getting out of hand. Nothing serious has happened since six months ago, but it's still about a third inner-city Negroes, a third mixed ethnic whatevers, and a third shiny white suburban kids who come down here because we're the best game in town. What can I say? It's a service business.

So even before Mr. Tacky Business Suit, parent of Jack aka Generic White Skater Punk # 348, opens his mouth, I know it's going to be something bad.

"Hasjackcomeintoday?" he asks all at once like I'm supposed to pick the words out of his mealy mouth.

"Sorry, I haven't seen him." The only people I say 'sir' to are judges and lawyers. And maybe cops.

"Well, listen," and he's got this business card, Wayne Mas.. Mus.. Mxyzptlk, fuck if I remember, and he's pointing to the cell number like a three year old who's just learned how to write his own name. "Cull this number if you see any sign of him, and if you can keep him here, maybe let him in for free, I'll pay for the..." I'm still thinking about how he said "cull" when I look outside and see two guys and a woman in the car. It's not their expressions so much as the Utah license plate that clues me in. Oh fuck. Not again.

Oh, there's some culling to be done, all right.

"Wayne," I ask, "if this is something that involves my business I think I ought to know what's going on." All right, all right, it's not really my business. The little ball of sunshine who actually owns this place totally freaked the last time.

"Well, there's this academy called.. can you keep this confidential?"

You bet your sweet corduroy-covered ass, monkey boy. "Of course."

"Jack's been acting a little bit erratic lately and he hasn't been home at night for the last few days, so we decided it would be best if a few of my friends and I decided to take him to Aspen Achievement Academy, a place for troubled teens." Holy fuck was that ever rehearsed. So they're your friends now? "I guess you've never had this happen at a skatepark before, and this usually happens at home at night, but they say they can get him out of public places.."

Timing is everything and timing says now. "That's what the last guys thought."

"Last guys?"

I say it quick to keep him off balance. "Yeah. One of my customers, Jim, was in the back and these two guys start going in, asking me questions about him, and I say that he's here." That was stupid. I'm never doing that again. "Now they didn't have his dad with him, so they open the door even after I tell them they can't go back there unless they're skating, and they just say they'll be right back out." No concept of personal property, those Utahns. I must go to the wrong church. "So I unlock the gun case to grab my 9 millimeter in case this gets ugly." His eyes widened just a bit, but like I said, I read people. His eyes would be even bigger if I pointed Little Fucker at him. "So I get back there, and when I'm there these guys are trying to climb up the halfpipe, and the other guys are kind of surrounding them, and one of them has a Taser or something and he's waving it around like he's going to hit everyone with it. So I tell them that if they don't leave within five seconds I'm calling the cops. He points it at me and I shoot him in the throat." Brain stem, severed. Did I mention that I load with +P? "The other guy starts running, and he runs smack into Robbie-- I can't help but laugh. First time for the kid to fire a weapon, and it's a riot gun. As in, it comes out when the street riots do. "But- but, thing is, Robbie's got Big Fucker, I mean a shotgun- and Robbie just squeezes the trigger in a blink.. he FALLS OVER.. and there's this big bruise on his chest.. I'm glad he didn't have it to his eye, he would have shot his eye out."

The man grows pale. And when I say 'the man grows pale', I mean he's turning into fucking Casper here. If he leaves a puddle on my floor, he's going to have to wipe it up. Good thing we don't have carpet.

"What happened to the escort?", he suddenly asks.

"Robbie got him in the head. There's still a few pieces of him out there. There's one up at the top. Kids call it the Deadscort Bump." It's really just a small chunk, but you can feel it when you roll over it.

Suddenly he starts laughing like a hyena with its balls cut off. "You had me going for a while. Hey, listen-"

"Don't believe me? Go look. It's on the halfpipe, right near the top, far side at the left. Just don't get run over."

He goes in with this smug little look on his face, and two minutes later he comes back out looking like a fundamentalist seeing Goatse for the first time. "That's bone."

"Of course it's bone, what'dya think it would be, Silly Putty? That's Jim who always skates it. Six months later, and he never gets tired of skating it." He's got this weird little move where he rolls up over it, does a 50-50, and then does a big, weird 180 back just so he can roll down over it again. And now I know what 'embedded' really means. It's in beneath the skatelite. I'd have to replace the plywood to get it out, and it's too popular for me to want to.

"How'd you get away with it?"

"Get away with what? I didn't know who those guys really were." This is actually the only lie I've told to him. I knew exactly what those guys were. That's why they're dead. "They forced their way into my business, tried to abduct one of the kids, and threatened me with a weapon. Open and shut for the cops." He's a deer in the headlights, and I stare at him, and I'm just overwriting his soul with it. Not everything needs to be said.

And that's when Jack comes in, and the assholes in the car jump out and come after him, and surprise of surprises, Daddy Dearest actually grows the balls to stand between them and his kid. It took the guy fifteen seconds to convince them that he didn't really want to go through with this, and they left looking like rapists who didn't get let in the door of a girl's house. Would have been longer, except I stared at them with Little Fucker on the counter.

The next two minutes were filled with apologies I haven't heard since a little kid fell down and someone rolled over his hand. I mean it's almost as if the guy didn't really want to have his boy tortured or something. I gave him a suggestion.

Three minutes after that, the kid gets a new deck, new trucks, new Abec 13 wheels (which, I keep having to explain to everybody, aren't actually on the ABEC scale), and a yearly subscription, and I'm six hundred bucks richer.

What can I say? Business is good. And this time I didn't even have to use a mop and a squeegee.

But I did remember that license plate so it looks like I've got some after-hours work to do...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Rachael

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Skating the Deadscort Bump
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2007, 03:04:21 PM »
Well, I'd prefer Abec 11 wheels. Maybe Abec 13 bearings though...  :rofl:

But otherwise, lovely story.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Justice, Justice shall you pursue.

Deuteronomy 16:20

Offline Anonymous

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another argument for having an armed populace..........
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2007, 07:26:19 PM »
Yes, this is a great post, and quite inspirational too, I hope.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline dishdutyfugitive

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Re: Skating the Deadscort Bump
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2008, 10:26:15 PM »
what is going on here? I'm too drunk to read up on this thread.

1. guest - you work at a skate shop/park? You can write like a son of a bitch. If I were a money hungry agent I'd throw a net over you, shackle you in my dungeon and force you to write 24/7. $1 per week. Fair wages are fair wages. Well fair for dungeon masters. Seriously, you can write.

Your excerpt reminds me of dogs of winter ....Have you ever read dogs of winter? Kem Nunn
http://www.amazon.com/Dogs-Winter-Kem-N ... 350&sr=1-1


2. Racheal - you skate? 
Don't hold back - more skate talk please.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2008, 10:49:36 PM by dishdutyfugitive »

Offline Rachael

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Re: Skating the Deadscort Bump
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2008, 12:54:59 AM »
Yes. Downhill - fast. Very fast.

Learning some freestyle/slide stuff too, working on a nose manual on this 5' board. It's niiiiiiice.

Rachael
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Justice, Justice shall you pursue.

Deuteronomy 16:20

Offline dishdutyfugitive

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Re: Skating the Deadscort Bump
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2008, 12:55:58 PM »
I recently had a skating epiphany - switched to extreme rollerblading and  just perfected the mayonaise grind.

not.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »