http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/w ... or-mo.htmlAugust 12, 2007
Guest Author: MommaSteph of MomSquawk
Following is a very honest piece about intrusive thoughts and postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder, written by MommaSteph, a blogger at Mom Squawk.
I would never put my baby in the dishwasher.
But I've thought about it.
I've thought about putting the baby in all sorts of major household appliances: the washer, dryer, fridge, microwave, oven. I don't have a trash compacter, but if I did, well, that probably would have occurred to me, too.
And I'm not particularly unusual in this regard.
I remember the first time I had a violent intrusive thought about my first baby. It happened shortly after I had brought him home. My brother and his children were just leaving from a visit. I stood at the window holding Henry up and waving goodbye. My brother turned to wave and smile back. And suddenly I thought, "What if I dashed Henry's head against the radiator? How quickly would what happened register on David's face? How quickly could he get in here to get the baby away from me? When would his kids realize what had happened?"
It all occurred to me in a flash. I started to sweat, my heart started to beat quickly, and I moved away from the radiator. I was horrified, ashamed, disgusted, and scared. Was I one of those crazy women? How could I have such an awful thought? And how could I protect my baby?
From there, it just got worse. And I told no one -- how could I? What if they took my baby away?
In one respect, I was lucky. I've had obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) since I was a little girl and had, as an adult, done lots of reading and talk therapy on the topic, so I suspected this was an extension of my earlier problems and not something I was doing on purpose. I also knew that I had done better in the past on medication. So I fashioned a story for my OB to get what I needed. I made a quick appointment and reported that I had been getting stuck in front of the stove for minutes at a time, making sure the knobs were off. This is pretty garden-variety OCD, nothing alarming about it.
I got what I wanted -- a prescription for Zoloft. Saved, I thought. But for safety, I thought I should check in with Henry's pediatrician to make sure she agreed that the drug was OK to take while pumping (I was an EP mom after craptacular non-success at breastfeeding -- more failure to get depressed over). The doctor's answer was unequivocal:"No." She said we have no long-term studies on the trace Zoloft exposure Henry would be subjected to and that it may well affect a child's serotonin functioning*. Since OCD runs in my family, I was already worried that Henry would inherit it. How could I stack the deck against him even more?
No drugs. No relief.
For the next couple weeks, I had trouble sleeping. Every time I would close my eyes, I had the most horrific images of Henry in trouble. And almost as bad -- do you know that dancing old man in the Six Flags commercials? Well for some reason he also was stuck in my head, dancing to that obnoxious song. So if I wasn't being plagued by violet thoughts about my baby, I was being tortured by that old man.
During my waking hours I wouldn't let Henry out of my sight. When he slept (and he was not a good napper, which added to my stress-level -- what on earth was I doing wrong?) I would stare at the video monitor. At night, even though he slept in his bed right next to me, I kept the video monitor on. I'd wake up with a start and stare at his face on the screen.
I don't mean to suggest that those early motherhood days were entirely dour and anxious -- and certainly from the outside, I seemed like a happy new mother. But intrusive thoughts did rob those first few months of much of their joy.
Eventually, within four months, my symptoms subsided. And THEN I stumbled on an article about postpartum intrusive thoughts. What relief. If only it had come earlier.
Recently I went back and reviewed my pregnancy and new mom books, and oddly enough, though they all talk about baby blues and postpartum depression, none of them mention intrusive thoughts.
So here's a little addendum to What to Expect, just in case:
Postpartum intrusive thoughts is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. With "regular" OCD, a person has recurring unwanted thoughts that she cannot control and that make her anxious; often she feels compelled to perform certain rituals (hand washing, checking the doors in a particular order) to ward off feelings of anxiety and distress. With postpartum OCD, the unwanted thoughts are focused on the baby. One mother might not be able to stop thinking about accidentally dropping the baby down a flight or stairs. Or doing so on purpose.
According to a recent story in the Washington Post, there are no reliable figures for how many new mothers experience postpartum OCD largely because of shame and fear. Especially in the wake of the horrific Andrea Yates story, mothers are afraid that if they discuss their thoughts they will lose their babies. And physicians, while regularly screening for PPD, rarely ask about intrusive thoughts.
And guess what? New dads can get postpartum OCD, too.
The good news is there is help out there. Talk therapy, anti-depressants*, or some combination have been shown to be successful treatments for women with postpartum mental disorders (just don't tell Tom Cruise). Your hospital or doctor (pediatrician or OB) should be able to point you in the direction of regional PPD support groups so that you can talk with other moms with experiences similar to yours. (You might want to print out the Washington Post article to show to your doctor, in case he or she is unfamiliar with postpartum OCD.)
And of course, what would we do without the internet? Here's a very active PPD bulletin board with a specific area for OCD/intrusive thoughts. This is a great PPD blog by a woman who suffered from intrusive thoughts. Postpartum Support International provides resources for moms with PPD, including a directory of support coordinators throughout the United States.
Remember, there is help out there for women like us. Don't go it alone.
*There are varying opinions on the safety of using drugs like Zoloft while nursing. For more information, you might start with Dr. Sears and kellymom.
August 12, 2007 in Intrusive thoughts, PPD Stories, PPD Survivors, Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Women Like Us | Permalink
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